How should I deal with my family problems and sadness?

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mrajax

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The thing is, lately my parents have been having a ton of shouting matches, partly because of financial problems and partly because honestly, one of my parents gets very, very emotional and extremely angry when things don’t go their way or we go against the way she deals with the problems they have. Thing is, my dad did something (NOT related to having an affair or anything sexual BTW) that got my mum really angry and now they’re not talking to each other. I myself was very angry with my dad and my sister who is siding with him in this situation got mad at me because I didn’t come to ask her what was going on as she was having a shouting match with my mum. I told her that it does not concern me as it is a problem they must solve themselves and that’s what I’m trying to do, trying to ignore the problem and letting my parents solve them by themselves.

Thing is, it’s really hard to do so when you live under the same roof and I’ve gotten a huge depression again. I’m feeling really empty and lonely and I’m always feeling sleepy and weak because of this problem. I hate fighting with my parents and sister and to top it all off, I’m writing a book which deals with a very heavy subject matter and that also is getting me depressed and I’also scared that no matter what I do, people just will not like me. Can anyone please give me some advice? Am doing right by not interfering? I’m really scared that they will separate after all these years of marriage.
 
Is alcohol involved?

You already know that their problems are not your problems, but I’m sure it’s hard to keep that in mind when all the members of the family are enmeshed and trying to keep you in the drama.

Is there any possibility of moving out?
 
I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
Sounds a bit dysfunctional. Mature people may yell occasionally, but rarely have “shouting matches.” Do you have someone you can talk to? A priest, deacon, teacher, counselor at school? It seems as if you’re fairly young.
If you have clinical depression, you should see a counselor or a doctor. But if it’s situational, try to let them solve their problems, and take good care of yourself.
It’s great that you’re writing a book. Are you going to publish an ebook? Maybe you could join a support group for that. Try to get your mind off problems at home.
God bless.
 
Just take care of yourself. I have learned that I can’t solve everyone’s problems. It is for them to do for themselves.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Is alcohol involved?

You already know that their problems are not your problems, but I’m sure it’s hard to keep that in mind when all the members of the family are enmeshed and trying to keep you in the drama.

Is there any possibility of moving out?
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No, alcohol is not involved in the least. Let me explain the situation:

What happened is that we’re not on good terms with my dad’s side of the family (with the exception of his two female siblings and aunt) as they haven’t really shown my mother respect. What happened is that my dad’s brother (my uncle…) asked him to a) take him and my sister on a holiday in January for 5 days and b) to send my uncles (otherwise legitimate) business cards to our home address because, and these are my dad’s exact words, my uncle doesn’t want his own wife to know that he had money so that in case they divorce, he’ll have spare money for his own sake (we live in a different country whereas uncle lives in America). Selfish of him I know. Now my mother doesn’t want us to be involved in any of this and I agree with her. To make it worse, he told my dad this 4 months ago and my dad said that he forgot to tell her until now which is absolute rubbish.

Note that neither my parents are alcoholics or ever committed domestic abuse physical or emotional although now, they’re engaging in insulting each other and fighting over petty things and the constant fighting as I said, is wearing me down and before, I thought I could help them live better together by stopping their quarreling and making them see reason but I eventually found out it made things worse. That is the reason I stopped trying to come in between them but both of them still try to push me into their petty quarreling and and I can’t just do anything, partly out of guilt and party out ear that they, especially mum will fight with me.

Moving out isn’t possible right now although I don’t plan on staying with my family forever to realize my own dreams. We’re in a financial hole and right now, I don’t have a job and am going to enter school soon. I’m 18 by the way. I got over my actual clinical depression but this is mostly a situational problem. Honestly, while they have quarreled in the past, they did solve their problems and come to agreement but this?
 
Like the others have mentioned, its not a problem for you to solve and you know that from what I have read. The best thing you can do is pray for them. If your depression has been around before this then please go see a doctor, I know how hard depression is, I have it to but am fine now with the right medication. If the depression is caused by the situation you are in, definitely find someone you trust to talk to and maybe even take a break from the home for a while to let things work out. Try spending time at a friends house or just go to church to pray and hangout with Jesus and other people of the faith or to talk with your priest about the matter. I would heavily suggest that you start praying rosaries for your family if you are not already.

