How much should Christian mothers intervene in dating lives of children?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Tommy999
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

Tommy999

Guest
Hello, everyone. I am not Catholic but respect the Catholic perspective on practically everything and would like to get your take on the following:

My wife and I are Christians and we have two fine Christian sons, one in his mid 20’s and the other in his early 20’s. They both love God, attend church regularly, and treat others with respect and dignity (except each other once in a while, lol). Actually, they get along well for the most part. We have received many compliments about them over the years by others at school, church, and from friends and co-workers at their jobs.

The only source of contention between my wife and I regarding our sons is that my wife spends part of her time (almost like a hobby) trying to arrange meetings with nice Christian girls from among her circle of friends’ daughters and single Christian girls they know while I find my wife’s approach meddlesome.

I have told her that but she disagrees that she is meddling. She thinks she is just “helping” them since our sons both work long hours and don’t have much time for dating right now. They have nice jobs and are considered handsome young men by most people.

I feel we should just pray for our sons that God would arrange for the right person to come into their lives and let God (and my sons) do the rest.

Questions:
  1. How typical is it what my wife is doing?
  2. Is it appropriate?
  3. Should I just lighten up?
Your perspectives are much appreciated.
 
Tommy999 said:
Hello, everyone. I am not Catholic but respect the Catholic perspective on practically everything and would like to get your take on the following:

My wife and I are Christians and we have two fine Christian sons, one in his mid 20’s and the other in his early 20’s. They both love God, attend church regularly, and treat others with respect and dignity (except each other once in a while, lol). Actually, they get along well for the most part. We have received many compliments about them over the years by others at school, church, and from friends and co-workers at their jobs.

The only source of contention between my wife and I regarding our sons is that my wife spends part of her time (almost like a hobby) trying to arrange meetings with nice Christian girls from among her circle of friends’ daughters and single Christian girls they know while I find my wife’s approach meddlesome.

I have told her that but she disagrees that she is meddling. She thinks she is just “helping” them since our sons both work long hours and don’t have much time for dating right now. They have nice jobs and are considered handsome young men by most people.

I feel we should just pray for our sons that God would arrange for the right person to come into their lives and let God (and my sons) do the rest.

Questions:
  1. How typical is it what my wife is doing?
  2. Is it appropriate?
  3. Should I just lighten up?
Your perspectives are much appreciated.
Click to expand...
It depends how your sons feel about it.

I know for a fact that there are single CAF guys who would KILL to have their moms helping them like this.
 
Xantippe said:
It depends how your sons feel about it.

I know for a fact that there are single CAF guys who would KILL to have their moms helping them like this.
Click to expand...
Hi, Xantippe. I think my sons have mixed feelings about it if I had to answer that. One of them seems to go along with my wife’s help and is planning on meeting one of these girls soon that my wife has suggested for him while the other son seems to prefer meeting girls on his own but likes to look at the photos and Facebook posts of the prospective girls that my wife is trying to arrange for him, so he doesn’t totally rule it out.
 
Tommy999 said:
Hi, Xantippe. I think my sons have mixed feelings about it if I had to answer that. One of them seems to go along with my wife’s help and is planning on meeting one of these girls soon that my wife has suggested for him while the other son seems to prefer meeting girls on his own but likes to look at the photos and Facebook posts of the prospective girls that my wife is trying to arrange for him, so he doesn’t totally rule it out.
Click to expand...
That sounds OK.

Once they get married, you may need to get her to dial it down, though. One of my aunties (who also has two sons and is the proactive type) had to be trained not to call her newlywed son every day just as he got home from work.

Your wife may not have thought very hard about the fact that she is actively searching for the women who will displace her in her sons’ affections. It might be helpful to occasionally remind her of that. “Honey, I know you want to see the boys settled and to have grandkids as soon as possible, but once the boys get married, it’s never going to be the same. Their wives are going to be the most important people in their lives, and we’re going to be a distant second if we’ve raised our boys right. Let’s try to enjoy what we’ve got while we’ve got it.”
 
Xantippe said:
That sounds OK.

Once they get married, you may need to get her to dial it down, though. One of my aunties (who also has two sons and is the proactive type) had to be trained not to call her newlywed son every day just as he got home from work.

Your wife may not have thought very hard about the fact that she is actively searching for the women who will displace her in her sons’ affections. It might be helpful to occasionally remind her of that. “Honey, I know you want to see the boys settled and to have grandkids as soon as possible, but once the boys get married, it’s never going to be the same. Their wives are going to be the most important people in their lives, and we’re going to be a distant second if we’ve raised our boys right. Let’s try to enjoy what we’ve got while we’ve got it.”
Click to expand...
Thanks, Xantippe. Your last point hadn’t even dawned on me until now and is a good one.

