How OCD ruins lives

[Norm640]

I have OCD, and I take medication for it. Still, OCD behavior seeps through.

One thing OCD people always need is reassurance. THey are always doubting. This works against him in regards to finding work and keeping a relationship.

In my past I’ve applied for work and never heard anything from them. This hurts because I am always desperate for work, and I feel that it is rude. If I didn’t receive a notice I think that I’m not even good enough to reply to. It ties the loose end.

Recently I applied for a job. They interviewed me for 70 minutes. Then they said that when they heard anything they’d let me know. Well, I waited for 10 days and sent a friendly email to the HR girl who usually was prompt with replies. I just wanted an update. I didn’t hear back from her, so my anxiety and doubt grew.

In an admittedly desperate move, I wrote her on Facebook, simply asking for an update. She blocked me. Now I think I really don’t have the job and I feel worse and worse. So I found one of the people I interviewed with on FB and wrote her, simply asking if they filled the position. Now, all of this behavior I know is overbearing and probably creepy. OCD people are aware of this. This woman never got back to me.

Finally, at the end of the month I wrote a harsh letter to the company, saying that I at least deserved to be told I didn’t get the job. Again, I am not new to this, and I really wanted this job.

The next day I received a message from the HR lady (the one who blocked me on FB and didn’t reply to my other messages) that after “much consideration” I didn’t receive the job. I mean, because of my persistent messaging I had to laugh because I know what a jerk I seemed to be. This letter just seemed like a stock letter…like basically treating me like I wasn’t a human and this whole thing never happened. But then another part of me wondered whether or not I had the job and screwed it up with my behavior.

This, my friends, is OCD. This is the type of person who has OCD- very sensitive, needing closure, always in doubt, and when there is stress in his life, the characteristics get worse.

I had been praying so hard that I would get a good job or find some money, because I have so many debts and people depend on me. Did I screw up God’s plan? But then, doesn’t God know how I am?

Now I am faced with one more unemployment payment, and then I will be completely penniless.

I know I am a menace on this site. Just like I am a menace to everyone in my life, or everyone I come across. I don’t need to be lectured on anything. The whole torture of this disease is that you know what you’re doing is bizarre, but you cannot stop.

It is a living hell.

This is why I always need definitive answers, and why faith is so incredibly hard. I’m not a normal person, I am hypersensitive, fearful, and mostly severely depressed. I screw things up.

So when I come across as a judgmental ‘prick’ to some on here, I cannot help it. It is hard to be optimistic about your life when you know it is ruined. Or that every good thing that may happen to you you will destroy.

If you know anyone like this, please take it easy on them. THey know how they are. They would change everything if they could. We are irredeemable aliens to the rest of the world.

 

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I, too, have OCD. Among other things. See, OCD isn’t my only diagnosis. But I know how incredibly hard it can get. I am also on meds and seeing a doctor regularly. But I haven’t been in individual therapy for it, which I’m beginng to think I need. I also have Major Depression, Anxiety disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. All of them come with their own form of problems. And I’ve yet to meet a doctor who is willing to work with me on what this means and the best way of handling the problems besides just the medication. And it’s been nearly 20 years since I was first hospitalized with this stuff. In fact, I was in the hospital for over a year, and then seeing a doctor for months before I found out that I had more than just the depression. No one had bothered to tell me about it, let alone worked with me on how to better deal with it.

My prayers are with you. And would you pray for me as well?

 

[njlisa]

I offer off this prayer as someone who is permanently disabled and I am in sympathy with you.

Prayer of St. Dymphna

Lord, our God, you graciously chose St. Dymphna as patroness of those afflicted with mental, emotional. and nervous disorders. She is thus an inspiration and a symbol of charity to the thousands who ask her intercession.

Please grant, Lord, through the prayers of this pure youthful martyr, relief and consolation to all suffering such trials, and especially those for whom we pray.

We beg you, Lord, to hear the prayers of St. Dymphna on our behalf. Grant all those for whom we pray patience in their sufferings and resignation to your divine will.

Please fill them with hope, and grant them the relief and cure they so desire.

We ask this through Christ our Lord who suffered agony in the garden. Amen.

