Male perspective here.
First of all, the ladies have generally done a great job in giving you advice. For the most part, they have been positive, honest and open. Well done, Ladies.
I’ll give you my ideas from the men’s side. I’ve been married slightly longer than you, have more children and also home school. So, our experiences are close. My wife stays home with the children and I work.
When I get home from work, I often cook dinner (not because I have to, but because I love to. I have fresh veggies and herbs growing that I like to experiment with. During much of our marriage my wife did the cooking, but now I’ve kind of taken that over.), I also take over much of the care for the two babies we have. I’ll often feed them, bathe them if they need it and play with them – read books, or just have fun. They are my own little selfish pleasure. I hate days when I don’t get to be with them for some time.
I handle much of the teaching and discipline of the three year old as well. I’ve begun to catechize her in the faith – my wife is of a different wing of the Christian church, so all the teaching falls on me – by mutual agreement.
Much of the time in the evening my wife is just sitting on the couch with the computer. I don’t begrudge her this, it’s just a point of data for my view – and, by the way, this is getting to the topic of the OP, just painting a long winded picture here. My wife does often spend a good deal of time reading to our three-year old before bed. I’m not suggesting she’s just tuning out, only showing that I’m pretty involved in family life when I get home from work.
Once the little three children go to bed, and stay down, I can finally relax. This is usually 8:30 – on a good day. Our three-year old is stubborn and self-willed. Or, our teenage boys may have activities that require someone getting them from. Evenings are busy.
My wife goes out with friends several nights a week – not every week, but most. Usually this is before the kids go to bed. Again, this isn’t a sore spot with me – she’s welcome to go and I’m quite competent to deal with the kids. Just another point of data. I can’t remember the last night where I went and did something for myself.
That gets to the start of my actual point as opposed to just blathering on. I am a person who receives and gives love primarily in acts of service. It is how I am wired. I know that is not how my wife is wired. She is more of the security type. Neither way is right or wrong, mind you, just how we are built.
So, to me part of sex is the act of giving. It means that sex is more than bonding to me, it is one of the primary ways I perceive being loved. I am not stupid enough to believe it goes the other way for my wife – she’s not wired that way. I have to communicate in her world just like she does in mine.
We don’t have much sex anymore. Not that she isn’t willing to let me have a few minutes every couple of days if I wanted. I don’t. Not because she isn’t desirable to me, but because she does not let me really connect with her. It wasn’t always, but right now sex is uncomfortable for her. That means neither one of us enjoys it – she, obviously a lot less than me. I hate to see the look on her face – what used to be a wonderful thing is now a torture for us both. So, I can relate to your husband there. If you’re unable – or unwilling – to be part of it (even if it doesn’t end with a bang, so to speak ) it isn’t worth anything.
For me, as well as some other men from what I gather, there is a strange thing with sex. Once I’ve gone two weeks or so without it, the physical and mental urges diminish. It begins to take a second place in my drives. The day after sex, however, those drives are so strong it is hard to control them. It’s like the hormones turn on and are strong, but degrade over a few days. So, very two weeks is the worst possible timing. I’m just getting used to not thinking about sex and boom, back to square one.
I don’t ask for sex – ever. It seems that my wife will feel like I need it, or see something in me that makes her think I need it and arouse me. Many times, even then, I would turn her down but she seems to think I’m rejecting her – not the guilt that accompanies the two minutes of physical pleasure.
The bottom line, as far as I’m concerned, is that the sexual health of the couple (that is, both of them) is a good barometer of the health of the marriage. I know for us when we’ve both been most content is when the sex has been best for both. They go hand in hand. I do not believe you can have a good marriage when you’re both unhappy with sex.
I have even taken medication that has side effects of removing my ability to perform, just as an excuse. I can’t take the other side-effects, though and got off it. That’s how much I hate the current situation. I can feel you’re husband’s pain as well. You are rejecting him in the way he probably receives love. You are withholding yourself from him as punishment for his behavior. You are driving him away from you.
Love is not an emotion, but there can be an emotional aspect to love. If you do things that cause him to lose that aspect, your relationship will be weaker. It doesn’t mean he’ll leave, or cheat, but it does mean you’ll be robbing him (and yourself) of something that enriches a marriage.
Once it’s gone, it’s hard to get back. Ask yourself how long you think you two will live together. Then, ask yourself what type of life you want. You can be a couple or people living separate lives. I know which I preferred.
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