How much anti-Catholic complaining can I tolerate?

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NSFrame

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This is sort of a rant on my part. We have an elderly friend of the family, and my husband is her POA and healthcare proxy, so we see her quite a bit now. She has short-term memory loss. She was in a convent orphanage as a child and had a terrible experience, finally being adopted at the age of around 11 into a nice home in the U.S. Over and over again when we’re with her she talks about how she hates the pope and wants to confront and sue him about her ill treatment as a child, how bad religion is, especially Catholicism, how terrible nuns and priests are, etc etc. Because she forgets what she says from one sentence to the next, we hear it every time, multiple times, we’re together. I am truly losing patience with the situation and it makes me not want to be around her. I still want DH to take care of her as a family-less older person, I know she is talking out of ignorance and is otherwise a good person - but it is becoming very tough.

Maybe not looking for solutions so much as ways for me to deal personally, since this is not something that can be changed.
 
Does she know that you are Catholic? Are there triggers that set her off that you could reasonably avoid? Are there happier subjects she also enjoys talking about?

If this has become a kind of constant storytelling she does, then yeah, there’s probably not much you can do about it. 😦 You can always try offering it up (and her suffering too) and that might help, or when it’s particularly bad or you’re exceptionally aggravated have a list of excuses handy to step out for a moment.

What a tough situation. I will pray for you, and I’m sure others will too!
 
I have an elderly great aunt like that. She complains bitterly about my grandmother (who I was very close to) every time I see her. They were rivals growing up, and my grandma was very pretty and married a good man. My aunt remained single for life. My grandma passed away when I was a teenager, but I have grown close to my aunt and she’s now in her 90’s. Every time I see her she starts in on one of her horrible rants about my grandma, and she always thinks that she’s telling me something I haven’t heard.

So far, my only solution has been to try to distract her with happier topics the best I can and leave her house feeling sad.😦
 
She “knows” we are Catholic but I don’t know if she’s thinking straight necessarily - honestly I think this is the part of it that bothers me, that she must remember that we’re Catholic, she hasn’t gone completely ga-ga, it’s more short-term memory.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I have an elderly great aunt like that. She complains bitterly about my grandmother (who I was very close to) every time I see her. They were rivals growing up, and my grandma was very pretty and married a good man. My aunt remained single for life. My grandma passed away when I was a teenager, but I have grown close to my aunt and she’s now in her 90’s. Every time I see her she starts in on one of her horrible rants about my grandma, and she always thinks that she’s telling me something I haven’t heard.

So far, my only solution has been to try to distract her with happier topics the best I can and leave her house feeling sad.😦
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😦 Yes, that sounds bad, and totally different yet the same thing.
 
NSFrame said:
She “knows” we are Catholic but I don’t know if she’s thinking straight necessarily - honestly I think this is the part of it that bothers me, that she must remember that we’re Catholic, she hasn’t gone completely ga-ga, it’s more short-term memory.
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Or maybe she is going to repeat until you actually HEAR her truth and stop your denial .
 
NSFrame said:
She “knows” we are Catholic but I don’t know if she’s thinking straight necessarily - honestly I think this is the part of it that bothers me, that she must remember that we’re Catholic, she hasn’t gone completely ga-ga, it’s more short-term memory.
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It’s probably that she feels that she was so wronged by the orphanage, that her pain (and age, lets face it) trump you being Catholic. If called on it, she would probably tell you indignantly that she wasn’t talking about you and your family, of course.

You can either speak up to her, or just silently take it. I don’t think there’s a wrong answer, it’s just what you and your husband feel most comfortable with. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
 
We have a sign at my work that reads “No Whining Zone” I always look at it when I walk by.😛
 
benotagoat said:
Or maybe she is going to repeat until you actually HEAR her truth and stop your denial .
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People who are getting very elderly and having short-term memory problems often start living in their childhoods at some point.

