How much is too much?

[bitterhope]

Everyone, whether adult or child, needs a certain amount of unstructured time and social time. A child should ideally not be given responsibilities beyond their years. That is very true.

In a family afflicted by poverty or some other dire situation, however, every member of the family may have to go without what would normally be considered a need. It is not an abuse for a parent to lay more than the ideal amount of responsibility on an older child when the alternative is a scarcity of food for all, not if the parent truly has no other alternatives. Sometimes these things cannot be helped.

As for the matter of “just free babysitting,” I don’t think it is an abuse for childcare to be among the chores of a child old enough to babysit outside the family for money. Whatever a child could do to make money outside the home is fair game for chores inside the home, provided the division of labor is fair and honors the greater need that even an older child has for unstructured time than an adult has (just as a child has a more urgent need for quality physical nourishment during the time of development than an adult has).

Some families cannot give their children all the opportunities they’d ideally like to give them and cannot allow the amount of free time they’d like. The constraints of true poverty do not constitute an abuse by the parents.

I agree. I also want to mention that kids have more free time in actuality than it may appear on paper. My kids play most of the day outside WHILE doing chores. My 7 year old pretends to be fighting enemy soldiers while he collects eggs. My 4 year old gives stitches to an invisible car wreck victim while she sews on buttons. Most chores don’t need to be done daily so when it’s time to clean the van or mow the grass they aren’t missing much. It’s a few minutes to a couple hours once a week or so for most big chores. The everyday stuff can be completed in 45 minutes at the most. That leaves several hours for school, activities, appts, visiting friends and unstructured time or hobbies. As for childcare, maybe it depends how it’s presented. I loved being home alone with my younger siblings and never thought it was hard. I felt big once I was old enough! It was awesome. My kids feel the same way. Most people I know it was similar. but we weren’t expected to raise each other and ourselves. It was a privilege based on age and responsibility so we saw it as a sign of being trusted. Also, we work along side our kids instead of insisting that they carry the entire burden themselves.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree. I also want to mention that kids have more free time in actuality than it may appear on paper. My kids play most of the day outside WHILE doing chores. My 7 year old pretends to be fighting enemy soldiers while he collects eggs. My 4 year old gives stitches to an invisible car wreck victim while she sews on buttons. Most chores don’t need to be done daily so when it’s time to clean the van or mow the grass they aren’t missing much. It’s a few minutes to a couple hours once a week or so for most big chores. The everyday stuff can be completed in 45 minutes at the most. That leaves several hours for school, activities, appts, visiting friends and unstructured time or hobbies. As for childcare, maybe it depends how it’s presented. I loved being home alone with my younger siblings and never thought it was hard. I felt big once I was old enough! It was awesome. My kids feel the same way. Most people I know it was similar. but we weren’t expected to raise each other and ourselves. It was a privilege based on age and responsibility so we saw it as a sign of being trusted. Also, we work along side our kids instead of insisting that they carry the entire burden themselves.

This is key. Many of the people who feel they were damaged by childhood responsibilities have told me that it was the loneliness, the fear of failing, the recriminations when they didn’t do things like an adult would do it, the scars of having to handle a situation that was way beyond them that did the most damage. (That and the abuse of trust and insecurity that addiction and alcoholism brings with them.) Those things are quite different than belonging to a family that gives the identity “we’re from a hard-working family, and everyone pitches in.”

 

[Norseman82]

When my grandmother was at the hospital delivering my dad’s younger sister, his older sister, who was about 12, was taking care of the kids and was cooking. Unfortunately, a fire started, and she died. The newspaper headlined the story “Sister dies as sister born”.

 

[Elena321]

So from the other thread, three factors seem to make children’s work an excessive burden:

1. Inappropriate level of responsibility/caring for younger children
2. Neglect, incapacity, or abuse by the parent(s)
3. General family dysfunction

Would you agree?

