How often should we forgive?

  • Thread starter Thread starter rkberlin
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
R

rkberlin

Guest
Peace!
Upon telling my last pastor in the US that my husband had cheated on me, he said “Jesus said to forgive 7 x70 times” (or was is 70x7?, sorry, I keep on forgetting…)
Well, I forgave dh for his 4 affairs, so he went out and had another…Stupid me, i forgive him again, hoping themarriage could be saved…then he tells me he had lost all respect for me (what little he had) when I forgave him. I told Father, “one more time, I’m leaving”. Well, father said I shouldn’t. And I still didn’t. We were grographically separated, because of our jobs, but this was supposed to be temporary. NOw he tells me he has a new lover (he said girlfriend, but I can’t call this skank that). Turns out she’s the one he had cheated on me with first- 10 years ago, when I was pregnant. Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t keep on forgiving. Maybe I will forgive eventually, but I can’t be with this man anymore, right? He contracted syphillis, and all sorts of other nasty stuff, never told me and exposed me (and the unborn baby back then) to potentially life threatening diseases. Ok, sorry, this was long.
Now my questions: Am I morally obligated to keep trying to save this marriage? He wants out, wants a divorce. Says he’s been wanting a divorce for over 8 years…I can’t force him to love me or respect me, and I shouldn’t have to keep living like this, right? My kids see his alcoholic, womanizing behavior and they’re shocked! Poor babies, i hope they come out of this unscarred. Can i call my parish for advice? Our pastor is a very busy man, and I don’t want to bother him. So far, I only brought up these things in confession, I feel bad making an extra appointment for this. He has the sick and lonely to tend to, and at least I have my kids. I doN#t know…I don’t want to get divorced, I said “I do”, and I wanted to live through everything- good and bad- with him. But he hates me now! I’m so confused…
Any ideas? Thanks
God bless
rk
 
You should do all that YOU can to save your marriage, but you can’t force him to do the same. Let him file (if you take the validity to a tribunal they’ll at least know that you didn’t initiate the divorce which is a sign that you tried to save your marriage, imho, but I’m not a canon lawyer). Forgiving and living with this behaviour are two different things. Must you forgive him? Yes. Remember, we always ask God to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive others, and for you, that includes your husband. But forgiving doesn’t mean living the way that you do now and accepting terrible behaviour.

My mom spent 19 years in a marriage where 16 of those years were spent with my dad dating many, many, many other women. My mom stayed for us, my brother thought she was crazy to stay when he found out about the affairs and eventually my dad asked for a divorce and after it was finalized he realized he didn’t want to be away from his children and asked my mom to let him live with us and have an open relationship. That was the first time she ever said no to him and realized that she’d be okay living on her own. And you know what? My mom is more at peace now than when she was married to my dad. Now, if only she could hurry up with the annulment process and pray that the tribunal realizes that she and my dad entered their marriage with ignorance of what a valid marriage was all about.
 
hi,
thank you for your response. Sounds similar to my relationship with my husband. For the last 6 years I’ve been living with the knowledge that he’d been unfaithful. I really believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again…he even started going to church with us and converted to Catholicism. He’s now already starting to make hints that his lover will leave in July to go back to the US, and maybe we’ll “figure something out then”. I won’t let him back in, as much as it hurts me…I still love him, despite what he’s done against me. I’m scared he’s infected with who knows what, so I can’t risk being with him anymore, for the kids’ sakes, too.
I WILL forgive him, I’m already in the process, and I will forgive myself eventually, too, for not dealing with this gracefully…
Thanks again, I’ll pray for your mom’s decree of nullity to come through, I’ll file for that, too, as soon as the civil divorce is through…
God bless
rk
 
Forgiving him does not mean you should take him back. Forgiveness is about you, it is about letting go of your anger,hatred and despair. Forgiveness will heal you.
 
rkberlin said:
Peace!
Upon telling my last pastor in the US that my husband had cheated on me, he said “Jesus said to forgive 7 x70 times” (or was is 70x7?, sorry, I keep on forgetting…)
Well, I forgave dh for his 4 affairs, so he went out and had another…Stupid me, i forgive him again, hoping themarriage could be saved…then he tells me he had lost all respect for me (what little he had) when I forgave him. Irk
Click to expand...
forgiveness does not mean approving, condoning, or aiding and abetting.
forgiveness without repentence and conversion avails little in terms of salvaging the relationship. In that case it is unilateral and aids the forgiver in their own healing but does not heal the relationship.

forgiveness also does not mean forgetting the causes and effects of the offense or failure to address them

what is needed is education for both parties on the meaning of forgiveness (after a course a remedial course on the meaning of the marriage vows)
 
I’m still working on the “forgiveness” thing.
I civily divorced the cheating liar, but only after he refused to even attempt to save the marriage.
I do not feel guilty at all.
I will not seek an annullment.

Do not put up with this any longer nor subject your children to any more.
Remember, when grown, your children will have only their perceptions of the marriage to base their own marriages on. This will not be a good lesson for them unless you show them that you have self respect.
 