 

[Norm640]

There are people that are anti-medication, but please see if you’re on enough of the right kind of medication. I am on 60mg of Paxil, and it does well for me. Stress is when stuff goes sideways…I think your depression and BPD are products of your OCD. I probably have BPD though I haven’t been diagnosed. I know I have depression.

I will pray for you, and I encourage you to pray the Divine Mercy CHaplet. This is a good prayer for the anxiety sufferer. One, it is short, which is good for us because sometimes we have trouble focusing, and two, you receive almost instant grace from it. Pray this, and pray to Mary.

Will pray for you Christy Beth.

Mike

I, too, have OCD. Among other things. See, OCD isn’t my only diagnosis. But I know how incredibly hard it can get. I am also on meds and seeing a doctor regularly. But I haven’t been in individual therapy for it, which I’m beginng to think I need. I also have Major Depression, Anxiety disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. All of them come with their own form of problems. And I’ve yet to meet a doctor who is willing to work with me on what this means and the best way of handling the problems besides just the medication. And it’s been nearly 20 years since I was first hospitalized with this stuff. In fact, I was in the hospital for over a year, and then seeing a doctor for months before I found out that I had more than just the depression. No one had bothered to tell me about it, let alone worked with me on how to better deal with it.

My prayers are with you. And would you pray for me as well?

 

[josie_L]

I offer off this prayer as someone who is permanently disabled and I am in sympathy with you.

Prayer of St. Dymphna

Lord, our God, you graciously chose St. Dymphna as patroness of those afflicted with mental, emotional. and nervous disorders. She is thus an inspiration and a symbol of charity to the thousands who ask her intercession.

Please grant, Lord, through the prayers of this pure youthful martyr, relief and consolation to all suffering such trials, and especially those for whom we pray.

We beg you, Lord, to hear the prayers of St. Dymphna on our behalf. Grant all those for whom we pray patience in their sufferings and resignation to your divine will.

Please fill them with hope, and grant them the relief and cure they so desire.

We ask this through Christ our Lord who suffered agony in the garden. Amen.

Amen!

 

[wild_thing]

O Lady of Mental Peace,
Mother of Tranquility and
Mother of Hope,
look upon me in this time
of disquiet and weakness.
Still my restless spirit,
teach my searching heart to know
that God’s love for me
is unchanging and that the suffering
which He may will for me now
is to draw me closer to Him.
Let thy gentle peace and His —
which the world cannot give —
be always with me, that I may
be sanctified: and then:
I beseech thee
for the grace to bring this
peace to others.
Jesus, My Savior, I give myself
entirely to Thee through Mary:
Our Lady of Mental Peace,
pray for me!
Amen.

 

[edwest2]

I have OCD, and I take medication for it. Still, OCD behavior seeps through.

One thing OCD people always need is reassurance. THey are always doubting. This works against him in regards to finding work and keeping a relationship.

In my past I’ve applied for work and never heard anything from them. This hurts because I am always desperate for work, and I feel that it is rude. If I didn’t receive a notice I think that I’m not even good enough to reply to. It ties the loose end.

Recently I applied for a job. They interviewed me for 70 minutes. Then they said that when they heard anything they’d let me know. Well, I waited for 10 days and sent a friendly email to the HR girl who usually was prompt with replies. I just wanted an update. I didn’t hear back from her, so my anxiety and doubt grew.

In an admittedly desperate move, I wrote her on Facebook, simply asking for an update. She blocked me. Now I think I really don’t have the job and I feel worse and worse. So I found one of the people I interviewed with on FB and wrote her, simply asking if they filled the position. Now, all of this behavior I know is overbearing and probably creepy. OCD people are aware of this. This woman never got back to me.

Finally, at the end of the month I wrote a harsh letter to the company, saying that I at least deserved to be told I didn’t get the job. Again, I am not new to this, and I really wanted this job.

The next day I received a message from the HR lady (the one who blocked me on FB and didn’t reply to my other messages) that after “much consideration” I didn’t receive the job. I mean, because of my persistent messaging I had to laugh because I know what a jerk I seemed to be. This letter just seemed like a stock letter…like basically treating me like I wasn’t a human and this whole thing never happened. But then another part of me wondered whether or not I had the job and screwed it up with my behavior.

This, my friends, is OCD. This is the type of person who has OCD- very sensitive, needing closure, always in doubt, and when there is stress in his life, the characteristics get worse.

