How much do we tell our kids?

[theresa]

SMHW, you bring up a concern that I didn’t mention in my earlier scenario. A friend of mine is concerned that her children might hear from family members about the action that she took years ago. So far nothing has been mentioned and only two of her family members know about it. It’s a tough spot she’s in. Could you all pray for her? She is very anxious about this. She does understand that God has forgiven her, but dealing with the aftermath is challenging, worrying about how her children might find out from someone other than herself. Sin has a ripple effect through many years, doesn’t it? Thank you all for your responses. My gut instinct was to advise her to not tell her children. Some things are better left confessed to God, not the children. The possibility of the kids being traumatized is just not worth it. God bless you for your help.

 

[LittleRose]

Unless they ask, say nothing. If they do ask, be truthful, but be sure to include that what you did was wrong, and why it was wrong–objectively in terms of church teaching. Also include the negative consequences that you faced as a result. Make sure your kids understand that you could and should have done better, and you expect them to make better decisions.

 

[ecp007]

Nada, zip, bupkis…Hire a counselor, see your priest, tell your spiritual director, but do not burden your kids with this.

I agree.

You may have a need to tell. But they have no reasonable need to know. Do not burden them.

Set the highest possible expectations for their behavior, and they will live up to it.

 

[cmom]

If you see your kids about to make a big mistake in their life, and if its something you did which gave you grave consequences, point it out to them.

Also tell them anything first that they are likely to hear from grandma or their aunts or uncles or the next door neighbor. Always explain the consequences and how your life was messed up as a result.

 

[SueKrum]

I don’t think it’s a good idea to volunteer information about your past transgressions to your children

…except…

in the case where it is almost certain that they are going to learn about it. In such a case it is probably wise to control the way your children discover the truth.

For instance, if your child was conceived out of wedlock, even if you married later, that child is eventually going to do the math. If you lived with someone long term and that person was/is well known to extended family members then one of those family members is likely to spill the beans.

It might be a good idea to tell your child that you made the mistake before the child throws it at you.

this is exactly what I was going to say! my sister had a baby almost 14 years ago and she and her husband are about to celebrate their 13th annaversery. My niece is a smart girl. I don’t know if she’s asked yet, but she will some day and my sister will be faced with telling her at least some of her past sins.

If a parent can be prepaired before hand to tell their child something in the light of Scripture and Church teaching, it can be a good moment between parent and child. it’s thin ice though. and I believe that most things should not be discussed unless the child is 1)mature enough to hear it and 2) they child has asked a question about it.

another reason why a parent might have to tell their children about their past is if they are public speaker of some sort. there are some women in the “silent no more” campaign who, I am sure, have had to tell their children about their past abortion because they were about to tell a bunch of people on national television and their child deserves to hear it one on one before seeing it on TV or something like that.

 

[puzzleannie]

personally I don’t believe we have the right to burden our kids, spouses, parents etc. with the weight of our own guilt and problems. Once we have had recourse to the sacrament of penance and reconciliation, that has accomplished all the confessing we have to do.

the fallacy in the idea that I have to tell my kid what I did wrong at his age is the common fallacy that only someone with personal experience (either of something good or of something bad) is a reliable teacher and advisor. That logic means an unmarried priest cannot advise married persons–a very common fallacy. A married person has experience with one marriage. A priest with a good theology and moral education has the reliance on 2000 years of experience and teaching. Another analogy is the idea that on an African-American can teach Black History, or only a woman can teach women’s studies. By that logic we should stop teaching the history of the Roman Empire or of the American Revolution because nobody who experienced those times is still around.