Always know that your Heavenly Family: God, Mary, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, your brother and sisters the saints, Love you and will not abandon you. That is what saved me from doing suicide in high school. Ask God for easy access to friends you can talk to and easy access to your local Catholic Church. He will definitely grant these requests in some form or another if He hasn’t already.

Hang in there, my friend. You will get through this. Rely on God for strength and courage, He will make sure that you get through this if you let Him work with you on this.

God Bless you and know that I will be praying for you.
 
It could help if you express to both your parents separately how their fights are affecting you. You don’t need to be overly analytical either. Just say “when you and Dad/Mum fight, I feel really disturbed/anxious/nauseas/depressed and its really affecting me”. Don’t expect any great change immediately, but to be honest any Mum and Dad who has that info from their childs mouth won’t be able to ignore it forever. Let your feelings be known and let it be a seed that will somehow grow in them.
 
mrajax said:
No, alcohol is not involved in the least. Let me explain the situation:

What happened is that we’re not on good terms with my dad’s side of the family (with the exception of his two female siblings and aunt) as they haven’t really shown my mother respect. What happened is that my dad’s brother (my uncle…) asked him to a) take him and my sister on a holiday in January for 5 days and b) to send my uncles (otherwise legitimate) business cards to our home address because, and these are my dad’s exact words, my uncle doesn’t want his own wife to know that he had money so that in case they divorce, he’ll have spare money for his own sake (we live in a different country whereas uncle lives in America). Selfish of him I know. Now my mother doesn’t want us to be involved in any of this and I agree with her. To make it worse, he told my dad this 4 months ago and my dad said that he forgot to tell her until now which is absolute rubbish.

Note that neither my parents are alcoholics or ever committed domestic abuse physical or emotional although now, they’re engaging in insulting each other and fighting over petty things and the constant fighting as I said, is wearing me down and before, I thought I could help them live better together by stopping their quarreling and making them see reason but I eventually found out it made things worse. That is the reason I stopped trying to come in between them but both of them still try to push me into their petty quarreling and and I can’t just do anything, partly out of guilt and party out ear that they, especially mum will fight with me.

Moving out isn’t possible right now although I don’t plan on staying with my family forever to realize my own dreams. We’re in a financial hole and right now, I don’t have a job and am going to enter school soon. I’m 18 by the way. I got over my actual clinical depression but this is mostly a situational problem. Honestly, while they have quarreled in the past, they did solve their problems and come to agreement but this?
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Okay, so it sounds as if your dad has neglected to “leave and cleave” to his wife and set proper boundaries with his family of origin. If he had done this, he would not have his brother asking him to go on a vacation without his wife. He would not have his brother using him to keep knowledge of the brother’s assets from his wife.

You may already realize this. The way your father is hiding things from your mother is wrong. They are a married couple and are one flesh in God’s eyes. By doing these things behind her back, he is in effect telling her that she is not as important as his brother, and that he is willing to support his brother in very questionable actions. Even if he is merely afraid of his brother’s reactions if he doesn’t do these things, that doesn’t speak well of your father, I am afraid.

Please do not blame your mother - she has every right to feel betrayed in this situation. The marriage between her and your father is being invaded by your uncle (and maybe some of the other members?). It would be time for your father to set some boundaries with his family.

In any case, you can do nothing about your father’s choice to place his brother ahead of his wife. Try not to talk about the issues to anyone - it will be very tempting to triangulate, which means talking to one person about the other, or gossiping to more than one person. Just keep saying, “I know you’re frustrated, Sis, but Dad and Mom really need to work this out between the two of them,” or “Mom, I know you are angry with Dad, and I can see your point, but I can’t really help, so you need to talk to him.” And the point the previous poster had about telling both of them that their fighting is making you anxious, is a good one.