Yes.
In these cases a child is expected to take a parent role,have worry or burdens and is robbed of their childhood.

The other extreme on the opposite end is when parents raise their children to not have any responsibilities and don’t instill a work ethic.
There’s sometimes mention of after school activities (piano lessons,martial arts lessons etc) like as if they are an entitlement/given,but in many poorer or middle class families parents cannot afford these things and the kids are well adjusted.
My parents were not able to afford after school piano lessons etc for us and they certainly didn’t receive this themselves in poverty war affected Eastern Europe when they were children.
These are good things if families can afford it,but I don’t think children should be expecting of this as being a “natural part of teenagehood”.

 

[Chantal25]

I come from a family where there were no age. I started doing dishes at 6 and started doing some basic cooking at 8. Where my sister at 14 she was sill not doing anything to help around the house.

I don’t feel that my childhood was robed. I think it was exciting for me to get involved.

We shouldn’t over protect our children when it regards doing tours but protect them instead from distraction such electronic high tech device which rob them or prevent them to go outside and play. I think that getting them to participate in tours will help them to be prepare in life. It develops their independence, initiative, responsibility, confidence and skills.

All children are different. I think if we can get them to have a routine and not go into battle because they want to watch TV or doing video game or anything electronics, it would be a way to give them skills and to find balance with these interests.

Our faith and responsibilities should never come last. It will help them to keep their jobs later in life and do good with their career and their faith.

I think this advice below is a good guideline.

Too much is when it interferes with the health, education, or well-being of the child.

God Bless!

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Growing up, I didn’t have to do any chores other than keep my room clean.

My mother did all the indoor chores and my dad did all the outside chores. I wanted to learn how to cook, but my mother refused to teach me. I am self-taught on a number of things and/or I have learned from someone else/asked questions of someone else, etc.

On occasion, we would ask my dad if we could help rake the leaves and we would get money for doing it.

As I got into my young adult years, I volunteered to dust the house and also vacuumed on occasion.

Looking back, I believe my parents wanted everything to be done a certain way, so they wanted the control and they did it themselves.

I believe that it is too much if it interferes with the child’s school work, health or well-being.

 

[EasterJoy]

Growing up, I didn’t have to do any chores other than keep my room clean.

My mother did all the indoor chores and my dad did all the outside chores. I wanted to learn how to cook, but my mother refused to teach me. I am self-taught on a number of things and/or I have learned from someone else/asked questions of someone else, etc.

On occasion, we would ask my dad if we could help rake the leaves and we would get money for doing it.

As I got into my young adult years, I volunteered to dust the house and also vacuumed on occasion.

Looking back, I believe my parents wanted everything to be done a certain way, so they wanted the control and they did it themselves.

I believe that it is too much if it interferes with the child’s school work, health or well-being.

To refuse to teach your child to do routine household upkeep or to fail to give such essential skills such as making at least minor household repairs, grocery shopping and basic food preparation borders on neglect. You never really know until you do it yourself, but a young adult ought to leave home with a reasonably good appreciation of what it takes to run a small household.

One of the major–if not the major!–spiritual benefits of marrying and having children is the necessity of giving up all inordinate desire to have “everything done in a certain way.” I could put an LOL on that, but unfortunately some of us are deadly serious when it comes to avoiding that necessity.

Another major area in the education of young adults preparing to leave home that is often neglected is their financial education. Schools do not teach it, and there is a *lot *to know. Parents too often spend all their energy getting their children into the “best” colleges without teaching them how to manage whatever salary they will make and whatever debt they’ll have to pay off when they graduate. There are many financial tragedies walking around because of neglect in this area.

 

[CradleJourney]

Call me crazy, but for what it’s worth, I’ve found 50% rule to be a good general guide for our kids - chores should equal about 50% of the time of commitments (sports/scouts/social outings) and homework should equal about 50% of that.

