How long for dating and engagement

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OK a couple of threads have me wondering. Hypothetically, there are Fred and Ginger. Both are college graduates. Both earn a nice living, are self sufficient, etc. In other words, they are grown up and finished with school, etc. There is nothing they have to wait for like finishing school or something. Also, both are in their early 30’s. So say Fred and Ginger start dating and they really really like each other and are in love, blah blah blah… you know how the rest goes.

Here are my questions: What is an appropriate amount of time for them to date before Fred pops the question? And if Ginger actually says yes, what is a proper engagement time? Also what is too long for each? In other words, how long should Ginger wait for Fred to ask her before moving on? Even if they have talked about it and she knows he wants to he just hasn’t officially asked yet.
 
noclevername said:
In other words, how long should Ginger wait for Fred to ask her before moving on? Even if they have talked about it and she knows he wants to he just hasn’t officially asked yet.
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Why shouldn’t she just ask? It doesn’t necessarily have to be the man who pops the question.
 
noclevername;

There are more things to consider than finishing school, or what not, when thinking about marriage…just because outwardly they seem to be ‘ready’ for marriage, it takes time to really get to know someone. I never advise rushing, no matter the age of the couple.

I would say…that one year engagement is good…depending on how long they have been dating. I think dating 6 months, with a one year engagement is good. Depends on the couple…there is no cookie cutter answer. But, people who rush things, sometimes wonder why they “missed” red flags when dating.

Just my two cents…you will receive a range of answers from…“I knew my husband for a day, and then we got married and have been together for 80 years” to…“we waited 5 years”…so, balance is key. Since marriage is a vocation, it should be discerned upon, and not jumped into rashly. Just my thoughts! 🙂
 
lizaanne said:
TOTALLY agree with you!!! UGH!! :eek:

~Liza
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don’t really mean dropping down on one knee, but asking as in dropping not so subtle hints. It is basically the same thing except the man won’t get his wittle feelings hurt.
 
I always think it’s good to date a year so that you know the person in every season.

After that, I think the couple should get engaged and get married as soon as possible. I’m totally NOT into long engagements if you don’t have to. Many (not all) couples who have an engagement for a year or more are usually already having sex so they don’t really mind the wait. If you are living a chaste life it is harder to have a long engagement.
 
I think one year of dating and one year for engagement is a good place to start; however, there are many variables that come into play…so there is no one set way to do things.

I would add, however, that much depends on how much you see each other and if you have seen each other in various situations, etc. With a long distance relationship, I would suggest a longer time frame.
 
My wife and I got engaged on our one year anniversary of dating and we were engaged for 8 months before getting married. I propose that this be the guideline that all others should follow exactly. 😉

Seriously, though, it worked really well for us. It’s helpful to be dating the person through a full change of seasons. Our engagement was perfect. Just enough time to get everything set for the wedding, but not so long that it was painful. We had friends who were engaged for a year and a half and they did not recommend it! 😉

Most Catholic parishes ask that the couple approach the pastor about getting married at least 6 months ahead of time. Practically, this helps with scheduling, but it also ensures that the couple has adequate time to prepare and reduces the chance that they are rushing into things. Of course, I’ve know couples who had that time period waived for a shorter time period, but that’s the pastor’s call.

In any case, I would recommend that a woman not dump a man who is dragging his feet without at least talking to him about it first. Not that she has to propose to him, but just have an honest conversation about it.
 
Well, OK, it’s me. I have a wonderful boyfriend. He’s fabulous. I love him a lot and he loves me too. He and I have talked about marriage and planned things and not bought things, (I have dining room furniture and he doesn’t and he didn’t buy dining furniture because we’ll use mine) etc in anticipation of an upcoming marriage. We have been dating over two years and ahve talked about marriage. He is sincere and really means it, however, his one major flaw is procrastination. I think that’s the reason he hasn’t asked yet, he just hasn’t gotten around to it. My apt lease renewal came up recently and we decided I should sign a new lease but that we’ll probably end up breaking it. He says we’ll be married by the end of the year but if he doesn’t ask then we won’t get married. So, if talking about that lease wasn’t a big enough hint, I don’t know what is. My birthday is in April and if it comes and goes without him asking me I guess I’ll have a serious talk and I’ll have to seriously self reflect as well. I really want to marry him and I know he wants to marry me too. However, I don’t think I would break up iwth him if he never asked because I don’t care to get back out in that dating scene. If he didn’t marry me I wouldn’t get married because I know he’s the one. So, after getting all of that on "paper’ and actually seeing it, I guess I am happy with the things are now and I should be happy whether or not we get married.
 
noclevername, you are in your early 30’s and you have been dating this guy for over 2 years. Okay… since you both love each other so much, why don’t you just ask him WHEN he plans to ask you to marry him? I don’t think you need to give him hints about your lease or anything else. Just ask him when. It’s a legitimate question and you just want to know.

