How much should Christian mothers intervene in dating lives of children?

[Xantippe]

I’m the mother of two grown daughters (28 and 31). One is married, one isn’t.

If my daughters dated or date men whose mothers hooked them up, I would tell them to RUN!

I believe that many marriages are destroyed by mothers who can’t let go of their sons. My mother was married to a man (my father) who was overly-devoted to his mother, and it caused terrible conflicts in their marriage (although they stuck it out to the end).

One other possibility, OP–sorry–could one or both of your sons be gay and therefore, not interested in dating women? So sorry to bring it up, but in this day and age…well…it’s a possibility.

That is unfortunately one of the options.

On the other hand, there have been a number of male posters here would give their pinkies for a mom who would help them more with women.

 

[Anglewannabe]

If my daughters dated or date men whose mothers hooked them up, I would tell them to RUN!

.

As a woman, I want to be asked out by a man not his mommy. If a woman tried to introduce me to her son I think one of two things

a-) There is something terrible wrong with him that he can’t ask a woman out by himself

b-) His mom is doing this behind his back and he will blow his lid at his mom once he finds out

As for you wife wanting to have grandchildren, sorry, that is for God to decide not her

Angie

 

[felsguy]

As my screenname indicates, I am a guy which of course means that I am genetically insensitive in most matters. Worse yet, I have this habit of putting both feet in my mouth simultaneously about such matters as my dear wife diagnosed long ago and frequently reminds me. :yup: Since I never learn from these past mistakes, here goes: It is my observation, based primarily on the circle of my wife’s friends, about a dozen of whom have all had children marry within the past few years, that the desire of women to have children, strong as it appears to be, is overshadowed ten times by the urge of women of a certain age to have grandchildren.

Seriously, I do not think there is a universal answer to the questions you pose. I suggest it depends on your family’s dynamics. I am sure some young men would welcome the assistance of their mothers. I am sure that others would take the same approach that my two grown sons would have, had their mother attempted to be so “helpful,” namely, “Mom, I appreciate your good intentions but I’ve got this under control so with all due respect please BACK OFF.”

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Having made a response earlier,thinking about this situation further,
It’s not a bad idea, because I made a really lousy choice myself decades ago,
My mother I think would have made a better choice for me,and I think she even hinted that,

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s another possible pitfall:

Will she be ticked off if they find somebody without her help? Does she want them to be happily married, or does she want them to be happily married to a woman of her choosing?

There’s a wonderful book by C.S. Lewis called “The Four Loves” and I would encourage you and your wife to read it, particularly the chapter on affection and how it can go wrong. There’s a wonderful character in there named Mrs. Fidget that many good women teeter on the edge of becoming if we aren’t careful:

wedgewords.wordpress.com/2009/02/03/mrs-fidget/

There’s more in the book, but you get the idea.

Best wishes!

 

[mommy_k]

If your wife casually knows of a nice girl for one of your sons, then she should mention it. If she is acting like a christian dating service, that’s different.

In other words, once in a while it’s fine-constantly doing this is excessive and she may become a crutch for your sons to depend on. She may be sending out the message that they are incapable of judging who would make a good dating/marriage partner.

Just my two cents-

 

[Tommy999]

I’m the mother of two grown daughters (28 and 31). One is married, one isn’t.

If my daughters dated or date men whose mothers hooked them up, I would tell them to RUN!

I believe that many marriages are destroyed by mothers who can’t let go of their sons. My mother was married to a man (my father) who was overly-devoted to his mother, and it caused terrible conflicts in their marriage (although they stuck it out to the end).

One other possibility, OP–sorry–could one or both of your sons be gay and therefore, not interested in dating women? So sorry to bring it up, but in this day and age…well…it’s a possibility.

Hi Cat,
I’m confident both of my sons are heterosexual because of things they say and observations they make about girls. They both have dated off and on over the years and in college but nothing super serious so far. I think my wife would be fine with any Christian girl my sons chose on their own.

I think she is frustrated at times because they are focusing more on their careers right now and dating has taken a back seat for them at the moment whereas my wife’s desire for grandchildren occupies a front seat in her life at this stage, although I try to make sure we do fun stuff together to try to distract her a little from this “hobby” of hers.

I occasionally remind her that our timing isn’t always God’s timing. That seems to help. It truly isn’t that bad of a situation and forgive me if I gave anyone the impression that it was.

However, I was mainly curious how prevalent her behavior was among Christian moms and wanted to see how others handle(d) this kind of situation.

