How many dh's help with housework?

[CatholicSam]

When your husband does do something, praise him a lot for it. And encourage him by saying things like “Wow, you’re really good at this!” Sounds like he’s not very confident with his housekeeping abilities. You can tell him that you weren’t very good at doing the dusting (or whatever) at first either, but after a little practice it will become a lot easier. With the laundry, maybe you can sort the colors (is he color blind?) and he can do the rest (preparing the water, adding the clothes, putting them in the dryer, and folding them). And then he can watch you put them away so he learns where the clothes belong. In my family growing up, Mom would fold all the clothes and each family member was responsible for putting their own clothes away. I do this with my DH too sometimes. Ask him to put away his stuff and then you put away the stuff that’s yours or general “house” stuff like linens, etc.

Another thing that could help your DH to do more is when he does do something, don’t criticize him. He’ll probably do it in a different way than you do and he may not do it very efficiently, but just let him do it however he wants. And don’t be too picky with the end result either.

You mentioned that you’ve had this dog for 8 years. Times have changed. While it was OK 8 years ago, you can barely keep up with the general house stuff, let alone *his *pet care. I think if I were in your shoes I would tell DH that I can no longer keep up with the care of the dog. Either he takes care of it, you can pay a neighbor kid to help with it, or you can adopt it out into another home. That gives him the choice, and your continuing to be the dog’s slave is not one of the options!

 

[whatevergirl]

I am just curious about this question for my dh doesn’t help much at all. He and I are both disabled and not working. I think if a dh works all day and the dw is at home, she can do the housework, but still think the dh can help out when he can. How about when both husband and wife work, who does the housework? I have a sister in that situation and she hires someone to do so, but no everyone can afford this luxury. How many of you that both of you work, get help from dh’s?

My husband and I both work–we both do it equally…with my kids now doing about 15-20% when it comes to their rooms, laundry…bathrooms, etc. They help set the table, clean off the table, etc. I do dishes, bathroom, grocery shopping, and write out the bills…hubby does floors and vacuums. My dh is looking for work now, and is home, so thankfully, he is doing much more, since I’m working fulltime. It works out really well, because no one person is overwhelmed. If two people provide for the family–then both need to pitch in with housework. Oh…and my dh does 90% of the cooking, because he loves it…should have been a chef I tell ya!

 

[nana3]

When your husband does do something, praise him a lot for it. And encourage him by saying things like “Wow, you’re really good at this!” Sounds like he’s not very confident with his housekeeping abilities. You can tell him that you weren’t very good at doing the dusting (or whatever) at first either, but after a little practice it will become a lot easier. With the laundry, maybe you can sort the colors (is he color blind?) and he can do the rest (preparing the water, adding the clothes, putting them in the dryer, and folding them). And then he can watch you put them away so he learns where the clothes belong. In my family growing up, Mom would fold all the clothes and each family member was responsible for putting their own clothes away. I do this with my DH too sometimes. Ask him to put away his stuff and then you put away the stuff that’s yours or general “house” stuff like linens, etc.

Another thing that could help your DH to do more is when he does do something, don’t criticize him. He’ll probably do it in a different way than you do and he may not do it very efficiently, but just let him do it however he wants. And don’t be too picky with the end result either.

You mentioned that you’ve had this dog for 8 years. Times have changed. While it was OK 8 years ago, you can barely keep up with the general house stuff, let alone *his *pet care. I think if I were in your shoes I would tell DH that I can no longer keep up with the care of the dog. Either he takes care of it, you can pay a neighbor kid to help with it, or you can adopt it out into another home. That gives him the choice, and your continuing to be the dog’s slave is not one of the options!

Thanks so much. You are so wise and your advice is really helpful. I will try to do the dog thing and see what happens, but my dd loves that dog. I have given some of the responsibility of feeding the dog and bathing to my dd. She does an okay job, but I rather not bathe the dog due to my having to bend over and it aggravates my back pain. I also have fibromyalgia.

Yes, dh is color blind and I did not know it the one time he did the laundry and ruined some clothes. I like the idea of putting his clothes in a pile and letting him put his stuff away and I think I will make my dd do hers for she is now old enough. I don’t want them taking me for granted.

