How is denying you spouce sex on a regular basis a confessable sin?

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How is denying your spouce sex on a regular basis a confessable sin just because you doen’t feel like doing it?

Is it a Venial sin or a Mortal sin since the denying spouce could make you copable?
 
Roger1 said:
How is denying your spouce sex on a regular basis a confessable sin just because you doen’t feel like doing it?

Is it a Venial sin or a Mortal sin since the denying spouce could make you copable?
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Well, historically what you describe could be a mortal sin if all the conditions are met (knowing it is a sin, doing of free will etc). That being said, in real life there are often other factors involved. It is always safe to confess it and ask the priest for guidance on whether it was mortal or not.
 
All sins are confessable, whether they’re mortal or not.

Denying sex is a really charged topic, but in situations when it is sinful (not, say, that there is a health reason preventing sex), I think it comes down to selfishness, which is clearly sinful. Husbands and wives are to be generous to each other and to put each other first. If a person knows that his or her spouse wants to be intimate, and refuses, simply because “I don’t feel like it,” then that spouse is not being generous.

(Same goes for if a spouse demands sex when it puts a big burden on the other. That, too, is selfishness.)
 
pensmama87 said:
All sins are confessable, whether they’re mortal or not.

Denying sex is a really charged topic, but in situations when it is sinful (not, say, that there is a health reason preventing sex), I think it comes down to selfishness, which is clearly sinful. Husbands and wives are to be generous to each other and to put each other first. If a person knows that his or her spouse wants to be intimate, and refuses, simply because “I don’t feel like it,” then that spouse is not being generous.

(Same goes for if a spouse demands sex when it puts a big burden on the other. That, too, is selfishness.)
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True.
 
When a person becomes married, they willfully and lovingly give their body to their body. Note the wording here, they “give” their body to their spouse. It’s a gift.

Part of the marriage bond is the right to the marital act. If you gave the right to your spouse freely, the spouse possesses that right and can exercise it when he/she wills.

Usually, the husband and wife act in harmony, and they choose together when to engage in intercourse. However, in cases in which one spouse requests use of the marital right and the other spouse denies it without due cause or reason, that is a sin for the spouse who denies it. That right was given. It may not be refused unless there is a serious reason for it to be refused.

Ideally, this should not be a problem between husband and wife, but in cases where it is, it is certainly a recipe for disaster when it comes to emotions, relationship, and sin.
 
Roger1 said:
How is denying your spouce sex on a regular basis a confessable sin just because you doen’t feel like doing it?

Is it a Venial sin or a Mortal sin since the denying spouce could make you copable?
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If you deny your spouse only because “you don’t feel like doing it”, that is grave matter (ie if you know it, and freely choose to do so, it is a mortal sin). Being done on a regular basis does not matter, morality is about individual acts.

How is this so? It is a sin against your marital vows. When you married, you agreed to give yourself fully to your spouse. And part of that is the marriage debt. This does not mean that one must have sex every time one’s spouse requests it. The request must be reasonable. Or thinking of it another way, the denial of sex must be reasonable. It is not reasonable to expect sex of your spouse when he/she is sick, or overly fatigued. Like wise, it is not reasonable to one has been unfaithful.

But just because “your don’t feel like doing it”? I don’t think that makes the cut. You are violating your marriage vows. It is very wrong. It will lead to BIG problems in most marriages.
 
Hello Roger,

To be frank I think the opposite is true: insisting on sex could also be a mortal sin. Lust in the marital bed can do damage beyond repair. Sex isn’t owed to a spouse at all. The old notion that it is a duty owed is too tired to bring up. And guess what? If you are living as committed Catholics, then you know there are times when sex is out and you shouldn’t be asking.

Natural Family Planning requires abstinence from marital relations for a time. So, if you two are team and doing things the way they’re supposed to be done then the both of you know when you can and when you can’t. If your spouse doesn’t feel like it even though the green light says you can, oh well. Too bad. Chalk it up to experience and get a hobby.:coffeeread:

Glenda

P.S. To those who think it is a sin to refuse take that to the Confessional with you!
 
See 1 Corinithians 7:2-5 and the encyclical Casti Conubii (especially paragraph 19) for more information on this topic.

St. Augustine and Thomas Aquinas also expound upon this topic.
 
glendab said:
Hello Roger,

To be frank I think the opposite is true: insisting on sex could also be a mortal sin. Lust in the marital bed can do damage beyond repair. Sex isn’t owed to a spouse at all. The old notion that it is a duty owed is too tired to bring up. And guess what? If you are living as committed Catholics, then you know there are times when sex is out and you shouldn’t be asking.

