How long will it last?

[GraceDK]

oh yeah… and I went to an christian internet dating in order to soothe my self… suddenly cindarella had woken up from her sleep. her desire for a man had awoken as well as her awareness of her age, when before she was free in her spirit and thought only of God… what happend to me… I dont even wanna be on that dating page. I wanna be the one I was… I wanna be free from all passion and desires and worries when it comes to mortal man. It simply hurts too much to feel…
I dont wanna be a girl who goes from one relationship to the next… in search for that love and safety and acceptance that only Jesus can really give… and who cannot stand on her own two feet. I wanna be an independant woman… who will be seen by a man because her countenance shines with the Holy Spirit. that was how J fell for me (how ironic!)… that is how I wanna be again… I wanna be satiated on God… however else can I present my self to a godly man… ? At the moment I know that for sure I have nothing to offer any godly man… I am just a girl with a broken heart and a lost virginity and who feels like a complete failure and forgotten by all…
I am a poor fool

 

[chevalier]

thank you dear sisters in Jesus…

I’m a very ugly sister, especially if I don’t shave.

Thanks for your kind understanding… I guess whenever I open myself up on this forum I expect people to tell me: “Grace…you sure are the biggest idiot in the universe… how stupid can you be!” …because that is how I see myself. But you people never say what I expect…

Nah, you aren’t doing anything stupid. You just have the guts to interrupt something which isn’t good, even if it hurts. And it does hurt a lot to get out of a bad relationship if you care for the person.

I am just a girl with a broken heart and a lost virginity and who feels like a complete failure and forgotten by all…
I am a poor fool

Courage! There are people with much less material loss and still much more spiritual loss. You aren’t forgotten by all and (nearly) the worst that can happen is if you forgot and forsake yourself now. You’ve made a mistake and there’s no point making up excuses, but it’s not like you should sit down and wait until you die or anything like that. God forgives and He forgives things you can’t forgive yourself.

 

[GraceDK]

“Courage! There are people with much less material loss and still much more spiritual loss. You aren’t forgotten by all and (nearly) the worst that can happen is if you forgot and forsake yourself now. You’ve made a mistake and there’s no point making up excuses, but it’s not like you should sit down and wait until you die or anything like that. God forgives and He forgives things you can’t forgive yourself”.
- Clevalier

Certainly. God is ever forgiving.
But tell me. Can you? Can you forgive me?

 

[GraceDK]

Dear J.
I know you are never gonna read this… and I will gain a reputation on this forum as “the woman gone mad”…
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I want you to know it… I am going crazy…

 

[chevalier]

Certainly. God is ever forgiving.
But tell me. Can you? Can you forgive me?

It’s not my place to forgive you because you haven’t wronged me in any way. If you’ve been to confession and been forgiven by God, why not forgive yourself?

Dear J.
I know you are never gonna read this… and I will gain a reputation on this forum as “the woman gone mad”…
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I want you to know it… I am going crazy…

You wouldn’t be the first, nor the last one. I know it’s painful, but it’s not worth going mad. Nothing is. That man was a part of your life, but now he’s gone. The relationship wasn’t good for you and it had to end. You will suffer for a while longer, but all suffering has a purpose. That purpose, however, is not to bring you down or make you go mad. At the moment, this sounds painful, but after more time has passed, you’ll be calmer and calmer about it. Some things we want we can’t have. This includes some relationships. But this doesn’t mean your life is going to be miserable now. Sooner or later you will realise that your life without that relationship can be better than your life with it was. Whatever vocation God has for you, He will give you the grace you need.

 

[GraceDK]

clevalier…
then why do I worry about the Church… how it sees me? I am afraid all godly men (such as your self) will now see me as a
fallen woman, even if they would never admit to it because they know that the ideal is to believe in the cleasing of God through confession…

• I am doomed to live with myself forever.

I have realised right now in my depression that however irrational it sounds I really just want to be in J’s embrace and just weep there… he is the only one who I feel would be able to soothe me by his mere presence…in any way. No one else can. not even Jesus. besides… what other man would want such a wretch who is so sad and broken…

you dont have to answer me. I know depressed people are very heavy and difficult and going around in circles…

 

[chevalier]

clevalier…
then why do I worry about the Church… how it sees me? I am afraid all godly men (such as your self) will now see me as a
fallen woman, even if they would never admit to it because they know that the ideal is to believe in the cleasing of God through confession…

Some will, some not. No one is without sin and if we say we’re without sin, we’re making God a liar (1 John 8-10). People have their own problems with sin and they aren’t necessarily lighter than yours. Problems may come for them not from the fact they’re godly and they think you’re not, but rather from some difficulties of a psychological nature.

