How much is too much?

[heidi_storage]

Posters on another thread described their resentment at having to shoulder too many domestic responsibilities when the posters were young. I’m curious to know what other people think is too much for a child; where’s the line between “inculcating a good work ethic and helping to contribute to one’s household” and “Dickensian maltreatment”? I imagine that there isn’t one answer for everyone, but would like to hear others’ perspectives.

 

[1ke]

My husband grew up on a farm, so no sympathy from this quarter from people who think they had too much to do around the house.

Boys and girls should be able to, and required to:

Do laundry by color and fabrics
Cook simple meals
Clean floors: vacuum, sweep, properly mop
Dust and properly clean furniture (I mean knowing what types of cleaners and implements to use on various surfaces so as not to damage them)
Clean bathrooms and kitchen appliances properly
Make beds and fold clothes
Take out trash
Mow, trim, edge, rake, and weed
Shovel snow and put down ice melt
Sew on a button and hem a pant leg

They should have age-appropriate assigned chores in addition to keeping their own room tidy and those chores should grow as they grow, and should NOT be paid.

So yeah, there you go.

Kids should also be able to change tires and drive a stick.

 

[Allegra]

Too much is when it interferes with the health, education, or well-being of the child.

 

[Irishmom2]

Kids should also be able to change tires and drive a stick.

“Kids” of driving age should know how to change a tire, but in 42 years of driving I have never needed to know how to drive a stick.

How much is too much depends on how old the child is. I would not be asking a 5 year old to do the same things as a 10 year old or a 15 year old.

While I agree that children need to know how to do certain cleaning, cooking etc., how often they are made to do them would also depend on different factors.

 

[angell1]

Posters on another thread described their resentment at having to shoulder too many domestic responsibilities when the posters were young. I’m curious to know what other people think is too much for a child; where’s the line between “inculcating a good work ethic and helping to contribute to one’s household” and “Dickensian maltreatment”? I imagine that there isn’t one answer for everyone, but would like to hear others’ perspectives.

depends on many things, location of where you live, weather, age of children.

before they reach adulthood though, children should ideally be instructed to be able to take care of themselves as far as basic necessities are concerned. how to cook, buy groceries, clean the hous, do dishes and laundry and whatever else may be relevant to the situation.

probably be best to start them doing at something simple when they are young and build from there. I don’t forsee good results of letting them play and then studdenly piling it on when they reach their teenage years

 

[bitterhope]

I think it varies on the lifestyle of the family. Kids in the country have more responsibilities than those in an apartment. Regardless of where they live, before they turn 16 or whenever they are getting their learners permit to drive, they all should be able to do the basics of “running a house” without assistance. They should know how to sweep, mop, iron, cook basic meals, simple sewing tasks, wash clothes, clean bathrooms, wash windows, that kind of stuff. Before they get their real drivers license they need to know how to plan a trip, read a map, change a tire and make emergency calls for help. Before they move out or go to college they need to know basic budgeting and grocery shopping. As long as kids are progressing towards functional adulthood than you are giving them the right amount of responsibility. If they are overwhelmed, back up and slow down for a little while. If they are eager for more, trust that they truly are ready and hand it to them.

I think it is normally more harmful for children to be given too few responsibilities or to be either coddled or neglected than it is to give them a little too much. My older kids are all working part time or in college and they’ve all thanked me for making sure they weren’t like coworkers and fellow cadets that can’t sweep/mop a floor, do dishes, do laundry, and other simple tasks.

 

[Anglewannabe]

It depends on a lot of things. If a teenager is expected to have a part-time job, then I don’t think they should have to do as much around the house.

If the thread you are referring to was about older kids taking care of younger kids. That is a different story. Older kids could see the younger ones as pest and come to resent them

 

[Elena321]

I think the line depends partly on the parents intent.
Parents will know within themselves whether their intent is to instill responsibility in the child or whether it is rather to have a “mini slave worker”.
How much is too much will depend,like the other posters have stated,on the child’s age and there should be a balance between responsibility/work and play.
Communicating gently with the child that you are teaching them about having a good work ethic and about responsibility instead of “barking out orders” should hopefully help to avoid resentful feelings.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

2 guys joined the Army. They are at Puckapunyal in basic training.

One guy writes home…

Its great here, the only chores we have to do before Breakfast are making our beds , cleaning up, packing a survival pack and going for a 10k run.

I love this place!

 

[Anglewannabe]

I think the line depends partly on the parents intent.
Parents will know within themselves whether their intent is to instill responsibility in the child or whether it is rather to have a “mini slave worker”…

This reminds me of a time I ** though **my mom was trying to teach me a lesson in being a good host. She was getting a snack ready for a special visitor that would be coming later. She told me ‘No one likes to go through other people’s cupboard so we will leave everything out on the table for him.’ She even filled the kettle with water so the guest wouldn’t have to.

