How much of a party?

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m_crane

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My niece is 19, unmarried, pregnant by a 17 year old boy just fresh out of juvenile jail, she has never held a job(well she got fired from her first job after a week very suspiciously) has no plans go to school or to work. She has a history of drinking, drug use and continues to smoke even though she has been told that the baby she is carrying may have a birth defect.

My question is this, of course we are going to have a baby shower, but her mother, a woman who has only played a very minor roll in her life, has proposed that we have what sounds to be a lavish party at a very expensive restaurant in center city. She is planning to foot the bill, I think? The people who actually did have a major roll in her upbringing were planning to have a small home party with just close friends and family and of course her mother and whoever her mother wanted to invite would be included in this event. I don’t have a problem with mom wanting to do something for her daughter but I think she is neglecting to recognize the serious state of her daughter’s situation. It feels like rewarding my niece’s bad behavior with a super duper extravagant baby shower.

Would you be comfortable with allowing her mother to do this or would you tell her thanks but we’ve got it covered.
 
You can’t stop the mom and there’s probably no point trying–it will only cause bad feeling. I’d only point out to her that people should only be invited to a maximum of one shower for the same blessed event. Also, traditionally, close family members do not throw showers, as it looks like gift-grabbing on behalf of your relative.

Of course, I expect this will roll off the mom’s back like water off a duck.

On second thought, I’d be very careful to ask in advance who is paying for the restaurant meal. It’s quite possible that the mom envisions having the guests pay for the meal that she is inviting them to, which is something that you probably should nip in the bud, as it will cause bad feelings toward your niece, even if it isn’t her fault. In that case, I would definitely encourage you to steer the mom in the direction of a home shower, which is in any case more expected and homey. A few cupcakes, a veggie tray, a few onesies or bibs hung up–all done!
 
It’s not your place to offer your opinions on the situation. I would go to the shower and bring her a nice gift. Try to set a loving example. You aren’t rewarding the girl’s bad choices…you are giving a gift to a needy baby.
 
I want to point out that a shower is not a reward for bad decisions or behavior, and no one would see it that way. I promise. No 19 year old would willingly give up all of the million possibilities open to them for their future in exchange for a party where they will get gifts for the crying, pooping, bundle of responsibility that they are about to have. Just like married 30-somethings don’t see it as a reward for making the decision to expand their families.
 
Blue Eyed Lady,

Let’s edit this:

“No 19 year in her right mind would willingly give up all of the million possibilities open to them for their future in exchange for a party where they will get gifts for the crying, pooping, bundle of responsibility that they are about to have.”

It does happen that teenagers have babies on purpose. This one, for instance, may subconsciously be trying to make up for the love and care that she did not get from her own mother. That’s a terrible plan and you know it and I know it, but she may not know it.
 
Two baby showers? What that little family really needs is a novena.

Don’t begrudge the girl any parties in her honor, no matter how many, who the host is, or how lavish the host elects to make the event. It is a kind gesture, and that will not hurt her. Concentrate on getting her the other things she needs.
 
Xantippe said:
Blue Eyed Lady,

Let’s edit this:

“No 19 year in her right mind would willingly give up all of the million possibilities open to them for their future in exchange for a party where they will get gifts for the crying, pooping, bundle of responsibility that they are about to have.”

It does happen that teenagers have babies on purpose. This one, for instance, may subconsciously be trying to make up for the love and care that she did not get from her own mother. That’s a terrible plan and you know it and I know it, but she may not know it.
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Yep, many teenagers actually attempt to have babies. But like you said it’s for the opportunity to experience the love and care that they didn’t get to, not for a 3 hour party where they unwrap onsies.
 
Pax2u said:
It’s not your place to offer your opinions on the situation. I would go to the shower and bring her a nice gift. Try to set a loving example. You aren’t rewarding the girl’s bad choices…you are giving a gift to a needy baby.
Click to expand...
👍
 
Pax2u said:
It’s not your place to offer your opinions on the situation. I would go to the shower and bring her a nice gift. Try to set a loving example. You aren’t rewarding the girl’s bad choices…you are giving a gift to a needy baby.
Click to expand...
I’m kinda the person who is responsible for the decision, me and her grandmother, so we where asked if this would be OK. It’s a little embarrassing to throw an lavish extravaganza for an unwed, drug using, niece who is doing nothing to help herself or the baby. Her grandmother who raised her and I, would rather have a quiet close family and friend party.

And this baby already has almost everything in the way of material things, crib, stroller, car seat, clothes etc. because the grandparents(my nieces parents) have bought it a already. I’m guessing welfare will provide after the baby is born because she is 19 and has no interest in looking for a job. This is more about support for her in the capacity of new motherhood and that we all take this seriously and want to show our support for the new life she is bringing into the world.

