How Long Is A Catholic Engagment?

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rosarygirl11

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hello all!
I have a question for those of you who have been married in the catholic church. i have recently become engaged and am hoping to be married relatively soon. it is very important to my husband and i to have a wedding in the church.
we have been together for 3 years but only have become engaged recently. we have known we wanted to marry one another for at least the past year and a half and have been waiting to finish school and have good jobs before becoming engaged. my fiance has recently gotten a very good job and moved into an apartment of his own and we are very eager to be married.
i did some research online, and even looked at the website of the church i attend and was surprised that they expect engaged couples to contact them at least 6 months to a year in advance!!
i really do not want to wait that long to be married! i do not want a fancy wedding of any kind, i will be happy as long as both of our immediatey families are present, so i dont care about taking the year to plan a huge party. i was under the impression that the bible’s stance was that if two people cannot wait to “be together” they should be married asap.

have any of you been able to arrange a shorter engagement (maybe 2 to 3 months?) and if so, how did you work it out?
am i crazy in thinking that a year is wayyy to long for two people to be engaged when they dont care about having an elaborate wedding?

any help is appreciated! thanks in advance!
 
You need to talk your priest. The requirement for 6 months is not a planning requirement rather a preparation requirement in our parish. Our parish requires that a couple go through some kind of marriage prep classes so that they fully understand the Sacrament of Marriage and all that in entails. But I do know that there have been exceptions to the length of time.
 
Yes, 6 months minimum is the typical guideline. It is not at all for the planning of a huge wedding, it has nothing to do with that.

Part of the requirement is certainly logistics, because the facilities are often booked that far in advance and also because priests are already committed to various things that far in advance and need that much lead time to do the required preparation.

The requirement is mainly for the discernment and marriage preparation process itself which includes interviews with the priest, several meetings with the priest, and also a diocesan class or retreat such as Engaged Encounter. Additionally, there is paperwork that must be filed including proof that you are free to marry.

It is a guideline, but one that is fairly rigid. If your priest is already very familiar with you and your intended, if you’ve already gone to some premarriage preparation for example, then he may be willing to work with you.

You should be prepared for a 6 month minimum and that is a very small drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life.
 
You know, I had been wondering about the flexibility of that 6 months myself. For example, we have been together for 4 years, engaged for 1.5 years, attended pre-cana and also engaged encounter.

So I am wondering, we decided not to wait (regarding school/jobs) or if something came up (such as a raise) could we get married soon? Or wait 6 months from an even such as that?
 
THanks so much for the replies so far!
i realize that there is preparation that needs to occur and i am totally open to attending as many sessions with the priest as are necessary or a retreat or anything else. i just am a little frustrated with this 6 month minimum. who came up it? it is a nice suggestion, but i dont think you should be forbidden to marry sooner than that. i dont think its biblical at all. i thought that if you cant wait anymore, the bible says you are suppossed to get married right away.

any more advice/knowledge/or personal experiences are appreacited! thanks in advance!!
 
Six months to a year is how long it takes to complete the Sacramental Preparation classes for marriage (Engaged Encounter, etc.) and complete all of the interviews with the priest who will be doing the ceremony.

You can have as simple or as fancy a wedding as you like or can afford - the Church doesn’t get involved with that part, other than the basic outline of the ceremony, and ensuring that a priest is there to witness it.
 
rosarygirl11 said:
I dont think its biblical at all. i thought that if you cant wait anymore, the bible says you are suppossed to get married right away.
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Where does it say that? Anyway, a little self-control now will go a long way towards a happy life-long marriage, later.
 
Two months would be nearly impossible to complete the required prep classes and counseling in most cases.

Three years is a relatively short time together before marriage and your pastor might not want to agree to a shorter time frame because of that. Your age will undoubtedly be a factor too. I don’t know how old you are but there is probably more flexibility for someone who is of “mature years” than for the very young. Also, if your pastor knows you and your fiance well, he might be more willing to make allowances. Keep in mind, that the rules are sometimes set by the diocese, not the pastor and you may have to appeal to a “higher authority”.