 

[Tommy999]

As my screenname indicates, I am a guy which of course means that I am genetically insensitive in most matters. Worse yet, I have this habit of putting both feet in my mouth simultaneously about such matters as my dear wife diagnosed long ago and frequently reminds me. :yup: Since I never learn from these past mistakes, here goes: It is my observation, based primarily on the circle of my wife’s friends, about a dozen of whom have all had children marry within the past few years, that the desire of women to have children, strong as it appears to be, is overshadowed ten times by the urge of women of a certain age to have grandchildren.

Seriously, I do not think there is a universal answer to the questions you pose. I suggest it depends on your family’s dynamics. I am sure some young men would welcome the assistance of their mothers. I am sure that others would take the same approach that my two grown sons would have, had their mother attempted to be so “helpful,” namely, “Mom, I appreciate your good intentions but I’ve got this under control so with all due respect please BACK OFF.”

Wise observations and good advice, felsguy. I don’t think you put your foot in your mouth at all

 

[Cat]

Hi Cat,
I’m confident both of my sons are heterosexual because of things they say and observations they make about girls. They both have dated a little when they were in college but nothing serious at this time. I think my wife would be fine with any Christian girl my sons choose on their own, provided she feels they would make a good mate for them.

I think she is frustrated at times because they are focusing more on their careers right now and dating has taken a back seat for them whereas my wife’s desire for grandchildren occupies a front seat in her life at this stage, although I try to make sure we do fun stuff together to try to distract her a little from this “hobby”.

I remind her at times that our timing isn’t always God’s timing. That seems to help. It truly isn’t that bad of a situation and forgive if I gave you that impression but it was enough of a concern for me to bring it up on this forum just to see how others handle this kind of situation.

Perhaps it would help your wife to get involved with a volunteer organization that helps improve the lives of little ones.

E.g., in our city, people volunteer to spend an hour a week reading to schoolchildren. Sometimes these reading sessions are with a class, and sometimes they are reading one-on-one. It’s a great thing for children, many of whom have no responsible parents who are willing or able to read to them.

There are lots of possibilities.

The trend nowadays seems to be for young couples to get their financial ducks in a row before they start their families. My daughter and her husband have been married for 6 years now, and they are still working on paying off credit card debts that her husband incurred as a naïve teenager, and also her students loans (around $40,000.00).

I know a lot of people criticize young couples for this, and say, “There will never be a “right time” to have babies.”

But I can see why the young people are doing this. Once a woman has babies, it’s much harder for couples to put any money towards debt repayment. Either mom stays home with baby, which means no second income, or mom pays a lot of her paycheck towards daycare expenses.

Even though faith-filled people protest and say, “God will take care of it all!”, the cold hard fact is that many marriages end over money woes.

Many couples see their parents (me and my husband, e.g.!) in debt and recognize that debt really limits you and makes it impossible to save for retirement. (This of course also means that Mom and Dad aren’t likely to leave them a comfy financial inheritance when they die–my husband and I plan on putting a statement into our will to the effect of, “We spent it all on our daughters while we were alive and able to enjoy you. We hope you enjoyed your growing-up years and that you will remember us fondly.”)

So young couples are trying to be smart and take care of these things before starting a family. I don’t blame them one bit. I see it as a way to love their children before their children arrive.

 

[Tommy999]

Here’s another possible pitfall:

Will she be ticked off if they find somebody without her help? Does she want them to be happily married, or does she want them to be happily married to a woman of her choosing?

There’s a wonderful book by C.S. Lewis called “The Four Loves” and I would encourage you and your wife to read it, particularly the chapter on affection and how it can go wrong. There’s a wonderful character in there named Mrs. Fidget that many good women teeter on the edge of becoming if we aren’t careful:

wedgewords.wordpress.com/2009/02/03/mrs-fidget/

There’s more in the book, but you get the idea.

Best wishes!

Hi Xantippe,
I think she wants them to be happily married to nice Christian girls who would make nice spouses and good mothers – period. I don’t think it would matter how they met the girl. She is just trying to kick-start the process a little, I think, out of her desire to be a grandparent.

 

[Tommy999]

Perhaps it would help your wife to get involved with a volunteer organization that helps improve the lives of little ones.

E.g., in our city, people volunteer to spend an hour a week reading to schoolchildren. Sometimes these reading sessions are with a class, and sometimes they are reading one-on-one. It’s a great thing for children, many of whom have no responsible parents who are willing or able to read to them.

There are lots of possibilities.