Cats, if you don’t mind answering, why not seek a decree of nullity?

From personal experience, that search in my case has made it much easier to come to terms with everything about myself, my ex-husband, and the years we were married. It hasn’t impacted the children’s status, and they have felt better about it as well. For me it has made the forgiveness path (yes, I’m still working on it as well) easier. I’ll be praying for you. It took me 9 years to come to the decision myself. God bless you and yours.
 
apricot_yogurt said:
Forgiving him does not mean you should take him back. Forgiveness is about you, it is about letting go of your anger,hatred and despair. Forgiveness will heal you.
Click to expand...
Thank you! I feel the same way, just have to get through the feelings of being hurt and the memories that haunt me (golly, what happened, we loved each other SO much!).
Thanks to all of you! I start understanding the 7x70 comment a bit better now…true, I can forgive, yet move on…not what I wanted, but probably best for all of us now.
Catsrus, my cheating liar of a husband also never wanted or stil doesn’t want to go to counselling, he says I could, but why should he (gee, I don’t know, he’s the one with the problem, right?).
I’ll wait for him to file for divorce, I’m not out there looking for a new partner, so I have all the time in the world…besides, the tax break is nice as long as we’re married.
Please keep my children in your prayers that we’ll get through this ok…thanks again
God bless
rk
 
originally posted by Tantum ergo
Cats, if you don’t mind answering, why not seek a decree of nullity?
Click to expand...
three reasons:
#1. We had the marriage sanctified so I could join The Church, and to me, the marriage was forever in the eyes of God.
#2. Sadly, after 17 years, I still love the cheating liar and probably always will; or at least the person he was for the first 15 years.
#3. I don’t ever want to marry again. Ever. He is my husband till death do us part - whether he likes it or not. 😛
 
catsrus said:
three reasons:
#1. We had the marriage sanctified so I could join The Church, and to me, the marriage was forever in the eyes of God.
#2. Sadly, after 17 years, I still love the cheating liar and probably always will; or at least the person he was for the first 15 years.
#3. I don’t ever want to marry again. Ever. He is my husband till death do us part - whether he likes it or not. 😛
Click to expand...
God bless you!
 
RK… I feel for you!

First and foremost you need to get checked out by a doctor to make sure you are disease free. Then you have to stay that way! Don’t let him back into your bed. What would happen to the children if mom couldn’t take care of them because you are sick from whatever he has given you?

Second, no you don’t have to keep taking him back. Forgiving him and letting him treat you like a doormat are 2 different things. You can forgive his affairs and still refuse to live in the same place as him or stay married to him.

Third, you don’t have to wait until he asks for a divorce to get an annulment, but it does make things easier in some cases. Please remember to get a good lawyer and get all the child support orders and custody out of the way first… then work on property settlement.

Fourth, If you are worried about how the kids are going to take it… Family counseling can do wonders, but also make sure they have a good Catholic family man (like a friends husband) in their life…particularly if you have boys.

How do I know? I found out after 12 yrs of marriage my husband was already married to another woman and “forgot” to tell me about it…slipped his mind just like telling me about his child. When they caught up to him for 13 years back child support he panicked and walked out on me. I filed for divorce (after trying to reconcile) and my priest told me to divorce him. I put the kids in family counseling and found friends with kids the same age as mine with a good husband and we hung out together to set a good example for my boys. Eventually I got an annulment and remarried and my children love my new husband. I still don’t get child support because nobody can find him… and he won’t hold down a job so they can find him…
 
Yes, you are obligated to forgive him. No, you are not obligated to allow him back in the door.
See your pastor about an annulment (he is evidently not mature enough to enter into a sacramental marriage) and your lawyer about a divorce. Be sure to get adequate child support.
Good luck. We’ll pray.
Matthew
 
Thanks again to all of you, wonderful food for thought here, I knew I can rely on you guys! You’re awesome!
Catsrus, golly, do I know how you feel! I still love the no good liar…we had our marriage blessed at our 14th anniversary, and later my husband told me he “wasn’t feeling it” then already. I’m shocked? How can he stand in a church, in front of a priest (and worse yet, in front of GOD)? and lie???
I think I’ve already forgiven him again, I feel a little sense of peace again, even though the anger is now starting tomove in, especially when he calls and tells the kids about his excessive partying (which I think is totally inappropriate to tell his 2 girls- age 9 and 12). They don’t need to know about the drinking, and the bed hopping, ew!
As for seeking a decree of nullity? You can do that before a civil divorce? I thought my diocesan flyer said a divorce has to be pushed first. But I’m in Germany anyway, a little different here maybe…
we both didn’t want kids 16 years ago when we got married, didn’t promise to raise potential children in the Catholic faith (he was LDS then), didn’t do any marriage prep classes, who knows? Maybe I’ll get the annullment through faster than I can hope for…
Anyway, thanks again to all of you and your prayers
God bless
rk
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top