How long did it take you to get used to your current parish?

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m still looking for a parish, so I found this discussion interesting.

It is hard to build new communities and relationships, especially if you don’t intend on your current situation being permanent.

Also, there are regional/cultural differences that are experienced when you move from one area to another. So, I think there is room for “getting used to a new parish”.

For instance, I expected the area I moved to be more “big city”, but culturally, it acts like it’s out in the country somewhere. It drives me nuts because in all the other areas of town I’ve lived in, I haven’t had this big of a culture shock since moving to the “big city”. This suburb has a serious identity crisis going on.

So, even though the liturgy stays the same, the culture and expectations are just different.

When parishes try to be everything to all people, sometimes, the wrong people go to the wrong mass. A little advertising would go a long way. This has happened to me more than once in trying to attend mass at a new parish.

(i.e. the traditionalist ends up at the contemporary worship mass or vice versa).

Usually, the mass times are listed on a website, but not the style. If you know you don’t like one of the masses, then in your old parish, you’ve learned not to go at that time. However, at a new parish, there’s a whole new routine to learn.

Also, it just drives me nuts that the Saturday masses out here start at 4pm on Saturday instead of 5pm because all the parishes in my old area of town did 5pm mass. It really seems to chop up the afternoon a lot more than the 5pm mass did.

Again, it’s just a different way of doing things and you’ve got to get used to it.

I’m sure if you are used to going to a 4pm mass, then you might think that 5 or 5:30 is a bit late.

I can relate. We moved here a year and a half ago. It took about a year to get used to the parish. But I bet we never develop relationships here. It is hard. People in the midwest are much much more private than we are used to. And they don’t have many newcomers so they don’t have a natural perspective on what a newcomer might want or need. Plus we DETEST living here and are looking to bail as soon as we can. So, it is hard to make lasting relationships. And I have to catch myself when I do talk to people that I don’t trash this horrible place too much because they actually live here and think it is nice. But it makes it hard.

 

[Cat]

So would you say the Church needs to drop the obligation so people come to Mass for the “right” reasons?

It sure seems as it stands now, that most people just want to find the quickest and closest Mass to them, go to communion because that’s what they’re supposed to do, and leave as soon as it’s over with. But then I have a tendency to be cynical every now and then.

Absolutely not. The obligation is minimal and should be there.

The people who SHOULD go to Mass are the people who don’t want to be there. Jesus said that He came to cure the sick, not the healthy!

And we can’t judge those who appear to be totally disconnected or even bored and disgusted with the Mass. We don’t know what’s going on in their hearts.

In the same way, we can’t judge those who appear to be entranced and touched by the Mass. They could be faking it for appearances sake. We don’t know.

IMO, it’s a shame that married couples don’t maintain an “obligation date” at least once a week to make sure that they stay in touch with each other. It would help a lot of marriages.

 

[Cat]

So would you say the Church needs to drop the obligation so people come to Mass for the “right” reasons?

It sure seems as it stands now, that most people just want to find the quickest and closest Mass to them, go to communion because that’s what they’re supposed to do, and leave as soon as it’s over with. But then I have a tendency to be cynical every now and then.

People would be more interested and excited about the Mass if they were more interested and excited about their brothers and sisters in Christ.

When we were Protestant, we used to love going to church and worshipping CORPORATELY. We all did Bible studies and “Daily Watches” (private devotional times of prayer and worship) at home, but it was when we were in the worship service with 1000 others that we could experience what heaven will be like–millions upon millions of Jesus’ followers all singing and praising Him together.

I’m very serious when I say that in the Evangelical Protestant churches that I was part of, we honestly–HONESTLY now, I’m not exaggerating!–we honestly KNEW at least 500 people by name, and knew their histories, families, and what they were going through in their daily lives.

A lot of that happened because we did a lot of our socializing in the church at Bible studies, clubs, committee meetings, missionary fellowships, potlucks (LOTS of potlucks!), etc.

But Evangelical Protestants also have an interest in others that comes of being “Evangelical” in our outlook. We WANT to reach out to others and either help them come to know Jesus, or help them come to know Him better. We all recognized that we, too, needed the help of other Christians to fully know Christ.