Don’t take for granted the information on the website, however. It is undoubtedly the “standard policy” and not necesarily reflective of all the options. Meet with your pastor and discuss your situation with him.
 
yes i know, but we have had 3 years of self control already lol.

and also, we are both just eager to get married and we want kids relatively soon, we arent very happy of the prospect of putting these off for another year!
 
rosarygirl11 said:
i just am a little frustrated with this 6 month minimum. who came up it?
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The Bishops, the pastors of the Church. It is within their authority to set the requirements for all the Sacraments.
rosarygirl11 said:
it is a nice suggestion, but i dont think you should be forbidden to marry sooner than that.
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It’s more than a suggestion, it is part of the marriage preparation process established by the church for the proper reception of the Sacraments. For example, those wanting to receive Baptism go through RCIA, at least a year long process, prior to receiving the Sacrament. Marriage is no different-- Sacramental preparation is required.

While it’s not an absolute requirement, it is the normative requirement and it is in place for good reason.
rosarygirl11 said:
i dont think its biblical at all.
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And, the Church does not subscribe to Sola Scriptura, the Church (the Bishops) establish the requirement for the reception of the Sacraments.
rosarygirl11 said:
i thought that if you cant wait anymore, the bible says you are suppossed to get married right away.
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No, actually it doesn’t say if you can’t wait anymore you should get married right away. It makes a general statement that it is better to marry than to burn. You are twisting scripture to fit your agenda.
rosarygirl11 said:
any more advice/knowledge/or personal experiences are appreacited! thanks in advance!!
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Having just planned a wedding in 2005, trust me 6 months is not very long AT ALL.
 
Well, talk to your parish and/or your diocese and tell them you’ve already been engaged for three years.

Having said that, you ARE planning on a lifelong marriage and you ARE planning on having children - there are plenty of things about marriage and children that are going to be more frustrating and quite possibly for longer than 4 years as well!!! Ever heard of teenage?

Better to practice patience as much as you can now, you’ll need every scrap of it!!!
 
Also, it would make it easier for us to read your comments and questions, if you began sentences with capital letters and ended them appropriately. It might also enhance your credibility. (Meant in a nice way, of course…😉
 
Rereading the first post, I see that you are both just now finished school. Believe me, the extra six months or year will seem like nothing when you are 26 years old and up to your hips in laundry and chores.

There is no rush. 😉
 
Actually, if you are a good active parishioner and the pastor knows you well (I was the webmaster and director of Public Relations and Altar Server co-ordinator at my parish) he would know you KNOW what marriage means…

When I approached my pastor with my fiance we had to be married within 90 days of her arrival here in the US, according to US Immigration law. That was no problem.

home.comcast.net/~offdroad/

Oh… yea… take your time. Do not rush. I knew my wife was right for me due to extensive prayer and many telehone calls - praying the rosary over the telephone…

She is from the Philippines. We met in 2002 through a Catholic singles website. We are now married for 3 years with 3 beautiful children.

Ken
 
hi, thanks for all of the replies. i am prepared to wait as long as i have to in order to be married, i was just asking for experiences of people who were able to arrange a catholic wedding in under 6 months, as that is my preference. some of you seemed a little hostile in your posts i must say. i didn’t expect that from a simple question about engagement lengths.

i wasnt twisting scripture to use it to suit my needs, i was merely saying that i feel at this point it is a better idea for me to get married than to wait and i was wondering if that is something priests recognize or if they merely stick to a six month minimum rule.

ahem. i am not sure what using capitol letters has to do with “credibility,” but just for the record i will be finishing my masters degree in january, i am perfectly capable of using proper punctuation, i simply take a laid back approach when posting things online. infact, i teach these skills every tuesday night at a volunteer adult literacy program.

thank you for all the advice and well wishes!
 
Use the six months as a time of prayer and penance so you can purify yourselves before receiving this Holy Sacrament 🙂

These sacrifices will also help prepare you for the sacrifices of Marriage. 🙂
 
Rosarygirl, you need to develop a thick skin on these boards! (All boards, I think.)

Anyway, welcome to the board!

I know the scripture of which you speak, and I agree that if that’s the case with you (that you NEED to get married in a hurry) I think the church should work with you to accommodate, as that is completely biblical. However, I’m not sure they will. I believe the 6 mo minimum is written in stone with the RCC. Check with your priest, though. If that doesn’t work, maybe check with other priests in your area. If you feel that, biblically, this is what God is calling you to do, try to find a way within the Church to do it. Good luck, and keep us posted!
 
