How Much Should an Age Difference Matter?

[AnolisSagrei]

There is a woman with whom I’m fairly well acquainted, who has maintained a friendship with a man who is, I believe, 12 or 13 years her senior. It was and is platonic, but she had told me today that she has feelings for him, but is unsure if it is wise to act upon them. Personally, and based on my and her interactions with this fellow, he is perfect for her. They get along splendidly and have a solid friendship and a lot of similarities, and he appears sweet, kind, and I know for a fact that he is very respectful of her and me. Additionally, he is quite devout. She is extremely mature in her thinking and comportment.

She asked my advice, seeing as I know him as well, and I told her I had to think about it. Honestly, I have never been in any sort of romantic relationship and I’m fairly bad at “reading” people. Looking at it objectively, in my opinion, he seems like someone who would make a worthy husband and father. It’s just the age difference some may object to. I don’t want to give their ages, but she is in her mid/late twenties.

My inclination is to just tell her that it’s worth a try, but that she might want to consider what saying something could do to change the dynamics of the friendship, especially if he doesn’t quite share her feelings. Maybe people here will have a better grasp of these things and can share their opinions.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

If he is the caliber of man you describe him as I wouldn’t worry about the age difference. Your friend is more than old enough to consent, and probably has had her own set of life experiences, I’m sure she has worked, done at least some college classes if not a degree. I think for many once you are past the early twenties age difference shouldn’t as much of a big deal if both parties considering the relationship are fine with it. I’m not just saying that as part of a relationship with a big age difference. I will say she should approach the conversation with caution because of her friendship with this gentleman.

He seems kind and even if he is not interested in being more than friends, I doubt he would stop the friendship as long as your friend felt she was able to continue being friends without things being awkward. I also think that while of course she is dating to discern marriage, to make sure she doesn’t focus too much on those things in the beginning of the courtship. Focus on getting to know this man better and also opening herself up to see if a deeper compatibility exist, if that is there things will likely lead naturally to a more serious relationship where marriage is discerned.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Context is important part of any answer to this question.
In this case with the information made available by the OP, the guy seems pretty good and the ages are not inappropriate. If the OP’s friend likes him, then go for it. He might need to be sent a hint or two. Good luck to them both.

 

[ClearWater]

There is a woman with whom I’m fairly well acquainted, who has maintained a friendship with a man who is, I believe, 12 or 13 years her senior. It was and is platonic, but she had told me today that she has feelings for him, but is unsure if it is wise to act upon them. Personally, and based on my and her interactions with this fellow, he is perfect for her. They get along splendidly and have a solid friendship and a lot of similarities, and he appears sweet, kind, and I know for a fact that he is very respectful of her and me. Additionally, he is quite devout. She is extremely mature in her thinking and comportment.

She asked my advice, seeing as I know him as well, and I told her I had to think about it. Honestly, I have never been in any sort of romantic relationship and I’m fairly bad at “reading” people. Looking at it objectively, in my opinion, he seems like someone who would make a worthy husband and father. It’s just the age difference some may object to. I don’t want to give their ages, but she is in her mid/late twenties.

My inclination is to just tell her that it’s worth a try, but that she might want to consider what saying something could do to change the dynamics of the friendship, especially if he doesn’t quite share her feelings. Maybe people here will have a better grasp of these things and can share their opinions.

The answer to age difference depends.

In the case you mentioned, I think it’d probably be fine. I have a niece who married a man about that much older. They seem like one of the best couples I’ve ever known, though I realize one never completely knows.

I also remember a true story of a man who was to retire many years ago. It was, I think, mandatory retirement at that job at age 65 y.o. Anyway, he was complaining and complaining.

At his retirement party, the worker pulled out his birth certificate, showed it to the boss, that he wasn’t 65 y.o., was actually 75 y.o.! Nobody knew the difference! So, he was complaining at retiring at age 75 y.o.!

So, I guess it depends on the person.

 

[cheezey]

Context is important part of any answer to this question.
In this case with the information made available by the OP, the guy seems pretty good and the ages are not inappropriate. If the OP’s friend likes him, then go for it. He might need to be sent a hint or two. Good luck to them both.

As a wise Salada tea bag tag once read,
“Age doesn’t matter unless you’re cheese.”

Seriously, this a “depends on the situation” and this sounds like a positive one.
As it was for my grandparents 83 years ago.

She was 31, he was 18.

 

[edwest2]

There is a woman with whom I’m fairly well acquainted, who has maintained a friendship with a man who is, I believe, 12 or 13 years her senior. It was and is platonic, but she had told me today that she has feelings for him, but is unsure if it is wise to act upon them. Personally, and based on my and her interactions with this fellow, he is perfect for her. They get along splendidly and have a solid friendship and a lot of similarities, and he appears sweet, kind, and I know for a fact that he is very respectful of her and me. Additionally, he is quite devout. She is extremely mature in her thinking and comportment.

