How not to be a creep

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mrajax

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Well this is pretty much what this thread is going to be about, on how not to be a creep. To clear things up, I’ve met people who have been proper creeps in my past and I’ve seen others who say things that frankly make me want to slap them they are so disgusting.

I’m asking this because in my pursuit of making friends I want to avoid engaging in inappropriate behaviour intentional or unintentional and over thinking my relationships with people or desiring friendships in a bad way. In fact i cringe whenever I read my older posts.

Also, something that has been bother me a lot and please be honest with me: I feel that because I revealed so much about myself, so many of insecurities I feel that the way people perceive me on these forums is well, a negative perception. The reason I reveal so much here is because of the anomity plus the general friendliness and good advice everyone here has, something I can’t really get in real life. Without doing so I would never have discovered so many thing about myself and how wrong they were.
 
I find, generally, that creeps are people who cross over boundaries. They say things for shock value, or as a catharsis (get something off their chest). Both reasons ultimately make a conversation about them. So, you’re standing there thinking “wow, I’m really uncomfortable…” lol.

I like the book “Safe People” by Townsend/Cloud. They talk about this a lot.
 
To talk about a few of my experiences with creeps, one thing I should mention first is that I am a 20 year old guy. The reason i mention this is because I’ve talked to many people online who seem to think that only women or mostly women suffer form creeps. Whilst it is true that many unfortunately suffer from them men have it tough too, especially when you live in a society that looks down on young people and and that has so many selfish parents raising their children wrong.

Once I was walking around an old city enjoying myself and the sights when I entered a restaurant an dordered some food. I was the only customer except for this old guy, 65-70 years in range who simply standing there staring at me. I tried ignoring him until I asked him if he wanted something. He just came and sat at the same tabkle as me. We talked a bit, he asked me what I was doing in general asked me where I live. I simply told him the name of a fake city and I talked a bit on general topics in order to not seem rude. He simply nodded and said yes, uh huh, that’s nice. After I payed and left, this guy started following me at a distance. Bleugh. I did everything I could and lost him eventually and got on the bus home after that. Never again did I resolve to tlak to strange old men hanging around the place.

A few years ago I had a ‘friend’. I say ‘friend’ not because he did anything bad to me. On the contrary he was OK and had a tendency to be friendly although frankly I think he was mentally challenged. He came from a broken home yes, had difficulty learning in school and didn’t know basic social norms. In my old school the teachers essentially told me and another friend to spend time with him because nobody ever did. We tried but we just didn’t have any chemistry. After secondary school was done with, he would come around our house once a month without ever getting invited, either trying to convert me into his religious cult or making me listen to his favorite music. I never invited him and whilst I didn’t have anything against him I just didn’t feel comfortable or had any desire to form a friendship around him. We never had anything to say, I always dreaded his visits and I never understood a single word he said his speech was that slurred. he stopped visiting altogether after I had a visit too many and told him he couldn’t come in today because my parents were busy. I still feel slightly guilty in that maybe I could have been more patient with him, that maybe he needed some better influence in his life. At the same time I don’t know what I could have done for him or if I did the right thing.

Another time, more recent, involved a friend. He was never creepy or anything per se but he would always try to find a way to chat with me on facebook everyday. At first I was ok because this friend is actaully interesting and into the same stuff I like but I was starting to get pissed off when he would do so and after I didn’t reply to a chat request I tihnk he got the message. We’re still friends and we still talk and laugh. I even initiate chats with him and I think he’s a great guy but this should serve as a cautionary tale on how to behave on facebook and on prudence.
 
It’s really important to learn to trust your instincts when it comes to creepy ‘older’ guys like the one you came across in the restuarant. Honestly I believe every person has that inner radar pinging away but some ignore it.

My daughter is 20 and is on customer service at a huge hardware store so every day she has to deal with a significant number of ‘older’ males coming through with their paint and nails and timber. It’s disgusting the number who say really inappropriate things to the young girls on registers. She’s used to it now and just smiles as she vomits on the inside. A guy in his forties tried to get her to go out with him one day. I’m truly a gentle woman… but if I’d been there at the time a swift kick in the editeds would have been the order of that day.
 
I meet creeps every day in the world of banking. Developed a hard shell. I keep to myself and don’t feed the beast. Best to put in the hours, work quietly, and go home. You can’t change them.

People can only make you feel bad if you let them. I think Eleanor Roosevelt is credited with saying that.
 
