A
ahollars
Guest
My wife and I have a serious problem with her mother and brother, and I don’t know what to do. Three months ago, Mom invited our oldest daughter to spend time with her while she went shopping for birthday gifts for two of our younger kids. Two hours somehow turned into six, and we had no way of reaching them. Her brother finally called and said they were on their way, but two hours later, nothing. We finally reached them at her house, where they were playing a board game. I had an errand to run, and my wife talked to them before they showed up. Our oldest was supposed to be right back, as she had chores to do. Not only did they disagree, but they admitted that they kept her all day because they believed we dump to much on her, and she deserved a break. Basically, she walked into our home and lied to us.
What happened next is way too long to chronicle here, but let’s just say her brother called back wanting an explanation, which led to him “saying everything that needed to be said, but no one else would say”, including calling me an absent, abusive father, calling my wife, his older sister, a negligent and unfit mother, and demanding we heed his advice, or accept his interference. All the while, he was cussing, swearing, berating, jumping to conclusions, and assigning blame. He also threatened to come over in person (they live right around the corner). I took the phone and explained as best I knew how. I did my best not to return to “Army mode” and constantly bit my tongue. Not once did I tell him something was none of his business, even though I easily could have hid behind that. We talked for an hour, and by the end, he apologized. I thought the issue had been diffused.
Next day, Mom came over with the gifts. Not once did she address what happened the night before. She was reserved, but nothing different. That evening we began to discuss everything that happened. Mom did not apologize, nor did she take anything back that was said. He apologized for his language and yelling, but not the content of what he said. Given his intelligence, I have every reason to assume he worded it that way on purpose. After that, there was no word.
Two weeks went by with absolutely no contact, then my wife and our oldest happened to run into her brother in public. He was mindful and acted accordingly, yet my wife was left feeling anger. Time had only made things even more worse. Again, after that, no word.
A month went by, and her brother invited us over for a get together as if everything was normal. We didn’t respond. We felt patronized, as if he wanted to pretend nothing happened. Again, after that, no word.
Two weeks ago, a text message. “How are you?” A question he already knows the answer to. Again after that, no word.
All this time, we have not heard from her mother.
There are two fact that I believe are related. My wife was raised by her father, and had no relationship with her mother or brothers until she was an adult. Our oldest daughter actually isn’t mine, but I have been in her life for the last 10 years. No one will ever dare say that I am not her father, but after his comments, I have to wonder what her brother really thinks.
This was not an isolated incident. Her brother has lashed out at me before, and was completely unjustified, in front of the rest of the family. Apparently he didn’t take note. Her mother has a long history of treating my wife different from her two sons that she did raise. Apparently she resents the idea that my wife turned out like her father, an idea that I appreciate completely.
My wife has always been the one to reach out. That will not happen this time.
Our children know what happened, and have not asked to see them since.
I have no intention of ever setting foot in her house again. My children will not be raised thinking that what they did to us was acceptable. My wife gets angry every time she thinks about it. She had a dream of calling her that lead to an argument. She will not speak to them unless they want to talk to her, and she will not do that as long as it feels patronizing.
I don’t know what to do. I will pray for them, but is that all I have to do? I cannot even bring myself to speak to them without getting angry. Until that day I thought our relationships were getting better, but reaching out now will only cause another fight, and do more damage than good. I am content to let them fade into memory, as is my wife, and our children, particularly our oldest, have moved on. Do we owe her a mother/child relationship? Because, according to her father, no, we don’t. I think I believe him. What do you think?
What happened next is way too long to chronicle here, but let’s just say her brother called back wanting an explanation, which led to him “saying everything that needed to be said, but no one else would say”, including calling me an absent, abusive father, calling my wife, his older sister, a negligent and unfit mother, and demanding we heed his advice, or accept his interference. All the while, he was cussing, swearing, berating, jumping to conclusions, and assigning blame. He also threatened to come over in person (they live right around the corner). I took the phone and explained as best I knew how. I did my best not to return to “Army mode” and constantly bit my tongue. Not once did I tell him something was none of his business, even though I easily could have hid behind that. We talked for an hour, and by the end, he apologized. I thought the issue had been diffused.
Next day, Mom came over with the gifts. Not once did she address what happened the night before. She was reserved, but nothing different. That evening we began to discuss everything that happened. Mom did not apologize, nor did she take anything back that was said. He apologized for his language and yelling, but not the content of what he said. Given his intelligence, I have every reason to assume he worded it that way on purpose. After that, there was no word.
Two weeks went by with absolutely no contact, then my wife and our oldest happened to run into her brother in public. He was mindful and acted accordingly, yet my wife was left feeling anger. Time had only made things even more worse. Again, after that, no word.
A month went by, and her brother invited us over for a get together as if everything was normal. We didn’t respond. We felt patronized, as if he wanted to pretend nothing happened. Again, after that, no word.
Two weeks ago, a text message. “How are you?” A question he already knows the answer to. Again after that, no word.
All this time, we have not heard from her mother.
There are two fact that I believe are related. My wife was raised by her father, and had no relationship with her mother or brothers until she was an adult. Our oldest daughter actually isn’t mine, but I have been in her life for the last 10 years. No one will ever dare say that I am not her father, but after his comments, I have to wonder what her brother really thinks.
This was not an isolated incident. Her brother has lashed out at me before, and was completely unjustified, in front of the rest of the family. Apparently he didn’t take note. Her mother has a long history of treating my wife different from her two sons that she did raise. Apparently she resents the idea that my wife turned out like her father, an idea that I appreciate completely.
My wife has always been the one to reach out. That will not happen this time.Our children know what happened, and have not asked to see them since.
I have no intention of ever setting foot in her house again. My children will not be raised thinking that what they did to us was acceptable. My wife gets angry every time she thinks about it. She had a dream of calling her that lead to an argument. She will not speak to them unless they want to talk to her, and she will not do that as long as it feels patronizing.
I don’t know what to do. I will pray for them, but is that all I have to do? I cannot even bring myself to speak to them without getting angry. Until that day I thought our relationships were getting better, but reaching out now will only cause another fight, and do more damage than good. I am content to let them fade into memory, as is my wife, and our children, particularly our oldest, have moved on. Do we owe her a mother/child relationship? Because, according to her father, no, we don’t. I think I believe him. What do you think?
