How old is "old enough" for marriage?

[FaithBuild18]

I don’t think my situation is normal for my age in the modern times. I was blessed enough to meet the most wonderful woman ever imaginable when I was a freshman in high school. We dated all throughout high school, never broke up or “took breaks” or any of the non-sense you see amongst teens. We’re in the midst of college right now, and I find it amazing to think at my young age of 20 I’ve been dating her for more than one quarter of my life. Honestly I’ve wanted to marry this girl since I was 16. We talk about marriage on a regular basis, and are both embracing the day in which we’re able to marry.

But nobody gets married this young. It’s basically taboo. My parents and grandparents got married around my age, my grandma was actually 2 years younger than I, and this was the norm back then. But now you just can’t do it and be looked at as a functional couple. I feel like my girlfriend and I were born in the wrong time period. We’re both very committed Catholics, and this is just one of the few things that tick us off about modern society. Even if I wanted to marry her tomorrow, which I do, I can’t. Our parents would flip, we can’t afford a house, and we still have years of schooling left before generating an income, especially since the two of us are both proficient students seeking education beyond the undergraduate level. I feel like it isn’t fair. I know that sounds like something an emotional 12 year old girl would say, but I’m really just getting frustrated with this.

I feel like I’m only normal for wanting to marry her, because that’s the way things were for literally thousands of years, but we’d be looked at as outcasts. So how old is old enough for us to marry? Must a marriage contain an elaborate celebration with a hundred guests? I know it technically doesn’t, but practically speaking I feel like that’s the only option. I wish her and I can just get married in private, with just her, me, and a priest, and ignore the rest of the world, but our parents would just disown us more. I feel hopeless, and I feel like I’m going against God by simply dating her for this long without getting married.

 

[UponTheAltar]

I think it is fantastic that you have been together for so long and, I assume, have been engaged for quite some time. That is the way it should be, a long period of dating, then, an engagement period that is also pretty lengthy and then, finally, when you are both secure enough to unite under God in the Sacrament of holy Matrimony, you marry! I would say that it is not that you are too young to Marry but that in this society our “youth” has been prolonged by the institution of almost-mandatory college. A career requires something it didn’t always used to: a degree. So, since you need a career to pay the bills and support a family, you need a degree and thus, must wait longer than those before you who could just go get a good job. Also, society has done a good job at destroying men and what they are supposed to be. Men are portrayed as stupid and incapable; Women are better without them. As slowly over the past decades “men” were transformed into “guys” it has allowed men to indulge in this lazy reality and prolong immaturity. So, with a lack of maturity and a demand for a degree, the standard age has been upped from the much younger norm of past generations. Marriage has been one of the biggest targets for attack over the past century. I would encourage you to finish school and settle down a bit before marrying so that school doesn’t become a thorn in the marriage though. God bless you and keep in there! It will only be more worth while the longer you wait!

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Wow, 20 is too young to get married? I disagree - under 18 seems too young these days.

The thing is, no one can tell when you are “old enough” to get married. You know you are ready for marriage when you understand the commitment and responsibility. I was married at 21, and I had several friends who married at 18. I was actually the older of many of my friends to be married.

Have you thought about going to pre-marital counselling with a catholic consellor or even a priest? They can help you determine if you are ready, although I personally vote for waiting until you are done with college. I did school single and had a much easier time than trying to balance school and marriage now when I am working towards a certification and eventual masters.

This isn’t anyone else’s decision – it’s yours. You are the one who has to live with the consequences of choosing to marry or not to. Just remember: marriage is permanent, and not to be entered into lightly. Pray for wisdom and guidance and God will help you!

Blessings to you!

 

[faithfully]

Hey there,

I’ve lived your situation!