LongingSoul said:
It’s really important to learn to trust your instincts when it comes to creepy ‘older’ guys like the one you came across in the restuarant. Honestly I believe every person has that inner radar pinging away but some ignore it.

My daughter is 20 and is on customer service at a huge hardware store so every day she has to deal with a significant number of ‘older’ males coming through with their paint and nails and timber. It’s disgusting the number who say really inappropriate things to the young girls on registers. She’s used to it now and just smiles as she vomits on the inside. A guy in his forties tried to get her to go out with him one day. I’m truly a gentle woman… but if I’d been there at the time a swift kick in the editeds would have been the order of that day.
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Being ignored by creeps is one of the perks of getting older.

When I.was younger I have met my fair share of creeps.

Now that I am older, I no longer seem to be in the target age range of these creeps.
 
Speaking of customer service, one of the big ways not to be creepy is not to act as if attractive young retail and wait staff is there for any other reason than to help you find sizes and bring you food. Creepy guys take a lot of advantage of the fact that waitresses and retail workers are required by their jobs to be nice to everybody. I saw a guy doing this to an ice cream seller just this weekend. She was obviously squirming with discomfort while an older guy made totally unnecessary conversation and patted her hand. Some people I know who have a shop had a really bad one this past fall where a guy was pretty much stalking their employee and eventually got into a scuffle with her boyfriend and made threats. That sort of possibility is nearly always at the back of a woman’s head.

In general, proceed with caution before trying to hit on women who can’t leave if they don’t like you. If you must do that, make your pitch, leave your number–then leave and don’t come back unless she responds positively. If it’s your favorite restaurant, maybe it’s not worth it? Bear in mind that you don’t really know people who work in customer service–you know just their “work face,” which may be different than their actual self.

Best wishes!
 
Here’s a thread I posted awhile back after a cluster of experiences with “street creeps” - I’m a lady in my 50s and was fed up. forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=859781

Some of the advice in my thread might be applicable to the dilemma of “how not to be a social creep” - the fact that you care enough to examine your own conscience on the matter speaks well for you. 👍
 
chefmomster2 said:

“The best way I’ve heard…Do Unto Others.”

Unfortunately, the golden rule doesn’t work that well with creepy behavior. The offenders would just LOVE to have attractive young women coming on to them.
 
Xantippe said:
chefmomster2 said:

“The best way I’ve heard…Do Unto Others.”

Unfortunately, the golden rule doesn’t work that well with creepy behavior. The offenders would just LOVE to have attractive young women coming on to them.
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That is my advice to the OP who stated:

“How to avoid being a creep…I want to avoid engaging in inappropriate behaviour intentional or unintentional.”

The OP to avoid becoming a creep himself needs to follow the Golden Rule. I would never suggest that anyone should engage an offender in any way.
 
Xantippe said:
Speaking of customer service, one of the big ways not to be creepy is not to act as if attractive young retail and wait staff is there for any other reason than to help you find sizes and bring you food. Creepy guys take a lot of advantage of the fact that waitresses and retail workers are required by their jobs to be nice to everybody. I saw a guy doing this to an ice cream seller just this weekend. She was obviously squirming with discomfort while an older guy made totally unnecessary conversation and patted her hand. Some people I know who have a shop had a really bad one this past fall where a guy was pretty much stalking their employee and eventually got into a scuffle with her boyfriend and made threats. That sort of possibility is nearly always at the back of a woman’s head.

In general, proceed with caution before trying to hit on women who can’t leave if they don’t like you. If you must do that, make your pitch, leave your number–then leave and don’t come back unless she responds positively. If it’s your favorite restaurant, maybe it’s not worth it? Bear in mind that you don’t really know people who work in customer service–you know just their “work face,” which may be different than their actual self.

Best wishes!
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I agree absolutely with you but me hitting on women? Aside from my total inexperience in flirting let alone hitting on women, I think it’s wrong to merely hit on women. So many men try dating women only for appearances and to be satisfied in their ‘conquests’. Many I think do hit on women in order to get a potential long term girlfriend, I don’t think that’s wrong
but isn’t approaching someone in order to nab them creepy? Isn’t what the old creep tried doing with me?
 
I’ve got a lot of sympathy and patience for creeps, even sexual creeps.

I believe our society makes it tough for people to learn to interact socially. . . and that women BY FAR have ENORMOUS advantages here. . . just consider the beneficial effects of working as a babysitter while a youth (you learn do act as an authority toward the children, you learn to deal with the family and the parents, etc.; a boy at the same age is slopping the hogs or mowing weeds). Women just get more advantage to develop social skills.