It’s about what is proper in this situation. Given her lack of interest in doing anything that would turn this situation into something that would be good for the her and the baby , it’s hard to celebrate her. It’s for her motherhood and the baby that we want to show support.
Please understand that she is out running the streets all night, smoking, possibly drinking and smoking marijuana, then coming home and sleeping all day, living off her grandmothers disability check and the money her parent give her. The nun that I sent her to at the crisis pregnancy center advised us to let her take responsibility for this and not to jump in and become primary care taker for her baby. To let her grow up. She needs some tough love, this is not just about the baby.

A quiet family baby shower just seems right. Her mom has been down the same road and have never taken responsibility for her four children, she dumped them as infants her first on from a different father went to her father then the next three went their father who then dumped them on his mother, their grandmother. I have tried to play a major roll in my nieces lives, spent most of my free time with them. So yes I have a say that’s why the mother asked
 
Unless you are forking over money for these showers, you really don’t have a say. If you are being asked to fork over money, you can refuse to open up your pocketbook.
 
BEL,

You know, this may be the one way this girl has of getting her mother to pay attention to her.

mcrane,

What an awful situation and what an awful example from her mother. This probably doesn’t make you feel better, but it doesn’t really matter what you do about the shower or showers. The shower or showers are really irrelevant to the situation. If you can talk the mom out of the restaurant thing, go ahead. From the showers I’ve been to, I think home is more comfy and better for informally circulating and celebrating.

“The nun that I sent her to at the crisis pregnancy center advised us to let her take responsibility for this and not to jump in and become primary care taker for her baby. To let her grow up. She needs some tough love, this is not just about the baby.”

To a certain point, yes, but then it does need to be about the baby.

It’s so sad that there’s such a strong tradition of chuck-the-baby-and-run in her immediate family. Heck, maybe she does need two big baby showers to get her to commit to her baby.
 
Sorry except for the first poster, you all seem way off the mark.

The girl isn’t in her right mind.

The mother, who is not in her life, not even in this part of the country, wants to fly here and throw an extravagant baby she however but is asking our consent.

We would prefer something less public and less fancy but the mother is welcome to throw the shower.

No there isn’t going to be two baby showers, we are just wanting to make this one less of a crazy flamboyant mess. The place she has chosen would require guests to dress up, pay for parking at downtown prices and probably feel that they should spend a lot on the presents because of the expense of the shower.

Many people invited probably will not make the effort because niece has burned many bridges. For the ones who make the effort, I would like to make them as comfortable as possible.

I think I will ask her mom if she would like to cater the shower and offer her my house.
 
m crane, would it be possible for you to have your shower (the smallish quiet one) and just let the mom do whatever she wants? Perhaps she is trying to make up for the fact that she has not had much to do in this girl’s life. I am not saying it is a good idea, but just that that is what she may be doing.

I would explain that you have a shower planned, and that she is welcome to attend. If as you say, she wants to foot the bill for her own shower, so be it. And if no one shows up for it, so be that as well. You are not obligated to attend, nor are you in charge of whether your neice goes to her mom’s offering.

Bless you for trying to “normalize” things in this girl’s life.
 
m_crane said:
.
Please understand that she is out running the streets all night, smoking, possibly drinking and smoking marijuana, then coming home and sleeping all day, living off her grandmothers disability check and the money her parent give her.
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Her grandmother needs to stop enabling her granddaughter to act this way. Letting her live in her home when she is obviously not living the right way is enabling her. Will the neice and the baby live with the grandmother? Soon the grandmother will be having to take care of both of them. Grandma has a kind heart, but this girl needs to get busy making some real plans with social services or her parents to take care of this baby. She is a baby that also needs to grow up.
 
Pax2u said:
It’s not your place to offer your opinions on the situation. I would go to the shower and bring her a nice gift. Try to set a loving example. You aren’t rewarding the girl’s bad choices…you are giving a gift to a needy baby.
Click to expand...
👍
 
mcrane wrote:

“The mother, who is not in her life, not even in this part of the country, wants to fly here and throw an extravagant baby she however but is asking our consent.”

“No there isn’t going to be two baby showers, we are just wanting to make this one less of a crazy flamboyant mess. The place she has chosen would require guests to dress up, pay for parking at downtown prices and probably feel that they should spend a lot on the presents because of the expense of the shower.”

Has the mom never been to a baby shower in her life? That’s ridiculous.

Could you sweet talk you niece’s mom into putting the money away for your niece’s education? It’s ridiculous to spend that kind of money for that kind of event for a teenager who is headed toward life as a welfare mom. I would certainly not pay for a bunch of courses up front, but one at a time (to see if she actually shows up and does the work) would be a very nice gesture. Even a few courses might make her much more employable.

“Many people invited probably will not make the effort because niece has burned many bridges. For the ones who make the effort, I would like to make them as comfortable as possible.”

Yes.

“I think I will ask her mom if she would like to cater the shower and offer her my house.”