“Mom and Dad, when you two fight all the time, I get anxious and depressed, and I want more than anything to just get out of here and live on my own. Please find a way to work through your problems that doesn’t involve shouting and being angry. I love you both and it’s painful to be around when this is going on.”
 
TheRealJuliane said:
“Mom and Dad, when you two fight all the time, I get anxious and depressed, and I want more than anything to just get out of here and live on my own. Please find a way to work through your problems that doesn’t involve shouting and being angry. I love you both and it’s painful to be around when this is going on.”
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And I think saying it to them separately will be more effective as their hearts won’t be closed by needing to save face in the presence of the other.

I feel so much for you mrajax and also guilty of the times I’ve fought in earshot of my kids in a way that disturbs their pre-adult dependency. For us it was only for a period of time in the marriage so it wasn’t something the kids were used to. It disturbed one child more than the others and I feel the guilt of that constantly even though the issues and relationships are all long resolved. It could really help your parents if they were aware sooner than later how their fighting was affecting you.
 
LongingSoul said:
And I think saying it to them separately will be more effective as their hearts won’t be closed by needing to save face in the presence of the other.

I feel so much for you mrajax and also guilty of the times I’ve fought in earshot of my kids in a way that disturbs their pre-adult dependency. For us it was only for a period of time in the marriage so it wasn’t something the kids were used to. It disturbed one child more than the others and I feel the guilt of that constantly even though the issues and relationships are all long resolved. It could really help your parents if they were aware sooner than later how their fighting was affecting you.
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To be honest, my parents, especially my mother in the past, circa 2006 or so also fought a lot even though my dad at that time didn’t do anything whatsoever involving his family. I actually do think that it affected me badly because honestly, afterwards I depended way too much on my mother as if I was a little kid and didn’t have a shred of self confidence. I’m really happy for you that the situation was resolved. God and Mary be with you!🙂

I’ll try talking to them about how it’s affecting me separately also.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Okay, so it sounds as if your dad has neglected to “leave and cleave” to his wife and set proper boundaries with his family of origin. If he had done this, he would not have his brother asking him to go on a vacation without his wife. He would not have his brother using him to keep knowledge of the brother’s assets from his wife.

You may already realize this. The way your father is hiding things from your mother is wrong. They are a married couple and are one flesh in God’s eyes. By doing these things behind her back, he is in effect telling her that she is not as important as his brother, and that he is willing to support his brother in very questionable actions. Even if he is merely afraid of his brother’s reactions if he doesn’t do these things, that doesn’t speak well of your father, I am afraid.

Please do not blame your mother - she has every right to feel betrayed in this situation. The marriage between her and your father is being invaded by your uncle (and maybe some of the other members?). It would be time for your father to set some boundaries with his family.

In any case, you can do nothing about your father’s choice to place his brother ahead of his wife. Try not to talk about the issues to anyone - it will be very tempting to triangulate, which means talking to one person about the other, or gossiping to more than one person. Just keep saying, “I know you’re frustrated, Sis, but Dad and Mom really need to work this out between the two of them,” or “Mom, I know you are angry with Dad, and I can see your point, but I can’t really help, so you need to talk to him.” And the point the previous poster had about telling both of them that their fighting is making you anxious, is a good one.

“Mom and Dad, when you two fight all the time, I get anxious and depressed, and I want more than anything to just get out of here and live on my own. Please find a way to work through your problems that doesn’t involve shouting and being angry. I love you both and it’s painful to be around when this is going on.”
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That’s my point; he’s not doing her a favor and what he did keeping such a secret from her just to be able to do it behind her back. Also, yeah I agree with the gossiping bit and both of them unfortunately have been guilty of this. And to it worse else, my mum is planning to leave. She’s going to get her otherwise meager wage of 500 or so and planning to live in some cheap place if she finds one. Yeah, she’s not planning ahead at all and I’m scared what will happen to them if they separate. I’m not blaming her at all, no way but what both of them are doing is not wise at all. I’ll follow your and Soul’s advice definitely will. And guys, don’t worry about me; please pray for me and my parents and thanks for everything:).
 