I wish Catholics could “get” this. A lot of Catholics say that the biggest need of the Church is better catechesis. I disagree. I think we need better fellowship.

Recently, our parish of 7000 souls started doing a catechesis program that can be done in classes or online. I’m guessing that the four classes will each have about a dozen people, if that many. Most people will do in online, in the privacy of their own homes.

My husband and I don’t plan to participate. We are, frankly, upset that our parish is encouraging parishioners to become even more isolated from their fellow Christians.

We spend a lot of time reading and studying our Church and our faith, so we don’t NEED more catechesis (although we will willingly soak it in during Mass and Church missions, and if we ever have a CAF Family Conference in our area again, we will definitely attend.)

What my husband and I need, crave, miss, is deep fellowship with Christians. We just don’t get that much of it. I at least have the fellowship with the musicians in the church, but not really–I’m a sub, and I play for the children’s choir, so all the parents are 20-30 years young than me, and so is the director.

It’s kind of sad that I have more “friends” here on CAF than in person. My parish is friendly enough, but there isn’t that “deep” fellowship that we had in the Evangelical Protestant churches. We’re still friends with those people–whenever I meet up with people from my childhood church, we embrace and immediately share our lives with each other.

Sigh. I feel the OP’s pain.

 

[shubbysr]

As soon as we became involved with our time, talent and treasure it quickly became our home. I’m a firm believer in finding what you can do for your parish. The more you give, the more your heart expands in an abundant love for your parish community.

My wife and I moved closer to my work, so we checked out 4 different parishes in our small city.
We chose a parish led by a much younger priest, (half our age), but he has fantastic homilies!! We joined the parish and I became DRE (volunteer position). Boy, my eyes were opened to the cliques, " you were not here when we started this parish" " why are you changing things, they were okay before you arrived".
I could not believe the “my way or the highway” attitudes of many parishoners. We have no intention of leaving the parish and I look forward to the challenges of being the new DRE with an attitude for Jesus!

shubbysr

 

[jmcrae]

My wife and I moved closer to my work, so we checked out 4 different parishes in our small city.
We chose a parish led by a much younger priest, (half our age), but he has fantastic homilies!! We joined the parish and I became DRE (volunteer position). Boy, my eyes were opened to the cliques, " you were not here when we started this parish" " why are you changing things, they were okay before you arrived".
I could not believe the “my way or the highway” attitudes of many parishoners. We have no intention of leaving the parish and I look forward to the challenges of being the new DRE with an attitude for Jesus!

shubbysr

Just a heads-up that the “you’re doing it all wrong; we never did it that way before” mentality lasts until most of the kids are new under you, and don’t remember the previous regime - after that, your way is “the only right way” - and heaven help your successor when she decides to change things up a bit to suit her own management style.

 

[LisaA]

Absolutely not. The obligation is minimal and should be there.

The people who SHOULD go to Mass are the people who don’t want to be there. Jesus said that He came to cure the sick, not the healthy!

And we can’t judge those who appear to be totally disconnected or even bored and disgusted with the Mass. We don’t know what’s going on in their hearts.

In the same way, we can’t judge those who appear to be entranced and touched by the Mass. They could be faking it for appearances sake. We don’t know.

IMO, it’s a shame that married couples don’t maintain an “obligation date” at least once a week to make sure that they stay in touch with each other. It would help a lot of marriages.

I suggest people who “get nothing out of Mass” tend to put nothing into it If anyone wants to be reinvigorated get some CDs (or podcasts or other media) of Matthew Kelly or Deacon Harold Burke-Sivers or Scott Hahn. As a convert I didn’t understand the Mass but I always loved it. However the more I learned about the meaning of every step from the moment we walk in until we are sent forth, the more I “invested” and appreciated it.

As to the OP, I think there is a real difference in Parish culture and while we can all say it’s about Jesus and an encounter with Him, if you feel desolation from your experience at the parish or if it’s drawing you away from Christ, then you do need to analyze this response and determine whether you need to attend another parish.

