How many times do I try?

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mustangbluegirl

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I married my high school sweetheart after 6 years of dating (it wasn’t an easy 6 years with many split ups and I conceived a child with another during this time. ) We married 11 years ago. He took my son as his own from day 1. We have 4 sons of our own for a total of 5 boys between the ages of 2 and 14.
2 years ago while I was 8 months pregnant with #5 I was blindsided when he asked for a divorce. My heart felt as it had been ripped from my chest. I fought it. I hung on, prayed, pleaded and refused to divorce. Then i found he was having an affair with one of my friends and was “in love with her” Again, I held strong, prayed, refused to budge. He conceived a child with her which she aborted. (against my husbands wishes as he is pro life. Fathers have no rights it seems) He cried, begged and pleaded for me not to leave him. I didn’t. But he continued to play around with that relationship. He did a back and forth over a year. At some point we went to retrouvaille. I was in “couple” therapy from day one of his request for a divorce. He only went a few times. He has been back and forth… back and forth. In sept 2011 I had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for 2 weeks. I tried separating twice… each time he would come begging me to return. Promising the world. Things would change. It would be different. And within a few months he was back to wanting a divorce. Each time I forgave him and opened myself up to him. Each time my heart was CRUSHED.
A month ago he once again said we HAD to get a divorce. Paperwork has been filed. We are living separate. I am trying to get my life and self esteem back on track.
I have been off of my anti depressants and anxiety meds now for 2 weeks and feel GREAT.
HOWEVER…
He is begging me to come back. To do Retrouvaille again. To start over. To make this work.
I have told him that IF I were to even consider it I have things I would require. HE would have to attend therapy, financial counseling classes, and we MUST make dialogue and prayer a PRIORITY. All of which he promises to do.

I love him. I do. We have almost 20 years together.
He used to be my best friend.
I know the bible says to forgive… 7 times 70?
But I am scared of the heartbreak again… if like every other time… he changes his mind.
I know the church’s view on divorce but even some of my more devout Catholic friends are saying no way. Don’t go back.

I … don’t know what to do.
Am I a fool if I go back?
 
mustangbluegirl said:
Am I a fool if I go back?
Click to expand...
Yes.

Christ said that we must always be willing to forgive as the Father forgives us. But that doesn’t mean we allow ourselves to get run over by people who use us and then spit us out. Difficult as it may be, you need to do what is best for your children and your own mental and physical health. You know what that is.

Forgive him his trespasses as the Father forgives your trespasses. But don’t let him destroy your mental well-being the way he has in the past.
 
Honestly,I really admire how far you were willing to go for your marriage. I hope that you have had some opportunity to develop a relationship with a Catholic counselor and that you can afford to go back, you need this.
 
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Remember that when the Prodigal Son came back, the father said to his brother, “Everything I have is yours”…“yours”, not “yours and your brothers”. Even in the midst of his joyful reconciliation with the younger son, the father was explaining to the older son that the younger one would have to face the temporal consequences of his sins. Our sins do have temporal consequences, even when the sins that did the damage are totally forgiven. This is why canon law allows severing the common life and even civil divorce if your spouse cannot live under the same roof with you in peace and fidelity.

You don’t have to make this decision in a day. So far, he has been the one making the decisions, pushing for things to go this way or that. You don’t have to give him a “Yes” or a “No.” You can give him a “you hold up your end for awhile, and we’ll see. I have carried this marriage on my back until it has broken my health. It is your turn to carry the suspense for awhile. When you have convinced me that you really are dependable and willing to take a gamble on me, with no guarantees, just as I have done over and over for you, then we’ll return to this question.”

One person alone can forgive, but reconcilliation takes two. Reconciliation is also not the restoration of an old relationship in pristine condition. No, reconciliation is the re-building a new relationship. It doesn’t happen by willing it to happen. It happens by the emotional structure between the two parties truly being rebuilt. Unless the marital structure was rendered uninhabitable only due to misconceptions that can be cleared up in a day, that takes time.

I think that eventually you* will* know your own mind, and you will have a definite answer for him. Until then, if he truly wants to return to you, he’s going to have to wait. It is your perogative to cut off the common conjugal life, since he has been unfaithful. Do not let him back into that life until your answer is an unequivocal “yes” again. He can’t ask for any more from you. No one can.
 
Just a thought.

