How much should physical attraction matter?

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Crescentinus said:
To me, it does. But, personality counts more. 🙂
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If thou canst love a
fellow of this temper, Kate, whose face is not worth
sun-burning, that never looks in his glass for love
of any thing he sees there, let thine eye be thy
cook. I speak to thee plain soldier: If thou canst
love me for this, take me: if not, to say to thee
that I shall die, is true; but for thy love, by the
Lord, no; yet I love thee too. And while thou
livest, dear Kate, take a fellow of plain and
uncoined constancy; for he perforce must do thee
right, because he hath not the gift to woo in other
places: for these fellows of infinite tongue, that
can rhyme themselves into ladies’ favours, they do
always reason themselves out again. What! a
speaker is but a prater; a rhyme is but a ballad. A
good leg will fall; a straight back will stoop; a
black beard will turn white; a curled pate will grow
bald; a fair face will wither; a full eye will wax
hollow: but a good heart, Kate, is the sun and the
moon; or, rather, the sun, and not the moon; for it
shines bright and never changes, but keeps his
course truly. If thou would have such a one, take
me; and take me, take a soldier; take a soldier,
take a king. Henry V, Act 5, Scene 2 (boldface mine, obviously ;))

OP: This is a woman who will make a king of you, and who will do so long after you are too old to attract a flirt from a waitress. If you want to be a king, choose someone like her. If you want to be a courtier, if you want to spend your life currying favor and propping up a life built around vanity, keep looking for a wife who says every morning, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall…”

Whatever you do, though, do not marry someone you do not value as your pearl of great price, because you will have to put aside all for the sake of the woman you marry. Make that a happy “purchase” for yourself, a price you are happy to pay. Otherwise, keep looking.
 
Wow,

sometimes, i read these threads all at one time - and i am boggled by the direction that they go.

It took me many years before i decided to get married. I was so involved with my career that i had little energy left.

And i wondered why all these other guys had married such wonderful women.

One day it dawned on me. The reason that those marriages seemed so attractive to me was because they were so content. And the more i thought about it - neither the guy nor the woman were outrageously attractive - but in their happiness, they seemed more attractive.

If i had met them somewhere else at a different point in time - and they were available - would i have been attracted to them? And I realized that I may not have been.

That revelation reshaped how i thought about people. What if i married a supermodel who was hard to deal with - and then she gained 60 pounds after a pregnancy? Now, i would have neither the great personality nor the great looks. As we all age, we are all going to lose our looks.

But I want you to look around at all the married people that you know. Include your parents and their generation in it as well. Think about how content they are - how happy they are with their lives and their relationships.

(Now, i realize that the next sentence may come across as creepy, but i don’t mean it in a weird way) After you think of how content they are as couples, now try to realistically think about how you would have felt about each of their wives if you were dating her way back when. Would you have rejected her based on her looks. If you had would you have regretted it now?
 
EasterJoy said:
If thou canst love a
fellow of this temper, Kate, whose face is not worth
sun-burning, that never looks in his glass for love
of any thing he sees there, let thine eye be thy
cook. I speak to thee plain soldier: If thou canst
love me for this, take me: if not, to say to thee
that I shall die, is true; but for thy love, by the
Lord, no; yet I love thee too. And while thou
livest, dear Kate, take a fellow of plain and
uncoined constancy; for he perforce must do thee
right, because he hath not the gift to woo in other
places: for these fellows of infinite tongue, that
can rhyme themselves into ladies’ favours, they do
always reason themselves out again. What! a
speaker is but a prater; a rhyme is but a ballad. A
good leg will fall; a straight back will stoop; a
black beard will turn white; a curled pate will grow
bald; a fair face will wither; a full eye will wax
hollow: but a good heart, Kate, is the sun and the
moon; or, rather, the sun, and not the moon; for it
shines bright and never changes, but keeps his
course truly. If thou would have such a one, take
me; and take me, take a soldier; take a soldier,
take a king. Henry V, Act 5, Scene 2 (boldface mine, obviously ;))

OP: This is a woman who will make a king of you, and who will do so long after you are too old to attract a flirt from a waitress. If you want to be a king, choose someone like her. If you want to be a courtier, if you want to spend your life currying favor and propping up a life built around vanity, keep looking for a wife who says every morning, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall…”

Whatever you do, though, do not marry someone you do not value as your pearl of great price, because you will have to put aside all for the sake of the woman you marry. Make that a happy “purchase” for yourself, a price you are happy to pay. Otherwise, keep looking.
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Outstanding post, and thought-provoking.

You’re right, she would make a king of me. And I understand when you speak of the pearl of great price.

In terms of the “keep looking,” as I mentioned in earlier post, I really seldom “click” with another person on this level. In fact, I never have in the past. It’s tough to pass her up.

