How important should a woman's career aspirations be when choosing a partner?

[RedSoxWife]

Also you are not 100 percent available when you go grossery shopping, or when you watch the evening news. You are not 100 percent available to your kids when you and dad needs to talk, or 100 percent available to your husband when you, or he, needs to put a diper on junior.
I never needed my mother to stare me into the face 24/7 in order to totally be sure she was always there for me whenever I needed her.

But I am 100 % dedicated to my vocation as a mother and everything I do is a part of that.

 

[RedSoxWife]

I think what is missing here is the understanding that **most **women do not have the luxury of choosing which they wish to “completely dedicate themselves to”: marriage/family **OR **job.

There are many women who are wonderful mothers, wholeheartedly dedicated to their children, but who also work outside the home. They can’t be two places at once, but they can give of themselves as they are called by God: to their husbands, to their children, and to the outside world through their work. To say that it is impossible for them to be good mothers is rather harsh for women who find themselves in these circumstances and who believe that they are doing what is best for their families and what God wills for them in their lives.

My husband and I have not been blessed with children yet, but we are in a situation right now where I must work outside of the home in order to provide for our family while he finishes the professional schooling that will hopefully allow me to stay home in the future. If I do find a fulfilling career (I’m currently unemployed, as we are moving to where he will be attending school and just left my job as a bank teller), I’m not sure how long I will stick with it before having children, or if I will continue to work in any capacity while having and raising our kids. From seeing how difficult it has been for my own mother to return to the workforce after having been out of it raising five children for about 20 years, I am a bit wary of dropping out of the workforce altogether, knowing that somewhere down the road I will need to pull together a resume of some sort in order to find gainful employment. My mother was a trained chemist and worked in a lab for years before she stopped to be at home full time, and her first job when she returned back to work was at an Edible Arrangements shop, cutting fruit and putting it on skewers. Not really fulfilling work, nor at all worthy of my gifted mother, but that is how it is for SAHMs if they ever do decide to start working again, or if they need to for family reasons. Just something else to think about…

I’m not denying that many women who work are very good mothers.

I do disagree with the word “luxury” in describing not working. Because we have decided to have a household where one person works, things are very tight. We live in a 10 x 15 foot cabin without indoor plumbing. We decided that my presence in our daughter and future children’s lives is more important than living in a more “comfortable” situation. I firmly belief that much of the time (again, not always… there are many instances when a mother must work simply to cover basics) we classify “wants” as “needs” and insist that we need two incomes when that simply isn’t true. Just something else to think about…

 

[RedSoxWife]

If you do not mind my asking, was the SAHM idea solely yours, were you persuaded or influenced at all prior to/after marriage to settle in the home?

It was my choice. I worked as a sports writer for our local newspaper right up until my due date and then resigned. I may have been influenced by the fact that my mom was a sahm and I appreciated that she was always there for me. I wanted that for my children.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m not denying that many women who work are very good mothers.

I do disagree with the word “luxury” in describing not working. Because we have decided to have a household where one person works, things are very tight. We live in a 10 x 15 foot cabin without indoor plumbing. We decided that my presence in our daughter and future children’s lives is more important than living in a more “comfortable” situation. I firmly belief that much of the time (again, not always… there are many instances when a mother must work simply to cover basics) we classify “wants” as “needs” and insist that we need two incomes when that simply isn’t true. Just something else to think about…

RSF, I honestly have a new level of respect for you…seriously! I always have but you live in a 10 x 15 foot cabin? I think your story is truly a beautiful one of sacrifice.

 

[cephas161619]

I wish that every daughter that I am blessed to bring into this world follows her vocation from God. If that vocation is motherhood than I hope that she devotes herself wholeheartedly to it. I don’t want my grandchildren to have a part time mother either!

Sometimes we have to make difficult choices in life. You can’t do everything at once and do it all well! While some mother’s do have to work, it most certainly does take time away from their children. My time is one of the greatest gift I give any child that I bring into this world. If that means we have less money, but that they have more of me, so be it!

Having sent his daughter (me) to a private Catholic University, maybe my dad feels the same way. Hopefully though, he knows that by educating me he is giving his grandchildren a more educated mother (and since we are homeschooling that’s going to be even more important). And God willing I hope to be barefoot and pregnant for more than ten years .

This is rather offensive.

My mother worked full time, but she was never a part time mother. She was always my mother, when at work, when shopping, when helping with homework, when cooking, when sleeping even. And her whole heart was with her family. Her vocation was motherhood and she did it fantastically.

I think RedSoxWife has some great points (minus anything about the redsox). I’m not sure why her decisions are offensive. If she and her husband appreciate that she is a mom 24/7, why should anybody take that as directed at them? As others have pointed out, every person’s vocation is different. The truth is, if she’s not there for her kids 24/7 when they are young, someone else has to be. Kids don’t just grow up by themselves.