DH and met and started dating in High School (10th grade.) Long story short, I lived at home with my parents until I was 24. Finished my degree that I paid for about 80%, worked part time, and earned scholorship$$. AND well not desirably, get ready, we moved in together the year we were engaged prior to marriage. He needed to finish his vocational schooling. To do it well he needed to be financially supported. So that he could go to school full time, and then practice during his off time (he’s a pro chef). And let me tell you, this made a HUGE difference in his carreer opportunites. But it was NOT in the town his parents lived in, and they did not support his vocational choice. We knew we were going to get married (and would have earlier, except my sister was getting married and it seemed awful to ask dad to pay for 2 weddings in the same summer… or take away from her budget…), no doubt in my mind… although risky… I supported him through 13 months of school… on the contingency that he focused 100% and got straight A’s, therefore resulting in internship of choice, and then job of choice… Which all worked out as planned. We had been together 10 years prior to marriage. (lived together about 1 yr 3 mos. prior to marriage) We just celebrated 14 years of marriage.

I didn’t want to get married until after college. Plus I wanted to go to seperate schools. Since we were high school sweet hearts I didn’t want to make what I perceived as a mistake of marrying into my comfort range. We stayed a couple the entire time. And I feel that we just realized even more, as we weren’t together, that there was NO ONE ELSE out there for either of us.

Anyhow, I don’t doubt your love for each other at all. There really are those of us that JUST KNOW! Honestly, I would talk with your parents, find out their level of support, and perhaps plan something for after your undergrad. Graduation. Grad work can go on forever, and it’s something that (IMO) should also be done along side real “adult” work. (well, depending on the subject… I’m used to be a recruiter in the financial arena… book work is not enough to get hired on really HIGH END jobs)

Also, talk with your priest…

Best to you!!!

 

[FaithBuild18]

I think it is fantastic that you have been together for so long and, I assume, have been engaged for quite some time. That is the way it should be, a long period of dating, then, an engagement period that is also pretty lengthy and then, finally, when you are both secure enough to unite under God in the Sacrament of holy Matrimony, you marry! I would say that it is not that you are too young to Marry but that in this society our “youth” has been prolonged by the institution of almost-mandatory college. A career requires something it didn’t always used to: a degree. So, since you need a career to pay the bills and support a family, you need a degree and thus, must wait longer than those before you who could just go get a good job. Also, society has done a good job at destroying men and what they are supposed to be. Men are portrayed as stupid and incapable; Women are better without them. As slowly over the past decades “men” were transformed into “guys” it has allowed men to indulge in this lazy reality and prolong immaturity. So, with a lack of maturity and a demand for a degree, the standard age has been upped from the much younger norm of past generations. Marriage has been one of the biggest targets for attack over the past century. I would encourage you to finish school and settle down a bit before marrying so that school doesn’t become a thorn in the marriage though. God bless you and keep in there! It will only be more worth while the longer you wait!

No we aren’t engaged. Trust me, I want to be, and so does she. But I honestly don’t think we’re “aloud to.” If our parents found out they’d be distrought, and probably try to convince us to reconsider, seeing as they, like most parents, erroroneously assume they are more “enlightened” than their children. My parents have hardly any spiritual basis, they wouldn’t understand it.

But I agree completely with what you said about society and how college has prolonged youth for the exact reasons that you state. I think about that frequently. And I think that’s a large contributor to the failure of marriage. Since my peers are considerably more immature than the 20 year olds of the 1940s, they essentially can’t handle a marriage let a lone a sturdy relationship with another person at this age. This of course is perpetuated by the NEED to get a degree beyond high school if you aspire to any sort of success in this life. And as a result of all of this, people emerge into the marriage realm in their late 20s/early 30s as sexually corrupt, impure, morally distorted, and too bloody bullheaded and quite frankly too old to GROW with another human being. But It’s an impossible loop, because if people just started getting married at 18 again, since people are essentially still kids at that age, marriage would be just as much of a failure as it is now. Like I said, it frustrates me.

I fancy the idea of engagement. I really would love to be engaged to her, even if we can’t get married for another 2 or more years due to economic issues. But I fear the rejection that we’ll face from our families. And I have no idea how to go about initiating an engagement in an appropriate manner.

 

[faithfully]

Well… if you’re old fashioned you go have a talk with her father… ask to ask for her hand… buy a ring, and ask her! Ta-DA!

We also left my dad out of the loop. Not our thing AT ALL… Dad’s either. Trust me he was NOT offended. But my dad likes to know he raised girls that can totally take care of and think for themselves! Plus my parents love my husband and made it clear they would be thrilled to have him in the family… So there you go!

 

[Sasha]

Hi!