I had been praying so hard that I would get a good job or find some money, because I have so many debts and people depend on me. Did I screw up God’s plan? But then, doesn’t God know how I am?

Now I am faced with one more unemployment payment, and then I will be completely penniless.

I know I am a menace on this site. Just like I am a menace to everyone in my life, or everyone I come across. I don’t need to be lectured on anything. The whole torture of this disease is that you know what you’re doing is bizarre, but you cannot stop.

It is a living hell.

This is why I always need definitive answers, and why faith is so incredibly hard. I’m not a normal person, I am hypersensitive, fearful, and mostly severely depressed. I screw things up.

So when I come across as a judgmental ‘prick’ to some on here, I cannot help it. It is hard to be optimistic about your life when you know it is ruined. Or that every good thing that may happen to you you will destroy.

If you know anyone like this, please take it easy on them. THey know how they are. They would change everything if they could. We are irredeemable aliens to the rest of the world.

I’ve been hospitalized twice. And believe me, when one doctor entered my room and told me things would improve, I didn’t believe him. I met people who were worse off than I was, which I didn’t think was possible. I ended up going to two support groups, which helped because these people got it. We shared ideas for coping. We encouraged each other.

I asked God where He was. I felt abandoned, but later realized He had been there all along. I lowered my expectations and did what I could. Gradually, very gradually – way too gradually, I slowly began to improve. I chose to get out of bed and did what I could. I found a clinic that would help at a low fee due to my income level. I was severely depressed, hypersensitive and had a high level of anxiety but I kept going. Different medications were tried and I’m feeling some relief now. It’s been a long time. I still don’t react to stress very well, but better than I used to.

God be with you.

 

[Norm640]

If I weren’t on medication, I would be dead. I tried suicide when it first happened. I’ve been like this for 20 years. Fighting it every day wears you down. The stress on me is pretty intense. I feel the need to take care of my father and grandmother, and I have massive debt from my attempt at college (I graduated, but it took 7 years, and then I succumbed to a major OCD episode in grad school). My last job I did very well regarding stress, only to be laid off. Now I’m in real desperate territory.

People take being normal for granted. They take love for granted, they take a good job, and being loved for granted. The loneliness you feel being OCD is indescribable.

I’ve lowered my expectations, but at the same time I am in need of miracles. If not for my mental health, certainly financial.

OCD seems to be like a very long death. You’re not yourself anymore, you are someone else. Your life is over, but you have decades to ride it out.

I am tired.

I’ve been hospitalized twice. And believe me, when one doctor entered my room and told me things would improve, I didn’t believe him. I met people who were worse off than I was, which I didn’t think was possible. I ended up going to two support groups, which helped because these people got it. We shared ideas for coping. We encouraged each other.

I asked God where He was. I felt abandoned, but later realized He had been there all along. I lowered my expectations and did what I could. Gradually, very gradually – way too gradually, I slowly began to improve. I chose to get out of bed and did what I could. I found a clinic that would help at a low fee due to my income level. I was severely depressed, hypersensitive and had a high level of anxiety but I kept going. Different medications were tried and I’m feeling some relief now. It’s been a long time. I still don’t react to stress very well, but better than I used to.

God be with you.

 

[edwest2]

It wears you down. I’ve been stopped from suicide once and have been suicidal at other times. It’s going on over 30 years. I take what comfort I can. Perhaps you qualify for Medicaid. Considering the length and severity of your illness, you may qualify for SSI, Supplemental Security Income from Social Security. Contact a hospital social worker or a lawyer for advice. I don’t want to take the pills but, like a diabetic, know I have to. During my last emergency room visit, a doctor came up to me, changed a few of my meds and put me on a better track. I thank God for her, though I can’t remember her name.

Peace

 

[Sacredheart1208]

I too have OCD, one thing in this post that caught me was the loneliness. It is a very true aspect of being OCD, I am very afraid of what I do all the time and this causes me to isolate myself from others. OCD makes it living hell when examining your conscience because I think all that I do is a sin. I live in fear of “did I sin?” “I can’t go to mass today!” (daily mass), this keeps me inside my home seeking refuge in books and prayer. The guilt it brings and the torment is horrible. Even now, I feel that saying this is complaining and I feel I am doing something wrong. There is no peace in a persons life who has OCD, every thought, action and word can go for miles in a OCD persons mind.

