How much is too much?

[SarahR]

I would also consider how he acts when you are out in public. If you’re walking along, and it’s a quiet road, talking, laughing…will he lean over and give you a little smooch? There wouldn’t be a risk of it going too far if it was one of those happy little kisses.

 

[beckers]

First it sounds like your “love” language is touch. You feel that unless he is physically showing you that he loves you then there is something wrong. You need to learn that love comes in other ways too. Yes after marriage things will change and he needs to learn your love lanuages to fill your needs but just realize he is not always going to show you love in the physical.

Second, your BF sounds like a wonderful man. He is concerned about his and your soul. What a keeper! You need to think about him too. If he has told you that kissing leads to him wanting to do more than respect that. Men react different then women. He is telling you that it is easier to stay away from the apple then to take a bite and not eat the rest. RESPECT that. Stop making it all about you. Think about him because in marriage we are suppose to have sacrificial love! He is telling you his weakness.

I am myself am in a relationship (engaged) to a man who all we do is peck on the cheek. I am a too somewhat a “touch” person so it was hard for me in the beginning to understand and be able to read him because since he wasn’t holding my hands or kissing me then i thought he didn’t like me or there was something wrong with me. I was frustrated for awhile but then i learned to appreciate it because he was with me for me and not because he wanted my physically body only. It is very freeing feeling. Are relationship has grown so much and my love for him grows so so much. My friends think its odd but they are not us. It works for us because we support each other and wish to keep our relationship pure. I am so excited about becoming his wife and getting to share the marital embrace. I don’t want anything tainting that.

Now as for talking about sex. I think it is important to talk about. Heck my Fiance and I are having to have this discussion now. Your BF may have issues in believing that talking about it is sinful but remind him that the Church believes sex is beautiful and wonderful inside of marriage. hmm…maybe you should pick up “Good News about Sex and Marriage”. It will explain things that maybe he is having problems discussing with you and therefore you can bring it up when you have a better understanding were he is coming from.

 

[beckers]

Yeh, get a new boyfriend, that’s the solution to every relationship issue. Sorry, that’s just what I find on this forum. The first thing people suggest is breaking it off.

People’s opinions are made up of their past experiences. What she stated is red flags. Today too many people stay in relationship beyond when they should. Believe me. I just had two friends who called off their July marriage. They too looked past issues and swept them under the rug. Luckly they didn’t walk down the isle. It takes a lot of strength to end something.

If the OP is not statisfied with her BF and sex and physically intimacy is very important to her and not to him then yes maybe she should end the relationship and find someone else instead of staying in this relationship. Sounds like common sense to me.

 

[phil8888]

People’s opinions are made up of their past experiences. What she stated is red flags. Today too many people stay in relationship beyond when they should. Believe me. I just had two friends who called off their July marriage. They too looked past issues and swept them under the rug. Luckly they didn’t walk down the isle. It takes a lot of strength to end something.

If the OP is not statisfied with her BF and sex and physically intimacy is very important to her and not to him then yes maybe she should end the relationship and find someone else instead of staying in this relationship. Sounds like common sense to me.

and because most people these days don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage, divorce is a very common suggestion. I’m not saying to stay in every relationship, I’m saying I notice many people’s knee-jerk reaction on these forums is for the couple to break up. I think half the time that’s just a cop-out.

 

[19rebecca84]

I would be fine with a small wedding here on my island on a tiny little beach with just us and family, and he wants that, but he also wants big Catholic Church wedding in his home country with his huge family and all his friends (he has 6 brothers and sisters, his dad is the oldest of 8, etc) so we actually would like to have two.

He is one of those people who won’t do anything until all his ducks are in a row, and so no house downpayment, no wedding. At least, thats what he tells me. We also dont plan on using bc, so I think he doesnt want to get married until we know we could afford everything afterwards.

As for the quiet road situation…frankly…not really. It would be a small peck at most. That’s what upsets me. Its those small, innocent moments that can mean the whole world and make your heart flutter (without being sexual) that we don’t have, which I am missing. And that is what makes me cry at night. I truly think he is so afraid of sex that he has eliminated the value of these small things, and he doesn’t realize how much they actually do add up to the depth and intimacy of a relationship. And without talking about it (and the fact that he won’t do these small things), is why I’m here. Are these moments really so sinful? I think they are the essential beauty of love, and in no way shape or form sexual or wrong. So if he can so easily eliminate them from his life and from our relationship, how will we be afterwards?

 

[beckers]

and because most people these days don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage, divorce is a very common suggestion. I’m not saying to stay in every relationship, I’m saying I notice many people’s knee-jerk reaction on these forums is for the couple to break up. I think half the time that’s just a cop-out.

A cop out or someone actually tell you the hard truth?

When an poster ask for an opinion they are going to get opinions. We don’t know the whole situation so they can take all of our comments with a grain of salt. We can only go off what the poster says and the members own history. Normally if people are asking for advice they already know an answer and are looking for affirmation for their choice. They might get that or the might get something completely different.