We’re on spring break right now, teen has football conditioning - so he leaves on his bike about 9am and gets back at 12:30 (mostly working out, some hanging / talking with the guys) - so that’s 3.5 hours. That means I’d expect him to do about 2 hours of chores and spend an hour working on project coming up in English. Rest of the day is teasing sibs, playing video games, snoozing, or whatever he comes up with.

During school week’s the schedules tight so while there might not be time for chores during the week, he’ll get an appropriate amount on the weekend.

Now this is just a concept that works for us as a rough guide - he’s a mostly straight A student with a study hall and is mostly self-motivated - so mainly I just have to make sure he doesn’t use “homework” as an excuse to get out of chores because, frankly, having had older kids, I’ve learned that making them learn time management on homework is crucial to surviving the upcoming AP and college classes. You simply cannot allow homework to take however long it takes or else you never have time to get it done.

On the other hand, allow homework to drag on is an excellent way of trying to get out of dishes. My explanation to him was that if he didn’t have time for all 3 (chores, commitments, homework) then he could cut down the commitments If he wants to keep football, he has to make it all fit.

Of course, like I said - it’s a rough guide. I don’t stand over him daily and measure it all out - but it’s a nice reference when he gives me the sad eyes about having too much to do (maybe he does and so something has to be adjusted) or when he’s napping and I’m wondering if he’s doing his share. Either way I just do a quick mental calculation and know if things are still in balance or if something’s going on.

Again - this is for my teen/pre-teen kids. Obviously younger ones would be different.

 

[JanetF]

Think of it this way: You want your kiddo to be able to contribute to society by the time they are ready to move out, so they should be able to share, clean up after themselves, cook simple healthy meals, do their laundry, and take responsibility for their actions, etc.

Toddlers love to help mommy and daddy, so let them help fold laundry etc, but when they get distracted by wanting to play with their toys let them,

Following that path, by 5 year old, the child is in the habit of helping mommy and daddy and once school starts should have some easy chores assigned to them to be completed before they are allowed to play. Emptying the dishwasher was my daughter’s chore. She was given a dog for Christmas that year with the understanding that she would be in charge of making sure he had food/water in his bowls.

Add chores as you feel they are capable. I lightened the chore load during school months because school’s important! During the summer months after she started middle school years my daughter was in charge of laundry.

When they start driving, they need to know how to take care of the vehicle they are using even if they don’t own it, so basic maintenance skills, oil change, tire change, etc are good ideas. My daughter is a Freshman in college and knows to check all the fluids and tire pressure before she makes the 5.5 hour trip home because Dad (the mechanic) took the time to go over these things with her when she got her license.

IMHO, the goal is to find a balance between being a contributing member of the family and being a kid allowed to play.

Additionally, I don’t believe in tying an allowance to chores. Household chores should be done because they are a member of the family and everyone in the family does their share to contribute to the household running smoothly. The purpose of an allowance should be to teach them how to manage money, and so they have the ability to indulge themselves a little. I started giving a weekly allowance when my daughter was in first grade ($1) which increased each year. She used to tease me her senior year of HS when I handed her $12. With the allowance, she had to contribute to the children’s collection at church a certain amount (10%), and she had to put 1/2 in her piggy bank. The balance she was able to spend as she chose.

 

[Lea101]

The chores I personally did when I was little seem reasonable.

When I was old enough to walk around, I was expected to keep back my toys and put my clothes back into my wardrobe.

When I was tall enough to reach the sink, I was expected to wash my dishes as well as others if they are in the sink. Also expected to clean tables.

When I was ten-ish, I also had to do my own laundry and hang them up, sweep the floor, mop it and iron my clothes (and change my sister’s diapers,)

You get the idea. My family lives in an apartment in a city-wide area so there is no lawn or plants we were responsible for…

And also doing our chores hardly take up much time unless we were all spring cleaning for Christmas or something. our day to day chores was basically ourselves is more or less cleaning up after ourselves. We turned out fine, and I’m coming from a strict Indian family!