Being guilty and scared leads to loneliness, I know this all too well. Instead of going to daily mass because I am afraid of receiving Communion unworthily, I stay at home. This might be true for others but it is definitely true for me.

I wouldn’t say long death but I would say a life of torment and a lack of peace of mind and soul. I pester a certain priest friend of mine with the same question over and over year after year because I am tempted to believe different. Its a constant battle that needs to be fought with much prayer and support from others, if that can be found.

If I weren’t on medication, I would be dead. I tried suicide when it first happened. I’ve been like this for 20 years. Fighting it every day wears you down. The stress on me is pretty intense. I feel the need to take care of my father and grandmother, and I have massive debt from my attempt at college (I graduated, but it took 7 years, and then I succumbed to a major OCD episode in grad school). My last job I did very well regarding stress, only to be laid off. Now I’m in real desperate territory.

People take being normal for granted. They take love for granted, they take a good job, and being loved for granted. The loneliness you feel being OCD is indescribable.

I’ve lowered my expectations, but at the same time I am in need of miracles. If not for my mental health, certainly financial.

OCD seems to be like a very long death. You’re not yourself anymore, you are someone else. Your life is over, but you have decades to ride it out.

I am tired.

 

[Norm640]

Yes, loneliness. That’s the worst part.

I too have OCD, one thing in this post that caught me was the loneliness. It is a very true aspect of being OCD, I am very afraid of what I do all the time and this causes me to isolate myself from others. OCD makes it living hell when examining your conscience because I think all that I do is a sin. I live in fear of “did I sin?” “I can’t go to mass today!” (daily mass), this keeps me inside my home seeking refuge in books and prayer. The guilt it brings and the torment is horrible. Even now, I feel that saying this is complaining and I feel I am doing something wrong. There is no peace in a persons life who has OCD, every thought, action and word can go for miles in a OCD persons mind.

Being guilty and scared leads to loneliness, I know this all too well. Instead of going to daily mass because I am afraid of receiving Communion unworthily, I stay at home. This might be true for others but it is definitely true for me.

I wouldn’t say long death but I would say a life of torment and a lack of peace of mind and soul. I pester a certain priest friend of mine with the same question over and over year after year because I am tempted to believe different. Its a constant battle that needs to be fought with much prayer and support from others, if that can be found.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I’ve battled depression since the age of 7. I’ll be 52 next month. As for my other illnesses, I have no idea when, exactly, they got started. Probably early on as well. Yes, it’s been a lonely life. I’ve made a few friends here and there. But it’s never lasted very long. We moved several times as I was growing up, and no my dad wasn’t in the military. I was dumb enough to join the Army when I was 19. Talk about women bashing!! That sure didn’t help matters much. Then there’s the time with my ex. He was one of the worst things that happened to me. I think that my marriage to him help make matters worse. This is a crazy world. Funny thing, though. Despite a suicide attempt while on active duty, and all the discrimination, the VA doesn’t see my time in service, or the years right after that, as a problem. Sometimes I think they are crazier than I am.

 

[Norm640]

I probably had OCD my entire life but wasn’t diagnosed until I was 31. I worried incessantly to the point I got sick, and was extremely sensitive. I remember at around age 10 feeling a lot of depression and sadness.

All I’m asking God for now is some sort of financial security for my family. Because we desperately need it. Though I’ve not made peace with the fact that I am unlovable and am terminally alone, I have to let it go. I have to. But I need money. And I can’t keep letting my OCD ruin my chances at work.

The fight never ends.

I’ve battled depression since the age of 7. I’ll be 52 next month. As for my other illnesses, I have no idea when, exactly, they got started. Probably early on as well. Yes, it’s been a lonely life. I’ve made a few friends here and there. But it’s never lasted very long. We moved several times as I was growing up, and no my dad wasn’t in the military. I was dumb enough to join the Army when I was 19. Talk about women bashing!! That sure didn’t help matters much. Then there’s the time with my ex. He was one of the worst things that happened to me. I think that my marriage to him help make matters worse. This is a crazy world. Funny thing, though. Despite a suicide attempt while on active duty, and all the discrimination, the VA doesn’t see my time in service, or the years right after that, as a problem. Sometimes I think they are crazier than I am.

