How should I respond to angry cussing by husband?

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Shelby_Grace

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Hi Friends of Jesus,

My husband is a nominal Catholic and has anger problems: He tried to get the seat up and it wasn’t working. He started cussing not at that but about the messy van.We go to Mass and the kids and I remain silent the whole way there. We know how he gets- if I try to talk to him he tells me to “Just shut up!!”
So, after Mass he cooks breakfast.He asks where the kids are when the breakfast was done. They usually stay far away from him after he cusses because they are shocked and hurt as I am.
I sarcastically said, “Hey, maybe cuss at them some more and they’ll come down”. Shame on me. I told him I thought it was silly to let a car seat get him so upset. He claimed it wasn’t that, that it was the trashy van and my laziness and the fact I do not care about anything…I pointed out that he’s been in the van all week and never had a problem with it…he said, “Yes, I did, I just didn’t say anything about your trash van…that you refuse to keep clean even though you are a grown adult!” I pointed out that I have a bunch of kids helping to keep it trashy but he has no kids in his truck and it is trashy too. He maintained that that was for work and it was work related trash…then he told me to “F*** off!”.
I tell him I can’t believe he talks that way to his wife and kids and he mimics me and makes faces at me and tells me we make him do it. It is our fault. “wipe the stupid smirk off your face!”, he said.
I told him that it is wrong to react this way in anger and he is acting like a 2 yr old…he says that I am provoking a 2 yr old so “What does that make you? You are just lazy, it just too much for you to keep the van clean, huh?!”
I retorted, “I get up at 5:00 to make your lunch and go to Mass at 7:00 everyday. That’s hardly lazy. But the point is your cussing. It is not right.”
“Right, Shelby and all that is about the most work you do all day and it’s still too much for you!”…he says more mean things about "oh, Shelby is perfect isn’t she! Oh thank God for Shelby’s holiness…then I just walk away.He leaves for the rest of the day into the afternoon then comes up to me and says, “sorry for this morning.” I say ok. I remained polite yet cold to him when he came home from work the next day. He is usually eager to try and act like nothing has happened and when I wanted to tell him my feelings he interrupted pointing to the TV about news on a race car accident. I waited for it to be finished then said, “I want to feel better but you aren’t listening to me” then he said, “Blah, blah, blah. Get over it.”
I just rolled over. To be continued in next post…
 
Part two:

This morning he says, “oh, I don’t even get a kiss goodbye.” I was washing my hands and was planning to when I got the soap off…so I dripped over to him and kissed him. I told him I was upset that he blew me off when I was trying to tell me my feelings…he said, “Whatever! You’re the one who caused it, you made me mad because you just don’t listen!” and he walked out.
I said, “Listen to what, what have I done wrong?”
He slammed the door and left.
I need advise!! It feels terrible to be treated this way. I never know what to do. I do not feel loved by him when he acts like this…and trying to talk to him gets everything worse. I do not want to sin by cussing back. So I don’t. It seems like a Saint of old would’ve just taken it all in stride and prayed and fasted…never acting any diffferent despite the hurt. Today’s men seems like they will only get worse when they have no respect for their wives and think they and the kids, “deserve it.” like he does. He is a nominal Catholic. He doesn’t got to Confession more than once a year-he doesn’t feel the need…
What do I do and show should a good Catholic wife respond here?
Love in Jesus,
Shelby Grace
 
Shelby Grace,

My heart goes out to you and your children. I will keep you in my prayers.

You have painted a vivid portrait of abusive anger. Please find someone to speak with. You need support and advice from a prayerful, knowledgeable person.

Please find a priest or Catholic counselor to talk with immediately.

Your priority must be to protect your children from this type of verbal abuse. I pray that a good couselor can show you how to do this as a Catholic.
 
I will pray for you, and the advice to talk to your priest is excellent. In addition to that (and I know about the messy-van anger), you are suffering. Offer your suffering up to Jesus. He wants us to “crawl up on that cross with Him,” to carry our crosses (and yes, marriage and spouses sometimes can fall into that category) along with Him.