Before I start, let me just reiterate that no one here really knows you, so no one can make a decision for you. We can merely offer our own experiences for you to potentially learn from.

I’ll give you something from the other side of the fence. I met the man of my dreams when I was 19. He asked me to marry him a few months later and (once I realized he was serious) I said yes. He was from Europe, so we had difficulties with separation (we were both too young to be able to afford immigration). We were supposed to be married when I was 22 (he would have been 23), but the separation got to be too much for me. Long story short, I called off the marriage.

One of the really sad parts to this story: everyone I knew told me that much as we were a great couple and he was wonderful, we were too young to get married. So… I went through with the calling off of the marriage. But here’s the thing… he’s the only man I’ve ever REALLY felt loved me. I attempted marriage… to someone who completely used me and now I am divorced (with annulment) and all alone. I’ll spare you the details, but if I had married my first love, my entire life would have been different. I would have a family now.

I can’t tell you if this girl is that person for you. But if you truly believe that you want to be with her when you’re both 90 (and think of all that entails between now and then!)… then don’t let anyone tell you that you are too young. If someone close to you says they think you are not right for each other… listen to them. But if the only thing people have to say is that you are too young… don’t let that stop you.

 

[curtycurt]

I think it depends on how you feel about marriage and not on your age. Some people are already ready for marriage at the age of 20 while some people aren’t ready even if they are 35. And some people are simply not the type for marriage.

 

[rayne89]

My best friend’s daughter got married last year -she had just turned 20 the month before. I married at 18 (just a few weeks shy of 19), he was 19. My husband was in the military so we did have an income. I would say you are old enough to marry now (well you’d have to go through marriage prep) but you did need to have an income that could support a family in case as newlyweds your wife becomes pregnant. It doesn’t have to be a big high paying career salary but enough to pay the bills.

 

[Cat]

My husband and I started dating when we were sixteen and married when we were 21. We’ve been married 31 years.

My daughter started dating her boyfriend when she was 14 and he was 17. They got married two years ago when she was 22 and he was 25. So far, so good!

So my husband and I believe strongly in young marriage.

Here is the thing–you have to come up with a plan to support yourselves. That plan should not involve moving in with parents or other relatives.

If you can come up with a viable and realistic plan to support yourselves and that takes into account any difficulties (e.g., an unexpected baby, a job loss, an illness, etc.), then get married. If you can’t come up with that plan, then don’t get married.

You might think, “We can’t support ourselves, therefore we can’t come up with a plan.”

Don’t be so quick to give up. Think hard. This is, BTW, your first real challenge as a couple. You need to think through this and discuss it long and hard, and make a decision based on that discussion. And if you can’t come up with a plan right now, don’t give up. Keep dating, but revisit your circumstances periodically and see if anything changes that would make it possible for you to come up with a plan.

Here’s the plan that my husband and I came up with that enabled us to get married and support ourselves with no help from parents.

I was accepted into a medical technology internship in a hospital in our home city. My then-boyfriend decided to take a year off college (he was a junior at the time) and work as a computer programming intern at a company in our hometown. He had already worked for a few weeks as an intern at this company, so they were quite happy to hire him for a year.

He didn’t make a lot of money in his year-long internship, but we didn’t need a lot of money in that first year. In fact, that was the ONLY year in our marriage where we managed to save a significant portion of his income and still tithe (10%) to our church! We had everything we needed.

When I finished my internship at the hospital, we moved BACK to our college town where I got a job right away at a hospital, and I supported my husband through his senior year of college.

It all worked out fine for us. You see how we planned for things, and had a sufficient income to support ourselves.

One of the factors that we didn’t have to take into consideration was having a babyl, because at the time we were Protestants and had no theological problems with using the Pill. However, during the second year of our marriage, after we had moved back to the college town, I discovered a lump in my breast. It turned out to be a benign fibrocyst, but I was ordered OFF the Pill immediately! That was certainly not expected. We began using condoms (again, remember we were Protestant), and everything worked out fine. Personally, I’m glad this happened, because it got me off the Pill which I think is not a healthy drug for women.

