How "open to life" do we really have to be?

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bearkatjen said:
We are both familiar with NFP, and we used it when we were having trouble conceiving our son. I do like how NFP really lets a woman known what’s going on with her body, but I don’t like that everything is on me, that I have to be so structured on when I wake up so I can get an accurate temperature, and (TMI) I also dislike the feel of semen in me (it burns a bit, and the degree of wetness is just gross and messy so instead of cuddling or talking, I have to jump in the shower immediately). I think DH worries we will mess it up, and surprise, have a baby we are not ready for. As for abstinence, this is a lot easier for DH than me. I usually instigate, and honestly, when I most want to be intimate is when I’m fertile.

When we do talk about another child, DH talks about adoption. I think more than anything, DH is scared of going through another pregnancy with me again. As hard as we tried for a baby, and as excited as we were to be blessed with our son, I hated every day of my pregnancy. I was an emotional mess, I hurt everyday, I was utterly useless, and then I had complications at the end that really scared DH.
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You sound so much like me when I first learned! I think I had all those concerns when first starting up. (Except the sex drive; mine was very low at the time, so the only time I was interested at all was when I was fertile. Same pattern, but a bit different results.)

I know what you mean with the temperature. When I first learned, I’d forget to take my temp and then I’d feel like I messed up my whole chart just because I missed my two minute window. And if it happened two days in a row it would really stress me out. As you get more used to doing it, it becomes more second nature and you don’t forget as many days because it’s just built into your normal waking up routine. That caused DH and I to have a lot longer abstinence times in the beginning, but now that we are more familiar with my body’s patterns, a missed temp here or there doesn’t throw us completely off. But you should see my first couple of months–there are holes everywhere from forgetting temps! Have you looked into the Creighton method? That one doesn’t require you to take a temp every morning. It might be worth trying out different methods if you’re not satisfied with the one you have learned already. As for the messiness, I know what you mean there too. It does take some getting used to…

A woman usually has a higher sex drive during her most fertile time. That is part of why NFP challenges couples each cycle to re-determine if they still have a serious enough reason to avoid a pregnancy. That’s the time when you’re most interested in each other, so the abstinence is truly a sacrifice. If you have a serious reason to avoid, the sacrifice becomes something that you both do out of love for each other; it becomes something that helps to strengthen the bond between you because you are both giving up something you love for the good of the other. I completely understand not wanting to get pregnant again because of very difficult pregnancies; I’m at the point that the next pregnancy will very likely cause us to have to hire a housekeeper and nanny just to keep the everyday comings and goings of the house under control. In the end I just have to trust God and trust myself to monitor my body’s cycle.
 
Trust in God. Trust that He knows what He is doing. Trust that He gave us these “rules” about sex for a reason, because He wants what is best for us. Do things one step at a time; start by learning NFP to avoid, and then see where God leads you after that. Don’t worry about whether or not you will want another child 5 years (or even one!) from now. Just focus on what you need to do right now.
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This is excellent advice! Remember that a lot can change over time and none of us has a crystal ball. Maybe you’ll feel differently a year or five years from now; maybe you won’t. Pray and trust in God and you’ll figure out whether you’re called to expand your family by getting pregnant again or adopting a baby, or whether you already have the family God has called you to have. I’ll pray for you!
 
bearkatjen said:
If I agree to use NFP, but my husband insists on using condoms, then where does that leave us?
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Related questions coming from a bachelor and relatively new Catholic here, for any and all of the more experienced forum members:

If one spouse is determined to use ABC and the other spouse is determined not to, what would the obedient spouse’s proper response be? To refuse sex altogether until the other’s attitude changed? Or to go through with it, knowing the other is committing mortal sin (and would going through with it be a sin for the “obedient” spouse at that point)? Seems like that knowledge would kill the intimacy of the act right there, regardless of any physical satisfaction.
 
AlwaysCurious said:
Related questions coming from a bachelor and relatively new Catholic here, for any and all of the more experienced forum members:

If one spouse is determined to use ABC and the other spouse is determined not to, what would the obedient spouse’s proper response be? To refuse sex altogether until the other’s attitude changed? Or to go through with it, knowing the other is committing mortal sin (and would going through with it be a sin for the “obedient” spouse at that point)? Seems like that knowledge would kill the intimacy of the act right there, regardless of any physical satisfaction.
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This has been handled occasionally by the staff apologists.