When my dh does the mopping, I don’t criticize him, but am at fault for not praising him. I guess my reasoning is that I don’t get any thanks or praise for all I do and didn’t think it was necessary, but it may be for him. He does lack self confident, but it is not only in housecleaning, but in everything. That is a problem he had while growing up in an abusive home.

I love the idea of setting some task for each of us and I will include my daughter. I think I will make a chart and show each person’s responsibility on a daily basis and allow them to check it off for each day to see if I get help that way. What do you think of that idea? I know some task will be almost impossible for dh to do with painful feet and use of a cane and with Parkinson’s disease. If he takes his meds as he is suppose to, the parkinson is not bad at all. That is a whole other issue with have as well.

 

[CatholicSam]

Thanks so much. You are so wise and your advice is really helpful.

I love the idea of setting some task for each of us and I will include my daughter. I think I will make a chart and show each person’s responsibility on a daily basis and allow them to check it off for each day to see if I get help that way. What do you think of that idea? I know some task will be almost impossible for dh to do with painful feet and use of a cane and with Parkinson’s disease. If he takes his meds as he is suppose to, the parkinson is not bad at all. That is a whole other issue with have as well.

:blushing: Thanks! I hope the suggestions will help!

I think making the list to check off is a good idea. I would have DH make the list with me though. If you present him with his list of chores, he may be a little put off. But if he’s part of the decision-making process and gets to choose which chores to do, he’s more likely to stick with them. Also, present this as something you’re doing mostly for the sake of DD learning to take on her own chores. You don’t want to make him feel like you’re acting like his mom by enforcing chore work. And have prizes, such as if everyone does all their chores for a week, you can go to the movies or out to eat.

Maybe you can brainstorm a list of all the chores than need to be done, and go through them with him and pick out absolutely everything that he physically can do. If those are too much for him, you could offer to take x number of them for him, and he can decide which ones. This will also show you if it would be beneficial to hire extra help.

There is a website, Chore Wars www.chorewars.com, that some other CAF users have started using (me included!). You earn points/treasures for doing chores. If DH is into computer stuff, this may help motivate him!

 

[aweins]

It is hard when you aren’t in agreement about housework. It can be such a difficult time if you struggle to tidy up. If you calmly explain how you feel, and then, again calmly, give some concrete ways he could help, maybe it would improve the situation. ?

Maybe, “I know that you like it when I clean up most often, and honey, I like to do that for us too. But I just can’t keep up with my back problems. It would really help me out if we took turns doing the dishes and taking out the trash”

Good luck…hang in there!

 

[whatevergirl]

Men live there too…why do we women look at men as ‘watching the kids,’ (when we go to the mall with friends or something) or ‘helping to clean up?’ I’m not my husband’s mother…I’m his wife. If I were home all day, it would be different…but no man should expect his wife to work fulltime, and take care of everything at home, too…

 

[CatholicSam]

Men live there too…why do we women look at men as ‘watching the kids,’ (when we go to the mall with friends or something) or ‘helping to clean up?’ I’m not my husband’s mother…I’m his wife. If I were home all day, it would be different…but no man should expect his wife to work fulltime, and take care of everything at home, too…

The OP and her husband both stay home, so it’s a different situation from your family where both parents work outside of the home.

I personally see nothing wrong (although it is a little funny-sounding if you think about it) with saying DH “watches the kids” while the wife goes out with friends. Personally, I say that I “watch the kids” when DH goes out and does something by himself. Yes, technically I wonder if you can really say that a parent “watches the kids” because parents parent, they don’t babysit, which is what “watching the kids” implies. But at the end of the day, it’s the action that matters and not what one person or another will call that action (looking after the children while the other spouse does something else).

And to be honest, I think referring to a DH or a DW with “helping around the house” is sweet and has a sound of appreciation to it. But then again, in this house you can often hear one or the other spouse saying “Thank you so much for your help!!!” Whether that be me thanking DH for folding the laundry or DH expressing his appreciation that I washed the dishes. There’s no harm in being appreciative and complimentary to each other, even if it is just something that needs to be done anyway and not something “above and beyond”.

 

[whatevergirl]

The OP and her husband both stay home, so it’s a different situation from your family where both parents work outside of the home.

