How Many Children Are Enough?

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Augustine3

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The church calls us to be generous in regards to how many children a married couple should consider having. I’m in a situation where I’m not sure what to do…

My wife works 3 days a week. During the 3 days our son stays with his grandmother. We really do not want to use day care and we do not have the financial means for my wife to be a fulltime mamma unless I get a second job or part time business. My wife is now is pregnant with our second child and we are considering this one to be the last one (although we want more). If my wife stays home fulltime it would be very hard for her to get back into the workforce in the future, she has worked hard to get her masters at uni.

Am we being selfish? Any advice is appreciated…
 
I was under the impression that the Church doesn’t ask us to “consider” how many children we will have, but rather to generously welcome those God chooses to send?
 
Augustine3 said:
The church calls us to be generous in regards to how many children a married couple should consider having. I’m in a situation where I’m not sure what to do…

My wife works 3 days a week. During the 3 days our son stays with his grandmother. We really do not want to use day care and we do not have the financial means for my wife to be a fulltime mamma unless I get a second job or part time business. My wife is now is pregnant with our second child and we are considering this one to be the last one (although we want more). If my wife stays home fulltime it would be very hard for her to get back into the workforce in the future, she has worked hard to get her masters at uni.

Am we being selfish? Any advice is appreciated…
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I would say that in general, you should take these decisions one child at a time, one cycle at a time, and one day at a time. Don’t make a blanket decision that “we are never having another child,” or “we will have exactly N children” (where N might be 2 or 4 or 6 or 10 or whatever). For one thing, circumstances may change a year from now, or five years from now, or whatever, in ways that you don’t anticipate now.

Be generous in your openness to life, but also use common sense (e.g., don’t try to conceive if your wife has a serious health issue that would be complicated by pregnancy). Continually seek to prayerfully discern God’s will.
 
Augustine3 said:
Am we being selfish? Any advice is appreciated…
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This is a question only you and your wife can answer after much thought and prayer. My advice is to run your situation by a good priest and listen to his advice.

Luna
 
Anniejoe said:
I was under the impression that the Church doesn’t ask us to “consider” how many children we will have, but rather to generously welcome those God chooses to send?
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The Church teaches that a couple is permitted to consider whether or not they will have another child at any given point if there are sufficient reasons for them to delay having children. I believe the question is whether or not the present circumstances are sufficient to put off conceiving for the time being.
If therefore there are well-grounded reasons for spacing births, arising from the physical or psychological condition of husband or wife, or from external circumstances, the Church teaches that married people may then take advantage of the natural cycles immanent in the reproductive system and engage in marital intercourse only during those times that are infertile, thus controlling birth in a way which does not in the least offend the moral principles which We have just explained. (20)
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From Humanae Vitae
 
TheWanderer,

Augustine3 said that he and his wife were thinking that this second child would be their last. That’s a far cry from “spacing” their children along the lines Pope Paul VI was suggesting.
 
Sit down with your priest for spiritual direction and discernment.
 
Anniejoe said:
TheWanderer,

Augustine3 said that he and his wife were thinking that this second child would be their last. That’s a far cry from “spacing” their children along the lines Pope Paul VI was suggesting.
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Also note that he said that they want more children. In other words, for now it seems like they can’t handle any more. If its true that they want more children, then, if it becomes possible in the future I’m assuming they will be open to that. I do understand where you’re coming from now though, 🙂 I did not give that sentence as much significance as you did.
 
I’m not sure what the priority is here.

If the priority is being open to children, you need to find a way to support your family on your income alone so that your wife can care for the children. Yes, even if you must take on a second job or drastically reduce expenses in the household. There was a time in history, not too far back, when a man took pride in being able to support his family and not “having” to rely on his wife’s income.

If the priority is your wife being able to maintain employment so as not to derail her career, then you could limit your family size using a conservative NFP modality, after prayer and discernment.

If the priority is you not having to take on more work or change your lifestyle, then I am not sure what to tell you.
 
i agree that you don’t make this decision now. we thought we would be done after I was told i am essentially sterile about 6 yrs ago (we had only had one child at that point) we joked about it to friends and accepted it and moved on.

i was comfortable (i thought) saying iwas done. i told my boss i was done. i told all my family i was done. i THOUGHT i was done…

but then God touched both our hearts around the same time to try for a baby, and without much sensibility involved, we went back to our fertility specialist. we also went to an adoption information meeting “for fun”…

a few years later, we have our ONE child we thought would be our only, and we have our SECOND child via domestic adoption. we also have money issues (who doesn’t in this economy??).

for NOW, we believe ourselves to be ‘done’ again. but who knows…GOD has the final plan!

leave it in HIS hands. he will direct you. if HE means for you to have a bigger family, he’ll supply another soup bone for the pot and another bed to lay in!

take it one cycle at a time. if it doesn’t feel right, then you’ll know. if it does feel right, then you’ll know. NEVER say NEVER! you NEVER know what the Lord has in store for you!
 