The trend nowadays seems to be for young couples to get their financial ducks in a row before they start their families. My daughter and her husband have been married for 6 years now, and they are still working on paying off credit card debts that her husband incurred as a naïve teenager, and also her students loans (around $40,000.00).

I know a lot of people criticize young couples for this, and say, “There will never be a “right time” to have babies.”

But I can see why the young people are doing this. Once a woman has babies, it’s much harder for couples to put any money towards debt repayment. Either mom stays home with baby, which means no second income, or mom pays a lot of her paycheck towards daycare expenses.

Even though faith-filled people protest and say, “God will take care of it all!”, the cold hard fact is that many marriages end over money woes.

Many couples see their parents (me and my husband, e.g.!) in debt and recognize that debt really limits you and makes it impossible to save for retirement. (This of course also means that Mom and Dad aren’t likely to leave them a comfy financial inheritance when they die–my husband and I plan on putting a statement into our will to the effect of, “We spent it all on our daughters while we were alive and able to enjoy you. We hope you enjoyed your growing-up years and that you will remember us fondly.”)

So young couples are trying to be smart and take care of these things before starting a family. I don’t blame them one bit. I see it as a way to love their children before their children arrive.

I agree, Cat. Both of my sons are focused on establishing themselves in their careers and paying off student debt at the moment. That is their primary focus. Our oldest is very logical and wants to have his debt paid off before he enters a serious relationship so as to not be a burden to a prospective spouse whereas our youngest (age 23) has the same beliefs but rolls with the flow and is a little more happy-go-lucky and would probably carry the debt into a marriage if he found the right girl and if she was ok with it.

 

[Sarcelle]

Hi Xantippe,
I think she wants them to be happily married to nice Christian girls who would make nice spouses and good mothers – period. I don’t think it would matter how they met the girl. She is just trying to kick-start the process a little, I think, out of her desire to be a grandparent.

If your sons manage to marry nice Christian girls, how soon will your wife apply the pressure for them to start having children?

I mean no matter how nice the daughter-in-law, I doubt the constant questions about geting pregnant as soon as possible will go over well.

 

[Tommy999]

If your sons manage to marry nice Christian girls, how soon will your wife apply the pressure for them to start having children?

I mean no matter how nice the daughter-in-law, I doubt the constant questions about geting pregnant as soon as possible will go over well.

Good question, Sarcelle. I’ll have to keep an eye on that and make sure that doesn’t happen, although I doubt she would want to antagonize a daughter-in-law. She looks forward to having them.

Knowing my wife, I imagine she would probably give them a grace period of a few years without a pregnancy before broaching the subject, kind of like her and my parents did with us. I’m also confident she would approach the subject tactfully when the time came.

 

[Sarcelle]

Good question, Sarcelle. I’ll have to keep an eye on that and make sure that doesn’t happen, although I doubt she would want to antagonize any daughter-in-law. She looks forward to having them.

Knowing my wife, I imagine she would probably give them a grace period of a few years without a pregnancy before broaching the subject, kind of like her and my parents did with us. I’m also confident she would approach the subject tactfully when the time came.

Thank you for not taking offense.

If your wife is tactful than it should be no problem.

It will be good to know for any daughter-in-law that she has at last free baby sitting from the grandma once the kids come…

 

[Tommy999]

Thank you for not taking offense.

If your wife is tactful than it should be no problem.

It will be good to know for any daughter-in-law that she has at last free baby sitting from the grandma once the kids come…

Oh, yes. I am confident of that. There are not many certainties in life but free baby-sitting of grandchildren by my wife is one of them. She already volunteers to watch my oldest son’s best friend’s little girl on occasion when he and his wife need babysitting assistance – and they are not even related to us.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It depends how your sons feel about it.

I know for a fact that there are single CAF guys who would KILL to have their moms helping them like this.

I think the answer to the OP’s question is that it depends.

You’re right, a lot of men (and women) would be grateful for and benefit from this kind of help, even unsolicited. But a lot of people (both men and women) would balk at dating someone who was being set up by their mother.

There really is no one right way. People are unique and different things work for them. I’m a pretty independent and confident person, so I wanted the same in a partner. But someone who is more shy, reserved, awkward, or even just very traditional may really appreciate and even rely on parental intervention.

The OP should ask his sons how they feel and how they think that the type of girls they’re trying to attract would feel, and act accordingly.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

The OP should ask his sons how they feel and how they think that the type of girls they’re trying to attract would feel, and act accordingly.

Seriously. That is the only thing that matters about this… the only thing.