• I am doomed to live with myself forever.

Naww. God’s merciful and while this doesn’t mean He’ll give you everything you think you need, He will give you all the grace necessary in your vocation, whichever it might be.

I have realised right now in my depression

Contact a doctor. Depression is no state to live in.

that however irrational it sounds I really just want to be in J’s embrace and just weep there… he is the only one who I feel would be able to soothe me by his mere presence…in any way. No one else can. not even Jesus. besides… what other man would want such a wretch who is so sad and broken…

Find a Catholic therapist. Someone reliable, calm, orthodox and kind. Don’t allow yourself to think that only the man who slept with you will want you now that you’ve slept with him, so you’re doomed either to him or to loneliness. You don’t know such things and you’re not the first person to whom this has happened.

you dont have to answer me. I know depressed people are very heavy and difficult and going around in circles…

Happens to everyone. On the other hand, if this is moving into the area of clinical depression - I don’t mean hospital or anything, but that it’s not just a mood and you need to see a therapist, then see a therapist and don’t allow this to keep bringing you down. Despair may lead to a lot of sins.

 

[GraceDK]

Some will, some not. No one is without sin and if we say we’re without sin, we’re making God a liar (1 John 8-10). People have their own problems with sin and they aren’t necessarily lighter than yours. Problems may come for them not from the fact they’re godly and they think you’re not, but rather from some difficulties of a psychological nature.

**Difficulties of a psychological nature? **

Naww. God’s merciful and while this doesn’t mean He’ll give you everything you think you need, He will give you all the grace necessary in your vocation, whichever it might be.

I dont know anymore…

Contact a doctor. Depression is no state to live in.

I cant… they would not understand… and I cant afford it… besides. they could not help me. I only ever talked to one catholic therapist… and he robbed me…

Find a Catholic therapist. Someone reliable, calm, orthodox and kind. Don’t allow yourself to think that only the man who slept with you will want you now that you’ve slept with him, so you’re doomed either to him or to loneliness. You don’t know such things and you’re not the first person to whom this has happened.

No… its not that … I dont know. J knows me… he knows I am not like that… he knows what happend and how I have felt ever since.
He fell in love with me because of how I prayed and I often put my hands on him and prayed for him too… he knew me as a godly woman. He is the link between me and my past. he will never see me as a catholic woman who did not make it… he would never think of me as the “non-virgin”. He would think of me only as Grace… the only one he ever truly loved and wanted and for whom he felt such passionate love that he felt powerless and weak. That is how it is. For everyone else it will always only be some cold fact from the past that I prostetuted myself to my lust… they will know nothing of my love, my temptation and my tears.

Happens to everyone. On the other hand, if this is moving into the area of clinical depression - I don’t mean hospital or anything, but that it’s not just a mood and you need to see a therapist, then see a therapist and don’t allow this to keep bringing you down. Despair may lead to a lot of sins.

I dont know clevalier… I dont think I have a depression… I am just so deep in heart break that its becoming natural for me not to be able to sleep, to weep many times a day and night and to not take care of my self or my studies… If smoking or drinking could soothe me I would use it… but I have always been too smart for that.

Sorry… as you can see. I dont know how to use the “quote” function.

 

[homewardbound]

You are being way too hard on yourself. You are assuming how people will see you, when thats not reality. Do you look down on or think poorly of all the men and women in the world who have fallen?

Everyone has fallen in some area of their lives. We’ve all done things we are not proud of and that we have trouble forgiving ourselves for. You have to learn to forgive yourself. It may take time, but I hope and pray you will not let this one slip up surround your life. You are more than one sin. You are a wonderful beautiful person, but you are not perfect. None of us are. I pray you are soon able to accept your humanity. You are still beautiful in God’s eyes.

I hope this heartache will ease soon for you. God Bless

 

[Katie1723]

I can tell that you are a person of intelligence. Stop beating yourself up. If you feel that bad, get professional help.

Kathy

 

[Just_wondering]

Difficulties of a psychological nature?

