How much should family history influence a marriage decision?

[hasikelee]

Awesome! We will keep you both in our prayers. Before we got married (28 years ago) my husband and I went on an Engaged Encounter weekend. It was the best thing ever. Once we got through that it was clear to see we were on the same page with all the important things and really helped me be confident we were doing the right thing

We attended one of those in March. I thought some of the activities were pushing it. (I am not the lovey dovey type person although my fiancee is!) But overall it was a beautiful experience that really gave us confidence. We got to go over so much in our relationship, all the important topics, and it was clear to us that we were firmly committed on the same subjects and goals.

I felt refreshed, too.

 

[AlaAnnie]

Hasikelee - My husband of 4 yrs came from a similar background to your finance, much neglect and abuse. I, like you, came from a background that was loving and supportive. I went into this marriage pretty seasoned. This was my second marriage. My first husband died when I was 35, leaving me with 2 small children. I have to say that the last 4 yrs of my life have been the worst - even worse than my widowed years. After much prayer, research, tears, and trying, I’ve come to the conclusion that my husband suffers from narcissistic personality disorder as a result of his upbringing. The hope of recovery is very slim. We have, however, found a healing technique that is proving to be somewhat beneficial. It is called Theophostic Prayer Ministry as prescribed by Dr. Ed Smith. It is Baptist in origin. My husband isn’t Catholic and is extremely anti-Catholic. So, the priest and what the church has to offer wasn’t an option.

My hope at this point is that my husband will get enough healing through this process so that we can have a civil divorce. Up to this point, he has threatened to bankrupt me in the process, along with many other equally devestating things (such as seeking custody of my children from my first marriage). I hope and pray that you’re not starting down the road that I’m on. And, I do hope and pray that your finance can find adequate healing from a life that he is merely a victim of. So, sad. So very sad.

May God have mercy on your souls.

 

[ktp]

Another voice saying, think long and hard and pray greatly.

He may be a very wonderful person. In many ways my husband is, and probably did not have half the problems growing up that your fiance did. But in all honesty, I have known for the last two years that I would not marry him again, knowing his family and their dynamics, and how his father’s drinking has apparently affected him and them. You know, he’s a good person in many ways, but I am sick and tired of dealing with lies, having things twisted so that I never know which end is up, being unable to fully trust him, denial of responsibility, being accused of things I didn’t do and not understanding why, his insecurities that ‘lead him’ (presumably that’s what it’s about) to get his ego strokes from other women (and hopefully that’s all it ever was.) I’m just tired of it, and tired of what it’s done to me, and wanting to know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship.

And this, as I said, is with someone who probably had only half the issues your fiance did.

 

[hasikelee]

Another voice saying, think long and hard and pray greatly.

He may be a very wonderful person. In many ways my husband is, and probably did not have half the problems growing up that your fiance did. But in all honesty, I have known for the last two years that I would not marry him again, knowing his family and their dynamics, and how his father’s drinking has apparently affected him and them. You know, he’s a good person in many ways, but I am sick and tired of dealing with lies, having things twisted so that I never know which end is up, being unable to fully trust him, denial of responsibility, being accused of things I didn’t do and not understanding why, his insecurities that ‘lead him’ (presumably that’s what it’s about) to get his ego strokes from other women (and hopefully that’s all it ever was.) I’m just tired of it, and tired of what it’s done to me, and wanting to know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship.

And this, as I said, is with someone who probably had only half the issues your fiance did.

ktp, I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for your open post and sharing. I have one question: looking back at your relationship with him, did you see any red flags or indication of what was to come while dating?

 

[ktp]

ktp, I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for your open post and sharing. I have one question: looking back at your relationship with him, did you see any red flags or indication of what was to come while dating?

There were little things that, in hindsight, I could say yes.

For instance, I saw how he was always late to work. (Something he’s fixed, btw, although it took some serious consequences for him to take that seriously. Bridge under the water now, though.)

I heard him tell work stories about why he was late. Unfortunately, many people will elaborate a little to excuse being late. Everyone has faults, and you can’t just dismiss someone from marriage because of little faults.

In many ways, no, I have to say I had little warning, but I also have to admit that we married less than a year after we met.

