How much do you put up with?

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Just a question I thought of, I am by no means going to be leaving my girlfriend, but she did something that kind of got on my nerves the other day, and was wondering, when enough is enough of something.

I believe that once you’re married to someone there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that can separate you if you’re both willing to work things out. As for boyfriend/girlfriend I believe that as well, except if they show that they are unfaithful, before marriage.

I was just curious as to what everyone’s opinion is on this. When is enough, enough. When do you say… (in or out of marriage) that you want “out” of the relationship. In other words… what would make you so upset at your partner, to leave them?

Again, this is just for kicks, the problem I had is resolved and everything seems just dandy with us now:)

Andrew
 
abb said:
Just a question I thought of, I am by no means going to be leaving my girlfriend, but she did something that kind of got on my nerves the other day, and was wondering, when enough is enough of something.

I believe that once you’re married to someone there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that can separate you if you’re both willing to work things out. As for boyfriend/girlfriend I believe that as well, except if they show that they are unfaithful, before marriage.

I was just curious as to what everyone’s opinion is on this. When is enough, enough. When do you say… (in or out of marriage) that you want “out” of the relationship. In other words… what would make you so upset at your partner, to leave them?

Again, this is just for kicks, the problem I had is resolved and everything seems just dandy with us now:)

Andrew
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Well if you’re Catholic and married in the Church, then that point becomes when it is no longer safe for you or for your children to be under the same roof as a dangerous spouse. Even if you leave, and/or divorce, you’re still married in the eyes of the Church so you can’t enter into any future relationships. Basically, that point is narrowly defined by the Church and has nothing to do with ‘feelings’, ‘annoyances’, ‘drifting apart’ on the part of one party or the other.

If you’re dating, then I’d follow your ‘feelings’, but only after you’ve examined them properly…many times things our partners do rub us the wrong way, not because of what they do, but because that particular behavior reminds us of something someone in our past did which pained us terribly. Being able to separate the behavior from the bad memory can make a big difference in a relationship.

You also need to examine those behaviors from the eyes of the Church. If they are behaviors which are outside Church teachings and the other party has no desire to change (nor foresees a time when they might reconsider), then it’s time to move on. You can invite the ones you love to improve themselves but you can’t demand it, nor even expect it.

Being willing to change one’s behaviors upon the request of a loved one is dependent upon the level of trust established. Once a person can trust that the loved one would never, ever, ask the person to do something which would be detrimental to him/her then they become more willing to change because they know they will be the better for the change. But if a loved one asks us to do something we know would not be acceptable to God, then that is an indication (a serious one) that this person does not have your best interest at heart but only his/her own gratification. Talking the matter out is critical. But if, after you’ve explained your desire to live in God’s light the other party still wants you to do things they know the Church teaches against, then walk away.

But that’s just my opinion.
 
You know, outside of marriage I think you need to be careful to not put up with too much. I think it is good to ask yourself if “x” is really a trait that you want your future spouse to make. I think I was way too forgiving and understanding while dating and engaged and ended up marrying someone I shouldn’t have.

If you have doubts, it is better to deal with them now than sweep them under the carpet. This will also give you a good idea if your special other is able to look at a situation from your perspective from time to time.
 
abb said:
I believe that once you’re married to someone there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that can separate you if you’re both willing to work things out. As for boyfriend/girlfriend I believe that as well, except if they show that they are unfaithful, before marriage.
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I pretty much believe the same as you, regarding marriage. But not about dating! Dating/courtship doesn’t carry that level of commitment. Courtship is a time to evaluate whether you trust and admire the persona as she is right now enough to entrust her with your entire life. If/when the idea of spending the rest of your mortal years with a particular person gives you pause… leave! For whatever reason strikes you, big or little. No need to wait for something as disastrous as infidelity. You’re not bound to the person until you say “I do”.

I haven’t always been this systematic about it, especially when I was a teen… but these days I decline dates and/or leave relationships as soon as I realize that I definitely do not want to marry that person. That doesn’t mean that I think the other person is horrible. I might even still feel affectionate toward him. It just means I realized he isn’t for me. So I go.

As for marriage… what YYM said.
 
dulcissima said:
You know, outside of marriage I think you need to be careful to not put up with too much. I think it is good to ask yourself if “x” is really a trait that you want your future spouse to make. I think I was way too forgiving and understanding while dating and engaged and ended up marrying someone I shouldn’t have.

If you have doubts, it is better to deal with them now than sweep them under the carpet. This will also give you a good idea if your special other is able to look at a situation from your perspective from time to time.
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Might I ask how that is working out for you? -are you still married to them?