Natural Family Planning requires abstinence from marital relations for a time. So, if you two are team and doing things the way they’re supposed to be done then the both of you know when you can and when you can’t. If your spouse doesn’t feel like it even though the green light says you can, oh well. Too bad. Chalk it up to experience and get a hobby.:coffeeread:

Glenda

P.S. To those who think it is a sin to refuse take that to the Confessional with you!
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No one is saying that there are not times “when sex is out and you shouldn’t be asking”. That happens at times in every marriage. That is why the word reasonable is used when describing the marriage debt. But to say that sex is not owed to the spouse at all is completely wrong.
 
Who would want to have sex with someone who has no desire to have sex with them?

I can understand that some people have needs and there is always the desire for children. But lack of desire in your partner must be a major turn off to the point where you just stop trying. It isn’t as if you have to come right out and say no to deny your spouse. Usually lack of enthusiasm would be more than enough to do the trick.
 
glendab said:
Hello Roger,

To be frank I think the opposite is true: insisting on sex could also be a mortal sin. Lust in the marital bed can do damage beyond repair. Sex isn’t owed to a spouse at all. The old notion that it is a duty owed is too tired to bring up. And guess what? If you are living as committed Catholics, then you know there are times when sex is out and you shouldn’t be asking.

Natural Family Planning requires abstinence from marital relations for a time. So, if you two are team and doing things the way they’re supposed to be done then the both of you know when you can and when you can’t. If your spouse doesn’t feel like it even though the green light says you can, oh well. Too bad. Chalk it up to experience and get a hobby.:coffeeread:

Glenda

P.S. To those who think it is a sin to refuse take that to the Confessional with you!
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This is a by-the-book secular reformist view of marriage. It’s through this same logic that open marriage is argued to be a positive commodity in society, since allegedly a spouse has no right to expect fairly regular sex in the relationship. It is a cultural norm in Japan for married men to occasionally visit prostitutes with their wife’s knowledge, and it is catching on in other Western countries. If you are a woman in Japan and protest this idea, you will likely remain single.

The Pauline answer to the question is that you need a prudent reason to deny your partner intimacy. Abstinence should be through mutual consent. Very often - if not always - an overactive sex drive is linked to a deficit of other activities in your life, so your cynical answer of “get a hobby” is actually a good solution, however even with that in mind, a person is not justified to boycott their spouse whenever it suits them.
 
glendab said:
Hello Roger,

To be frank I think the opposite is true: insisting on sex could also be a mortal sin. Lust in the marital bed can do damage beyond repair. Sex isn’t owed to a spouse at all. The old notion that it is a duty owed is too tired to bring up. And guess what? If you are living as committed Catholics, then you know there are times when sex is out and you shouldn’t be asking.

Natural Family Planning requires abstinence from marital relations for a time. So, if you two are team and doing things the way they’re supposed to be done then the both of you know when you can and when you can’t. If your spouse doesn’t feel like it even though the green light says you can, oh well. Too bad. Chalk it up to experience and get a hobby.:coffeeread:

Glenda

P.S. To those who think it is a sin to refuse take that to the Confessional with you!
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Glenda, from the Holy and Sacred documents that 1KE sights below. What you have written is a Feminist/Satanic view point. If a spouce decided not to talk to the other spouce except when you felt like it, would that be ok. Or how about a husband of a young family of 3 or 4 children that could afford to but hardly ever took his wife out on the weekend would that be acceptable? Denying your spouse a night away is not close to being sinfull but in today’s culture a wife who is raising a young family and repeatedly denyed this treat would be frustrated to the point of near exploration:blush:.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
Who would want to have sex with someone who has no desire to have sex with them?

I can understand that some people have needs and there is always the desire for children. But lack of desire in your partner must be a major turn off to the point where you just stop trying. It isn’t as if you have to come right out and say no to deny your spouse. Usually lack of enthusiasm would be more than enough to do the trick.
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ding, ding ding…

I can guarantee that a marital embrace where one person is just accommodating the other without interest is not a recipe for long term happiness. With that said, it is a duty for both partners inside of the marriage to be available to the other emotionally, physically… all of each other.

Sexual relations are an important part of a marriage… the act is sacramental, unitive and life giving… and when one enters in to a marriage you are agreeing to be open.
 
glendab said:
Sex isn’t owed to a spouse at all. The old notion that it is a duty owed is too tired to bring up.

P.S. To those who think it is a sin to refuse take that to the Confessional with you!
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Note for readers: this post above is not really the correct response.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
Who would want to have sex with someone who has no desire to have sex with them?

I can understand that some people have needs and there is always the desire for children. But lack of desire in your partner must be a major turn off to the point where you just stop trying. It isn’t as if you have to come right out and say no to deny your spouse. Usually lack of enthusiasm would be more than enough to do the trick.
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I can’t restate this enough. There’s nothing more off-putting or emotionally draining than having a spouse who doesn’t seem the least bit interested in your sexually…
 
godisgood77 said:
ding, ding ding…

I can guarantee that a marital embrace where one person is just accommodating the other without interest is not a recipe for long term happiness. With that said, it is a duty for both partners inside of the marriage to be available to the other emotionally, physically… all of each other.