If I had to summarize what I think is taking place, my wife desires Christian daughters-in-law for our sons because she thinks they need them and grandchildren for us to enjoy before she gets too old and wants to help things along a little since we are now over 50.

I told her that our timing isn’t always God’s timing and that we need to rely on Him and not try to manipulate things, but she insists she isn’t doing that. Anyway, I think you get the picture. I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut very much.
 
Tommy999 said:
Thanks, Xantippe. Your last point hadn’t even dawned on me until now and is a good one.

If I had to summarize what I think is taking place, my wife desires Christian daughters-in-law for our sons because she thinks they need them and grandchildren for us to enjoy before she gets too old and wants to help things along a little since we are now over 50.

I told her that our timing isn’t always God’s timing and that we need to rely on Him and not try to manipulate things, but she insists she isn’t doing that. Anyway, I think you get the picture. I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut very much.
Click to expand...
My auntie (the one I mentioned previously with the two sons) is now early 60s/mid-60s, and they just had their much-awaited first grandchild this week. It was a long, long wait, and Lord only knows if there will be any more (the DIL had to have some sort of surgery to enable her to have a baby). (I actually love this auntie, but she’s VERY intense and (like your wife) not given to leaving things to chance.)

There are no guarantees, even if your wife is totally successful and manages to bag a couple of perfect Christian women for your sons.

Best wishes!
 
The Catechism’s section on the commandment “honor thy parents” gives a good summary of the relationship between child and parents throughout life.

This paragraph in particular talks about the change in relationship as a child becomes an adult:

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
 
Your sons are grown-ups. If they don’t mind, let it go. Catholics have been finding good marriage prospects by the work of parents behind the scenes for as long as there have been Catholics. When the societal norms prevented women from doing much in the way of inquiry on their own behalf, it was the most usual thing in Christendom.

Depending on your sense of the entire situation, however, I might consider pulling your sons aside and letting them each know that many of the best women are wise enough to think twice before marrying into a family where the patriarch or matriarch is too meddlesome. Make sure they know that they can accept just as much help from their mother as they want, they can reject what they don’t want, and you will back them up if your wife either tries to give them more “help” than they want or gets sulky because they don’t “appreciate” her efforts. Keep watch that her service truly is gratis, and no strings attached.

IOW, resist temptations that might lead you to counter your wife’s wanted meddling with unwanted meddling coming from you. Let your sons decide how to handle this, and let them have the consequences, both good and bad.
 
It really depends on how your sons feel about this,
I think it’s a great idea but it’s up to the sons in the end,
, there in there 20’s and your wife is trying to do the right thing,
Just stand back and see how it goes,
This is a better situation than having your sons roam the streets , looking for a partner that could be less acceptable to your family
 
People should always encourage there children to look for the perfect partner. I don’t mean perfect as in know mistakes. Perfect partner is someone who is compatible, loves them, and helps them.

You cannot pick a girl for your sons. If you don’t think a girl is right for them you can explain why you think so.

Check out this video below for further information:
youtube.com/watch?v=QNnHdIYCJiU
 
EasterJoy said:
Your sons are grown-ups. If they don’t mind, let it go. Catholics have been finding good marriage prospects by the work of parents behind the scenes for as long as there have been Catholics. When the societal norms prevented women from doing much in the way of inquiry on their own behalf, it was the most usual thing in Christendom.

Depending on your sense of the entire situation, however, I might consider pulling your sons aside and letting them each know that many of the best women are wise enough to think twice before marrying into a family where the patriarch or matriarch is too meddlesome. Make sure they know that they can accept just as much help from their mother as they want, they can reject what they don’t want, and you will back them up if your wife either tries to give them more “help” than they want or gets sulky because they don’t “appreciate” her efforts. Keep watch that her service truly is gratis, and no strings attached.

IOW, resist temptations that might lead you to counter your wife’s wanted meddling with unwanted meddling coming from you. Let your sons decide how to handle this, and let them have the consequences, both good and bad.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the good advice, EasterJoy. I think I will let it go unless it gets out of hand.

I think my sons are handling it well. They are always polite to my wife and they usually let her know in a respectful way if they are not interested in someone she points out to them.
 
phil_at_dayboro said:
It really depends on how your sons feel about this,
I think it’s a great idea but it’s up to the sons in the end,
, there in there 20’s and your wife is trying to do the right thing,
Just stand back and see how it goes,
This is a better situation than having your sons roam the streets , looking for a partner that could be less acceptable to your family
Click to expand...
Very true, Phil. I couldn’t picture my sons ever roaming the streets but I get your point.
I know my wife’s heart is in the right place and she does her research and only picks girls who are Christians who she has met and gotten to know somewhat and thinks they might be a good potential match for them.
 