I personally see nothing wrong (although it is a little funny-sounding if you think about it) with saying DH “watches the kids” while the wife goes out with friends. Personally, I say that I “watch the kids” when DH goes out and does something by himself. Yes, technically I wonder if you can really say that a parent “watches the kids” because parents parent, they don’t babysit, which is what “watching the kids” implies. But at the end of the day, it’s the action that matters and not what one person or another will call that action (looking after the children while the other spouse does something else).

And to be honest, I think referring to a DH or a DW with “helping around the house” is sweet and has a sound of appreciation to it. But then again, in this house you can often hear one or the other spouse saying “Thank you so much for your help!!!” Whether that be me thanking DH for folding the laundry or DH expressing his appreciation that I washed the dishes. There’s no harm in being appreciative and complimentary to each other, even if it is just something that needs to be done anyway and not something “above and beyond”.

Oops–sorry to the OP…I think I was reading another person’s posts who were speaking from the point I was referring to.

I always thank my dh and he thanks me…we just help each other equally…we are one flesh…now, granted…this wasn’t something that has always occured. I will honestly say, that I grew up differently…where someone cleaned up after me, and therefore…I might have thought this would continue in marriage. Not by my husband, but by the chore fairy? Kidding. But, it took some getting used to on my part to do my fair share. It’s not always the husband who needs some lessons on this subject.

Ok…now that I know what the topic is…lol…if both stay home…if both are capable of doing chores…then, again…there should be an even split, so both can have time to enjoy one another. But, if one or the other is ill…then, of course…we do what we have to do to help each other. Again–we are one flesh…and we should carry one another’s burdens.

Just my thoughts.

 

[whatevergirl]

ok–I reread the OP’s original post…whew, I’m not going insane. lol She asks how many people work, and how do you handle the housework basically if two are working?

But, if both people in the marriage are disabled…again, what can be done by both or either…should be done…if both can help out …then both should do their share…but if one can help out to a smaller degree…then so be it. I guess do as much as you can…that is a tough question!

 

[nana3]

I tried sitting down with my dh and dd tonight. I wrote all the chores down on paper and boy I didn’t know I did so much, no wonder I am overwhelmed. The only thing my dh said he can honestly do is take out the garbage and take the clothes out of the dryer for me. Honestly, I do not know if he is lazy or in severe pain. One really never knows what another goes through, but for example tonight he took off to the mall. Before going he wanted me to cook him some dinner and he was hooking his legs up to a TENS unit, it is for pain control. He takes narcotics also and took some of those and really should not drive, but he is stubborn. If he is in so much pain, why go to the mall? This is where I have a hard time understanding if he just doesn’t want to help out or can’t. Out of the whole list that is all he said he can do. I had three loads of laundry to put away and he saw them, but still went to the mall. He said he would help when he got back, but that would be too late and I plan to go to bed early. My dd signed up for more than he did and I know she can’t do some of the things. I don’t know what else to do. Yes, we are both disabled and both have fibromyalgia, but we have different pains. He has mostly feet pain and I have back and neck pain mostly. I have asked him to go see a pain management doctor like I do, but again he is stubborn and rather take medications that I know don’t help him anymore.

I guess I have to accept that he will not help much and I need to do everything if I want things to get done. I was just concerned for I will taking up homeschooling this year and that is yet another responsibility for me.

I know that he probably went to the mall to shop for my anniversary gift, but sometimes all I want more than any gift is his help and yes, I have told him numerous times. He likes to shop. He is a man who loves to shop.

 

[JenniferMoon]

My husband is an electrician and works 60+ hours a week. He eats here, sleeps here, and goes back to work. I manage the money and all the bills, cook, wash and fold laundry, iron clothes, grocery shop, make all the beds, and clean. I do yard work (raking, gardening, general cleanup). I handle all the school things for the three boys, and all doctor appointments for our 4 kids. Our oldest son does the mowing, while ds15 does the weed whacking. I have no friends and don’t go out. He has been promising to give me a break so I can get some pampering… like a haircut… for oh, about a year. Anything special I want or need, I do it for myself. He has a running list of things he wants me to purchase for him~ a radio, batteries, socks and boxers, shaving cream and razors, a new toothbrush, cologne, body wash, etc… there’s constantly a list. We go out without the kids… uh maybeeee, once a year? He helps with the baby (a diaper change or getting a bottle) I’d say once a week tops.