That ‘guest’ that we were expecting to come later was Santa

 

[heidi_storage]

So from the other thread, three factors seem to make children’s work an excessive burden:

1. Inappropriate level of responsibility/caring for younger children
2. Neglect, incapacity, or abuse by the parent(s)
3. General family dysfunction

Would you agree?

 

[Allegra]

I do think it’s easy for parents to rely too much on older kids to care for the younger kids, without compensation. I had to watch my younger siblings a lot, to the extent that I was not allowed to participate in certain activities and clubs after school. My parents realized that that situation was not reasonable and so they found a different pre-school for my youngest brother that didn’t require such an early pick up time. (and cost them the same amount) However, I when I was expected to watch the same brother all summer, it was understood that the money they were saving on childcare was what was going to be used to pay for my sister and my music lessons when the school year started. I think it’s a good idea for parents to frequently evaluate whether being their siblings’ main childcare is interfering with other activities that teenagers are supposed to be doing. Sadly, I’m actually known parents who pulled tweens out of school on the pretense of homeschooling, so they could be perpetual babysitters for younger siblings. I know home ec is a subject, but come on!

 

[WilliamE]

My husband grew up on a farm, so no sympathy from this quarter from people who think they had too much to do around the house.

Boys and girls should be able to, and required to:

Do laundry by color and fabrics
Cook simple meals
Clean floors: vacuum, sweep, properly mop
Dust and properly clean furniture (I mean knowing what types of cleaners and implements to use on various surfaces so as not to damage them)
Clean bathrooms and kitchen appliances properly
Make beds and fold clothes
Take out trash
Mow, trim, edge, rake, and weed
Shovel snow and put down ice melt
Sew on a button and hem a pant leg

They should have age-appropriate assigned chores in addition to keeping their own room tidy and those chores should grow as they grow, and should NOT be paid.

So yeah, there you go.

Kids should also be able to change tires and drive a stick.

Preach it Grandma. Whippersnappers these days…bunch of shiftless layabouts.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is not a good thing for children to be over-scheduled, either with work or with activities they like, because unstructured time is a valuable part of childhood. It is good for the brain, it is good for the soul. The truth is that even adults need that. If that weren’t true, would the Trappists have a period of free time built into their day? I don’t think so.

As for the responsibilities, the damaging thing is when children aren’t just required to work but required to take on the responsibilities that rightly belong to their parents or adult guardians. The children of alcoholics often suffer from this, from knowing that if they don’t do what needs to be done without being told to do it, there won’t be food in the house, there won’t be clothes to wear, the children won’t get to school, and so on. That is much different than Mom telling you to get up and work under her direction in the house or Dad expecting you to spend the day toiling with him on a maintenance project. Children might complain about that when they see their friends don’t have to work that hard, but it is not harmful for them to spend a day working provided that they also get free time, too.

Likewise, the children might want to be signed up for every activitiy under the sun, but it is the parents’ duty to see that they get some time that isn’t pre-planned for them. The parents should be watching to see if the child is taking on too much and neglecting free time and social time. Their chores shouldn’t keep them from school work and other parts of a balanced life. That does not mean that every time a child complains about homework or chores that they are doing too much, but that it is the parent’s job to keep tabs on whether the child’s use of time has a healthy balance to it overall.

 

[PhiloMed]

Posters on another thread described their resentment at having to shoulder too many domestic responsibilities when the posters were young. I’m curious to know what other people think is too much for a child; where’s the line between “inculcating a good work ethic and helping to contribute to one’s household” and “Dickensian maltreatment”? I imagine that there isn’t one answer for everyone, but would like to hear others’ perspectives.

I’m not sure which thread you are referring to, but a general theme I’ve seen on CAF is that some posters were given heavy responsibility to care for younger siblings. This was either due to total family dysfunction or just having many children with overwhelmed parents.

I don’t think anyone is really bothered by having to take out the trash, make your own bed, tidy your room, maybe help with other household chores. At least not in retrospect. To an 8 year old, making one’s own bed might seem like something directly out of Annie.

The problem seems to arise when one is not only doing their own chores but also caring for another small human. Sure it might be fun to feed and diaper little sister or brother. That becomes much less fun when you are being told you can’t go out with your friends or go to an activity because you have to stay with them even after you did all the other “chores”. Now you’ve become free babysitting.

 

[AClaire11]

My husband grew up on a farm, so no sympathy from this quarter from people who think they had too much to do around the house.

Boys and girls should be able to, and required to:

Do laundry by color and fabrics
Cook simple meals
Clean floors: vacuum, sweep, properly mop
Dust and properly clean furniture (I mean knowing what types of cleaners and implements to use on various surfaces so as not to damage them)
Clean bathrooms and kitchen appliances properly
Make beds and fold clothes
Take out trash
Mow, trim, edge, rake, and weed
Shovel snow and put down ice melt
Sew on a button and hem a pant leg

They should have age-appropriate assigned chores in addition to keeping their own room tidy and those chores should grow as they grow, and should NOT be paid.