Anyway, I have to weigh all these things out…
 
Debora123 said:
I think that’s a common misconception.

I would never and could never marry someone I was not attracted to. Of course, he had to be a great person as well, but that doesn’t mean that looks didn’t matter to me. I definitely had very specific boundaries, such as never wanting to date someone who is overweight or who is shorter than myself or a red head (just a couple examples). Not that there’s anything wrong with those things, it’s just not what I’m personally attracted to. I know for a fact that most women do have a sort of deal breaker type list regarding physical appearance of their partner, so it wasn’t only me.
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I totally understand, but there’s a difference between say someone who is athletic not wanting to date a fat person, and what I typically get where the girl will just flat out refuse to talk to me just because i’m fat. I have preferences too, but at the same time, I guess I look for personality and a general sense of attractiveness.

But too often, i think there are too many dealbreakers. Also, what if you had happened to stay single for a long time (You are married right?). I would think you’d have to change your standards and might find a surprise amongst some overweight ginger:)
 
EasternWestern said:
Outstanding post, and thought-provoking.

You’re right, she would make a king of me. And I understand when you speak of the pearl of great price.

In terms of the “keep looking,” as I mentioned in earlier post, I really seldom “click” with another person on this level. In fact, I never have in the past. It’s tough to pass her up.

Anyway, I have to weigh all these things out…
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If it’s a mild sticking point for you, so that you feel “it is hard to pass her up”, then maybe you are more concerned about what others think than the fact that you actually don’t have chemistry with her.
 
benjammin said:
I totally understand, but there’s a difference between say someone who is athletic not wanting to date a fat person, and what I typically get where the girl will just flat out refuse to talk to me just because i’m fat. I have preferences too, but at the same time, I guess I look for personality and a general sense of attractiveness.

But too often, i think there are too many dealbreakers. Also, what if you had happened to stay single for a long time (You are married right?).** I would think you’d have to change your standards and might find a surprise amongst some overweight ginger**🙂
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Lol no, that’s just not my personal type. I know I could never marry someone I wasn’t attracted to. I’d rather have stayed single forever, though I doubt that would happen. There are a lot of great women/men out there, you just gotta know where to look!
 
I would ask myself this question (well, I am single, I have asked myself this question)

Can I see my life getting to a point where my life is not complete without this person?
 
WingsOfEagles said:
They do have a connection because of the way in which the poster presented her opinions.

"Not trying to be racist here, but most “white men” I have known tend to like grotesquely thin women who would be technically underweight. My husband (not white) likes me to be how I am now, which is very curvy.

Anyway, if you do break up with her, can you give her some advice for me: try hispanic men or african american men because they (usually)like curvy women. If she discovers how beautiful hispanic men make her feel, she will never go back."

This statement to try a Hispanic man next time makes little sense when in the other thread she is complaining that Hispanic men treat their wives as slaves. When it was argued that it could be just a personality quirk of her husband, she stated that she doubted it because she had a friend in a similar situation. Her position on that thread makes little sense with her statement on this one about how wonderful a Hispanic man will make a woman feel.

If she had simply said, not all men care if a woman has some curves; my husband doesn’t mind, her opinions wouldn’t necessarily contradict one another.
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wow, I feel like big brother(sister) is watching me or something.

I’m sorry, did you all want me to just flat out say that I hate every Hispanic man including my husband and that they are not fit to live in order to be consistent with my other threads?

You probably missed the point of everything I’ve ever said, so don’t worry about it. Hispanic men may have tendencies, but there are extremes to everything and exceptions to everything. White men have some seriously scary tendencies which I won’t go into, but the extremes of those that I have been in relationships with was far worse than any chauvinism I’ve had to deal with coming from Hispanic men.
 
AnaTurin said:
wow, I feel like big brother(sister) is watching me or something.

I’m sorry, did you all want me to just flat out say that I hate every Hispanic man including my husband and that they are not fit to live in order to be consistent with my other threads?

You probably missed the point of everything I’ve ever said, so don’t worry about it. Hispanic men may have tendencies, but there are extremes to everything and exceptions to everything. White men have some seriously scary tendencies which I won’t go into, but the extremes of those that I have been in relationships with was far worse than any chauvinism I’ve had to deal with coming from Hispanic men.
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Well, if it’s not that bad I wouldn’t personally be making posts about how if I had known what my husband was really like, I would have never married him. You cited cultural differences as being one of the biggest issues. I don’t think you can put all white men under the same blanket; there are too many varieties (Irish, Russian, Welsh, French, Italian, etc.). I also think it’s misguided to excuse a husband’s behavior as being a result of his culture but 🤷

Have you considered getting counseling? It really sounds like you have a strong tendency towards men who treat you poorly. I’m beginning to think that their races have little to do with it. More like a “radar” that is a bit broken. I had a friend in h.s. whose father was horrible and she went through man after man who treated her awful.
 