We did realize that a pregnancy could happen anyway. If I had become pregnant in our first year of marriage, my husband would have continued working at the company (back then, they would have been glad to have him!) and supported me while the baby was young, and then I would have gone back to work and left the baby in childcare while my husband finished his Senior year of college. Not the ideal situation, but then, you do what you have to do.

I’m going to strongly suggest that you and your girlfriend begin NOW, if you haven’t already, to learn about NFP and she should begin charting. That way if and when you come up with your Plan, you will be ready to get married and ready, if you decide that you have serious reasons, to delay a pregnancy until the time is right. I know that a lot of Catholics will tell you not to get married until you are ready to have a child, but I personally think it is better to get married and delay beginning a family than to wait for many years to get married. Those first few childless years can help a young couple to become stronger in their marriage, which helps them to be better parents. Just make sure that you have made provisions in your Plan for an unexpected child!

When my daughter and her boyfriend decided to get married, they had a Plan and told us all about it. We scrutinized their Plan and decided that it would work out. Basically it was the same Plan as ours; her husband would continue working to support her during grad school, and she would work to support him to finish his Bachelors. So far, it’s worked out pretty well, but at this point, he is continuing to work at his job because he makes good money (auto mechanic), he likes his job, and they would like to buy a house.

BTW, we talked to two Protestant pastors back before we got married, because our parents thought we were too young to get married. BOTH pastors agreed that our Plan was sound, and BOTH pastors told us that long engagements were not good, that it was better to get married!

Good luck to you. Just make sure you have that Plan.

 

[Charlotte1776]

I was married at 21, though I had already graduated college the year before because I graduated high school and college both a year early. My parents were a little upset at first because my dad’s first marriage was at 19 because he got a girl pregnant and my mom was first married in her early 20s I think (she doesn’t like to talk about it). Of course those marriages ended quickly and they were left with children they didn’t want. They were afraid of the same thing happening to me if I married young. They always told me to put off marriage and children until my 30s. If your parents feel the same way, they will probably be a worried for you too and they may not stop worrying until you have been happily married for a few years and “proven” to them that you are capable of sustaining a good marriage.
I didn’t anticipate meeting the man of my dreams so young, but I am so glad I did. I will not be like my friends who are approaching mid-30s without a husband or kids with the chances of their having either quickly fading. That is one of the tragedies of society’s insistance on delaying marriage. Being a wife and mother has always been my dream (we’re still working on that second part!), and I am so much happier with my husband than I could ever be by myself. If you really love your girlfriend, you will not regret marrying her at any age. I completely understand the feeling of not being “allowed” to do something. It took me almost a year of living on my own to shake that feeling of wanting my parents approval to do something.
I know plenty of people who got married while still in college and are perefectly happy, with one just celebrating her 22nd year of marriage! That being said, there is no harm waiting until after college to get married. It might make your family feel better if that’s what you’re worried about. Another option is to get engaged now, but set the wedding date for after you graduate.
Cat’s advice is great! You should definitely consider everything she said. It is important not to get married until you can support yourselves.

 

[sj2]

Another example of a successful “high school sweetheart” marriage.

Met at 15.

“Broke up” when we went to college (that didn’t last long!)

We were long distance for college, but went to grad school near each other.

We got married at 22yrs old. My parents’ only requirement was that we have health care. So, hubby found a job with benefits on campus. We both completed graduate degrees while being married. Those were lean years! Working multiple jobs, homework, research, but we made it work. 1 rent is cheaper than 2. Cooking dinner for 2 is just as easy (or easier) as cooking for 1. So I don’t see grad school as a reason to delay marriage. It’s a struggle financially either way, so why not face it together?

(Truthfully those first few years were tough on the marriage because of all the non-stop working, but when you know you’re with the right person, you just stay committed and ride out the storm. Those were formative years for us as a couple. People don’t like to think this way in this day of instant gratification, but sometimes it’s a blessing to struggle & grow together.)

 

[FaithBuild18]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

I know it is shameful to live with another person outside of marriage, but what about the opposite? If I marry her, must we live under the same roof right away?

 

[Charlotte1776]

I know it is shameful to live with another person outside of marriage, but what about the opposite? If I marry her, must we live under the same roof right away?

