As a Catholic man I will say that the only information I would need is;
- Are you a virgin?
- Any information of a medical nature. If you have contracted any of the various STD’s?
- Are there any children?
- Are any of these men still in your life?
- Have you been to Confession?
- Are you now living chaste?
Information I do not need;
- Sexual details
- How good (or bad) any of these men were or are (in bed or out)
- Names
All other information is between you and God and should stay that way unless a definitive need to know arises.
That’s my view as well, although if the answer to the top question is “yes” some - if not most - of the other questions can most likely be predicted.
As was pointed out, everyone is different, and we live in a culture hostile to Catholic teaching on morality. Some guys, when they are young, don’t care about virginal status, only that they can “hold out” until the wedding night without being led astray (I know that was my attitude in my college years and soon after). Or, despite knowing that it is the right thing, they are embarassed because of the hostility of the culture and they have to live “underground”. But as they get older, one of two extremes can happen: they either get more desperate, or more picky. They also may have experienced a lot of rejection and lack of success and start wondering what good does it do to obey the rules if those that don’t get the rewards (whether that attitude is right or wrong can be the subject of a different discussion, but the fact is that, right or wrong, it is part of the human condition and must be worked with). That’s where a male (and I’m sure this applies to females too) starts feeling “cheated” because they are not getting back the same that they are giving, and thatthey want the wait to have been “worthwhile”. Take a lesson from the employment world: if you take the good people for granted, you risk losing the good people.
One must also realize the physical and psycholical differences in male vs. female wiring. For one thing, for males, the biggest part of the chastity battle is “holding it in”, so to speak, and in second place is resisting the peer pressure to “score”. I can’t vouch for females, but for males, staying a virgin is probably the hardest thing one can do (next to laying down you life physically), so I hope you can undewrstand how a male may feel insecure. Let’s face it, the battle does take its toll.
Additionally, as was pointed out by a female in another thread, the male drive more constant whereas the female drive is in cycles.
That being said, only you can read the guy as to the when and under what conditions it will be right to bring up the subject. You may want to have each other write down the answer(s) on a piece of paper (in case one may feel caught off-guard) and exchange it. I do honestly believe that BOTH sides need to be honest about it, and let the chips fall they may. (In my own life, the subject only came up once, and it was the girl who asked me!).
But I’m going to tell you something frank. Although confession will restore sanctifying grace, it does not wipe away the consequences of sin. It will not cure an STD or make you unpregnant. And despite what the “head in the clouds” romantics will say, it does NOT restore virginity. And you are going to have to accept that as a consequence. That’s part of growing up and taking responsibility for your actions (and not blaming it on God for not sending us the right person; WE choose who we marry; that’s in the Cathechism, albeit indirectly)… And if a male virgin cannot accept a female non-virgin, well, you are going to have to accept it as a consequence. It doesn’t always mean that he is mean and judgmental, but may not feel compatible and secure, and if you want males to not be judgmental to you for your past, you are going to have to do likewise if they feel cheated, incompatible, or insecure.
I also believe two other things:
- If the male is not a virgin himself, he has no right to expect a virgin wife. That’s hypocrisy plain and simple. The question they need to be asked is if they were truly repentatnt, why don’t they take a cue from the gospel story of Zaccheus the tax collector and defer to male virgins and remember the general rule of courtesy that it is impolite to go back for “second helpings” when others haven’t had thier first…
- It is also hypocritical for non-virgins to criticize virgins for wanting to be “equally yoked”, so to speak. I have seen threads here on CAF where some of the meanest, vile,and disgusting things were said to male virgins looking to be “equally yoked”, and one in particular where there was this one person who all but admitted to being a “hooker for Christ”, for lack of a better term.