I’m glad to see an honest and thoughtful discussion of this topic. Too often, all one hears are unrealistic “Looks don’t matter - it’s what’s inside that counts” platitudes that no one really believes, but many feel compelled to repeat, perhaps out of (unwarranted) feelings of guilt.

I’m a very physically unattractive guy, yet I agree that appearance is a legitimate factor in selecting a mate. I can tell you, though, that it’s like a punch in the gut every time I hear a woman talk about what physical traits she’s looking for in a man, because almost all of them are the exact opposite of mine. It’s almost as if she’s talking directly to me, telling me why she doesn’t want me.

But, yes, that’s the way God made us. I just figure it’s His way of improving the species, and that some of us are not meant to reproduce. It’s hard, but that’s the way the world is, and saying that it shouldn’t be that way doesn’t help anyone.
 
Physical attraction is actually very important in relationships. That is one reason why God made us attracted to the opposite sex. If you aren’t attracted to someone, it is hard to really show them the love that they deserve. A woman first of all, wants to be loved and told that she is beautiful, and if her man doesn’t think she is beautiful, well she deserves someone who will think she is absolutely the most beautiful woman that was ever put on the earth! And same goes for you, if you just aren’t feeling it, then God probably has someone else for you…as hard as that is to think about. When you are with your soulmate, you won’t have to think of the “I could do better” thoughts.

Maybe you should just stay as friends…if you are able to do that. That is one blessing of chastity because it allows you to see the person for who they are and let them go without any emotional/sexual strings attached.

I know this because it has happened to me before. I dated a really good friend but I didn’t think he was that attractive and time went on, and he still didn’t get any more attractive. I just wasn’t feeling it. He was a great guy but I knew he just wasn’t for me. He deserved someone that thought he was the most handsome guy they knew. And now I am very glad I didn’t settle because there are other amazing guys out there! And I think God puts that in relationships when you are with THE ONE :).

Also, if being fit for you is important, as time goes on you are not going to be very happy when she doesn’t want to go and exercise with you. Plus don’t you want someone who shares the same interests that will want to go on a run or bike ride or something with you? I mean, I don’t know if she does or not, but it is another thing to think about.
 
Becky127 said:
I know this because it has happened to me before. I dated a really good friend but I didn’t think he was that attractive and time went on, and he still didn’t get any more attractive. I just wasn’t feeling it.
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The problem with feelings is this: there are different possibilities:-
  1. You might not feel it
  2. You might feel it after some time
  3. You might stop feeling it
In general, feelings change. And I am thinking of one secular woman who was defending divorce by saying that she wasn’t feeling anything for the man anymore.
 
ExCatholicGuy said:
I’m glad to see an honest and thoughtful discussion of this topic. Too often, all one hears are unrealistic “Looks don’t matter - it’s what’s inside that counts” platitudes that no one really believes, but many feel compelled to repeat, perhaps out of (unwarranted) feelings of guilt.

I’m a very physically unattractive guy, yet I agree that appearance is a legitimate factor in selecting a mate. I can tell you, though, that it’s like a punch in the gut every time I hear a woman talk about what physical traits she’s looking for in a man, because almost all of them are the exact opposite of mine. It’s almost as if she’s talking directly to me, telling me why she doesn’t want me.

But, yes, that’s the way God made us. I just figure it’s His way of improving the species, and that some of us are not meant to reproduce. It’s hard, but that’s the way the world is, and saying that it shouldn’t be that way doesn’t help anyone.
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Research shows that more women can get past looks than men. Don’t give up! :gopray2:
 
wow, difficult question. I don’t know an easy answer but you could try one of the following “tests” (after asking God to guide your thoughts):
  • imagine growing old together with her. Does that thought cause you joy and gladness, or worry and anxiety? This, I think, is a good test of whether there is potential for a happy marriage.
  • imagine a friend comes to you with the same dilemma and asks you for advice - what would you say to him?
    St. Ignatius uses this as question to help people discern between celibacy and marriage, but maybe it’s applicable for you too.
Also, I don’t intend to be moralistic, but maybe go easy on too intense kissing before marriage 🙂

God bless,

guardai in alto
 
“What’s on the inside that counts” is true; if you are a truly good person that’s far more important than if you look good or not.

I’m sure we all agree on that. I just think the phrase is taken out of context to mean all sorts of things it wasn’t supposed to. 🤷

Attraction is important to dating, but maybe my personality is just that I can’t see myself dating somebody unless I’m sure I’m completely interested.

I suppose my attitude is just different.
 
Here’s a question, then.
What if the man looks feminine or the woman looks masculine?
 