I doubt very much she remembers that she told the same story last visit and the one before that and the one before that.

Come to think of it, can she be redirected to talking about the nice family that adopted her?
 
The first thing you need to do is remind yourself that she can’t help it. She isn’t doing it on purpose.

Ask your husband how he is able to deal with it. And then, when she starts to say something, change the dynamic. If she says the pope is xyz, just say “well, it’s a different pope now, so enough of that. Pretty soon the tulips will be blooming! Won’t it be lovely when it is finally spring?” Steer the conversation elsewhere.

My mother-in-law was like that, telling the same story over and over. As her memory failed, she would ask the same question literally 5 minutes later. She couldn’t help it. If you keep that in mind, it makes it a bit easier.
 
Xantippe said:
People who are getting very elderly and having short-term memory problems often start living in their childhoods at some point.

I doubt very much she remembers that she told the same story last visit and the one before that and the one before that.

Come to think of it, can she be redirected to talking about the nice family that adopted her?
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My grandfather went back to a time when he was fighting the lousy Japs. And he really didn’t have a lot of nice things to say about them either.

As to the OP. I can honestly say I don’t understand taking the ramblings of a mad woman personally. She can’t really control what she is saying and I’m sure she means no harm.
 
I don’t take it personally. I know she is an old lady and old people repeat themselves. I want to continue to take care of her despite all of this.

I just need a way to handle these constant rants against something I hold dear when stepping away (or getting her to stop talking about it) aren’t really options.

Obviously she did suffer, so I’m not trying to invalidate her experiences, it’s just her lumping the entire church together as an inherently abusive institution that’s hurtful.
 
Hi NSFrame,

I agree with those who said that she can’t help it.

As hurtful as it is to hear it, the best thing that you can tell yourself is that she can’t help it.

I too have seen this kind of behavior in family members as their minds started aging and I started seeing signs of memory loss with them. From my own experiences, they tend to say whatever is on their minds, no matter what it is.
 
More than you think! I have been living surrounded by Protestant or non believing family (I am the only one in my whole family) for 16 years. You learn to shut up and pray silently for them instead. Likely she doesn’t realize you’re catholic or on the flip side doesn’t care cause she’s been so hurt by members of the catholic faith. Either way if it’s necessary for this lady to continue meeting with you, then you’ll just have to tolerate it unfortunately. Can they not meet somewhere else?
 
NSFrame said:
I don’t doubt her story, I know she had a terrible experience.
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If you have shown sympathy already ,then you need to tell her, in her lucid moments, that if she dies, without forgiving everyone who has hurt her, she will not go to heaven as she herself will not be forgiven .
 
I do like the idea of redirecting her thoughts to her good adoptive family.

Otherwise, since there’s really nothing you can do about it, maybe you can offer it up for the sins of those horrible people who abused her.

You might also want to pray that this lady will find some peace. It’s terrible that these bad memories would torment her all the way until the end of her life.

Praying for patience is also good. I find any kind of repeated story or insult hard to bear, myself, and it’s a terrible weakness in me that has gotten me into trouble a lot. (Because I tend to lose my temper or cry, and neither reaction helps.) Obviously you are more patient than I am, and so the good Lord may have decided to give you a masterclass in patience to polish your virtues!

Maybe if you think of it as training, you can get some mental distance.

Good luck… this is a rough one, no doubt, but it’s a duty.
 
benotagoat said:
If you have shown sympathy already ,then you need to tell her, in her lucid moments, that if she dies, without forgiving everyone who has hurt her, she will not go to heaven as she herself will not be forgiven .
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I don’t think that is the OP’s call to make, and I don’t know that it is a very effective tack to take with an older person whose mind is failing.
 
benotagoat said:
If you have shown sympathy already ,then you need to tell her, in her lucid moments, that if she dies, without forgiving everyone who has hurt her, she will not go to heaven as she herself will not be forgiven .
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That would be very cruel and unkind.
 
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