Whether there is a divorce or not, suggest to him that he become a better person
FIRST, without putting you through what you went through several times already. It may take him a few years to allow the Lord to change him into great husband material. He needs to know that.

That may not happen.

Develop a deeper relationship with the Lord, He is always reliable! Your children need you, and they need the Lord. Our Lord Jesus Christ is there to grace you! Jesus will never let you down…follow Him!
 
Sometimes you have to let go when the damage is that great. He went out, had his fun, and now he wants you again because you are willing to love him considering what he did.

Big damage requires big decisions.
 
None of us can tell you whether you are a fool to go back or not. Only you can answer that question. I would not even venture to try.

There comes a time when you just can’t take anymore and you appear to be pretty much right there.

To be honest - if it were me - I would be inclined to say - no, we need to complete the divorce…He needs to finish at least one thing that he started…He can’t keep bouncing back and forth.
So complete the divorce and then immediately have the marriage examined by a tribunal. You can go ahead and talk to someone now…
This will give you some good additional info on you husband’s outlook and level of maturity (which frankly seems quite low).

Once the civil divorce is final and the Tribunal has reviewed the case - only then would I want to seriously consider the next step(s)…

As for his flip-flopping…I have to wonder if his desire to reconcile has something to do with discovering just how fat the child support check is going to be.
I apologize if that sounds uncharitable.

Peace
James
 
I would not go to a divorce straight away, to be honest. I would instead tell him that I cannot trust that he will actually change in a permanent way and so I am unwilling to get back together until he has already changed. And not just on the surface, but well and truly throughout. I would not go back to him until such a transformation takes place though, and I would be very careful about making sure that he has *actually *changed before believing any hopeful signs that you see in him. If he ends up divorcing you because you won’t come back, so be it, it is not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it. Do not be manipulated or swayed to move back in with him until/unless it is very clear that he has had a permanent change of heart.
 
^^^^^^^^👍👍^^^^^^^^

I will be praying for you. This is a very difficult situation. It would be difficult for anyone to say that you haven’t tried to save your marriage. If and when he has shown that he has truly changed then you can decide what you really want.
 
thewanderer said:
I would not go to a divorce straight away, to be honest. I would instead tell him that I cannot trust that he will actually change in a permanent way and so I am unwilling to get back together until he has already changed. And not just on the surface, but well and truly throughout. I would not go back to him until such a transformation takes place though, and I would be very careful about making sure that he has *actually *changed before believing any hopeful signs that you see in him. If he ends up divorcing you because you won’t come back, so be it, it is not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it. Do not be manipulated or swayed to move back in with him until/unless it is very clear that he has had a permanent change of heart.
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Yes, this. He’s already hurt you many times, and just saying, “I’m sorry” isn’t enough at this point. Tell him that you will remain separated until he goes through therapy and demonstrates a real change, and this is not going to take 2 weeks. He has made the kind of mistakes/sins that take a lifetime to repair. Just being sorry is the first step but not the last.
 
thewanderer said:
I would not go to a divorce straight away, to be honest. I would instead tell him that I cannot trust that he will actually change in a permanent way and so I am unwilling to get back together until he has already changed. And not just on the surface, but well and truly throughout. I would not go back to him until such a transformation takes place though, and I would be very careful about making sure that he has *actually *changed before believing any hopeful signs that you see in him. If he ends up divorcing you because you won’t come back, so be it, it is not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it. Do not be manipulated or swayed to move back in with him until/unless it is very clear that he has had a permanent change of heart.
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This is what I was going to say, but it has been said.

You love him, and if he actually was different, you would be with him. Don’t put yourself through the heartache of divorce just yet. You actually hold the power right now. He is asking to come back. Tell him what must happen before that can happen. Tell him what changes have to be in place in order to come back, and then stick to it. You are already separated. You have nothing to lose by trying it your way this time. May God bless you and guide you.
 