And boys get wasted by the screens.
 
When I was 15 I told my dad about this girl that I liked but was too scared to talk to. He of course gave me some stupid advice he probably got out some dude magazine. Some **** about confidence or something. I was smart enough not to listen to him.

So I approached my mom. Her advice was to (paraphrasing) not be the typical hormonal teenager- to first view her as an individual with emotions and not some object of sexual desire. And to initiate conversation I was supposed to find something external or superficial to bring up: “Oh hey you like Green Day too?” and to go from there. To listen, to be self-deprecating, and to observe her expressions to make sure I wasn’t overstepping any boundaries or boring her to tears. That was over a decade ago, but it was something along those lines.

Anyway I never did talk to the girl. But that advice served me very well later on. I’ve been called a lot of different things but as far as I know I never got the “creep” tag.
 
mrajax said:

“but isn’t approaching someone in order to nab them creepy? Isn’t what the old creep tried doing with me?”

It’s creepy to invade people’s personal space, to take advantage of the fact that a person is trapped at work and can’t escape, or to not take no or silence for an answer.

If you’re not doing that stuff, you’re probably fine.

I think working on observing social cues is really important–that’s the advanced course. Is this person just being polite or are they actually interested in what I’m saying? Am I overstaying my welcome?
 
pessimist said:
When I was 15 I told my dad about this girl that I liked but was too scared to talk to. He of course gave me some stupid advice he probably got out some dude magazine. Some **** about confidence or something. I was smart enough not to listen to him.

So I approached my mom. Her advice was to (paraphrasing) not be the typical hormonal teenager- to first view her as an individual with emotions and not some object of sexual desire. And to initiate conversation I was supposed to find something external or superficial to bring up: “Oh hey you like Green Day too?” and to go from there. To listen, to be self-deprecating, and to observe her expressions to make sure I wasn’t overstepping any boundaries or boring her to tears. That was over a decade ago, but it was something along those lines.

Anyway I never did talk to the girl. But that advice served me very well later on. I’ve been called a lot of different things but as far as I know I never got the “creep” tag.
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Beautiful! 🙂
 
Captain_America said:
I’ve got a lot of sympathy and patience for creeps, even sexual creeps.

I believe our society makes it tough for people to learn to interact socially. . . and that women BY FAR have ENORMOUS advantages here. . . just consider the beneficial effects of working as a babysitter while a youth (you learn do act as an authority toward the children, you learn to deal with the family and the parents, etc.; a boy at the same age is slopping the hogs or mowing weeds). Women just get more advantage to develop social skills.

And boys get wasted by the screens.
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You can’t flipping be serious. There are socially awkward women out there too you know.

I was sexually harassed by two school boys from age 13 till 15 when I left school. I was publically humiliated and there was absolutely no good intention or humour from what they did. They were just bullies, nothing more and nothing less who enjoyed seeing me suffer. You cannot condone this type of behaviour; you don’t see two people making out in public and say “oh they’re just showing their love”, nor do you say that somebody is only expressing himself and being frank after insulting you to high heaven. **** sexual creeps, you cannot condone creepy behaviour ever.
 
3DOCTORS said:
Here’s a thread I posted awhile back after a cluster of experiences with “street creeps” - I’m a lady in my 50s and was fed up. forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=859781

Some of the advice in my thread might be applicable to the dilemma of “how not to be a social creep” - the fact that you care enough to examine your own conscience on the matter speaks well for you. 👍
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I read 3DOCTORS’ thread. Then I read this link given in the thread.

kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

Empathy is unfortunately NOT something at which I excel. I do excel at social awkwardness. A blunt blog post like that is just the 2x4 I needed to be smacked with. I will be making some behavioral corrections. Thank you for the link to your thread 3DOCTORS.
 
bsf said:
I read 3DOCTORS’ thread. Then I read this link given in the thread.

kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

Empathy is unfortunately NOT something at which I excel. I do excel at social awkwardness. A blunt blog post like that is just the 2x4 I needed to be smacked with. I will be making some behavioral corrections. Thank you for the link to your thread 3DOCTORS.
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I have to say that article is PRICELESS. Not in the funny sense but in the sense of how right it is. Funny thing is I myself keep this cautious outlook due to the many creepy guys I’ve met. It’s a MUST read.
 
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