 

[liturgyluver]

I suggest people who “get nothing out of Mass” tend to put nothing into it If anyone wants to be reinvigorated get some CDs (or podcasts or other media) of Matthew Kelly or Deacon Harold Burke-Sivers or Scott Hahn. As a convert I didn’t understand the Mass but I always loved it. However the more I learned about the meaning of every step from the moment we walk in until we are sent forth, the more I “invested” and appreciated it.

As to the OP, I think there is a real difference in Parish culture and while we can all say it’s about Jesus and an encounter with Him, if you feel desolation from your experience at the parish or if it’s drawing you away from Christ, then you do need to analyze this response and determine whether you need to attend another parish.

Matthew Kelly is just amazing and I’d endorse Lisa’s suggestion to listen to him for inspiration.

 

[JakeWI]

One thing that hit me was what Cat was explaining… about doing much more than just weekly Mass and what not.

While this may or may not be the “correct” way of thinking, the beauty of the Mass my Parish offers to us weekly, has filled my heart with such a joy and happiness that has made me want to offer what I can to God through my Parish. Since becoming members a couple years ago, I have started offering up an hour a week at our adoration chapel, assisting in financial things for our Music Director’s separate choir organization, and now have just started helping as a catechist for our “Edge” program (Middle Schooler’s Faith Formation/CCD). This while helping my wife through her process of becoming a Catholic this year. Some people seem surprised by this, as I am probably one of the younger adults doing these type of things. I am even surprised to see how many think it is “a lot” to offer up. Even my mom seems surprised or wonders why I am doing as much as I do. I feel it is the least I can do, and I really wish I could give more.

Though, the feeling I get inside from knowing I am helping make a difference is a good one. The calmness of the adoration chapel is absolutely wonderful, and I thank God everyday for having the opportunity to go there after work or even during my lunch hour to pray in silence and offer up my struggles and thank Him for what he does give us.

These “extra” things are new for me, but have brought upon a certain joy that I haven’t experienced in my short 26 years.

 

[pianistclare]

Just a heads-up that the “you’re doing it all wrong; we never did it that way before” mentality lasts until most of the kids are new under you, and don’t remember the previous regime - after that, your way is “the only right way” - and heaven help your successor when she decides to change things up a bit to suit her own management style.

Welcome to the world of DRE’s. It’s my belief that all DRE’s should be paid positions so that that they can assume the support of the pastor.
We have people all the time who want to twist the rules, bend the rules, and otherwise mutilate the rules, because it works for them.
So why am I going on about this?
Because people like repetition, and a certain amount of comfort zone. And they not only demand it from their DRE’s and catechists, but also from their parish.
Never mind that the Catholic Mass is universal.
Never mind that the Mass is the sublime sacrifice
Never mind that the Church directs us to worship God, and to carve out time for HIM, no matter how “inconvenient” or unfriendly we perceive things to be.
No matter that the Church is not their for our personal entertainment, but to instruct, uplift, and give us strength for the journey.
Never mind the graces we receive from assisting at Mass with reverence and humility.
But no…let’s just complain about the ushers, the music, the priest homily the person in the pew that wanted to hold your hand …

When are we Catholics going to get the memo? When are Catholic parents going to realize that when they trash the parish, it makes their children less inclined to believe, to participate, and to want to be there.

Children follow what their parents do. If it’s not important enough to work through some discomfort for the good of our souls??? Then I don’t know what to tell you. But when kids go off the rails, and need a reality and morality check?
Drop them by, The DRE and catechists will help.

 

[pianistclare]

Sorry for the rant. But really. Those of us who work in parishes are tasked with being all things to everyone. It can be a joy and it can be really frustrating.
We try to be welcoming and kind. We try to be compassionate.
Honest. Give people a break already.

 

[ProVobis]

People would be more interested and excited about the Mass if they were more interested and excited about their brothers and sisters in Christ.

When we were Protestant, we used to love going to church and worshipping CORPORATELY.

Yes, but they’re not forced to go; it makes a big difference IMO.