I don’t think poster have been saying “drop him right now” but instead “you might want to think about moving on”. Those are two different things. One is a directive to take a certain action while the other is a suggestions to thinking and make a decision.

And yes i know all about the santity of marriage and is drop in society. I am child of divorce. The effects it had on me growing up still live with me. Deciding to love someone and trust that aren’t going to leave me is the hardest thing ever. And i know lots of people in my generation like that. And that is why it it is important to relaize that the sanctity of marriage starts when you first start dating. Not persuing relationship that aren’t good is one place to start. If you have a bad foundation you will have a bad marriage.

If the OP thinks that things are not going well for her or meeting her needs and he doesn’t communicate then maybe she shouldn’t be in the relationship. On the otherhand if she thinks he has wonderful qualities and she and him are willing to work on their relationship then it could work out. The key is do they both want the same thing and can they communicate. If you can’t communicate then don’t get married because things won’t get better simple because there is a ring on your finger.

 

[beckers]

I would be fine with a small wedding here on my island on a tiny little beach with just us and family, and he wants that, but he also wants big Catholic Church wedding in his home country with his huge family and all his friends (he has 6 brothers and sisters, his dad is the oldest of 8, etc) so we actually would like to have two.

He is one of those people who won’t do anything until all his ducks are in a row, and so no house downpayment, no wedding. At least, thats what he tells me. We also dont plan on using bc, so I think he doesnt want to get married until we know we could afford everything afterwards.

As for the quiet road situation…frankly…not really. It would be a small peck at most. That’s what upsets me. Its those small, innocent moments that can mean the whole world and make your heart flutter (without being sexual) that we don’t have, which I am missing. And that is what makes me cry at night. I truly think he is so afraid of sex that he has eliminated the value of these small things, and he doesn’t realize how much they actually do add up to the depth and intimacy of a relationship. And without talking about it (and the fact that he won’t do these small things), is why I’m here. Are these moments really so sinful? I think they are the essential beauty of love, and in no way shape or form sexual or wrong. So if he can so easily eliminate them from his life and from our relationship, how will we be afterwards?

I am not going to even touch the two ceremonies. Do some searches on these board to find out the answer to that question.

But i am confused. I took from the original post that you were living together and sexual activity and now he has completely pulled back especially since you don’t live together anymore. (Which is why i said you need to respect him if this was the avenue he went because he was sinning and now he isn’t.) But it seems that now your saying you really weren’t getting affication at all but pecks and now he doesn’t want to do that either??? Maybe i missed something.

My suggest is you copy and past this part into an email and send it to him.

“That’s what upsets me. Its those small, innocent moments that can mean the whole world and make your heart flutter (without being sexual) that we don’t have, which I am missing. And that is what makes me cry at night. I truly think he is so afraid of sex that he has eliminated the value of these small things, and he doesn’t realize how much they actually do add up to the depth and intimacy of a relationship.”

I don’t see anything wrong with a peck on the cheek or holding hands. Gestures of affication are okay.

It sounds more like he believes that the church thinks sex is dirty and sinful. Instead of understand the beauty. Nothing wrong with talking about it as long as you don’t go into details to arose each other. You both need to get the book “Good news about sex and marriage” or something along those lines and read it and discuss it. If you can’t talk about then were is the foundation to talk about your likes and dislikes once your married?

Sounds like he is ready for the pratical aspects of marriage such as money, were to live etc and you are more focused on the emotional aspects of marriage. You guys have got to get on the same page. You have some time though since you said your waiting for a few years. You might want to talk to a priest (even if your not catholic) to get some advice on how to talk to your BF.

 

[flyingfish]

and because most people these days don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage, divorce is a very common suggestion. I’m not saying to stay in every relationship, I’m saying I notice many people’s knee-jerk reaction on these forums is for the couple to break up. I think half the time that’s just a cop-out.

They are not married. She seems to be very unhappy in this relationship, crying all the time because of his lack of affection is a bad sign.

Okay, he’s Catholic so he can’t have sex, however nothing stops him from talking to her about it, going the extra mile to reassure her, doing more of the permissible things like innocent kissing and so on. He refuses to do this. He tells her “this is my religion, end of discussion”. It’s not his religion to refuse to talk about these issues with her, which are obviously a concern.

They live in different countries, he lives with his parents, he is unemployed and she supports him, he doesn’t want to marry her until he can buy a house. How long will it take for a guy who hasn’t had a job for a long time, lives with his parents, and is supported by his girlfriend to buy a house?!

He just doesn’t sound like a good candidate for a husband. If the OP is a desirable young woman, she might do a lot better getting over him and finding an affectionate man who will take care of her emotions, and frankly who will live in her country, have a good job and be capable of providing for her and so on.

She may love her boyfriend now, but it only takes time and meeting someone else to forget him. It would seem like that is in her best interest while she is still young and men are still available.