You mentioned the only reason he hasn’t asked you to marry him is because he just hasn’t gotten around to it. I wonder why something so important to you isn’t worth his ‘getting around to it’…

Sometimes when a woman gives the ‘privileges’ of being married to a guy before marriage, he doesn’t feel the need to get married. I’m not saying you are doing this, it’s just something I’ve noticed with other women and the men who would not marry them.
 
noclevername said:
Well, OK, it’s me. I have a wonderful boyfriend. He’s fabulous. I love him a lot and he loves me too. He and I have talked about marriage and planned things and not bought things, (I have dining room furniture and he doesn’t and he didn’t buy dining furniture because we’ll use mine) etc in anticipation of an upcoming marriage. We have been dating over two years and ahve talked about marriage. He is sincere and really means it, however, his one major flaw is procrastination. I think that’s the reason he hasn’t asked yet, he just hasn’t gotten around to it. My apt lease renewal came up recently and we decided I should sign a new lease but that we’ll probably end up breaking it. He says we’ll be married by the end of the year but if he doesn’t ask then we won’t get married. So, if talking about that lease wasn’t a big enough hint, I don’t know what is. My birthday is in April and if it comes and goes without him asking me I guess I’ll have a serious talk and I’ll have to seriously self reflect as well. I really want to marry him and I know he wants to marry me too. However, I don’t think I would break up iwth him if he never asked because I don’t care to get back out in that dating scene. If he didn’t marry me I wouldn’t get married because I know he’s the one. So, after getting all of that on "paper’ and actually seeing it, I guess I am happy with the things are now and I should be happy whether or not we get married.
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Methinks it’s time for your bf to meet with a priest to find out why he’s procrastinating so much.
 
noclevername said:
OK a couple of threads have me wondering. Hypothetically, there are Fred and Ginger. Both are college graduates. Both earn a nice living, are self sufficient, etc. In other words, they are grown up and finished with school, etc. There is nothing they have to wait for like finishing school or something. Also, both are in their early 30’s. So say Fred and Ginger start dating and they really really like each other and are in love, blah blah blah… you know how the rest goes.

Here are my questions: What is an appropriate amount of time for them to date before Fred pops the question? And if Ginger actually says yes, what is a proper engagement time? Also what is too long for each? In other words, how long should Ginger wait for Fred to ask her before moving on? Even if they have talked about it and she knows he wants to he just hasn’t officially asked yet.
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A lot depends on how they met. Do their families know each other? Did they go to school together? Do they work in the same industry? So, in other words, how well, and in what ways, do they know each other?

If they met sight unseen, fell madly in love and began dating right away, then I would say, date for at least a year, get to know each other’s families, get the Christmas and birthday differences in customs dealt with and out of the way, discover your common values, and then take a fairly long engagement period. Around here, our Diocese stipulates that weddings take place about six months after the first appointment with the priest, which would typically be a week or two after the popping of the question. So, your Catholic engagement is going to be at least six and a half months long, for the pre-Cana process to take place. And if you’re just popping the question now, and your hearts are set on a spring wedding, you’re looking at about a year or so. On the other hand if you say “any day that my wedding is on is a special day, all by itself, without regard to the weather,” then you can probably get married next fall with no trouble. 🙂
 
Dating is about discerning marriage.

WHy not start pre-engagement counseling? I am a HUGE believer in this, as after an engagement is when so much emotions and finances are invested in a wedding and the freedom to trully evaluate what is going on is lessened.

Go talk to a priest, take the foccus (yes, i know many couples that do this before they are engaged. It is very helpful in discernment, and it is at the right time).

Both of you get spiritual directors apart. See one priest together as part of your counseling. Let him into the relationship to see if there are huge dealbreakers you haven’t caught. Let others in. Pray, a lot. Soon, it will be obvious one way or another. If you both discern that marriage is for you with each other, he won’t “procrastinate”, even if it is his nature. If you shouldnt’ marry each other, it will become obvious also.
 
noclevername said:
Well, OK, it’s me. I have a wonderful boyfriend. He’s fabulous. I love him a lot and he loves me too. He and I have talked about marriage and planned things and not bought things, (I have dining room furniture and he doesn’t and he didn’t buy dining furniture because we’ll use mine) etc in anticipation of an upcoming marriage. We have been dating over two years and ahve talked about marriage. He is sincere and really means it, however, his one major flaw is procrastination. I think that’s the reason he hasn’t asked yet, he just hasn’t gotten around to it. My apt lease renewal came up recently and we decided I should sign a new lease but that we’ll probably end up breaking it. He says we’ll be married by the end of the year but if he doesn’t ask then we won’t get married. So, if talking about that lease wasn’t a big enough hint, I don’t know what is. My birthday is in April and if it comes and goes without him asking me I guess I’ll have a serious talk and I’ll have to seriously self reflect as well. I really want to marry him and I know he wants to marry me too. However, I don’t think I would break up iwth him if he never asked because I don’t care to get back out in that dating scene. If he didn’t marry me I wouldn’t get married because I know he’s the one. So, after getting all of that on "paper’ and actually seeing it, I guess I am happy with the things are now and I should be happy whether or not we get married.
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Something tells me you are not ok with this, otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it. I don’t know what to recommend here, noclevername, but I can tell it bothers you.:o Want my two cents? I don’t think a woman should have to hint to man that he should ask her to marry him…if he is in love with you, and wants to be your husband…he needs to ask. It might be just me, but I wouldn’t have wanted to have to drop a lot of hints to getting my husband to propose…I wanted that proposal to come from him, and not from any coaxing from me. I think that if you want to be married, and this man does not ask you to marry him, then I’m not sure he’s the one. Ok, just tell me to be quiet, now, if you like. I’m just saying because I care…in a cyber/virtual/computer kind of way. :D:hug3:
 