She asked my advice, seeing as I know him as well, and I told her I had to think about it. Honestly, I have never been in any sort of romantic relationship and I’m fairly bad at “reading” people. Looking at it objectively, in my opinion, he seems like someone who would make a worthy husband and father. It’s just the age difference some may object to. I don’t want to give their ages, but she is in her mid/late twenties.

My inclination is to just tell her that it’s worth a try, but that she might want to consider what saying something could do to change the dynamics of the friendship, especially if he doesn’t quite share her feelings. Maybe people here will have a better grasp of these things and can share their opinions.

It might work. If they have a solid relationship then she needs to decide when to tell him. The only thoughts I have are the following:

1. It is better to marry someone who is within a few years of your age. That way, having experienced the same things growing up, there is an easier exchange of ideas and worldviews. Those who are 10 or so years older will have a slightly to greatly different view of the world. If they can both agree that that will not be an issue - good.
2. Women tend to live longer than men, but when she’s around 50, he’ll be in his 60’s, when health problems tend to arise.
3. Any children will also have to accept this.
4. Personally, I would prefer someone who is 4 to 5 years younger at most, and one year younger at best. Again, having lived through the same time period matters to me since, as married couples age, the past for each is about the same.
5. For the married people I know, most of their time is spent at work, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, maintaining the car(s) and dealing with illness and so on. Free time needs to be planned and if the two of them can enjoy each other’s company no matter what they’re doing, have interests in common, and know how to argue without hurting each other’s feelings in the process, then that’s a good basis for a marriage.
6. God needs to be part of their lives. If there are differences regarding specific religious matters, then those need to be cleared up.

Finally, talk to a priest.

God bless,
Ed

 

[lerapt78]

There is a woman with whom I’m fairly well acquainted, who has maintained a friendship with a man who is, I believe, 12 or 13 years her senior. It was and is platonic, but she had told me today that she has feelings for him, but is unsure if it is wise to act upon them. Personally, and based on my and her interactions with this fellow, he is perfect for her. They get along splendidly and have a solid friendship and a lot of similarities, and he appears sweet, kind, and I know for a fact that he is very respectful of her and me. Additionally, he is quite devout. She is extremely mature in her thinking and comportment.

She asked my advice, seeing as I know him as well, and I told her I had to think about it. Honestly, I have never been in any sort of romantic relationship and I’m fairly bad at “reading” people. Looking at it objectively, in my opinion, he seems like someone who would make a worthy husband and father. It’s just the age difference some may object to. I don’t want to give their ages, but she is in her mid/late twenties.

My inclination is to just tell her that it’s worth a try, but that she might want to consider what saying something could do to change the dynamics of the friendship, especially if he doesn’t quite share her feelings. Maybe people here will have a better grasp of these things and can share their opinions.

It seems like the bigger question to me here is not so much the age difference, but rather your friend’s worry over potentially “ruining” a good friendship by confessing romantic interest.

If she is certain she wants to pursue romance with this man, you might suggest that she “test the water” first instead of confessing her desire out of the blue, as it might make the relationship a bit uncomfortable going forward. Not to mention, it might put the gentleman in an awkward position if he never saw this coming.

She could make casual comments, such as “you’d make a great husband”, or “how come I never get asked out by guys like you??” in a light-hearted manner to see how he responds.

 

[Musician]

My husband is twelve years older than I am. We’ve been married for nearly thirty years. Our age difference has never been an issue.

 

[takers]

I think the younger someone is the more age matters. So a 14 year old and a 24 year old have zero business being together. But a 34 and 44 year old, no problem.

 

[mikekle]

After I got divorced (first and only time being married), I dated a 23 yr old, I was 35 at the time, we actually got along great, only HUGE difference was our taste in music, she liked rap mostly, but most people her age do, so I was not shocked about this, myself, Im into classic rock, Led Zepp, Van Halen, Rush, Boston, etc. I also like disco, but it worked out OK, we just had fun switching the car radio ALOT! LOL

I dont date her anymore, but we are still friends and talk frequently. I cant recall any times that the age difference was an issue though, her parent, even grandparents liked me, and they knew how much older I was.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

The answer is “it depends.” IMHO, just based on my own life experience (mine and others), a general rule is that the younger of the parties should be mid-20s+. That’s because once they reach that age, they’re out of college, generally worked a job for a few years, maybe have their own place, etc. Any younger and generally a 10 year difference is a gigantic difference on the basis of majority.

Once their past that age, it’s simply up to them.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Most things are worth a try, they may be a perfect match,
But the problem is not in the now,
But the problem could, and I emphasise the word ,could,
Become a problem in later years, when one is 65 and naturally slows down while the other
Is 50 and still wants to live life to the full…

 

[Irishmom2]

I think the younger someone is the more age matters. So a 14 year old and a 24 year old have zero business being together. But a 34 and 44 year old, no problem.

This, exactly. Btw, my dad was 12 years older than my mom.