mustangbluegirl said:
I married my high school sweetheart after 6 years of dating (it wasn’t an easy 6 years with many split ups and I conceived a child with another during this time. ) We married 11 years ago. He took my son as his own from day 1. We have 4 sons of our own for a total of 5 boys between the ages of 2 and 14.
2 years ago while I was 8 months pregnant with #5 I was blindsided when he asked for a divorce. My heart felt as it had been ripped from my chest. I fought it. I hung on, prayed, pleaded and refused to divorce. Then i found he was having an affair with one of my friends and was “in love with her” Again, I held strong, prayed, refused to budge. He conceived a child with her which she aborted. (against my husbands wishes as he is pro life. Fathers have no rights it seems) He cried, begged and pleaded for me not to leave him. I didn’t. But he continued to play around with that relationship. He did a back and forth over a year. At some point we went to retrouvaille. I was in “couple” therapy from day one of his request for a divorce. He only went a few times. He has been back and forth… back and forth. In sept 2011 I had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for 2 weeks. I tried separating twice… each time he would come begging me to return. Promising the world. Things would change. It would be different. And within a few months he was back to wanting a divorce. Each time I forgave him and opened myself up to him. Each time my heart was CRUSHED.
A month ago he once again said we HAD to get a divorce. Paperwork has been filed. We are living separate. I am trying to get my life and self esteem back on track.
I have been off of my anti depressants and anxiety meds now for 2 weeks and feel GREAT.
HOWEVER…
He is begging me to come back. To do Retrouvaille again. To start over. To make this work.
I have told him that IF I were to even consider it I have things I would require. HE would have to attend therapy, financial counseling classes, and we MUST make dialogue and prayer a PRIORITY. All of which he promises to do.

I love him. I do. We have almost 20 years together.
He used to be my best friend.
I know the bible says to forgive… 7 times 70?
But I am scared of the heartbreak again… if like every other time… he changes his mind.
I know the church’s view on divorce but even some of my more devout Catholic friends are saying no way. Don’t go back.

I … don’t know what to do.
Am I a fool if I go back?
Click to expand...
Being forgiving and being a doormat are not the same. Don’t let him suck you back in; you have a good start in getting your life back. Your sons need to see you stand up for yourself and that what their father is doing is not the way to treat the mother of one’s children.
 
Catholic1954 said:
Being forgiving and being a doormat are not the same. Don’t let him suck you back in; you have a good start in getting your life back. Your sons need to see you stand up for yourself and that what their father is doing is not the way to treat the mother of one’s children.
Click to expand...
If she follows her own mind, and doesn’t let herself be bullied into doing anything she does not want to do, whether that is divorce or reconcilation, her sons will respect her just fine. If they don’t, that is their problem. But yes, she ought not feel compelled to give him another chance if her sense is that she has given him enough chances. There is a limit, she is the best one to judge what it is, but* she does need to give herself permission to say*, “It is my right to decide what my limit is, it is a decision I can only rightly arrive at through the guidance of God, but with the blessings of Heaven I do have a limit. I have run the good race, and I am done.”
 
thewanderer said:
I would not go to a divorce straight away, to be honest. I would instead tell him that I cannot trust that he will actually change in a permanent way and so I am unwilling to get back together until he has already changed. And not just on the surface, but well and truly throughout. I would not go back to him until such a transformation takes place though, and I would be very careful about making sure that he has *actually *changed before believing any hopeful signs that you see in him. If he ends up divorcing you because you won’t come back, so be it, it is not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it. Do not be manipulated or swayed to move back in with him until/unless it is very clear that he has had a permanent change of heart.
Click to expand...
This is general course of action I agree with.

However, I would take it one step further. The situation is not simply about husband and wife anymore. The main issue is the relationship between the parents and children, and that must be the focus going forward. Both parties must put their issues aside, however difficult that may be, and start with focusing on and reconciling with the children.
 
God does want us to try at marriage but we aren’t supposed to let ourselves be continually used and abused. It sounds to me like he will never be reliable given his track record I would let him go for your own sanity if nothing else. Prayers 🤷
 
EasterJoy said:
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Remember that when the Prodigal Son came back, the father said to his brother, “Everything I have is yours”…“yours”, not “yours and your brothers”. Even in the midst of his joyful reconciliation with the younger son, the father was explaining to the older son that the younger one would have to face the temporal consequences of his sins. Our sins do have temporal consequences, even when the sins that did the damage are totally forgiven. This is why canon law allows severing the common life and even civil divorce if your spouse cannot live under the same roof with you in peace and fidelity…
Click to expand...
Wow, that’s a part of the prodigal son story I did not catch. Good point, too. I agree with the rest of what you said and I see that everyone on this first page (did not read 2nd page) agrees the OP should take care. Yes, we must forgive 70x7 but are never commanded to trust anyone who has proven they are not to be trusted…
 
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