How open would you ideally be with your spouse?

[Litcrit]

The thread about sharing other people’s secrets with our spouses clarified for me that there are very different levels of openness that different people see as ideal in their marriages.

I’d like to see what people generally see as ideal for their marriage, whether they’re currently married or not.

Would you ideally be radically open and honest? (share everything, every embarrassing detail, every time you find someone attractive, everything that pops into your head about his mother, etc.)

Or would you be open with some reservations? (share almost everything, definitely all about your romantic past, family history, relevant happenings in your life, but refrain from sharing thoughts that might hurt your spouse, like the fact that you noticed her sister is very attractive)

Or would you prefer to be relatively private? (share only information currently relevant to your marriage, which might exclude events from your past or about your family or friends or anything that doesn’t directly concern your spouse)

Or would you like to be as private as possible? (share only information necessary for the daily functioning of the family unit - i.e. when you might be expected home, but not who you’re going out with, etc.)

Of course, there’s “Other,” as I’m sure my poll options are very flawed.

If you’re married, are you comfortable with the current level of openness in your marriage? Would you like more or less openness? What about your spouse?

 

[mommamaree]

I chose “open with some reservations”.

 

[einna]

I am the type to be radically open and honest. If I am being difficult come out and say it. If I look bad go on and tell me.When I was dating my husband I asked about everyone he had dated and what they did together. What women he found attractive and why when we were out. I never got upset about his responses because I asked for them However, I found out about 5 years into my marriage that my husband just went along with that for a while and that he was really a very private person now sharing very little with me.

I went through years of therapy in my teens so there is no flaw that I have not completely acknowledged and dealt with, but most people are not like that. I treasure the friends who are open and honest with me and they know I would never get upset with what they told me because I know it is out of friendship not spite.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Of course I picked radically open and honest.

I do think that the poll will be flawed though, as people will vote for radically open and then see the other thread and realize what we were talking about that entailing and then come back and want to change their answer.

 

[PatriceA]

I voted open with reservations. Like I said in the other post, there are just some things I’m not going to tell my husband, like if someone said something rude about him to me. Or every little detail I don’t like about one of his hobbies that just isn’t my cup of tea. He likes it, that’s all that is important, he doesn’t need me to tell him any different. Stuff like that. I also try not to say too much about his parents, because they don’t have the best relationship and I don’t need to add more junk to that situation.

 

[JackieMom]

Open with reservations. There is so much charity to be done by not always saying what’s on our minds.

 

[Litcrit]

Of course I picked radically open and honest.

I do think that the poll will be flawed though, as people will vote for radically open and then see the other thread and realize what we were talking about that entailing and then come back and want to change their answer.

I never doubted it.

I only wanted to ask about openness when it comes to our own personal stuff - openness about other people’s stuff is already being discussed in the original thread.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I never doubted it.

I only wanted to ask about openness when it comes to our own personal stuff - openness about other people’s stuff is already being discussed in the original thread.

Own personal stuff? As open as need be. Like I said on the other thread he knows my weight (we weigh in every morning and support and take care of each other. We both used to have a weight problem so now health is kind of “our thing”.) He knows my passwords. If I’ve been constipated he knows that. We go to all doctors appointments with each other. If one of us gets a text and the phone is across the room the other will read it to us, etc.

But, that doesn’t mean that everything that happens to us is shared because really, when would we have time to enjoy each other if all we did was report our days minute by minute? But the big things, the not so big things, the random things that pop into my head, and the things he asks about are all very open.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

There are only a few things I keep from my wife, mostly because she just wouldn’t want to know. Besides those few things, I’m completely open.

 

[Kensho]

Other.

I’m a quiet, private person. I will tell my husband of my past, but only as it comes up and there are parts that I prefer not to talk about, like details of past romantic relationships. I will tell my deep, dark torments, but this does not come easily. I do confide in him more than I do anyone else.