It’s like my brother who didn’t want to go to school one morning. Mother told him he didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to. (Perhaps using reverse psychology?) He thought about it for five minutes and decided to go. And with enthusiasm.

Why is it we find more devoted people at daily Mass?

 

[LisaA]

One thing that hit me was what Cat was explaining… about doing much more than just weekly Mass and what not.

While this may or may not be the “correct” way of thinking, the beauty of the Mass my Parish offers to us weekly, has filled my heart with such a joy and happiness that has made me want to offer what I can to God through my Parish. Since becoming members a couple years ago, I have started offering up an hour a week at our adoration chapel, assisting in financial things for our Music Director’s separate choir organization, and now have just started helping as a catechist for our “Edge” program (Middle Schooler’s Faith Formation/CCD). This while helping my wife through her process of becoming a Catholic this year. Some people seem surprised by this, as I am probably one of the younger adults doing these type of things. I am even surprised to see how many think it is “a lot” to offer up. Even my mom seems surprised or wonders why I am doing as much as I do. I feel it is the least I can do, and I really wish I could give more.

Though, the feeling I get inside from knowing I am helping make a difference is a good one. The calmness of the adoration chapel is absolutely wonderful, and I thank God everyday for having the opportunity to go there after work or even during my lunch hour to pray in silence and offer up my struggles and thank Him for what he does give us.

These “extra” things are new for me, but have brought upon a certain joy that I haven’t experienced in my short 26 years.

Super! that sounds like a great dedication to Christ and His Church. You are a great example that the more you put into something, the more you get out of it. Like the saying it’s better to give than receive, there are actually studies that show people who donate time, talent and treasure to their church or other charity are overall happier and satisfied with their lives.

 

[Cat]

Yes, but they’re not forced to go; it makes a big difference IMO.

Actually, ProVobis, this is one of those “unwritten rules” of Evangelical Protestantism that I have often alluded to here on CAF and other venues.

You’re right, there’s no “church rule” from God for Evangelical Protestants.

But they don’t often “skip” church because others NOTICE and call them.

Yes, really, even in large and mega churches. Evangelical Protestants have their “group” within the church. They are involved with something, and that “something” has other people involved, too. It might be a musical ministry, or Sunday school class (these are not just classes, but fellowship groups that get together outside of church for dinners, picnics, etc.–not involving liquor, of course!), a committee, a Bible study (again, not just a class, but a fellowship group), etc. Or it might just be a group of people that they always sit with in church, and perhaps go out for lunch with after.

For younger couples with children, it’s the “nursery” and the younger classes like Sunday school and Children’s Church–all the parents get to know each other because these venues rely on volunteers, and all the parents take their turn, and they become friends.

Many Evangelical Protestants are involved in multiple groups. If I listed the church activities that my husband and I were involved with, it would bust CAF’s memory capacity.

When a person is missing from worship service, someone from the group(s) will call to check on them and make sure they’re alright and ask if they need anything (meal brought in, help with something, transportation, etc.).

So yes, church is “obligation” for Evangelical Protestants. It’s just not official.

It’s like my brother who didn’t want to go to school one morning. Mother told him he didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to. (Perhaps using reverse psychology?) He thought about it for five minutes and decided to go. And with enthusiasm.

Why is it we find more devoted people at daily Mass?

How do you define “devoted?” I think I’ll start another thread with this. Do you consider people “devoted” because they attend daily Mass? Personally, I think that’s EASY if you have the time available! It’s all that “feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the prisoners, developing our talents, going out into all the world and preaching the Gospel, etc.” that demonstrates true devotion to me!

The people who attend daily Mass are in most cases, free of schedule encumbrances like work, school, and child care, and therefore have more time to devote themselves to prayer, study, ministries in and out of the parish, and fellowship with other Christians.