Very sensible.
 
m_crane said:
I’m kinda the person who is responsible for the decision, me and her grandmother, so we where asked if this would be OK. It’s a little embarrassing to throw an lavish extravaganza for an unwed, drug using, niece who is doing nothing to help herself or the baby. Her grandmother who raised her and I, would rather have a quiet close family and friend party.

And this baby already has almost everything in the way of material things, crib, stroller, car seat, clothes etc. because the grandparents(my nieces parents) have bought it a already. I’m guessing welfare will provide after the baby is born because she is 19 and has no interest in looking for a job. This is more about support for her in the capacity of new motherhood and that we all take this seriously and want to show our support for the new life she is bringing into the world.

It’s about what is proper in this situation. Given her lack of interest in doing anything that would turn this situation into something that would be good for the her and the baby , it’s hard to celebrate her. It’s for her motherhood and the baby that we want to show support.
Please understand that she is out running the streets all night, smoking, possibly drinking and smoking marijuana, then coming home and sleeping all day, living off her grandmothers disability check and the money her parent give her. The nun that I sent her to at the crisis pregnancy center advised us to let her take responsibility for this and not to jump in and become primary care taker for her baby. To let her grow up. She needs some tough love, this is not just about the baby.

A quiet family baby shower just seems right. Her mom has been down the same road and have never taken responsibility for her four children, she dumped them as infants her first on from a different father went to her father then the next three went their father who then dumped them on his mother, their grandmother. I have tried to play a major roll in my nieces lives, spent most of my free time with them. So yes I have a say that’s why the mother asked
Click to expand...
The purpose of a baby shower is to help provide all those little things a baby needs; that is why mothers having their second or third or later children don’t get a shower every time. There is no need for this shower, then, and certainly no need to have it before the baby comes.

I have been to many baby showers held after the baby was born. Call off plans for the during-pregnancy parties and wait and see about having a party after the baby is born. At least the guests will get to see the baby that way. If the mother is being no mother at all, then just let it go. Otherwise, support her new motherhood by having the party at a time when everyone can fuss over the baby. Those first few months can be difficult, and she’ll probably profit from the bright spot around her new role. Instead of having them bring baby stuff, ask for casseroles for the freezer. Those will come in very handy!
 
Xantippe said:
mcrane wrote:

“The mother, who is not in her life, not even in this part of the country, wants to fly here and throw an extravagant baby she however but is asking our consent.”

“No there isn’t going to be two baby showers, we are just wanting to make this one less of a crazy flamboyant mess. The place she has chosen would require guests to dress up, pay for parking at downtown prices and probably feel that they should spend a lot on the presents because of the expense of the shower.”

Has the mom never been to a baby shower in her life? That’s ridiculous.

Could you sweet talk you niece’s mom into putting the money away for your niece’s education? It’s ridiculous to spend that kind of money for that kind of event for a teenager who is headed toward life as a welfare mom. I would certainly not pay for a bunch of courses up front, but one at a time (to see if she actually shows up and does the work) would be a very nice gesture. Even a few courses might make her much more employable.

“Many people invited probably will not make the effort because niece has burned many bridges. For the ones who make the effort, I would like to make them as comfortable as possible.”

Yes.

“I think I will ask her mom if she would like to cater the shower and offer her my house.”

Very sensible.
Click to expand...
Thanks Xantippe,

I think you understand. I’m not trying to compete with her mom. I’m just trying to avoid the gossip when people say things like what where they thinking to throw such a party for a girl who really needs other kind of help. They know what we’ve been threw with the niece. They are not happy with her mom or dad. They do not understand her mom.(mom is still a child herself) Apparently, her mom has some money to throw around. Unfortunately, we do not know where that money has come from. Her mother is very free with sexuality and has relationships with wealthy old men, so this too will set tongs wagging again.

The people who care would be very uncomfortable in this posh restaurant setting, many of our family have very limited funds themselves. On one hand I would love to let mom treat them to such a fancy luncheon but I think they would decline attending. A home party would be more their speed. As for mom’s guests it would be maybe 2 or 3 people, the rest is our family because that is who my niece grew up with. The guest list was already discussed and I’m comfortable lending my house to her for her party. She can go to town with some fancy caterers or whatever she wants. Now I just have to discuss this with her so that she doesn’t get hurt or upset. But a large no show at the shower will upset her more I am sure.
I would like to slip in the education idea if I can. I like your advice. Thanks so much.
 
I think that a tactful explanation that the norm in your social circle is for a shower at home and that the guests would be more comfortable with that setting, along with a mention of the inconvenience of a drive downtown and parking, as well as the fact that fewer people would attend because of that, might be the best way to steer the mother toward the shower you prefer.

I try not to ascribe base motives to seemingly good actions, but the cynic in me sees a town “bad girl” who wants to return home and flaunt her money to those who did not approve of her.
 
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