 

[edarlitrix]

Praying. Thanks for sharing, Mike, it means a lot to me.

 

[Mary777_S777]

My brother has severe OCD and I feel sorry for him. I try my best to get along with him and to get through to him but he is so stubborn and difficult to talk to and then we end up arguing. A LOT!!!. He is on so much medication that he has gotten very forgetful. His short term memory is bad. You could tell him something and then he forgets and insists your wrong and he is right. He has a lot of anger and bitterness. Everyone says they can only take him in short doses because after talking to him you feel as if you have been working in a coal mine for ten hours. He takes all your energy and leaves you exhausted. He takes EVERYTHING out on me. I am overly sensitive and he knows how to hurt me and he hurts me a lot.

I feel really sorry for him because I know he doesn’t want to be the way he is but he won’t do anything to help himself. Right now his only son hasn’t talked to him for about 3 months. He has 3 beautiful grandsons that he can’t see and it is breaking his heart. My brother messed that up really bad. He went to his son’s house and caused a scene ( believe me, I have scene and been on the receiving end of his rages) He flies into a rage and doesn’t know how to handle his anger. His voice could raise the dead!!! He has come to my own door banging and screaming really loud. He won’t let things go and he will call over and over again until he drives you nuts and then insist he only called once and refuses to believe you even if you show him on your call display how many times he actually called. I think he turns things around in his mind because he can’t face the reality of what really happened. His son says he doesn’t want his children around that. My brother has been on disability and workmen’s comp since he was 40 years old. He hurt his back at work. He has money because he doesn’t like to spend his money. He is really tight with his money. He doesn’t go anywhere. I found a group for him after years of trying to make him understand that he needs more than medication. I spent an hour on the phone calling around until I found the right group. I picked up all the information for him. He finally went after months of thinking about it. It’s a mood management group. I pray that it helps. Me and my sister have been trying to get him to go out or to at least find some kind of hobby or activity to help his mind. Crossword puzzles, reading or anything. He doesn’t know how to use the computer, he doesn’t know how to text, he doesn’t even know how to use the camera on his cell phone. He can’t concentrate long enough to comprehend what he reads. He is on so much strong medication that it seems to have turned his brain to mush. I feel sorry for him and for anyone with OCD and I thank God everyday that I don’t have it. I also pray for patience but it is really hard because of his temper and his insults towards me. Being sick is one thing but being verbally and emotionally abusive is something else. A person can only take so much. How can I deal with him? I call him everyday to check on him but he starts arguments as soon as I start talking. If I open the conversation with “Hi. What are you doing?” He say in an angry tone. " NOTHING. WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW" And I tell him it’s just my way of starting a conversation and then it goes down hill from there. Believe me, I am trying to be easy on him. What can I do to get through to him?

 

[pollylodges]

Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

 

[esieffe]

Im not sure what all I have, but it is not neuro-typical. My life would be trash without meds. I have had to battle my entire life to reach a level of normalcy that allows me to hold a job and function as a normal person would.

You are all in my prayers.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

 

[Norm640]

Suggest therapy to him in a non threatening manner. Don’t scold him or pity him, talk about therapy like it is no big deal, just an idea. In a couple of days or weeks or month after he ruminates about it and analyzes it will become his idea. OCD people hate change. They have to be exposed to things slowly. If you give him loads of support and respect he will respond if he knows he is acting like that. However, if he doesn’t know how he looks, or thinks that his behavior is just, then he has ocpd, which is a personality disorder. That is harder to treat. But real ocd people want help, they are just hurt and embarrassed by their behavior. They have low self esteem. Respect his pain and be gentle, if it is ocpd you have a taller order, but the same rules apply. God bless you.

My brother has severe OCD and I feel sorry for him. I try my best to get along with him and to get through to him but he is so stubborn and difficult to talk to and then we end up arguing. A LOT!!!. He is on so much medication that he has gotten very forgetful. His short term memory is bad. You could tell him something and then he forgets and insists your wrong and he is right. He has a lot of anger and bitterness. Everyone says they can only take him in short doses because after talking to him you feel as if you have been working in a coal mine for ten hours. He takes all your energy and leaves you exhausted. He takes EVERYTHING out on me. I am overly sensitive and he knows how to hurt me and he hurts me a lot.

