S
sugarmouse
Guest
I’m currently struggling with grief about the deaths of my two siblings. I don’t want to go into great detail about it on here, but just the relevant details: they died before birth, at a very early stage, so I don’t even know whether they were male or female, or have names for them etc. (I’ve a very strong feeling that one of them was male, and suspect the other was female, but I obviously have no way to prove this as being true or just my imagination).
Anyway, I didn’t find out about this till just a few years ago. Now, I’m not sure how to cope. I cry a lot about it (although I’m naturally sensitive anyway), and I miss them. I know how weird that sounds, to miss them when I never met them, but I do.
Sometimes I feel really torn. I don’t like feeling so sad, but whenever I think, “I have to find a way to stop feeling like this,” I suddenly feel guilty, as if I’ve got to feel sad. And I’ve got this idea into my head that I’ve got a responsibility to mourn them, since I feel like no one else is doing it (my parents don’t talk about them, and the rest of the world doesn’t know they existed at all). My biggest fear is forgetting about them. I’d be failing as a sister.
I’ve spoken to priests about this, and I’m hopefully going to speak to a counsellor about the situation soon. But I’m hoping someone here could give me some advice if possible?
A side question: I’m still not really sure how to answer the question, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” It’s one of the first questions people ask when they meet you, and it sounds like such an innocent question - I was at an event where the organiser used it as an ice-breaker, and I had to answer it to someone I’d literally never spoken to before. If I say, “I’ve got two siblings, but they died before birth,” that just feels way too much, and it makes the other person feel really awkward. But if I say, “I’m an only child,” I feel like I’m letting my siblings down, and I feel awful. I’d love some way that’s honest, but doesn’t make the other person feel bad.
Anyway, I didn’t find out about this till just a few years ago. Now, I’m not sure how to cope. I cry a lot about it (although I’m naturally sensitive anyway), and I miss them. I know how weird that sounds, to miss them when I never met them, but I do.
Sometimes I feel really torn. I don’t like feeling so sad, but whenever I think, “I have to find a way to stop feeling like this,” I suddenly feel guilty, as if I’ve got to feel sad. And I’ve got this idea into my head that I’ve got a responsibility to mourn them, since I feel like no one else is doing it (my parents don’t talk about them, and the rest of the world doesn’t know they existed at all). My biggest fear is forgetting about them. I’d be failing as a sister.
I’ve spoken to priests about this, and I’m hopefully going to speak to a counsellor about the situation soon. But I’m hoping someone here could give me some advice if possible?
A side question: I’m still not really sure how to answer the question, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” It’s one of the first questions people ask when they meet you, and it sounds like such an innocent question - I was at an event where the organiser used it as an ice-breaker, and I had to answer it to someone I’d literally never spoken to before. If I say, “I’ve got two siblings, but they died before birth,” that just feels way too much, and it makes the other person feel really awkward. But if I say, “I’m an only child,” I feel like I’m letting my siblings down, and I feel awful. I’d love some way that’s honest, but doesn’t make the other person feel bad.
There are ministries to the mothers of miscarried children, but I don’t know if they help siblings out - might not hurt to contact the ministries to mothers, it might be a starting point anyway. You might find just the right person who “gets it.”
Another thing you might do is a simple commemoration ritual of your choosing. If you know their approximate dates of death - or what would’ve been their due dates, you could do this on those dates. If not, just pick a date such as All Souls Day. You could buy a couple of roses or light two candles or something like that. You could also find a piece of jewelry to wear that symbolizes them to you - two little angel charms or something.