I will say, too, there may be other factors. There has been one incident–an in-law angry that he left home, and blamed me-- and if we’d stayed in his country, maybe all would have been fine. (We tried, but there were factors that prevented it.)

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

Hi Hasikelee,

What a hard situation. It seems like you’re doing everything right for right now.

Two years ago I married a Guatemalan man with a similar (but far more severe) history of abuse in his childhood years. I had never met such people before and didn’t know what signs to look for. I had heard that abused people sometimes abuse their own families when they are grown… but he always used to say to me, “I could never, ever hit a woman.”

But as soon as our first son was born, that’s exactly what he did. He beat me severely every day over a period of months and subjected me to the most awful emotional abuse you could imagine. He threatened to kill our son and played at drowning him. This isn’t even the half of it.

You really hit the nail on the head in how you noticed that your fiancee’s family treats him worse the better he is. That is exactly how these people operate. They hate goodness in others (well, unless it directly benefits them in some kind of tangible way like money, gifts, or other favors). The fact that your fiancee is taking steps to distance himself from these people is a very good sign that is is a healthy person. A bad sign I overlooked in my husband is the fact that he could not stand for anybody to criticize his mother (who is literally a vile, psychopathic criminal). He adored her, even though she was the one who was most abusive to him. And because (very unlike her) I was nice and sweet and quiet, I was the punching bag for his pent-up rage against his mother. The nicer and sweeter I was to him and to our son, the more he hated me and the harder he beat me. I guess maybe because my kindness illustrated exactly how messed up his mother was?

(Some happy news: statistically speaking, most abusers were abused as children… BUT most abused children do NOT go on to abuse as adults.)

Is your fiancee happy for people who are happy? Or does he resent those who appear to have nicer things/relationships or better luck than he does? Does he define himself by how much he has, what he does, and his hobbies? Or does he define himself by his walk with Christ? These are rhetorical questions… I don’t need the answers, but the answers are important to you.

I guess another warning I will give you is this: just because this man is a basically good man and a beloved child of God doesn’t mean he’s the man for you. I’m not saying he isn’t… but do be careful not to sacrifice your life to “rescue” a wounded soul. It’s not just about your own life and soul, but the souls of all your future children. You are the steward of all this. Don’t gamble it away for the sake of any man. Your partner in life needs to have a strong soul and be capable of standing up and making correct moral choices all on his own with no help from you.

And if he does all that, wow! What a gem, and who cares about his family history? (Honestly, from what you describe I think he is probably a great man.)

I hope it doesn’t seem like I’m talking down to you. I respect you a lot. I’ve read a lot of your posts over the months and you seem like a very smart young lady. But everybody always called me intelligent, too, and I made a horrible mistake anyhow.

 

[Vera_Icona]

My life is a complete combination of what you’re experiencing with your fiance.

I had to learn to distance myself from my dysfunctional family and set boundaries. Lots of arguments, pushing, shoving, but within what seemed a “normal” household where grades and Church were “important.” We were belittled, intimidated, told we were worthless, that we should not have been born, that we were rotten and impure.

He suffered from sexual abuse. He was abandoned by his mother, too. By his entire family, practically…family of 7 kids. He grew up on the streets and had no semblance of “normal.” All these years, I’ve had to teach him what routine and structure are.

A lot of the “signs” weren’t there when we were dating because “situations” didn’t come up for him to display the affects of all this abuse…

…until the children were born.

I’ve been married almost 15 years now. Things have gotten better over the years because we try to be good Catholics and stay in God’s grace through the sacraments.

Right now, though, I’m still the mediator between my oldest son and my husband.

When times are bad (once, twice a month) and my husband overly reacts, I catch myself thinking a variety of things:

1. How will the pain my son suffers be visted upon his children and his wife?
2. What would my life be like if I did not marry him?
3. What will life be like when the children are grown?

Because I decided to stay with him all these years, I had to grow up and ditch my issues.

Even so, I realize that I “put up” with a lot…with things coming from my husband that would not be tolerated by anyone in the normal world.

But because I’m married in the Catholic Church, there are no exists…even for an annulment. Especially because I still regard my husband to be a sincere Catholic who tries, but who has your simple man-weaknesses that are compounded by his past.

We are getting better as time passes, but I still worry about my children. So, I pray.