I feel really sorry for him because I know he doesn’t want to be the way he is but he won’t do anything to help himself. Right now his only son hasn’t talked to him for about 3 months. He has 3 beautiful grandsons that he can’t see and it is breaking his heart. My brother messed that up really bad. He went to his son’s house and caused a scene ( believe me, I have scene and been on the receiving end of his rages) He flies into a rage and doesn’t know how to handle his anger. His voice could raise the dead!!! He has come to my own door banging and screaming really loud. He won’t let things go and he will call over and over again until he drives you nuts and then insist he only called once and refuses to believe you even if you show him on your call display how many times he actually called. I think he turns things around in his mind because he can’t face the reality of what really happened. His son says he doesn’t want his children around that. My brother has been on disability and workmen’s comp since he was 40 years old. He hurt his back at work. He has money because he doesn’t like to spend his money. He is really tight with his money. He doesn’t go anywhere. I found a group for him after years of trying to make him understand that he needs more than medication. I spent an hour on the phone calling around until I found the right group. I picked up all the information for him. He finally went after months of thinking about it. It’s a mood management group. I pray that it helps. Me and my sister have been trying to get him to go out or to at least find some kind of hobby or activity to help his mind. Crossword puzzles, reading or anything. He doesn’t know how to use the computer, he doesn’t know how to text, he doesn’t even know how to use the camera on his cell phone. He can’t concentrate long enough to comprehend what he reads. He is on so much strong medication that it seems to have turned his brain to mush. I feel sorry for him and for anyone with OCD and I thank God everyday that I don’t have it. I also pray for patience but it is really hard because of his temper and his insults towards me. Being sick is one thing but being verbally and emotionally abusive is something else. A person can only take so much. How can I deal with him? I call him everyday to check on him but he starts arguments as soon as I start talking. If I open the conversation with “Hi. What are you doing?” He say in an angry tone. " NOTHING. WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW" And I tell him it’s just my way of starting a conversation and then it goes down hill from there. Believe me, I am trying to be easy on him. What can I do to get through to him?

 

[Trishie]

God bless you, Norm.
As painful as aspects of your life are for you, it shows a blessed spirit, a good person, to use knowledge of his affliction to assist or advise others so kindly.
It’s not much fun for you, but it’s Christlike to put your own frustration and pain aside to help others.

I know you think little of yourself sometimes/often, that you feel misplaced and left out, but if you see yourself as nothing much, or feel others see you that way, there’s some verses I once wrote comes to mind regarding you, especially the bolded lines. I mightn’t respond to all your posts but I know you’re there. I’ve got the hang of how hard it is for you, and see you differently than you see yourself and probably also differently from lots of people in your life. Think of that once in a while perhaps.

Understanding

My dear, I love you,
but the reasons matter not.
One cannot argue with the fact of love
which is entirely of the stuff of God.

Yet, my dear, we sometimes seem estranged!
my thought and heart have failed to closely match your own
and we leave each other alien for a while–
even wounded for life–
though both are imaged in love of the same eternal God!

The wonder perhaps is that we meet at all
for each created being is possessed of logic,
of identity unique within itself
which only appears reflected in others’ lives and thoughts
for none can know or judge but by a private consciousness.

Each soul remains hidden within divine Love’s mysteries
manifest in wondrous individual expression.
It is a whole world, formed and blessed,
and burdened with heavy crosses, perhaps?
a world in value, goodness and giving apparently slight?
yet perhaps its’ all–the sum of what God grants it
for His own secret delight!

After death many surprises await,
of treasure buried in simple human hearts
concealed perhaps in ugly shapes, foolish deeds and ordinary lives
and in lives that others might choose to brush aside or to crush
as crippled, useless, unbalanced, peculiar, unwanted, unworthy…

**He miniaturizes His special created delights sometimes–
persons negligible even to themselves.
And it pleases Him that our least ones He shall exalt
before the vast and great and good.
**
From God alone
comes union and mutual understanding of souls, minds and hearts.
True comprehension waits upon the fullness of eternal communion, begun in Eucharist.
Until then I only know, like you, the truths as I allow Him
to speak them in my limited, biased self.

I cannot know and love you, dear, nor you myself,
unless God grants this gift.
This does not mean that I do not love you.
Just that I love the best that I can.
Forgive me all the rest. And I, you too.