It’s certainly not required, but if you can’t live together after marriage because you can’t support yourselves (i.e., you’re both still living at your parents’ houses) you probably should delay marriage.

 

[dconklin]

I met a girl while we were in college - different colleges about 300 miles apart. We met while interning and spent the better part of 2 years together (not living together) and two years of traveling to see each other on weekend. We were 20 minutes from getting engaged - but cooler heads prevailed - or she was hiding something from me and could not go on covering it up.

I finished Grad School and had that year to myself. I did date other girls/women, but nothing ever came from any of the relationships. After I finished Grad School I got a great job and enjoyed the single life. I traveled, went on adventures and had fun. Eventually a met a nice lady, we dated a few years and got married. 15 years later, we are still in love.

I think it is important for us to have time for ourselves. If you are with the same person “constantly” for many years - especially your developing years - do not think you have enough time to fully mature.

Good luck and God bless!

 

[puzzleannie]

I don’t think my situation is normal for my age in the modern times. I was blessed enough to meet the most wonderful woman ever imaginable when I was a freshman in high school. We dated all throughout high school, never broke up or “took breaks” or any of the non-sense you see amongst teens. We’re in the midst of college right now, and I find it amazing to think at my young age of 20 I’ve been dating her for more than one quarter of my life. Honestly I’ve wanted to marry this girl since I was 16. We talk about marriage on a regular basis, and are both embracing the day in which we’re able to marry.

But nobody gets married this young. It’s basically taboo. M.

all kinds of people marry young, they are not ostracized, whether it is prudent for them is another matter, but I think you are exaggerating the societal reaction. Your own families white rightly will advise you to consider wisely and carefully before marriage at any age–that is their job.

IMO the time to get married is when you both want to, are of legal and canonical age, can support yourselves financially and emotionally, and are ready to start a family. There is no reason you cannot complete your education and start careers as a couple. It sure beats cohabiting, the societal option that has no benefits and usually leads to disaster.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

I know it is shameful to live with another person outside of marriage, but what about the opposite? If I marry her, must we live under the same roof right away?

If the question is not “who?”, but only “when?”…twenty is not too young to know that. The world has a lot of couples that got lucky and found the right one right away. I wouldn’t be too hard on couples who didn’t “stay together” throughout high school, though. Being willing to break up in high school is a good thing, not a bad thing.

I dated my first boyfriend all through high school, too. Never broke up, never even had a serious fight. We were engaged when he was 21 and I was 20. As it turned out, the marriage would have been a huge mistake. How do I know this? After we broke up, I realized how much happier I was. I had submerged a lot of what I was in order to make a fit with him. If he had not gotten a girlfriend on the side after we were engaged, I doubt if I would have ever seen that. I dodged a bullet, big time. He married someone else and is now divorced, but unless fidelity was what broke up his marriage (and it is entirely likely that it was not, as I don’t think his affair was a reflection of his character) I feel fairly certainly that he and I would still be married. I have no doubt that I would be miserable, although perhaps without knowing why.

After we broke up, people came out of the woodwork to tell me they thought it was for the best. Did anybody ever say that beforehand? No way. People who have this thing about actually wanting to remain friends with you often won’t do that. Even if there is out-and-out abuse, let alone a mere mismatch, the friends who are friends enough to speak up are a lot more likely to see themselves cast out than the offending boyfriend or girlfriend!

My husband and I–that is, the man I actually married, not my first boyfriend–were married for six years before we lived in the same city. We saw each other for a weekend or so every six to twelve weeks. It was extremely hard, I wouldn’t recommend it, but it can be done. (We joke that we heard that you were supposed to be married for several years and then live together, and only learned later that we had heard it backwards from what everybody does.)

You have to have a plan for what you’re going to do if you find a baby is coming before you expected. Please, take my advice and do not live apart for longer than is necessary. But no, you do not have to live together right away. Expect, though, that you’ll decide you really, really, REALLY want to, and will decide you’re going to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Also, having been in graduate school, I have known many many couples who have done the long-distance thing. It makes fidelity a lot harder, too.

Yes, it is nicer to be able to visit your parents for holidays as man and wife. There are many benefits to being married, not just the obvious. Marriage, though, is more about having the maturity and the skills than about having reached a certain age.