I’m a writer. No one, and I mean no one, gets to see something I’m working on without my explicit permission, and most of them don’t get it. I don’t like to show works in progress, and there are friends who are more likely to be shown than my husband. That’s nothing personal, but he doesn’t write and doesn’t read much fiction, so he probably can’t give me the helpful criticism I’m looking for.

I don’t care if he reads my letters, but I want to read them first.

One day he got bored and read my diary. I was furious that he didn’t ask me first. I’d have let him read it, but asked him to please not read the notes for a story that were interspersed with the diary entries.

By no means do I share every thought. Some of them would be hurtful. Some it just wouldn’t occur to me to share as I wouldn’t think he’d be interested.

If someone told me something and asked me to please not tell him, I would honor that request unless there were a good reason not to.

 

[Litcrit]

I am the type to be radically open and honest. If I am being difficult come out and say it. If I look bad go on and tell me.When I was dating my husband I asked about everyone he had dated and what they did together. What women he found attractive and why when we were out. I never got upset about his responses because I asked for them However, I found out about 5 years into my marriage that my husband just went along with that for a while and that he was really a very private person now sharing very little with me.

I went through years of therapy in my teens so there is no flaw that I have not completely acknowledged and dealt with, but most people are not like that. I treasure the friends who are open and honest with me and they know I would never get upset with what they told me because I know it is out of friendship not spite.

Thank you. That is the sort of friends and relationships I appreciate most as well.

Own personal stuff? As open as need be. Like I said on the other thread he knows my weight (we weigh in every morning and support and take care of each other. We both used to have a weight problem so now health is kind of “our thing”.) He knows my passwords. If I’ve been constipated he knows that. We go to all doctors appointments with each other. If one of us gets a text and the phone is across the room the other will read it to us, etc.

But, that doesn’t mean that everything that happens to us is shared because really, when would we have time to enjoy each other if all we did was report our days minute by minute? But the big things, the not so big things, the random things that pop into my head, and the things he asks about are all very open.

This is us too - and of course it doesn’t mean we’re constantly in “stream of consciousness” mode (“Now I’m thinking about my ex-boyfriend… now I’m remembering his crazy mother… now I remember a book I read that she lent me… Do you like Baudelaire?” etc.)

 

[Litcrit]

I chose “open with some reservations”.

I voted open with reservations. Like I said in the other post, there are just some things I’m not going to tell my husband, like if someone said something rude about him to me. Or every little detail I don’t like about one of his hobbies that just isn’t my cup of tea. He likes it, that’s all that is important, he doesn’t need me to tell him any different. Stuff like that. I also try not to say too much about his parents, because they don’t have the best relationship and I don’t need to add more junk to that situation.

Open with reservations. There is so much charity to be done by not always saying what’s on our minds.

There are only a few things I keep from my wife, mostly because she just wouldn’t want to know. Besides those few things, I’m completely open.

Thank you for the replies. This sounds really sane and reasonable.

Other.

I’m a quiet, private person. I will tell my husband of my past, but only as it comes up and there are parts that I prefer not to talk about, like details of past romantic relationships. I will tell my deep, dark torments, but this does not come easily. I do confide in him more than I do anyone else.

I’m a writer. No one, and I mean no one, gets to see something I’m working on without my explicit permission, and most of them don’t get it. I don’t like to show works in progress, and there are friends who are more likely to be shown than my husband. That’s nothing personal, but he doesn’t write and doesn’t read much fiction, so he probably can’t give me the helpful criticism I’m looking for.

I don’t care if he reads my letters, but I want to read them first.

One day he got bored and read my diary. I was furious that he didn’t ask me first. I’d have let him read it, but asked him to please not read the notes for a story that were interspersed with the diary entries.

By no means do I share every thought. Some of them would be hurtful. Some it just wouldn’t occur to me to share as I wouldn’t think he’d be interested.

If someone told me something and asked me to please not tell him, I would honor that request unless there were a good reason not to.