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, which causes you to have trouble accepting events that are, admittedly, bad. Depression causes you to feel that you’re unworthy of goodness. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy, it doesn’t mean you have a mental illness. It means that you’re in a rut and you need a hand to get out. There’s no shame in it.

Contact a doctor. Depression is no state to live in.

I cant… they would not understand… and I cant afford it… besides. they could not help me. I only ever talked to one catholic therapist… and he robbed me…

Don’t judge all doctors and therapists by one bad example. After all, could you imagine if I met one bad Catholic and decided that the whole Church was wrong?

Most communities have free counselling available somewhere, it’s just a matter of finding out where. Try a local college or university - many of them won’t even check to see if you’re a student. Call a national hotline for depression or relationship troubles - they’re usually toll-free. Sorry, I’m not in America, so I can’t give you any resources, but believe me when I tell you they’re out there.

And yes, they can understand you. Even if they’re not Catholic, people will understand you. You are human, and you made human mistakes.

then why do I worry about the Church… how it sees me? I am afraid all godly men (such as your self) will now see me as a
fallen woman, even if they would never admit to it because they know that the ideal is to believe in the cleasing of God through confession…

• I am doomed to live with myself forever.

You will not need to confess your sins to your future spouse, and so they will have no reason to believe you are a fallen woman. Once you have confessed them and been forgiven, you need to forgive yourself and move on. Certainly, remember the pain they caused you and use the pain to remind yourself not to sin again, but once the heartache is over, you must stop dwelling on them.

My boyfriend does not know about what sins I committed before I met him. He knows that I have a past - I am not Catholic, so my past is probably much worse than yours! But it is not his place to hear my confessions. They are between me and God.

Your future spouse, whoever he may be, will be human too. He will have committed some sins, and he will probably have fallen a few times too, maybe in different ways from you. The question is not, have you fallen, but rather, have you picked yourself up? And the answer is yes. When you find the right man for you, you will have picked yourself up, because you are strong and wise enough to ask for help when you need it.

I am praying for you, for your strength and peace of mind.

 

[CarrieH]

Your future spouse, whoever he may be, will be human too. He will have committed some sins, and he will probably have fallen a few times too, maybe in different ways from you. The question is not, have you fallen, but rather, have you picked yourself up? And the answer is yes. When you find the right man for you, you will have picked yourself up, because you are strong and wise enough to ask for help when you need it.

AMEN to that! Excellent advice.

Grace, there is no shame in having depression – it’s a chemical imbalance and it’s not your fault. The true shame is in wasting your life in needless suffering when there is help and medication available. My own mother has struggled with depression all of her life, and because she was too ashamed/embarrassed to seek treatment except when it got really extreme, she has lived a life of quiet misery which was totally unnecessary. Please don’t go down that road when there are other, better paths through life.

Praying for you. :console:

 

[GraceDK]

Dear friends in Jesus.

Thank you so much for your concerns.
I am pretty sure I dont have a real depression. My sister told me I am just suffering badly from a broken heart. And she is right. I am a very passionate person and was very much in love and gave my self too much over to my feelings. then I was also and still am very unexperienced when it comes to love between man and woman.
On top of that I was simply letting me self get so tempted and into such bad situations and by my falls really went against everything I believe in… And then… he has now left me alone, which makes me just walk on feeling like a shadow of who I used to be… so empty and so stupid.

But it is not depression. I am just miserable.

To “just wondering”: I think I am the kind of person who will however ‘confess’ to my future spouse somewhat… I need to know that he knows my wounds as well as my strong points…as someone rightly said: sins dont make up who we are… But I want to add that our wounds do shape us. I need acceptance and love.
Like you I dont live in the States. In my country there really is only one Catholic therapist… I am not kidding. and he is good for sure but he is much too expensive.

And you are right… Its about picking my self up and continuing through life with courage… I thought alot about it tonight: “now grace… why do you try so hard to make a liar out of Jesus… dont do it anymore… He promised that whom the son sets free is free indeed and He raises people from the dead, sets the captured free… believe in Him… in His Word and in His Promises…Accept Him… its that simple”.

Yes… I need to reconcile with my humanity. admit that I am a human being. being so keen on living a pleasing life to the Lord and putting all my identity in Him is okay… but I must not get my head stuck in the clouds and get burned by the sun…

God bless you friends.
And to Homewardbound: No… I dont look down on people who have fallen in their past. And I am sure I would not mind marrying a man who had wounds like my own.
I just have a problem with my own falls in this area…