I’d suggest this:

1. Take a hard look at how marrying now vs. marrying later is going to affect your life-long financial position. What is it going to cost to get insured, after you can’t be on your parent’s insurance? If you don’t know how to assess these kinds of financial considerations, don’t get married until you do. As for financial authors, Suze Orman is as good as any, and very readable. I’m not suggesting that people wait for financial security before they marry–a very good idea that can be taken way too far–just that financial reasons are sufficient for a couple to wait for 22 or 24, when the insurance and other advantages that parents offer usually evaporate.
2. You don’t have to have a wedding date to go on an Engaged Encounter weekend. IMHO, couples ought to do something like that before they set a date. When my husband and I went, we knew each other very well, had good communication in place, and got essentially no surprises. Other couples had their eyes opened, though. It is far better to be in a position to “reassess” before you have given all your relatives a wedding date than after.

 

[sj2]

I think it is important for us to have time for ourselves. If you are with the same person “constantly” for many years - especially your developing years - do not think you have enough time to fully mature.

Perhaps you are only speaking of your situation–that you (and maybe many others) would not have been able to fully mature. But this is not always the case. I certainly would not characterize my husband or myself as somehow stunted in our development because we had the good (amazing! fortunate!) luck to find each other earlier in life than the “norm.”

I don’t regret one moment of our 17 years of friendship, ten years of marriage, and six years of parenthood. A blessing-- it’s been a blessing.

We aren’t talking about a 15 year old kid who declared his undying love for some 15 year old girl and wants to naively “play house.”

OP sounds like a mature 20 year old who has simply found his life mate and is putting some serious thought into entering marriage and the repercussions that may or may not follow.

 

[Cat]

It’s certainly not required, but if you can’t live together after marriage because you can’t support yourselves (i.e., you’re both still living at your parents’ houses) you probably should delay marriage.

I agree.

The Bible says that a man should leave his mother and father and cling to his wife. And the wife should respect her husband.

IMO, if you can’t move out of your parents’ house, you are not ready to be married, no matter how much you love each other.

I realize that in some cultures, young married couples live with their families. But in the U.S., at least until recently, couples moved OUT of their parents’ home and established their own household.

Perhaps this will change as the economy continues to tank in the U.S. But right now, when a young couple goes against our culture and lives with their parents, they usually don’t last long as a couple. It’s really, REALLY important for a married couple to quickly become “one” and that doesn’t just mean in bed. They must establish their own household.

I think a failure to establish a household is probably one of the major reasons why there is so much divorce in the U.S. Each spouse is still clinging to their past life, and they can’t become “one” because they still see themselves as “two.” No wonder they end up splitting.

 

[Cat]

Perhaps you are only speaking of your situation–that you (and maybe many others) would not have been able to fully mature. But this is not always the case. I certainly would not characterize my husband or myself as somehow stunted in our development because we had the good (amazing! fortunate!) luck to find each other earlier in life than the “norm.”

I don’t regret one moment of our 17 years of friendship, ten years of marriage, and six years of parenthood. A blessing-- it’s been a blessing.

We aren’t talking about a 15 year old kid who declared his undying love for some 15 year old girl and wants to naively “play house.”

OP sounds like a mature 20 year old who has simply found his life mate and is putting some serious thought into entering marriage and the repercussions that may or may not follow.

I tend to agree that while some people mature on their own, as singles, I think that many people mature while dating.

Singleness can encourage a lack of responsibility and accountability. After all, who cares if you pick up after yourself? No one’s there to see the mess! Or big deal if you eat ice cream and soda for supper on a regular basis? It’s easy, fast, and filling. Or maybe you go out and buy a brand-new Maserati just because you like the looks of it–it doesn’t matter if your payments are $600/month because you can eat Ramen noodles and move into your car if you lose your job!

My daughter and her husband started dating when they were 14 and 17, and they literally grew up and matured together. They formed a lot of their political and social views together, and they developed a lot of their hobbies and leisure pursuits together. They also worked hard on various projects together, so they knew when they got married what it means to work, not just play.

It’s fun to be with them, because they act like an elderly couple at times–they know what they like for dinner, they know what activities will appeal, etc.!