I understand. I write too, and don’t show my stuff to anyone, *especially *the friends who also write. My husband is allowed to read what I write, but not necessarily encouraged unless I’m happy with it.

 

[Allegra]

Based on those definitions, I would choose “open with reservations”. I mean, I do have a brain filter. One doesn’t need to give voice to every notion that crosses one’s mind. However, once a thought has gone through the screening process and I have determined that it is a reasonable position to take, then I would share it with my husband, presuming that it was something I thought my husband would care to know.

 

[Kensho]

I understand. I write too, and don’t show my stuff to anyone, *especially *the friends who also write. My husband is allowed to read what I write, but not necessarily encouraged unless I’m happy with it.

Now that I think about it, I would be more willing to show him things if he would ask. He doesn’t ask. I wish he would, actually. Once he didn’t even read an essay I wrote till I handed him the book in which it had been published! I had talked to him about it and I think offered it to him to read, and he didn’t … I’d forgotten about this.

I probably don’t share enough, really. I’m an introvert from an introverted family – my sister, father, and grandmother are a lot like me in this respect. But I also come from an abusive home where secrets were kept, where sometimes they had to be kept. I had an overly close relationship with my mother that made me feel violated – and I went through a lot of humiliation at an impressionable age. I’m sure that contributes to my great difficulty revealing personal information even to my husband.

 

[underacloud]

I suppose the 29 pages of discussion in the other thread wasn’t enough to settle this?

I chose “open with some reservations”.

I’m a little surprise that people could choose “radically open and honest”, since it leaves no room for any level of secret/confidence keeping or discretion when information may be hurtful. But I think this has already been hashed out, over 29 pages (no doubt longer by now) of vigorous debate.

 

[PatriceA]

I suppose the 29 pages of discussion in the other thread wasn’t enough to settle this?

I chose “open with some reservations”.

I’m a little surprise that people could choose “radically open and honest”, since it leaves no room for any level of secret/confidence keeping or discretion when information may be hurtful. But I think this has already been hashed out, over 29 pages (no doubt longer by now) of vigorous debate.

This isn’t exactly the same topic in the other thread. This is about just being open with each other as a married couple, has nothing to do with conversations or discussions with other people.

 

[thewanderer]

I picked radically open and honest as well.

I’ve got to say though, its not as if I go around blurting out every little mundane detail or thought that comes into my head, but there really isn’t anything about myself that I would hide from him or refuse to tell him if he asked. I wouldn’t go around saying everything that pops into my head about other people, but I absolutely would have no qualms letting him know that I found some other man attractive, or what my weight is, or what stupid thing I did this morning etc etc, so between the two radically open and honest seemed much closer to the mark.

 

[underacloud]

This isn’t exactly the same topic in the other thread. This is about just being open with each other as a married couple, has nothing to do with conversations or discussions with other people.

Since this thread is about general openness, and the other thread served as a trigger as such, I assumed that confidences/secret keeping is a part of the bigger issue. The “radically open and honest definition” listed “share everything”.

Anyway, I think we both selected the “open with some reservations”. Putting secrets aside, there are some things that my wife doesn’t need to know.

 

[PatriceA]

Since this thread is about general openness, and the other thread served as a trigger as such, I assumed that confidences/secret keeping is a part of the bigger issue. The “radically open and honest definition” listed “share everything”.

Anyway, I think we both selected the “open with some reservations”. Putting secrets aside, there are some things that my wife doesn’t need to know.

I took it to mean our own personal thoughts, ideas and opinions and how open we are with our spouse in sharing that information. My understanding is if you have a secret, its your own, not someone else’s, at least that’s what I thought the OP meant.

 

[underacloud]

I took it to mean our own personal thoughts, ideas and opinions and how open we are with our spouse in sharing that information. My understanding is if you have a secret, its your own, not someone else’s, at least that’s what I thought the OP meant.

I’m not sure now what exactly the OP meant, but my answer remains the same. Whether it’s secrets or just general thoughts that I don’t think my wife needs to or would want to know.