It’s all sounding a bit murky to me… how old are you ?.. I think your doing the right thing by keeping out of it… but then… you could man up to them all and tell them you need to talk to them about this drama… on the condition no one yells or screams…which wont happen…
just tell them it must all stop now because you cant take this confrontation anymore…
tell them it must finnish now
 
mrajax said:
That’s my point; he’s not doing her a favor and what he did keeping such a secret from her just to be able to do it behind her back. Also, yeah I agree with the gossiping bit and both of them unfortunately have been guilty of this. And to it worse else, my mum is planning to leave. She’s going to get her otherwise meager wage of 500 or so and planning to live in some cheap place if she finds one. Yeah, she’s not planning ahead at all and I’m scared what will happen to them if they separate. I’m not blaming her at all, no way but what both of them are doing is not wise at all. I’ll follow your and Soul’s advice definitely will. And guys, don’t worry about me; please pray for me and my parents and thanks for everything:).
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Can you suggest that they get some counseling? Is there Catholic Charities or something like it where you live? Maybe your priest could counsel them? It would be a shame if they do separate but your mum may be frustrated if this has gone on for a long time. Then again, maybe your dad would get a wake up call if his wife left for a time. Some men need that to get their priorities straight.

You will be added to my prayers. :love::console:
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Can you suggest that they get some counseling? Is there Catholic Charities or something like it where you live? Maybe your priest could counsel them? It would be a shame if they do separate but your mum may be frustrated if this has gone on for a long time. Then again, maybe your dad would get a wake up call if his wife left for a time. Some men need that to get their priorities straight.

You will be added to my prayers. :love::console:
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I never even thought of that. I shall ask them about that.

Phil, I’m 18, almost 19.
 
I don’t know why but something is telling me to tell you this. If they are devout Catholics, then the next time they fight or have a shouting match, get down on your knees and just quietly start praying right there in front of them each time they fight. It might get tiring and repetitive, but keep doing it. And soon enough, the Spirit will quiet them down and come into the home again.
 
Becca3 said:
I don’t know why but something is telling me to tell you this. If they are devout Catholics, then the next time they fight or have a shouting match, get down on your knees and just quietly start praying right there in front of them each time they fight. It might get tiring and repetitive, but keep doing it. And soon enough, the Spirit will quiet them down and come into the home again.
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Sadly, they’re not devout although I am still praying for them. I’m going to talk to my dad separately now. Pray for me guys, and thanks.
 
mrajax said:
Sadly, they’re not devout although I am still praying for them. I’m going to talk to my dad separately now. Pray for me guys, and thanks.
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No, you must pray in front of them! Where they see you praying. Even in between them if at all possible. That is what the Spirit is telling me to tell you. Yes, DevotedChild, it is the Spirit. :gopray::signofcross:
 
Thanks everybody for the advice. I think things have gotten better. They’re talking more civilly now after what I told them both seperately and they’re trying to fix things. It’s not completely fixed but it’s better than we were.
 
I take it back, they’re still doing shouting matches and arguing a lot about this problem.

Guys, I think I have another problem. I feel extremely lonely. Words cannot say how lonely I’m feeling. My mother just left to go outside without any money. I keep calling her to come back but she’s cutting me off telling me she wants to be left alone. I don’t know what to do and I feel rubbish. I know I have more goal in life but in the situation I am in right now, I feel that they are not a priority.

Another one of my problems is that I’m thinking that if they were to get separated, it’d be for their best. Their marriage wasn’t the happiest to be honest and damn it all I hate my life so much. I want to live life for life itself as the saying goes but I’m scared that in the end it will be all for nothing. I don’t want to push my problems onto someone else; I don’t want to enter a relationship or a friendship with the intent of making the other person a refuge for my problems but at the same time I don’t want to be alone forever. I have nobody to comfort me in my problems, not my sister who otherwise hates me, not my parents for obvious reasons and I don’t really have friend or am not close to any of them at all. Even if I was I don’t want to make anyone depressed about my own dumb life story. I don’t know what to do.
 
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