 

[runningdude]

The answer is “it depends.” IMHO, just based on my own life experience (mine and others), a general rule is that the younger of the parties should be mid-20s+. That’s because once they reach that age, they’re out of college, generally worked a job for a few years, maybe have their own place, etc. Any younger and generally a 10 year difference is a gigantic difference on the basis of majority.

Once their past that age, it’s simply up to them.

I concur. At age 26, I could not fathom dating an 18 year old, who would likely still be dependent on her parents. At 36, I would not have the same issue dating a 28 year old.

 

[mikekle]

I have a feeling, eventually, this age thing will change again, look back thru history, it is only in modern times when age laws are in effect, in the past, it was common for people 12 and 13 to be married, sometimes to older men, but this was the norm, there wasnt anything disgusting about it, its just what people did.

Since history shows us it is always changing, I think eventually the whole age thing will change again, things never stay the same, so in another 75-100 yrs, people may be back to marrying the very young, you never know what the future holds, but it will definitely not be like current times, that is the only given.

Just as we laugh and joke about 12 yr olds getting married now, people living in 2114 will likely be joking about the people living in 2014 and some of the goofy laws they had, strange things that were law back then, etc.

 

[fin]

This varies from person to person. Some say that a huge age gap is gross etc. Some are okay with it. I have a cousin who had a boyfriend who’s more than ten years older than her. Her parents especially her mother didn’t like it. My aunt even asked my mom to convince my cousin to change her mind. My mom didn’t give any specific advice, but she did say that she can’t do much if the daughter was very insistent. She seemed to really love the guy. Since the parents couldn’t convince her otherwise, my cousin got married to the guy in 2011 and us relatives attended. So the whole thing was rather strained, but I guess you could say they’re okay now.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

“I don’t want to be a nurse, I don’t want to be a babysitter, I want someone to walk life with”-unknown

We should start relationships with the possibility of marriage in mind to be chaste.

Women live 12 years longer than men. Add a ten years to this and this marriage will be about 22 years of widowhood & 10 years of nursing. Assume this woman is 30 (most say 30 is mature enough) we can state that statistically, she will have the burdon of lonlyness equivalent to her current age. Ask yourself if a few years of pleasure can substation her through this statistical cross of widow in her fragile years?

I guess I have hung around the old ladies (mostly widows) at church long enough to see this pattern causing great financial, medical, psychological, & spiritual hardship. I even look to St Jospeh and get mad that he expired before Jesus took his ministry leaving BVM Mary a widow longer than she was probably married. So mad that Jesus didn’t have a earthly father to stand up for him during his trial & persecution. I know St Joseph is not free of OS as Mary, and this is a foretelling of Gods warnings … And I see The BCM Mary’s warnings on perusing an older man.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

“I don’t want to be a nurse, I don’t want to be a babysitter, I want someone to walk life with”-unknown

We should start relationships with the possibility of marriage in mind to be chaste.

Women live 12 years longer than men. Add a ten years to this and this marriage will be about 22 years of widowhood & 10 years of nursing. Assume this woman is 30 (most say 30 is mature enough) we can state that statistically, she will have the burdon of lonlyness equivalent to her current age. Ask yourself if a few years of pleasure can substation her through this statistical cross of widow in her fragile years?

I guess I have hung around the old ladies (mostly widows) at church long enough to see this pattern causing great financial, medical, psychological, & spiritual hardship. I even look to St Jospeh and get mad that he expired before Jesus took his ministry leaving BVM Mary a widow longer than she was probably married. So mad that Jesus didn’t have a earthly father to stand up for him during his trial & persecution. I know St Joseph is not free of OS as Mary, and this is a foretelling of Gods warnings … And I see The BCM Mary’s warnings on perusing an older man.

Ummm, we cannot predict what life will throw at us, people get sick and even die of illness or in accidents young, there is no guarantee in life or marriage. Even using our best math skills, we don’t know what will happen. I know people who are active and only semi retired in there 70’s, I also know perfectly healthy people in their 30’s who passed on and left young children and relatively new marriages behind. Thats not what the decision to marry should be based on.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Ummm, we cannot predict what life will throw at us, people get sick and even die of illness or in accidents young, there is no guarantee in life or marriage. Even using our best math skills, we don’t know what will happen. I know people who are active and only semi retired in there 70’s, I also know perfectly healthy people in their 30’s who passed on and left young children and relatively new marriages behind. Thats not what the decision to marry should be based on.

It should be a major consideration when planning for a life and hoping for the best. Sure, there are changes that keep us from the perfect life. We should base our hopes and dreams to have a marriage with someone we can share our whole lives. Our childreen have fifteen spiritual grandmothers. I was in many alter & rosary circles until one of these women I call my friend introduced me to a grandchild. I have been invited into their lives. I see how widows have hardships in finances, medical, and spiritual. This could all be equalized by women accepting marriage proposals of younger men (their age or younger).

I don’t see how an “upstanding, honerable man” would ask a woman to statistically put the woman he loves twilight years in such peril. It seems selfish to me.