 

[AClaire11]

The chores I personally did when I was little seem reasonable.

When I was old enough to walk around, I was expected to keep back my toys and put my clothes back into my wardrobe.

When I was tall enough to reach the sink, I was expected to wash my dishes as well as others if they are in the sink. Also expected to clean tables.

When I was ten-ish, I also had to do my own laundry and hang them up, sweep the floor, mop it and iron my clothes (and change my sister’s diapers,)

You get the idea. My family lives in an apartment in a city-wide area so there is no lawn or plants we were responsible for…

And also doing our chores hardly take up much time unless we were all spring cleaning for Christmas or something. our day to day chores was basically ourselves is more or less cleaning up after ourselves. We turned out fine, and I’m coming from a strict Indian family!

Yeah, I can’t imagine finding enough chores to make a kid spend 2 hours a day on them! What you listed sounds very age appropriate and reasonable. Though my daughter is a very early walker and not old enough to learn how to fold clothes just yet!

 

[CradleJourney]

Yeah, I can’t imagine finding enough chores to make a kid spend 2 hours a day on them! What you listed sounds very age appropriate and reasonable. Though my daughter is a very early walker and not old enough to learn how to fold clothes just yet!

It’s not unusual on a non-school day for the kids to spend 2 hours on chores - simply because they choose too (again teens/pre-teens) - first they have to find the right music to listen to, then find a sibling to listen to it because it’s “so good!”, then argue for 10 min while sibling disagrees, usually another sibling will interrupt at this point to chide them to get started and first two will then unite in a tickle fight against oldest … about 20 minutes into “chore time” someone might finally turn on the water in the sink to fill the dishpan. Putting dishes in the dishpan will take a minimum of 10 minutes because other siblings will be called from their chores to gawk/gasp/debate what stain, food particle, or possible religious apparition has been detected on a dirty dish. This will lead to a spirited debate on chemistry, physics, and the role of optical phenomenon in the history of mankind. One will remember an illusion they saw on youtube. All will leave the kitchen to go watch youtube video. 40 minutes into chore time now, a parent will remind them they are supposed to be doing chores and cut the wifi. Blaming each other for it’s loss, meandering back to their assignments, and recueing their music will eat up another 10 minutes. The first dish might actually get washed by now. However, around four dishes in, the sight of soap bubbles will remind the child of another aspect of physics not previously discussed and they will head off to enlighten their sibs. Sibs will not take kindly to the interruption and another tickle fight will start. Someone will be mildly injured, offending party will apologize, and after some negotiation of damages, chores may spontaneous (or more likely at the reminder again by parent) will recommence. Dish water will now be cold and must be dumped and re-run allowing for breakdance practice in the kitchen while pan refills. Others will wander in, and competition will result. Eventually they will realize they only have 15 minutes left before chore deadline kicks in and all screens will be banned for the duration of the day. They will not make the deadline but will be working so industriously as it strikes, soft-hearted parent will grant them an extentsion.

Thus it can take 2 1/2 hours for a child to wash 3 pots, 8 cups/glasses, 6 plates, and an assortment of utensils, while another child managed to move the laundry, fold 2 loads of clothes and deliver them to the appropriate bedrooms and third child cleaned the lizard tank, wiped up the bathroom (some), and vaccummed one room.

#I’moutnumberedandIknowit
#heythestuffgetsdone(kindof)
#theystayoutoftroubleandgetallA’ssosomthing’sworking

On the other hand we also have a large wooded yard and in all fairness there are weekends when the kids do put in a solid 2-3 hours helping chop wood, rake leaves, gather walnuts, clean gutters, etc. and do the hard work diligently and steadily with parental accompaniment.

At this age also, there is literally nothing that needs done for home, yard, vehicle or financial maintenance that we aren’t teaching the kids. Even if we’re not the most efficient family for getting it done - they will got forth knowing the process even if they haven’t managed to learn to do it in a focused manner