And no, I’m not happy. I see a therapist every 3 weeks and go to Haven House meetings weekly (paying my teens big bucks to watch the younger two) because my husband is a verbal/emotional abuser.

 

[CatholicSam]

How many wives would give their eye teeth for a hubby who loves to shop! Mine “tolerates” shopping, but he’d be much happier not to.

Here’s an idea. DH can do the grocery shopping since he likes to shop. He can also do all the bills and paperwork, and when you start homeschooling, he can do at least half of that as well. Those things (minus the shopping) can be done from his armchair, so no excuses!

Now it’s time for YOU to sign up for chores. Be reasonable and sign up for everything you think you can do without killing yourself. Show him the list of things that you can’t do (maybe you can do those things, but because of all the other things you won’t have energy for it). Suggest hiring someone to do it. I think that if you can afford it, it may be better for your DH to do what he can, for you and your DD to do what you can, and to hire someone to make up the difference. If that brings peace to your marriage and takes out the resentment of both of your disabilities (and DH’s possible flat-out laziness), then wouldn’t it be worth it? Just because DH and DD didn’t sign up for a chore doesn’t automatically mean you have to make up the difference.

 

[aweins]

Married life is so hard. I am not going to be trite and act like I know everything, because I have been married for less than two years. It is amazing that the process of becoming one takes a lifetime, and creating a house and a family is something that takes a ton of work and doesn’t all go smoothly.

Balancing between outside life and home life is something I am struggling with also. I think it is important to have some socialization. Friends are really important. We just moved, and I am now working, so I am in the same boat! I have found though, that even once a week is enough to get out of the house with someone and be a woman. Go get coffee, go to a park, eat lunch…something!

Best of luck to you…I do hope it gets better

 

[nana3]

How many wives would give their eye teeth for a hubby who loves to shop! Mine “tolerates” shopping, but he’d be much happier not to.

Here’s an idea. DH can do the grocery shopping since he likes to shop. He can also do all the bills and paperwork, and when you start homeschooling, he can do at least half of that as well. Those things (minus the shopping) can be done from his armchair, so no excuses!

Now it’s time for YOU to sign up for chores. Be reasonable and sign up for everything you think you can do without killing yourself. Show him the list of things that you can’t do (maybe you can do those things, but because of all the other things you won’t have energy for it). Suggest hiring someone to do it. I think that if you can afford it, it may be better for your DH to do what he can, for you and your DD to do what you can, and to hire someone to make up the difference. If that brings peace to your marriage and takes out the resentment of both of your disabilities (and DH’s possible flat-out laziness), then wouldn’t it be worth it? Just because DH and DD didn’t sign up for a chore doesn’t automatically mean you have to make up the difference.

You’re right, I don’t have to make up the difference. As far as dh doing the bills, well they just won’t get done and the check book would be unkept etc. When I met him, his finances were a mess. He admits to this and has given me the bills to pay. He likes to spend, but hates to keep tab on what is left in the checking account. I do like the fact that if I need anything from the grocery store, where I mind going out, he doesn’t and will do it immediately for me. That is a positive quality he has had since we have been married. I did ask him to please make the bed if he is the last to get up, which he is, but it rarely gets down. After I make the bed, he would say, “I was going to do that.” I don’t say anything, but part of me wants to say, “…then why didn’t you?”

I know that since he has put on over 100 lbs of extra fat, he is less motivated and lazy.

I will try to do my best and I guess hire someone to make up the difference that I can’t.

 

[RWMorris]

DH and I both work so we typically share chores…he usually washes dishes and makes dinner because I am teaching in the evening usually. I take care of “regular” housework. But even so, we have a very nice housekeeper come in once a week to give the place a good clean. It’s worth the $30 per week not to have to worry about it.
Many times you can advertise through your church bulletin for a teenager to come in and clean for even less. If dividing housework is an issue, as it used to be for me and my DH, getting outside help is a great idea. Most people don’t know they can afford it when they really can.