And I fight when I need to. Make him back down and improve. I am not a victim in any of this, because this is the life I choose. All of this has made me a better Catholic.

My husband “coped” with his abuse by becoming an angry, very tough person, which explains the “bully tactics” he uses on my oldest son.

This is the “healing” he needs. This is what people mean when they ask you, “is your fiance healed?/has he begun healing?”

I didn’t know my husband needed “healing” until we were right, smack-dab in the middle of a fight, or circumstances that shadowed what he experienced in his childhood (abandonment issues).

And then there are the new discoveries.

Just recently, I found out that some of what he carries is from what he saw at other kids’ houses when he was out and about, roaming the streets when he should have been mothered and fathered at home: the punk kids he would hang out with, they would behave wretchedly with their parents.

So, now my kid suffers, even though he is a good, wholesome child. I understand now that some of the bully tactics are just so that my son doesn’t behave the way the punk kids did…and because my husband is afraid of being treated like those dumb parents.

But, I just now understood this, after close to 15 years of marriage, it’s just coming out.

So, you’re talking about a lifetime of discovery, a lifetime of healing, and a lifetime of change.

But, you know what? That’s why we have long lives.

If you think you have the strength to help him, marry him. Maybe God put you in his life because you’re the right person to help him with his journey to becoming a complete soul.

This is how I see myself, even though I have my own scars from my past…in my life, I see myself as having to overcome 2 sets of obstacles, my own and his. I’m done with mine. The rest of my life will be for my husband, especially so that my children will have a chance at experiencing a happy father.

If you don’t think you can do it, don’t. You have a right to a complete life, without this problem. Just because God put you in his life doesn’t mean you have to marry him.

Maybe you’re here, now, so that you can direct him and he will be ready for his future wife.

If I were you, I would do some SEPARATE discernment. I know you want to help him, but I keep seeing this “we” and “us,” and I’m wondering what you are doing to figure out if this is right for you, if this is what you want your future children to be exposed to.

If I could have looked into the future, I’m not sure I could have done it. All this is very painful, and it gets lonely. Then I think of what Christ suffered for his friends.

He was lonely, too.

So…you see where this draws me closer to Christ…and, strangely, for me, all this is a good thing…because I think I was on my way to being a pro-choice, crystal-bearin’, Tarot-reading gen-x-er way back in the day.

I coulda lost my soul, had it not been for my husband.

Find out what God wants you to do.

VI

 

[hasikelee]

Wow, what open and sincere posts! I really appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut, folks.

It scares me how some of the posters found no indication towards abusive tendencies during their courtship. I have heard of this before, of dating someone who is nice and then boom, right after the wedding the person turns out to be a psycho.

I mean, in looking over our relationship, there is no indication of any abuse or tendency. (using Catholic teaching and abuse awareness site as a baseline) So I guess this leaves me with a gambling chance if I do choose to continue the relationship.

Boo. If there was just a 2+2=4 equation to this…lol. I am too anal for such indecision and uncertainty! I like things to be set in stone.

At least I feel at peace regarding my decision to stay in the relationship but not rush towards wedding plans. We’ve been together for four years; spending a little more time discerning isn’t going to be a huge problem. KWIM? I think I will take it slow and pay more attention to the nuances of behavior.

For example, I noticed that this past year whenever he would ask for advice or try to share his experiences with his parents (recent experiences) I would dismiss his worries as overreacting or as exaggerating. He would talk of his dad acting crazy over school and I would dismiss it as my fiancee just needing to learn how to be tactful. In my mind I thought I was giving his parents the benefit of the doubt and/or believed that my fiancee was just being a teen boy. In reality, it’s like I’ve called him the liar and kind of perpetrated a surreal situation of it not existing.

Anyways, in confronting this head on I get a feeling of relief from him, as if he feels like saying, “I’m not the crazy one, I wasn’t imagining it all along!”

I think the situation is similar to a stereotype of the husband not saying a word as the MIL and wife fight it out. And I certainly don’t want to be that “husband.”

Anyways, point being it looks like I need some work in excepting things and confronting them instead of being “peaceful.”

Well, we’ve got a year to learn about this in greater detail!