My mother was a trained chemist and worked in a lab for years before she stopped to be at home full time, and her first job when she returned back to work was at an Edible Arrangements shop, cutting fruit and putting it on skewers. Not really fulfilling work, nor at all worthy of my gifted mother, but that is how it is for SAHMs if they ever do decide to start working again, or if they need to for family reasons. Just something else to think about…

Now I find that rather offensive. I am also a trained professional, but to think that there are types of work which I am above is offensive to those who do those types of work. Many people take work that they find less than fulfilling in order to make ends meet. To say it’s below them though is to set themselves above anyone who does it happily.

 

[sharmin]

But I am 100 % dedicated to my vocation as a mother and everything I do is a part of that.

THe same goes for working mothers, though. That’s where I’m confused as to what you mean. ALL mothers are 100% dedication to their vocation as a mother and everything they do is part of that. Including their careers.

 

[RedSoxWife]

I think that something which hasn’t been spelled out clearly enough in this thread is that not all careers are created equal. There is also a difference between a job and a career just as there is a difference between a career and a vocation.

With a few minor exceptions (the most notable of which would be married clergy) the only vocation married people should have is to the marriage.

And yet, because we are open to life in marriage, children often become a part of that vocation. You can’t separate the duties and responsibilities that come from married life from the results of that life.

And if you look at this posting of Mulieris dignitatem from Villanova University, they actually do call it the Vocation of Motherhood. I guess because through the sacrament of marriage and through God’s blessings we are called (which is what vocation means) to be mothers.

 

[sharmin]

I’m not denying that many women who work are very good mothers.

I do disagree with the word “luxury” in describing not working. Because we have decided to have a household where one person works, things are very tight. We live in a 10 x 15 foot cabin without indoor plumbing. We decided that my presence in our daughter and future children’s lives is more important than living in a more “comfortable” situation. I firmly belief that much of the time (again, not always… there are many instances when a mother must work simply to cover basics) we classify “wants” as “needs” and insist that we need two incomes when that simply isn’t true. Just something else to think about…

See, that’s where people are just different. (And that’s okay) Many people would not consider that a proper environment to raise their children. You do. You do not think working for indoor plumbing is good for children, but some people do. I guess our differences are what make the world go 'round. We need to be careful of passing judgement, though. (Not that you have…I’m just speaking in general terms)

 

[cephas161619]

"RedSoxWife:

But I am 100 % dedicated to my vocation as a mother and everything I do is a part of that.

THe same goes for working mothers, though. That’s where I’m confused as to what you mean. ALL mothers are 100% dedication to their vocation as a mother and everything they do is part of that. Including their careers.

Some are more dedicated to it directly (that is, actually physically there with their kids - like I mentioned earlier, someone has to be there for the young’uns. They don’t raise themselves!), while others are more dedicated indirectly. If you’re working outside for the family, while it is still for the family, the proximate beneficiary of the work is the company you’re working for.

 

[cephas161619]

See, that’s where people are just different. (And that’s okay) Many people would not consider that a proper environment to raise their children. You do. You do not think working for indoor plumbing is good for children, but some people do. I guess our differences are what make the world go 'round. We need to be careful of passing judgement, though. (Not that you have…I’m just speaking in general terms)

Indoor plumbing is a convenience. a very appreciated one, but not essential to life by any means.

 

[RedSoxWife]

I can’t help but feel a little insulted from this. Do you think working mothers are part time mothers?

I’m sorry you feel insulted. That was not my intention. Some women do need to work. That doesn’t mean they aren’t wonderful mothers. However if there’s any room for choice I would decide to give my children my time rather than a more expensive house, nicer toys, or even indoor plumbing. I know working mothers are still mothers. But wouldn’t it be better much of the time, especially with small children, for them to have their mother’s time and attention. You cannot devote yourself entirely to two separate tasks at once.

 

[sharmin]

Indoor plumbing is a convenience. a very appreciated one, but not essential to life by any means.

Oh of course. But I, personally, think that it is worth working for. Again, just a difference of opinion. There is no right or wrong in this matter.

 

[sharmin]

I’m sorry you feel insulted. That was not my intention. Some women do need to work. That doesn’t mean they aren’t wonderful mothers. However if there’s any room for choice I would decide to give my children my time rather than a more expensive house, nicer toys, or even indoor plumbing. I know working mothers are still mothers. But wouldn’t it be better much of the time, especially with small children, for them to have their mother’s time and attention. You cannot devote yourself entirely to two separate tasks at once.

But again, just because you are physically WITH your child doesn’t mean you aren’t parenting your child. People who send their children to school for 8 hours a day are no less parents than children who don’t go to school. Being a parent does not mean never leaving your child’s sight.

 

[RedSoxWife]

Have you ever left your kids at a sitter? Are you not still their mother when you are gone? What about children who go to school? Are you saying if they are presently with their mother, she isn’t their mother than? Do you mean you can only mother your children if you are present with them? I have never heard that before.

To answer your other questions…

My daughter is with me 24/7. We don’t have a sitter. Right now I’m only online (and typing with one hand) because she is asleep in my other arm. We home school.

And I don’t believe I ever even implied any of the things your saying. They’re ridiculous! Of course I don’t believe that and I’m sorry if you misunderstood what I said and got upset.