I’m a man, about 30, and I think I can help.

Do you worship your body? You can’t control it as well as you might think you can.
Weight gain can hit for a number of reasons including: your metabolism slows down,
late onset diabetes, etcetera. We are NOT to worship our bodies, money, sex, food, etcetera.

Define what is physical attractiveness to you. The biological purpose of physical attraction is that it hopefully brings together healthy people. This is not to say that all physically attractive women are in fact healthy.

Another tip, you may need to see a psychiatrist about anxiety or depression. Why are you worried about what other people think of you so much when you are around her?

Tip three, when a man dates a woman he either has to marry her or dump her. If it is
the former, get there in a reasonable amount of time. If the latter and you know it, spare
her the agony of a long relationship that just ends by breaking up with her and leaving her alone.

If everything seems right except the appearance, consider offering to support her
attempts to lose weight if she will support you as you work to overcome your insecurity.

What is her ethnicity and what is a normal body type for her? What she considers fat may not be. Some women are heavy boned and thus heavier set than others.

What I advise against is two insecure people trying to marry. I don’t know about her,
but I get the impression that you yourself are very insecure.

Most men our age are insecure though. How are you doing as far as discernment
of vocation? Do you feel strongly that you are to marry someone? Would you love
this woman if she were third degree burned and disfigured? Do you feel fortunate
knowing her? If you feel you can do better, it is either depression/anxiety talking or
you know what you need to do. If you have to break up with her, do it soon and be
gentle. If you are insecure because of a bad relationship that ended less than 2+
years ago, level with this woman that you are emotionally impaired and need to
heal and tell her how long you think it will take to heal so she can decide what to do
and get on with her life regardless of whether that includes you or nor.
 
I was married to a man who was fit and quite handsome. I am overweight. I have struggled with it my whole life. I KNEW my ex preferred thinner women and over the course of 22 years my weight became a major issue in our marriage. It infiltrated everything. That said, we are now divorced, annulled etc.
I’ve dated for the last three years all sorts of men but generally sticking to “my type”, handsome, fit men. I’ve been treated poorly and because of my own issues accepted this as the trade off.
I was set up with a man three months ago who was everything I had secretly prayed for. Godly, giving, shared views, shared hobbies etc. The only thing missing? Attraction. We had a wonderful time when we went out but I left the date not attracted. I shared my thoughts with my daughter, 18, who suggested I go out with him some more. I did. My fondness for him grew and as we continued and I realized I had truly found someone to whom my weight and everything else about me was totally accepted, I grew to love him. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Forget what others think and concentrate on what is important to you, if it’s looks, then let her go, for the BOTH of you. Neither will be happy later. If all the attributes you mentioned she had are what matters most then be proud of what you’ve found. That is what I’ve learned and I couldn’t be happier or more proud of my man when we step out.
 
EasternWestern said:
Outstanding post, and thought-provoking.

You’re right, she would make a king of me. And I understand when you speak of the pearl of great price.

In terms of the “keep looking,” as I mentioned in earlier post, I really seldom “click” with another person on this level. In fact, I never have in the past. It’s tough to pass her up.

Anyway, I have to weigh all these things out…
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The next time you go out with her and you think of what people are thinking concerning what she is not, maybe you ought to try “answering” those with your knowledge of what she is, and how proud anyone who knows her would be to have her on his arm. If you saw her with someone else, after all, would you not feel a pang, since you do know what he has that you don’t?

That thought right there might tell you a lot…if you saw her with someone who prized her, would you simply be happy for her or would you feel a bit jealous, too? If you’d only be happy for her, but not wish to have her back, that’s an answer. If the thought makes you a bit jealous or makes you kick your future self, though…:rolleyes: I suggest this because I both married someone who was “passed over” because he’s not a model and yet I also have passed on dating someone I think is first rate but just didn’t click with. I can say I was nothing but thrilled when Mr. “We Didn’t Click” found himself a lovely wife. He’s a wonderful guy, he should have a wife who adores him, but it was never going to be me.

Oh, and if you think she just needs to wear stuff that is a bit more becoming, I will tell you that my prince takes me shopping, so he can buy me stuff he likes. Not every woamn would go for this, but I like it because I don’t like shopping for myself. He hates those salesladies that tell me everything looks good when some things are obviously more becoming than others, too. He is careful not to say, “that makes you look fat”, but rather says things like, “I don’t like how that hangs on you. I’ve got in mind what will really flatter you, and I’m not satisfied with that. I know the color (feel/fabric/etc) feels good, but I think we can find something you’ll like even better.” Your lady might not go for it. If not, let it drop. Don’t imply that she’s not competent to dress herself, only that you’d enjoy it if she’d “share her crayons” with you…but that is probably something that needs to wait until you are committed to a serious courtship.
 
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