 

[aurora77]

For example, I noticed that this past year whenever he would ask for advice or try to share his experiences with his parents (recent experiences) I would dismiss his worries as overreacting or as exaggerating. He would talk of his dad acting crazy over school and I would dismiss it as my fiancee just needing to learn how to be tactful. In my mind I thought I was giving his parents the benefit of the doubt and/or believed that my fiancee was just being a teen boy. In reality, it’s like I’ve called him the liar and kind of perpetrated a surreal situation of it not existing.

While my husband is a bit older than your fiance; I’ve been through what you talk about here. My husband used to talk about his mother and say really negative things about her; not mean, just negative. Because I’ve never known anyone like her, I thought he was exaggerating, I basically blew off what he was saying. He was right; she’s a manipulative, mean, emotionally abusive person. He’s basically decided to have as little contact with her as possible; I told him I fully support whatever he wants to do in this case. Fortunately, despite her treatment of him, he’s the kindest, most wonderful man I’ve ever known who’s never even raised his voice towards me.

You’re right to want to think about this and really make a smart decision. If you marry him, these people will be in your life until they die. Your fiance needs to decide what sort of relationship he wants with them and you can make your decision accordingly.

 

[Hater_free]

Sad to hear this, Imma pray for you guys. Trust the situation in God’s hands and ask Him to lead your steps in this situation. At the end of the day you know this man better than the rest of us. Keep your faith up. Hope this helps & God bless you & all on here & everywhere!!!:console:

 

[ac_claire]

CaRose, what a beautiful and inspiring post. I really appreciate it.

I am unsure if I am putting this correctly, but what does he need help with? Like, what is wrong with him and needs to be fixed?

We are reading through this thread together and he wants to know what is wrong with him and what he needs to do to become a healed person who is stable and ready to be married.

If he goes to a therapist, what does he say? Thanks!

Hasikelee,

“Running for your life!” isn’t the only option you have. You can choose to stick with this man and be married. You’ve been together for 4 years already, and it sounds like that’s what you want. But if you do go in you’ll have to do it with your eyes open…knowing that you’ve married into a crazy family. Y’all can take whatever steps you’re willing to take to distance yourselves and your children from his family. This will or will not be successful depending on how seriously your fiance wants them to not be a part of his life and his new family.

So…as far as what kind of therapy to pursue…that’s almost impossible for any of us anonymous posters to suggest since we don’t know him. Judging from your OP I think I can make a general recommendation for therapy or counselling focusing on co-dependency. I will bet that’s your DH-to be’s #1 piece of “baggage” and it’s a heavy one with tentacles that reach into all the other bags. In addition to co-dependancy counselling you might also want to look into Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). His parents may or may not have been alcoholics/addicts but trust me, the lessons will still be beneficial or at least relevant for him.

God bless while you figure all this out. I’ve prayed for you.

 

[Hater_free]

Hasikelee,

“Running for your life!” isn’t the only option you have. You can choose to stick with this man and be married. You’ve been together for 4 years already, and it sounds like that’s what you want. But if you do go in you’ll have to do it with your eyes open…knowing that you’ve married into a crazy family. Y’all can take whatever steps you’re willing to take to distance yourselves and your children from his family. This will or will not be successful depending on how seriously your fiance wants them to not be a part of his life and his new family.

So…as far as what kind of therapy to pursue…that’s almost impossible for any of us anonymous posters to suggest since we don’t know him. Judging from your OP I think I can make a general recommendation for therapy or counselling focusing on co-dependency. I will bet that’s your DH-to be’s #1 piece of “baggage” and it’s a heavy one with tentacles that reach into all the other bags. In addition to co-dependancy counselling you might also want to look into Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). His parents may or may not have been alcoholics/addicts but trust me, the lessons will still be beneficial or at least relevant for him.

God bless while you figure all this out. I’ve prayed for you.

Exactly!!! Very well put! God bless!:tiphat:

 

[SMHW]

Just in case you hadn’t noticed…

This thread is coming up on three years old. Hasikelee has been married for a year and a half now.

 

[ac_claire]

Just in case you hadn’t noticed…

This thread is coming up on three years old. Hasikelee has been married for a year and a half now.

LOL thanks…

Come on guys, what’s with resurrecting the old threads?! lol