I agree with the advice of taking family planning one child at a time. Being able to “afford” more children means different things to different families. Some families might feel like certain sacrifices (perhaps a wife’s career and a father’s time at home) are worth it to have more children. I would not risk or end my career for more children (I family planned so I could be a SAHM while I was in grad school to avoid gaps in my resume), and my husband would never be okay spending less time at home with our son, so we can have more money to have more babies.
 
I agree, why an “absent” Dad is okay with some is beyond me. My Dad had to work 2-3 jobs and then my Mom finally took a part time job at a store so he could rest a bit. (she actually like it, getting out and meeting new people) I missed him but understood, but it wasn’t ideal. A two parent family shouldn’t deliberately be one or one and a half. I think wise parents should be unselfish, but smart. God doesn’t want children born you can’t raise, feed and educate. If you live in a 2 bedroom condo and still have children beyond your space, it’s being not "open to children’ but reckless. Children come unplanned, but to just say, “It is what God wants” is not true to me. People have babies because of biology and genetics. Some are more fertile than others, but you do one thing, it leads to another. It isn’t someone “picking the child” per se, or young girls wouldn’t get pregnant out of wedlock or with incest or rape. That happened because of the biology, not God’s will, but our free will and what happens to the baby afterwards is in our hands and should be respectful as the baby is a human being and not to be blamed for sin of others.
I just don’t think “open” should be reckless, it is irresponsible unless you can care for them.
To tell one parent of 3, they should have more because you have 7 is not right either, we are all different, with different gifts and emotional and physical issues, not animals that just breed to breed. Most people don’t think that way, but I’ve read some comments elsewhere that were scary.
I had 3, wish I had 4 sometimes, but I am barely making tuition payments being a stay at home Mom for 8 years and then part time to full time but never making very much money. My husband worked rotating shifts which helped and hurt. I don’t’ regret it, but I can’t provide very much, we never even went to Disney, living on a tight budget (child abuse by some) but we all have to deal with what we have. They turned out well and I’m proud of them. I hope my children have more choices but this economy scares me.
 
Seriously. Keep your options open. Since you have grandparent help, consider yourself very fortunate. I see no reason for your wife to discontinue pursuing her chosen career, especially on a parttime basis to give her more time with the children.
I didn’t go back to work fulltime until my youngest was in third grade, but I never really gave up my career at any point, to be honest…I always was either performing or teaching, wherever I was, even at a couple of hours per week. It felt natural and right for us. I needed the outside stimulation of my music to keep my sanity at times! 😃
But, on the other hand, it didn’t stop us from having four children either, and boy are we GLAD we did. We should have had even more. Having grown married children and lots of grandchildren really rocks!:cool:
 
You don’t have to make this decision right now. Your wife is pregnant right now and from reading your post it sounds like your family has reasons for her to return to working part time after the baby arrives. Okay. Right now you are called to be the father of two children, but who of us can tell what your situation will be like in three, five, ten or fifteen years?

I was once called to be the mother of an only child. Now I’m called to be the mother of eight. How do I know that? Because I have eight children.

God calls all married Catholics to be open to life, but He doesn’t share with us a pre-set number of children that He will bestow upon us. He tells us on a need to know basis, and right now He’s let you know that your wife is expecting baby number two. Congratulations!
 
Augustine3 said:
The church calls us to be generous in regards to how many children a married couple should consider having. I’m in a situation where I’m not sure what to do…

My wife works 3 days a week. During the 3 days our son stays with his grandmother. We really do not want to use day care and we do not have the financial means for my wife to be a fulltime mamma unless I get a second job or part time business. My wife is now is pregnant with our second child and we are considering this one to be the last one (although we want more). If my wife stays home fulltime it would be very hard for her to get back into the workforce in the future, she has worked hard to get her masters at uni.

Am we being selfish? Any advice is appreciated…
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It would be helpful to know how old you guys are. How do you plan to stop at two? Artificial Birth control is out and has a fail rate anyway. NFP can be stressful and awkward for some couples. Sounds like you and your wife need to look at priorities. Is her priority to work? Is yours? It sounds like you have to step back and take a look at how you want to honor God in regards to your family.
 
Thanks guys, your posts are encouraging and have given me a few things to think and pray about.

God bless you all!
 
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