Just as a father is always a father, even when he is away, a mother is always a mother.

However I do believe that children, particularly small children should be with there mother as much as possible, as far as it is possible. I’m not sure what’s so explosive about that idea.

 

[RedSoxWife]

RSF, I honestly have a new level of respect for you…seriously! I always have but you live in a 10 x 15 foot cabin? I think your story is truly a beautiful one of sacrifice.

thanks! it grows on you after a while!

here are some pictures of it on my site

awomansplaceis.blogspot.com/search/label/the%20cabin

 

[RedSoxWife]

THe same goes for working mothers, though. That’s where I’m confused as to what you mean. ALL mothers are 100% dedication to their vocation as a mother and everything they do is part of that. Including their careers.

You can’t take a statement out of context. I was responding to someone who said that I can’t possibly give 100% to being a mom. It wasn’t an attack on women who, for whatever reason, make other choices.

 

[sharmin]

To answer your other questions…

My daughter is with me 24/7. We don’t have a sitter. Right now I’m only online (and typing with one hand) because she is asleep in my other arm. We home school.

And I don’t believe I ever even implied any of the things your saying. They’re ridiculous! Of course I don’t believe that and I’m sorry if you misunderstood what I said and got upset.

Just as a father is always a father, even when he is away, a mother is always a mother.

However I do believe that children, particularly small children should be with there mother as much as possible, as far as it is possible. I’m not sure what’s so explosive about that idea.

Thanks for your reply and apology. I must be misunderstanding then. To help me understand where I got confused, could you clarify? This is where I got the idea that you were implying a working mother isn’t a full time mother.

First you said:

I wish that every daughter that I am blessed to bring into this world follows her vocation from God. If that vocation is motherhood than I hope that she devotes herself wholeheartedly to it. I don’t want my grandchildren to have a part time mother either! !

Then I responded with:

I can’t help but feel a little insulted from this. Do you think working mothers are part time mothers?

You then responded with:

I’m sorry I offended you. But I wish to be completely available to my husband and children. If I was at work I wouldn’t be. It’s a simple fact: you can’t be in two places at once. You can’t give your all to two different things at once.

I said:

Have you ever left your kids at a sitter? Are you not still their mother when you are gone? What about children who go to school? Are you saying if they are presently with their mother, she isn’t their mother than? Do you mean you can only mother your children if you are present with them? I have never heard that before.

What did you mean, then, by part time mother if you didn’t mean working mothers are part time mothers because they are not with their children 24/7?

(I’m not doubting you when you say I misunderstood, I just thought clarification would be great.) Thanks!!

 

[sharmin]

Some are more dedicated to it directly (that is, actually physically there with their kids - like I mentioned earlier, someone has to be there for the young’uns. They don’t raise themselves!), while others are more dedicated indirectly. If you’re working outside for the family, while it is still for the family, the proximate beneficiary of the work is the company you’re working for.

I disagree whole-heartidly. Women work for a roof over their children’s heads. They work so that they learn how valuable women can be to our society. They work for health insurance. This is all for their children. edited for clarity to add that is being dedicated directly, in my opinion.

And by your logic, children who go to school are not being directly raised by their parents either. Makes no sense to me, I guess. But to each his own.

 

[RedSoxWife]

But again, just because you are physically WITH your child doesn’t mean you aren’t parenting your child. People who send their children to school for 8 hours a day are no less parents than children who don’t go to school. Being a parent does not mean never leaving your child’s sight.

But it does mean doing what you think is right for your child. I don’t think leaving my children in other people’s care is best for them.

I’d love running water indoors. However I feel many things are more important than creature comforts. That’s just me. Someday we’ll hopefully have a bit more room (it may be a while though as my husband is going to school to get his degree in Canon Law) and running water. Until then we make do with what we have, as people have done successfully for the span of human history.

 

[sharmin]

But it does mean doing what you think is right for your child. I don’t think leaving my children in other people’s care is best for them.

Absolutely!! This I agree with you 100% on!!

I’d love running water indoors. However I feel many things are more important than creature comforts. That’s just me. Someday we’ll hopefully have a bit more room (it may be a while though as my husband is going to school to get his degree in Canon Law) and running water. Until then we make do with what we have, as people have done successfully for the span of human history.

Yes, you are right. I look at running water indoors as a sanitary issue, and would never subject my children to that. However, people have done it for years, and often there are no health reprocussions. In fact, very rarely. But, what I am trying to say, is that in the same way you think leaving your children in other peoples’ care (and I am assuming you also mean school) is wrong, I think living without certain things like running water to avoid being a working mom is wrong. This does not mean either of us are bad mothers. I respect your feelings, and I know that you respect mine. Again, as I said, I am not saying this to pass judgment … living in a society and being in a church that respects and accepts both our viewpoints is a beautiful thing and enables us to have these differences without any judgement.

That said, the only reason my feathers got ruffled is because I got the distinct impression that you felt a working mom was a part time mom, and boy! that stung. (And, of course, what categorically wrong.) You said that’s not what you meant, and I believe you.