Sexual relations are an important part of a marriage… the act is sacramental, unitive and life giving… and when one enters in to a marriage you are agreeing to be open.
Click to expand...
This!!!

Making yourself unavailable to your spouse without just cause most definitely causes Ham to a marriage. This applies to sequel intimacy other physical intimacy emotional intimacy and also to much more practical and less intimate needs.

However there are many many sources of good reasons. Family planning needs, Physical health mental health, work pressure, children’s needs and many many more.

From my own experience I would suggest that if one spouse finds that attempts at initiating intimacy are being rejected frequently that any underlying causes for this should be examined ASAP by both spouses. And if possible rectified.
Where there are reasonable grounds then extra effort should be made to encourage other forms of intimacy to support the relationship and keep it healthy.
 
godisgood77 said:
ding, ding ding…

I can guarantee that a marital embrace where one person is just accommodating the other without interest is not a recipe for long term happiness. With that said, it is a duty for both partners inside of the marriage to be available to the other emotionally, physically… all of each other.

Sexual relations are an important part of a marriage… the act is sacramental, unitive and life giving… and when one enters in to a marriage you are agreeing to be open.
Click to expand...
And I guess the point I’m trying to make is that the biggest part of “accommodating” your spouse is outside of your conscious control. Think of someone you’re unattracted to and imagine just trying to flip a switch and become attracted to them. It doesn’t work like that. How can something that is outside of your control be a sin? I know it is possible to grit your teeth and lay back and think of England, but who is going to expect that from their partner 2-3 times a week?
 
Roger1 said:
Glenda, from the Holy and Sacred documents that 1KE sights below. What you have written is a Feminist/Satanic view point. If a spouce decided not to talk to the other spouce except when you felt like it, would that be ok. Or how about a husband of a young family of 3 or 4 children that could afford to but hardly ever took his wife out on the weekend would that be acceptable? Denying your spouse a night away is not close to being sinfull but in today’s culture a wife who is raising a young family and repeatedly denyed this treat would be frustrated to the point of near exploration:blush:.
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Actually, it absolutely can be. If that would greatly increase your spouses happiness and you are able to provide it it is selfish to refuse it and so it is sinful.

As for the sinfulness of denying a reasonable request for relations, the reason that is sinful is, again, because of selfishness. But this time it is a little more than just denying your spouse something that will make them happy. If you think about what marital relations are, the fact that they are not something done for the sake of gaining pleasure for oneself, but rather as a mutually pleasurable way of showing your spouse that you love them and are committed to loving them no matter what, then it becomes easier to see why the Church has taken a harder line on this kind of refusal than on other refusals. You’re not just saying, “sorry, I’m not going to make you happy” you’re saying “Well, thats cool and all that you want to express your deep and undying love, devotion, and commitment to me through the most complete physical expression we have, but, I’m just not interested in receiving this gift from you, I’m not tired, or sick, or emotional, or upset or anything, I don’t have any excuse whatsoever for refusing your gift and I know that refusing your expressions of love and affection is hurtful, but I’m gonna go ahead and do it anyway, k? And if you’re not ok with that than you must just be selfish or self-absorbed or something”

In other words, you’re not just refusing to do something for them, you’re refusing to acknowledge and be grateful for their attempt to do something for you out of love. You are rejecting their offer of love. If you have a legitimate reason to do so, thats fine, they need to be understanding about that, but if you really don’t have any reason to reject their offer of love? Its an extremely hurtful and selfish thing to reject them.

.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
And I guess the point I’m trying to make is that the biggest part of “accommodating” your spouse is outside of your conscious control. Think of someone you’re unattracted to and imagine just trying to flip a switch and become attracted to them. It doesn’t work like that. How can something that is outside of your control be a sin? I know it is possible to grit your teeth and lay back and think of England, but who is going to expect that from their partner 2-3 times a week?
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If you are unattracted to them (not just their physical appearance, but them themselves) then your relationship has far bigger issues at hand that need to be worked on. If its just a matter of not finding them physically attractive… while that is extremely helpful for marriage and relations, its not even close to the most important aspect. Sex is not just about receiving physical pleasure because the other person’s physical appearance turns you on. It is about giving your entire self, body and soul, to your spouse and accepting such a precious gift in return. It is a mutual giving of selves such that a rejection of relations without a reason amounts to a rejection of your spouse, the one person you vowed to love unconditionally until death parts you. Loving your spouse as a person and so accepting their deeply personal gift of themselves absolutely is in your control.
 
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