whatevergirl said:
Something tells me you are not ok with this, otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it. I don’t know what to recommend here, noclevername, but I can tell it bothers you.:o Want my two cents? I don’t think a woman should have to hint to man that he should ask her to marry him…if he is in love with you, and wants to be your husband…he needs to ask. It might be just me, but I wouldn’t have wanted to have to drop a lot of hints to getting my husband to propose…I wanted that proposal to come from him, and not from any coaxing from me. I think that if you want to be married, and this man does not ask you to marry him, then I’m not sure he’s the one. Ok, just tell me to be quiet, now, if you like. I’m just saying because I care…in a cyber/virtual/computer kind of way. :D:hug3:
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What you say makes a ton of sense…the part about wanting it to come from him. I know he loves me and I know he’s sincere but it has been over two years. I just don’t know where we stand. I do love him and really have no desire to ever date again. Just don’t want to deal with it. Maybe it would be a good idea if we took a break from each other. We don’t live together or anything silly like that but we do see each other a lot. We have dinner about once a week. We spend most of the weekend days and weekend evenings together. He owns a condo and is wanting to decorate so I’ve been helping him with that. His dog loves me and I love his dog. 😉 But again, what you said is right. It’s just he’s the greatest guy. Uggg, I don’t know. I know he is deeply in love with me. He not only tells me, he shows me by the little things he does. For example, when he comes over here, he always unloads my dishwasher for me. He doesn’t have to, he just does. One time I was at church with his mother and got really really sick and had to leave. I have a stomach problem and when I get sick like that I can’t be alone. Sometimes it’s so bad that I have to visit the ER so I need someone to take me if it happens. Annyway, when I started getting sick, I went to his place. When I got there he gave me my gatorade and ginger ale. THen he drove all the way to my apartment to get my medicine (I have presription meds I have to have when this hits). Anyway, he got my meds, checked on my cat and then came back and took care of me. Yes, under those circumstances I did stay at his house and he’s stayed at mine one other time this hit. It is just a safety thing, not a scandelous thing. Anyway, he’s just that kind of guy. I don’t want to lose him but I’m also sad that he’s waiting so long.

And I love his family. His sister and I go shopping a lot. I love being with his mother and dad, they are great people. My parents love him. I am afraid that if he and I broke up they would keep him and get rid of my. (just kidding) My whole family loves him. My friends love him and I have some very close friends who tell me what they really think and have told me when I’ve dated some other not so great guys.

I just don’t know…
 
I would say that date for a year and engagement for 6 months sounds good,Having said that I have to say I knew my husband for two weeks before we got engaged, married three months later and have just passed our 20 year anniversary. We just KNEW, though I was 33 and my dh was 29 so we were a bit older than most. I understand that it doesn’t work that way for everybody! I certainly wouldn’t want my children to follow in my footsteps, 😃 I agree that once an engagement is formed that it shouldn’t be too long before the wedding, as it could be difficult for the couple to remain chaste once that commitment to marry has been made.
 
The more I think about this the more I think I am just going to let it go. I love him and he’s a great guy. I am happy with the way things are. If he wants to marry me, he’ll ask. I’m not going to drop hints at all because like whatevergirl said, I want it to come from him. If he never asks then I guess I’ll be happy with that too. At least I have his company.
 
This is just my take, just something I would feel uncomfortable with:o…but always remember, you don’t have to settle. He sounds like a very nice man, and if you are ok not being married to him, that is ok, I suppose…but there comes a point in a couple’s life…where it either moves forward, or it stays stagnant. You won’t be able to move in, he in with you, unless you are married. Can’t share the marital embrace without being married, etc etc…Dating my husband was awesome, but there came a point, where we wanted to wake up to each other’s smile or frown lol…wake up to one’s another period, and departing after a date was no longer something we wanted. That is where dating and marriage sort of are in separate worlds…Dating ultimately leads us to marriage. Just be careful to not make excuses for him, if ***you really ***want to get married.:o

I would at least have a chat with your bf, because what can that hurt? At least you both could talk about…where are things heading? If your bf doesn’t ever want to get married, you might have to ask yourself…is that WHAT I WANT. If the answer is yes, then ok, but if not…it’s not good to settle for something that you don’t want for your own life. Again, I say this because I care…and I have seen gf’s of mine wait for their guys to ask, and eventually the guys never did…and they waited and waited…without chatting about where things were heading. Just don’t sweep your own feelings under the carpet, that’s all I’m suggesting…not that you are, but just don’t. :o

Ok, I didn’t mean to go OT. 😊
 
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