So yeah, there you go.

Kids should also be able to change tires and drive a stick.

Yikes. I’m an adult and have never had to do several of those things. I’m pretty sure almost no one in my hometown mows their own lawn, actually, let alone trimming and edging (not even sure what that is).

 

[pensmama87]

My husband grew up on a farm, so no sympathy from this quarter from people who think they had too much to do around the house.

Boys and girls should be able to, and required to:

Do laundry by color and fabrics
Cook simple meals
Clean floors: vacuum, sweep, properly mop
Dust and properly clean furniture (I mean knowing what types of cleaners and implements to use on various surfaces so as not to damage them)
Clean bathrooms and kitchen appliances properly
Make beds and fold clothes
Take out trash
Mow, trim, edge, rake, and weed
Shovel snow and put down ice melt
Sew on a button and hem a pant leg

They should have age-appropriate assigned chores in addition to keeping their own room tidy and those chores should grow as they grow, and should NOT be paid.

So yeah, there you go.

Kids should also be able to change tires and drive a stick.

I think it’s a kindness, really, to teach children to be able to do these things.

I knew a lot more than many people did when I left home, but I still didn’t know how to do many. I’ve since caught up, but it would have been a lot easier to learn before I had toddlers.

I would add childcare in some capacity to this list, but not extensive (maybe one evening a week at most, with some kind of compensation - either paying directly for it or in exchange for some other thing.)

My almost-six year old can already fetch his own breakfast and he knows how to do basic laundry including folding and putting away. He can sweep, vacuum, and dust. He knows how to wipe down sinks and counters. He can tidy up his toys and other belongings, which my almost-four year old can also do. I don’t think this is a grave injustice, just teaching them to do their parts to have a smoothly running household. My kids also spend way more time playing, crafting, reading, and having fun than they do on housework (maybe a 90/10 split in favor of playtime ) but they are still learning these important things.

 

[pensmama87]

Yikes. I’m an adult and have never had to do several of those things. I’m pretty sure almost no one in my hometown mows their own lawn, actually, let alone trimming and edging (not even sure what that is).

Trimming would be like pruning your hedges or trees. Edging is that nice effect you can get on a lawn around flower beds or against a driveway or sidewalk - rather than grass “bleeding” into those areas, you get a nice sharp contrast.

I think sometimes a lot depends on where you live, too. In an urban environment there isn’t an opportunity to learn a lot of those skills, nor is it particularly necessary. But if you live in a suburban or rural place, especially if you don’t have a lot of money, you do it yourself.

 

[AClaire11]

Trimming would be like pruning your hedges or trees. Edging is that nice effect you can get on a lawn around flower beds or against a driveway or sidewalk - rather than grass “bleeding” into those areas, you get a nice sharp contrast.

I think sometimes a lot depends on where you live, too. In an urban environment there isn’t an opportunity to learn a lot of those skills, nor is it particularly necessary. But if you live in a suburban or rural place, especially if you don’t have a lot of money, you do it yourself.

OK I knew what trimming was, but not edging. I did grow up in the suburbs, but it seemed like everyone hired people to do the raking and mowing.

I think those are definitely all useful skills to have, depending on your region (shoveling snow is probably not an issue in Texas), but the tone of the post really caught me off guard, I guess. I did chores and got a small allowance, but the main focus was doing well in school and extracurricular activities. I think there’s a difference between expecting their room to be neat and for them to help out with a few chores and basically giving them all the responsibility of keeping the house clean. I was basically an only child (two much older half siblings) and doing all those things around our house would have taken ages. Especially if I also needed a job because my parents refused to give me an allowance. Children need to learn responsibility, but they also need to have a childhood!

 

[EasterJoy]

Children need to learn responsibility, but they also need to have a childhood!

Everyone, whether adult or child, needs a certain amount of unstructured time and social time. A child should ideally not be given responsibilities beyond their years. That is very true.

In a family afflicted by poverty or some other dire situation, however, every member of the family may have to go without what would normally be considered a need. It is not an abuse for a parent to lay more than the ideal amount of responsibility on an older child when the alternative is a scarcity of food for all, not if the parent truly has no other alternatives. Sometimes these things cannot be helped.

As for the matter of “just free babysitting,” I don’t think it is an abuse for childcare to be among the chores of a child old enough to babysit outside the family for money. Whatever a child could do to make money outside the home is fair game for chores inside the home, provided the division of labor is fair and honors the greater need that even an older child has for unstructured time than an adult has (just as a child has a more urgent need for quality physical nourishment during the time of development than an adult has).

Some families cannot give their children all the opportunities they’d ideally like to give them and cannot allow the amount of free time they’d like. The constraints of true poverty do not constitute an abuse by the parents.