I had two friends who were married in the Catholic Church in less than 6 months - one in about 5 and one in about 2.

The first one was engaged in June and married in November. They had thorough marriage-prep and had a beautiful Catholic wedding. I was a bridesmaid and she is my bestfriend. With the help of her family, friends, and a wonderful priest, they were able to do this. They weren’t really in a hurry (ie had no pressing reason to get married quickly), but had been dating a while and wanted to get married then.

The other couple got engaged and married within 2 months. However, the reason for this was she is pregnant. They were married in the Catholic Church and had a beautiful wedding as well. I think this is a major exception as I’ve heard many priests will advise you to wait til after the baby is born (not that you’re pregnant…but in general).

It really is dependent on your priest and marriage-prep program. I was engaged for a little over a year, but we had only been dating 3.5 months before we became engaged. That time was essential for us in continuing to get to know eachother and grow in our faith together. The thorough marriage-prep we had helped us and was spread out over two semesters (we were college students at the time).

Congrats on your engagement and I hope this time planning and preparing for your marriage is blessed and wonderful :).
 
Dh and I dated for about 2 1/2 years, and then had about a year and a half engagement (we were waiting to graduate college). We did our marriage prep for about the last 9 months of our engagement, meeting with our priest once every 2 weeks. Our situation was special, in that our main celebrant is in a religious order, and was able to meet with us this frequently and give us very exclusive attention. It was fantastic…the last 6 months, from Jan to May, were definately a period of testing patience…we were SO READY to be married, but I do not regret one bit that we kept our original wedding date and finished our marriage prep program.

If we had wanted, we probably could have sped through, since this priest knows us, and a lot of the stuff in the prep was repeat, but I didn’t see impatience as a good enough reason to speed through…It’s hard for sure, because you look forward to it so much, but if ALL you are waiting is 6 months, it won’t be that bad!! Better than waiting a year or more! Plus, DH was able to finish RCIA and be baptised before the wedding, so we were sacramental from the get-go. Everything works out with prayer and discernment. 🙂
 
A diocese usually stipulates a marriage preparation period based on the needs of typical couples requesting marriage. When I was married a few years ago (20+) our parish only required four months notification prior to the wedding. But even back then many other diocese required a six month wait. So six months has been around for the last generation or so.

If a couple thinks they are somehow unusual then they can speak to the pastor and see if he agrees. Sometimes the pastor does. My sister was married recently following a much shoter waiting period. But she and her now-husband were both in their 40’s and had been friends (but not romantically involved) since they had been in high school. Also, my sister was baptized in this parish and our parents are still members. I don’t think the pastor would have considered a couple in their twenties to be quite so unusual.

From a pure logistics point of view it will take most couples about three months to arrange a simple Catholic wedding even without any Church mandated marriage preparation. That’s probably as soon as the Church will be available, the priest/deacon will be available, and the couple will be available at the same time. If the couple wants a Saturday they might have to wait longer. If they want another day of the week it might be shorter.

I just went to the Engaged Encounter website to see how long before a weekend was available in my area. It would be two months until the first available weekend. I don’t know as much about Pre-Cana but I image there would be some wait for that too. And then the pastor needs to individually ‘check out’ the potential bride and groom. While he might already know the bride or the groom, chances are he doesn’t know both. And he’ll want to know how they are together.

My diocese requests that the preparation classes be taken care of in the first three months of the six month preparation period. My guess is that the Church doesn’t want couples spending too much time planning the wedding itself before the Church mandated marriage preparation classes. Meanwhile the local parish will be busy sending off for the sacramental information from the baptismal parishes of the prospective bride and groom.

While a couple planning to be married is planning just that - to be married, the Church must consider those couples who, based on the marriage preparation classes, will decide not to marry. This does happen. Two couples I knew decided not to marry following their Engaged Encounter weekends. Couples generally feel more free to call off a wedding prior to spending non-refundable money for the wedding arrangements.

So a six month wait might seem harsh for those who think they’ve waited long enough to marry. But the Church has learned from her own harsh experience that there is good reason not to allow couples to rush into something.
 
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