The spouse who wants to abide by Catholic teaching should say so and not do anything contraceptive him/herself (e.g. the a wife who is faithful to the teaching should not take oral contraceptives). The spouse who wishes to contracept would need to take the full act to him/herself. Relations should not be denied on grounds of contraception by the other spouse.
 
I encourage you to continue to pray. It is wonderful that you are seeking answers, but make sure you are open to finding God’s answers, not just the answers you want to hear. 😉

The purpose of our lives on earth is to Know God, to Love God and to Serve God. We must first seek to know God and then the love will follow. Love of God is a gift of grace and cannot be forced. As you actively seek to get to know God (through reading the bible, prayer, reading of saints’ lives, doctrinal formation, etc) a person will be granted the gift of loving God. We may not all be granted the fervor of the saints, but we should all hope to grow in our Love for God. Once we begin to love God, our lives become more about His Will than our will. We learn to set aside the trappings of the world and realize that Heaven is more important than Harvard for our children. I would much rather raise a child that is living a life for God with just a HS diploma than raise a child to be a Doctor who violates God’s will as part of his job.

Sometimes poverty can make a family wiser about money. My Dh’s family lost everything when he was growing up . He talks of the pain of seeing the entire farm auctioned off along with all their possessions. The funny thing is that all but one of his brothers and sisters (9 in total) went on to college and found ways to pay for it without being in huge debt (one sister went to a trade school.) I, on the other hand, came into our marriage with much more college debt than my husband. My family had more money but I was much more careless about accumulating debt without regard to having to pay it back. I quickly learned the error of my ways! My parents’ higher income and better savings and smaller family size did little for me.

So, I would encourage you to seek answers to your questions, while allowing the Holy Spirit to work in your heart. God is wise in His teachings and He is usually proven correct in the end 😉
 
SonCatcher said:
This has been handled occasionally by the staff apologists.

The spouse who wants to abide by Catholic teaching should say so and not do anything contraceptive him/herself (e.g. the a wife who is faithful to the teaching should not take oral contraceptives). The spouse who wishes to contracept would need to take the full act to him/herself. Relations should not be denied on grounds of contraception by the other spouse.
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Thanks. 👍 Forgot to check the apologists.
 
Yes it is true, you can guide your spouse but ultimately it is up to him to make his own choices. I guess it depends on where you stand on the issue rather than where he stands. Read the book from Christopher West it is really good. He illustrates beautifully how using contraceptives is similar to having an affair. He also talks at length about the beauty of NFP and periodic abstinence. Joseph and Mary never had sex, they practiced abstinence because it was the will of God and still enjoyed married life together. No one says you should have more children if you do not desire them, God will let you know if and when the time is right. How many children you decide to have is between your husband, you and God.
 
Look into the Marquette Model. It’s the most technologically advanced form of NFP–it uses a fertility monitor, so you don’t have to take your temperature at all. As far as number of children, I’d recommend taking that month by month/year by year. You’d be surprised at how badly you start wanting more children sometime in your 30s! Thank God I didn’t stop at one like I originally said I was going to… can’t imagine life with just one.

nfp.marquette.edu/
 
I want to thank everyone for their words and links. Their prayers too! I am feeling much more open and positive about using NFP in my marriage and will be talking to my husband about it. As for more children, I’ll keep my mind and heart open. Thank you!!
 
Remember, there is more than one kind of NFP - I have never used STM (temp taking) method.
 
UPDATE

I talked to my husband about switching from condoms to NFP this evening. We talked about some concerns and the reasoning behind the switch, and he is 100% on board (a few months ago he flat out said no). So a big thank you out there for all the prayers!
 
bearkatjen said:
UPDATE

I talked to my husband about switching from condoms to NFP this evening. We talked about some concerns and the reasoning behind the switch, and he is 100% on board (a few months ago he flat out said no). So a big thank you out there for all the prayers!
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So glad to hear it! I pray that you will continue to be able to grow closer to God and closer to each other during this journey.
 
bearkatjen said:
UPDATE

I talked to my husband about switching from condoms to NFP this evening. We talked about some concerns and the reasoning behind the switch, and he is 100% on board (a few months ago he flat out said no). So a big thank you out there for all the prayers!
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:extrahappy:

:gopray: continued prayers for you!!
 
bearkatjen said:
UPDATE

I talked to my husband about switching from condoms to NFP this evening. We talked about some concerns and the reasoning behind the switch, and he is 100% on board (a few months ago he flat out said no). So a big thank you out there for all the prayers!
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WOW! Fantastic news! Big smile on my face after reading this update!

👍

Praise God.

Thank you, Mary.
 
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