The daily Mass attendees who do work have jobs that allow them a more flexible schedule. I would love to attend daily Mass, but it starts at 6:30 a.m. and 8:30 a.m. I have to be at work by 7:00 a.m., so I can’t make it. We also have daily Mass at 5:30 p.m., but this is awkward–I usually have some kind of choir or other activity in the evening, and if I attend the evening Mass, I either have to eat supper at 4: 00 p.m, only a half hour after I get off work, or eat supper after, which is a big rush because most of my activities begin at 7:00 p.m. If I dropped all my activities, I would be able to attend evening Mass, but that’s one of the issues discussed in this thread–we Christians should be reaching out to others, not just attending Mass and nothing else.

I wish our early morning Mass started at 6:00 a.m.

 

[AngelusDomini]

Took me ages to ‘get used to’ one parish I went to. It didn’t help that no one seemed to smile in the place, there was no welcome except for a book thrust into the hand, going for coffee afterwards just meant standing around on your own each week as everyone else were in own little groups. Even the parish priest did not speak to people after mass. Horrid experience.

 

[LisaA]

Took me ages to ‘get used to’ one parish I went to. It didn’t help that no one seemed to smile in the place, there was no welcome except for a book thrust into the hand, going for coffee afterwards just meant standing around on your own each week as everyone else were in own little groups. Even the parish priest did not speak to people after mass. Horrid experience.

Perhaps the priest’s introverted nature was reflected in that of his flock? Having gone through four priests in two years (not intended by the Archdiocese just a set of circumstances) I assure you that the priest’s demeanor, friendliness, homilies and involvement in parish missions makes a huge difference in how welcoming are the other parishioners.

There are a couple of good books on the subject, one “Rebuilt” addresses those in official ministry…priests, deacons, DREs etc even if not paid and I understand there is another one focused on how the laity can make a difference. We can’t change the priest’s personality but we can perhaps change the flock from those head down eating grass and not looking around them to more outreach.

 

[LisaA]

Yes, really, even in large and mega churches. Evangelical Protestants have their “group” within the church. They are involved with something, and that “something” has other people involved, too. It might be a musical ministry, or Sunday school class (these are not just classes, but fellowship groups that get together outside of church for dinners, picnics, etc.–not involving liquor, of course!), a committee, a Bible study (again, not just a class, but a fellowship group), etc. Or it might just be a group of people that they always sit with in church, and perhaps go out for lunch with after.

For younger couples with children, it’s the “nursery” and the younger classes like Sunday school and Children’s Church–all the parents get to know each other because these venues rely on volunteers, and all the parents take their turn, and they become friends.

Many Evangelical Protestants are involved in multiple groups. If I listed the church activities that my husband and I were involved with, it would bust CAF’s memory capacity.

When a person is missing from worship service, someone from the group(s) will call to check on them and make sure they’re alright and ask if they need anything (meal brought in, help with something, transportation, etc.).

So yes, church is “obligation” for Evangelical Protestants. It’s just not official.

How do you define “devoted?” I think I’ll start another thread with this. Do you consider people “devoted” because they attend daily Mass? Personally, I think that’s EASY if you have the time available! It’s all that “feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the prisoners, developing our talents, going out into all the world and preaching the Gospel, etc.” that demonstrates true devotion to me!

The people who attend daily Mass are in most cases, free of schedule encumbrances like work, school, and child care, and therefore have more time to devote themselves to prayer, study, ministries in and out of the parish, and fellowship with other Christians.

The daily Mass attendees who do work have jobs that allow them a more flexible schedule. I would love to attend daily Mass, but it starts at 6:30 a.m. and 8:30 a.m. I have to be at work by 7:00 a.m., so I can’t make it. We also have daily Mass at 5:30 p.m., but this is awkward–I usually have some kind of choir or other activity in the evening, and if I attend the evening Mass, I either have to eat supper at 4: 00 p.m, only a half hour after I get off work, or eat supper after, which is a big rush because most of my activities begin at 7:00 p.m. If I dropped all my activities, I would be able to attend evening Mass, but that’s one of the issues discussed in this thread–we Christians should be reaching out to others, not just attending Mass and nothing else.

I wish our early morning Mass started at 6:00 a.m.