1ke said:
The Catechism’s section on the commandment “honor thy parents” gives a good summary of the relationship between child and parents throughout life.

This paragraph in particular talks about the change in relationship as a child becomes an adult:

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the perspective from the Catechism, 1ke. I think our sons have a trusting relationship with us and it works pretty well overall. My wife doesn’t pressure them too much, just a little prodding maybe. 😉
 
Tommy999 said:
Thanks for the good advice, EasterJoy. I think I will let it go unless it gets out of hand.

I think my sons are handling it well. They are always polite to my wife and they usually let her know in a respectful way if they are not interested in someone she points out to them.
Click to expand...
As long as your sons are acting like men and see you as an ally whenever their mother needs to be reminded that they are men and not boys, I think an occasional caution to your wife not to push her “recruits” too hard on your two sons will be sufficient. It is a situation worth watching, though, I think you’re right about that.

Who knows? If one of your sons finds a good wife because of your wife’s efforts, in spite of that eventual daughter-in-law’s initial leeriness about the circumstances–Mom, are you telling me you want me to go on a blind date some guy because his mom is a friend of yours? Really? What do you think this is, “Fiddler on the Roof?”–this will be something you’ll have a good laugh about some day. I can easily see it going that way!!
 
To the OP:
This was part of my job as my children’s mother! I really felt that way. There were a couple of potential mates that I felt VERY uncomfortable about for various reasons and I certainly let my children know, in a gentle way. They actually followed my advice 😛 and are very happy, so who knows. Of course they don’t credit me for their marriages nor should they. But I will say that when my sons were dating wonderful women, I let them know “don’t let her get away”! (BTW they married these wonderful women and it turned out great).
I can’t see mothers not doing something to help kids. But it should be gentle and unobtrusive.
 
Musician said:
To the OP:
This was part of my job as my children’s mother! I really felt that way. There were a couple of potential mates that I felt VERY uncomfortable about for various reasons and I certainly let my children know, in a gentle way. They actually followed my advice 😛 and are very happy, so who knows. Of course they don’t credit me for their marriages nor should they. But I will say that when my sons were dating wonderful women, I let them know “don’t let her get away”! (BTW they married these wonderful women and it turned out great).
I can’t see mothers not doing something to help kids. But it should be gentle and unobtrusive.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the reply, Musician. In retrospect, I think my wife’s “helping” has also been both gentle and unobtrusive for the most part.

Part of my perceived issue with it may be that my mother never involved herself in my choice of mates and trusted my judgment to make the right choice on my own, but then I came from a large family (9 kids) and she probably didn’t have the time to do it even if she wanted to. Plus, I had moved out of state and was out of her immediate radar screen to a certain extent.

However, she appeared to be that way with all of her kids. If asked, she would give her opinion, but only if she was asked. I guess I was coming from that point of view whereas my wife’s approach is more like her mother’s was with her.
 
I have to agree with many of the previous posters; there is nothing wrong with giving a bit of advice or guidance but it should be done gently and respectfully and only when the “child” is open to it, that’s the only way it will work anyway. I have a very close relationship with my parents and they advise me lovingly and often times I agree with and follow their advice however the rare time when I respectfully weigh it and don’t feel it is the correct approach they respect that as my right as an adult. They both adore my intended although neither had a hand in choosing him.
 
To the OP, I don’t see a problem with what your wife is doing. Personally, I wish we knew enough Catholic girls our son’s age that we could do the same for him. I think it’s important to offer relationship advice to young people at this stage, mainly because a lot of them don’t have the ability to really understand how their decisions can impact them and their families in the long run. Without being able to arrange meetings with decent girls his age, the best we’ve been able to do with our son is to try to dissuade him from what have invariably been disastrous choices. With regard to the one horrendous mistake he kept making over and over (unbelievably immoral, terrible attitude, treated him like dirt and only agreed to “dates” when she needed him to do chores for her), we finally had no choice but to encourage him and let her mistreat and hurt him to the point that he finally understood what a bad choice she was.
 
Thanks for the replies and perspectives, Miss Felicity and Gordon Sims. I think I’ve gained valuable wisdom from a lot of the posters here and I appreciate it very much.
 
I’m the mother of two grown daughters (28 and 31). One is married, one isn’t.

If my daughters dated or date men whose mothers hooked them up, I would tell them to RUN!

I believe that many marriages are destroyed by mothers who can’t let go of their sons. My mother was married to a man (my father) who was overly-devoted to his mother, and it caused terrible conflicts in their marriage (although they stuck it out to the end).

One other possibility, OP–sorry–could one or both of your sons be gay and therefore, not interested in dating women? So sorry to bring it up, but in this day and age…well…it’s a possibility.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top