How much does forgiveness entail?

[JMJServant]

When my wife was in college and shortly thereafter, she was taken advantage of by an older male who was/is a close friend of her family. From maybe her early-to-mid teen yrs, he functioned to her and her siblings as a surrogate father figure. Over the course of a few yrs, they had an inappropriate physical relationship, with at least one encounter happening when she and I were dating.

I don’t quite understand how an adult can do something like this with someone who doesn’t have a gun to their head and still feel like they have no choice, but I try to tell myself that I don’t know what its like to be in her shoes, and I don’t blame her. She would get a panic attack whenever he’d come over and visit, so I’m sure it did a number on her.

She finally told her mother and she confronted the man, and he apologized and begged for forgiveness - he began going to counseling and indicating that he would do whatever they wanted him to do. I have no reason to doubt his sincerity. My wife indicated she still wants him to come around - he is still thought of as a father figure by her younger brothers and sister and she didn’t want to deprive them of that (though he is never alone with any of them) Also, she tells me that if she cuts off communication with him now, all she will remember is the harmful memories, where if he is still around and getting better, she can remember happier times.

I hate the fact that he is still around. I hate the fact that she exchanges Christmas presents with him. I hate the fact that if her family has an engagement with him and my aunt invites us over, she honors the commitment to him. Maybe my thinking of forgiveness is flawed. Maybe I say I’m capable of forgiving, but I always want the wrongdoer to be a second-class person who is an absolute last priority, and feels like dirt for what he did. I don’t know. I have had talks with God where I ask Him to change me any way I should be changed - but I keep feeling resentful because no one ever asked me if I wanted this guy around, and I don’t. I hope he gets whatever healing he needs, I hope he lives a long, healthy and happy life, I hope he’s surrounded by people who he loves and who love him – but I want him to do it as far as possible from me and my family.

 

[Irishmom2]

What happened to you wife was terrible. But it happened to her and not you. And she has finally found a way to deal with it. As she says, to cut him off would only leave her with harmful memories. I am glad she has found a way to cope.

I find it interesting that you can’t understand how an adult could do something like this without a gun to their head, and yet you say that you believe the man’s repentance is genuine.

It almost sounds to me that you believe the guy more than your wife. I am sure that is not your intention, and I hope that you have never expressed the “gun theory” to your wife. It is wrong, and it is hurtful.

I think that you are showing typical reaction to someone who has found out that a loved one, girlfirend or wife has been sexually abused. You feel powerless because you couldn’t prevent it. You feel anger that it happened. And now you are burdened with the knowledge of it, and you can’t seem to get past it when they have.

I really think that you should get some counseling for yourself. I think that they would be able to help you sort out your own feelings. In the long run, I think it would be a good thing for your marriage if you would do this. You will be able to move past it as your wife has.

Don’t let this come between you. May God bless you and guide you.

 

[Chantal25]

Why people think that being a good Catholic means to put up with abuse. He violated her trust, she owns him nothing. Her role is to forgive but forgiveness doesn’t mean that he is to be part of her life. I doubt that this man is changed. He has problem and unless he truly repent and pray, he will do this again and sadly to those innocent young children. This man isn’t to be trusted again. He is manipulative and clearly he knows how to take advantage of good people.

I would consult with a priest and counselor with her. If i was her, i would get this man out of this family, pray for him, forgive him but protect myself and the other children.

Pray for her and i truly understand your concern, something isn’t right!

 

[Loving_disciple]

Revenge is God’s only. It is written that if you have unforgivness in your heart then God will not forgive you of your sins. Pray that God turns your heart of stone into his heart because before God your sins are as bad as his. Everyone makes mistakes, God has forgiven this man so if Jesus whom you love forgives him what right do you have to think of him as less human. I am sorry if I am coming off as strong or rude but it is people with this thinking who crucified God. Love everyone as I have loved you. That was Jesus command to us that means we should be willing to die for one another

 

[Chantal25]

Revenge is God’s only.

Agreed but this situation isn’t about revenge but not exposing yourself to someone addiction that is armful to your soul. She cans make peace, forgive and pray for him from distance, in the mid time, she has no obligation to volunteer for such abuse or to trust him again.

Someone that allow himself/herself to cross the line in this matter, has no conscience or at least not strong enough to stop from doing this armful thing. Prayer is the only thing that can help. This condition is a serious illness in many ways. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you have to trust. You can accept that this person has a problem and not taking offense from his behavior but you don’t have to welcome him back in your life. I can guaranty, that unless God can intervene and help him with granting him a conscience, he will strike again because something else is in charge and it is pretty dark.

I pray for her to be protected in all ways and for those little children that are exposed to him.

 

[mommy_k]

Out of sight-out of mind. The guy needs to go. Then you all can forgive him in your heart. No need for constant reminders.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t quite understand how an adult can do something like this with someone who doesn’t have a gun to their head and still feel like they have no choice, but I try to tell myself that I don’t know what its like to be in her shoes, and I don’t blame her.

Yes, please keep telling yourself you do not know what it is to be in her shoes. That is why so many victims are abused. Non-victims don’t comprehend the mental pressure they are under, the fact the victim was taken off guard and the fact the aggressor is physically stronger. I can’t help but think the worse part of being a victim is the lack of compassion and the underlying message that your wife could have stopped it (which she could not)

However, I strongly agree with you, your wife should not go near this man. And I wonder about her mother who knows what happened but still lets him near the other children

If just goes to show how strong manipulation can be if your wife is still OK being near him. I think there is a little part in your wife subconscious that is hoping is from now on this man is good to her, it never did happen. Mind games are baffling

 

[Evania]

Do you have kids? Tell your wife that under NO circumstances are they to be around this surrogate father figure. I feel horrible for what happened to her, but forgiveness doesn’t entail exchanging Christmas gifts and having the guy hanging out at the house.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

With problematic people, my motto is forgive and forget.

Personally, I would not be dating this person, and this is the main reason why:

they had an inappropriate physical relationship, with at least one encounter happening when she and I were dating.

For me, that’s an automatic deal-killer.

In the chance it was forced, I would require this person to gone from her life; no discussion, end of story.

 

[jesuspsr]

Out of sight-out of mind. The guy needs to go. Then you all can forgive him in your heart. No need for constant reminders.

I agree with all staements like this. Because if I was to say what I thought of doing to this guy I would get thorwn out off CAF

Their’s a reason why people like this our in PC or are registered sex offenders.

Gee, I think I’ll go and pray for this guy, now.

My prayers go with you and your family.

 

[Evania]

Wait a minute! You said that if her family has an engagement with him, that she honors the commitment with the one who violated her over you (her husband) and your family’s engagements? This is just wrong. What a confusing message to everyone involved about who or what gets priority…