Andrew
 
Here’s a wonderful notion that someone posted on another thread:

Unconditional love is a demand of a sacramental marriage, not of courtship or dating. If your girl/boy friend has personality flaws or quirks or even sins that you do not like, you are not called to love them heroically even in spite of those qualities. Rather, it is a sign that this person may not be right for you.
 
abb said:
I believe that once you’re married to someone there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that can separate you if you’re both willing to work things out. As for boyfriend/girlfriend I believe that as well, except if they show that they are unfaithful, before marriage.
Andrew
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Andrew, I disagree that the dating/discernment process has the same parameters as marriage. The purpose of dating/discerning is to determine if the person has the qualities and attributes that would make a good spouse and a compatible mate. Frequent disagreements, or “getting on the nerves”, during courtship are a very big red flag that the person does not have the qualities and attributes that will make for a successful marriage with you.

If you find yourself frequently having to “work it out” with your girlfriend, then I would move on.

I suggest the book “Date or Soul Mate” by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. It would do you a world of good to read this book.
 
1ke said:
If you find yourself frequently having to “work it out” with your girlfriend, then I would move on.
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I would ask the question:

Once you “work it out” is it resolved, or do you have to “work it out” over the same things repeatedly?

Some of it is getting to know someone. You might find you’re meant to marry someone because you can solve conflict well. On the other hand, maybe too many conflicts is your red flag to move on.

It can go either way…

God bless,

kevinsgirl :love:
 
dulcissima said:
You know, outside of marriage I think you need to be careful to not put up with too much. I think it is good to ask yourself if “x” is really a trait that you want your future spouse to make. I think I was way too forgiving and understanding while dating and engaged and ended up marrying someone I shouldn’t have.

If you have doubts, it is better to deal with them now than sweep them under the carpet. This will also give you a good idea if your special other is able to look at a situation from your perspective from time to time.
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We’ve been married for 17 years during which I have continued my pattern of being too forgiving and understanding. I left him 5 months ago and next month our divorce should be final. I should have not accepted the problems back at the dating stage and moved on.
 
Within a good “courting” relationship (and courting is essential) I don’t think these problems of “should I go” should come up too often.

I had a lot of problems at the beginning of my relationship with my girlfriend, meaning, I was the cause of these problems. My girlfriend helped me to get through them and we’re so much better because of it. We’ve also had some issues to work out during our courtship, but we’ve grown closer to each other through each of them. There has always been a genuine attempt to get through the problems that cause us difficulty.

I think it would be a serious problem on the part of the people involved to depend on a “perfect” relationship where there were no problems or no issues to deal with or anything to work through. A relationship IS two people making it work for each other.

Granted, there might be a time when even after working through things you don’t feel like you’ve gotten anywhere. Perhaps you feel “working through things” was only “patching things” or making things better only temporarily. If you feel, also, that there never seems to be an end and that the problems keep piling up, there might be a time to sit down with your significant other and discuss your relationship on more general terms.

I would break it down like this:

Is there a genuine attempt to make the relationship work on the part of both parties?

If “no,” analyze whether one person of the relationship needs to “wake up” or just be shocked back into reality. But if both people are in their right mind, consider ending things.

If “yes,” you have a good foundation which is essential to the stability of a long-term relationship. Continue to next question.

Do you tend to work out problems well and find solutions and/or methods to solve them over a period of time?

If “no,” talk to your significant other on ways to improve this aspect of your relationship. There’s no point in getting married if you can’t work through problems, even if you really want to make the relationship work.

If “yes,” great! You’re well on your way to finding the person right for you! Continue to next question.

Do your solutions or methods of solution provide your relationship with a means to grow as a person, as a couple, and closer to each other?

If “no,” there might be a sort of “stall” in your relationship. You feel like you’re doing everything you can to make your relationship work; you feel you really are working things out; but if the problems keep coming up and there seems to be no joy or “meaning” or LIFE to the relationship, I would suggest either seeking a priest to help guide you to more meaningful goals or really, again, having a chat and deciding what it is that your relationship is about.

If “yes,” buddy, get married. You might have problems, and you might be struggling against a particular trait or tendency of the other person, but if working through the problems and if finding a soultion consistently provides the relationship with a means to grow in love, marriage is certainly an option and should be considered.
I have written this little “breakdown” in the mindset that your relationship is based on the love of Jesus Christ, that your relationship is a chaste one, and that you respect your significant other as a person, not a means to enjoyment. You MUST celebrate the sacraments, you MUST pray with your significant other, you MUST be open to any conversation, you MUST not have secrets, etc.

If you want to know about all these, you can talk to me, but in regards to “breaking up” or “how much is too much” I hope my little chart helped.
 
dulcissima said:
We’ve been married for 17 years during which I have continued my pattern of being too forgiving and understanding. I left him 5 months ago and next month our divorce should be final. I should have not accepted the problems back at the dating stage and moved on.
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Amen Sister!! I’m in the same boat as you.
 
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