Two thoughts, one that having been involved with my Evangelical sisters, you are right that there is an unwritten rule to attend church and get plugged into some ministry or another. They are great for having various support groups, built around a Bible study or a “Moms in Touch” group or a Men’s Ministry. Many are weekly or bi weekly and on other than Sundays. There is a tremendous amount of support, fellowship and friendship developed around a Beth Moore study or a “Wild at Heart” men’s retreat. Our parish used to have Small Christian Communities where a group met in homes for a Lenten or Advent study…no obligation beyond attending for that period of time but in reality many continued all year long. It’s a good way to get to know fellow parishioners. You’re not going to get beyond the Hello how are you stage if you do nothing but attend Mass and leave.

As to Daily Mass, I’m fortunate to work in a Catholic hospital that offers Daily Mass and even though it’s just down the hall so to speak, some workdays I can’t attend. If you can go to Mass during the week though, even a time or two, it’s life changing. Aside from keeping from falling into autopilot, not praying or thinking much about Christ during the week, there is a clear camraderie among the Daily Mass attendees. In fact if you miss Mass for a week your fellow attendees notice and express concern . Cat even if your parish doesn’t have a daily Mass that you can attend, maybe find a noon Mass near your work. Of course that might not be possible but there is a website Masstimes that gives a schedule wherever you are. I’ve used it when travelling.

 

[AngelusDomini]

The regular Catholic parish I am in now wasn’t much more welcoming but I am quite outgoing so decided I would make the effort to say hello to people, offer to assist with different things etc. (When I asked about how to go about making a regular contribution, eyes lit up - make of that what you will.)

I am just hoping the parish takes me up on offers I’ve made discreetly (so as not to step on anyone’s toes), maybe then I can get a little more involved and be a friendly face for other new comers.

 

[Tigg]

How do you define “devoted?” I think I’ll start another thread with this. Do you consider people “devoted” because they attend daily Mass? Personally, I think that’s EASY if you have the time available! It’s all that “feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the prisoners, developing our talents, going out into all the world and preaching the Gospel, etc.” that demonstrates true devotion to me!

The people who attend daily Mass are in most cases, free of schedule encumbrances like work, school, and child care, and therefore have more time to devote themselves to prayer, study, ministries in and out of the parish, and fellowship with other Christians.

Your post makes me so incredibly sad. To Catholics, the Mass isn’t just an easy habit to fool ourselves into thinking we’ve satisfied our obligations to God. We offer real adoration of the Lord first thing in the morning, thanksgiving, pray to be contrite for our sins and petition the Lord for his help. The foundation is laid and strength given to perform the other works of charity which require self discipline and commitment. We go about our daily schedule knowing that everything we do is connected to the sacred and that there are no compartments which separate us from that which flows from the grace of that daily Sacrifice. Many daily Mass attendees I know get up an hour early every morning to attend before work and several parishes in town try to accommodate their schedules. To them it isn’t something they mechanically do - it conditions their hearts to stay on a correct path of love and service. If that isn’t devotion, I don’t know what is.

The Power of the Mass
catholicbible101.com/thepowerofthemass.htm

 

[LisaA]

Your post makes me so incredibly sad. To Catholics, the Mass isn’t just an easy habit to fool ourselves into thinking we’ve satisfied our obligations to God. We offer real adoration of the Lord first thing in the morning, thanksgiving, pray to be contrite for our sins and petition the Lord for his help. The foundation is laid and strength given to perform the other works of charity which require self discipline and commitment. We go about our daily schedule knowing that everything we do is connected to the sacred and that there are no compartments which separate us from that which flows from the grace of that daily Sacrifice. Many daily Mass attendees I know get up an hour early every morning to attend before work and several parishes in town try to accommodate their schedules. To them it isn’t something they mechanically do - it conditions their hearts to stay on a correct path of love and service. If that isn’t devotion, I don’t know what is.

The Power of the Mass
catholicbible101.com/thepowerofthemass.htm

Thank you for this amazing witness.

 

[Tigg]

People would be more interested and excited about the Mass if they were more interested and excited about their brothers and sisters in Christ.

Cat - do you honestly think we can truly love our neighbor on our own merits? I believe you have it backwards. Our love for Christ *causes *us to love our neighbor.