I can’t recall which saint (but I read it in St. Alphonsus The Way to Salvation and Perfection) said (and I’m paraphrasing) that we should be grateful of our opportunities to suffer and perfect our souls in this life rather than the next. Woe to the sinner who doesn’t suffer now.

That may feel like small consolation, but it really isn’t if you can meditate on it and realize that sufferings in this life can be a great gift from our Lord. (And please know I’m not trivilalizing this or suggesting you don’t find a remedy to fix this anger abuse or just grin and bear it. But you can share it with Christ.)

JELane
 
If you can, get him to join you in family prayer regularly.

I have found that family prayer can reduce the amount of bad attitudes (and associated cussing) in the family.

When my wife is in a bad attitude mode, I try to get her to say the “Our Father” with me. It usually helps to bring her back to a more Christian attitude.

I will also say to her after she cusses, “Apologize to Jesus.” This help her realize that it snuck back it and she usually apologizes on the spot and mends her ways.
 
Oh, Shelby, I truly feel for you and will keep you in my prayers.

There are some questions to think about to help you figure out how to proceed:

Is this ‘new’ behavior from your husband or was he like this before you married?

Do you and he still have open communication when anger is not present?

Does he love you? Can you feel that and know it - somewhere on some level to still be true?

Is he, at any time, kind and patient?

Do you and he have any time together - for just the two of you - no kids, no obligations?

Do you, as a family, attend Mass on Sundays? Do you participate as a family in your parish’s lenten services/preparatory lectures - and other such opportunities for faith enrichment your church offers around the holidays? (you mention he’s ‘nominally’ catholic)

You don’t need to answer those here…just think about them to get a little insight of what may or may not already be working for you.

Bottom line, however, is that counseling is greatly needed. There is nothing you, yourself, alone can do to ‘change’ your husband. Anger management is a very personal, ingrained thing and sometimes can be a psychological disorder. Men are often too proud to consider counseling as an option - they view it as a sign of weakness and everyone else’s problem.

I would hope and pray that in a quiet moment you might be able to speak to your husband about how his displays of anger frighten you and the kids and as a married Catholic couple the two of you have an obligation to fix the situation. He will counter that the anger is all your fault - but you can remind him that the issue is not his getting angry - it’s ok for him to get angry - it’s how he expresses that anger which needs to be addressed.

If he absolutely refuses to participate in the process you will need to seek counseling for yourself. ** This is non-negotiable between you and him**, should he get angry and say “No, you cannot or will not spend my money on therapy” because you have to protect yourself and your children. Your priest or local woman’s center should be able to connect you to some free services to start if you don’t have access to your own money and/or health insurance.

In therapy you should be able to learn how to understand your husband, how to recognize some of his cycles, how to maintain a loving and safe environment for your children despite his anger. There **are **some things you can regain control of in your life. Your husband’s anger and the way he shows it is not one of them.

You will want a good family therapist, a strong support group, a supportive priest, and a regular prayer group from your church.

Of course, those are just my opinions…I am certainly no professional.

God be with you.
 
This is a big deal. I know someone who had a problem with anger, still does sometimes, so I can speak with some sense of understanding. Getting him to STOP for a moment and assess/understand what he is doing and its affect on you and the kids is the only thing that will get his attention. In my friend’s case, that was when he was incarcerated for battery on his wife.

I hope it doesn’t take that with your situation. To head that off, I suggest you speak with your priest - or another if you prefer and ask them to pull your husband aside and talk, very seriously, to him about his behavior. This is a big deal, he has to know that and he has to know that he has a problem. Having someone else tell him so, may help wake him up. In any case, this could/should be like an intervention of sorts, because if it doesn’t happen, then the law will intervene.

By the way, I would suggest you stop cooking his breakfast and making his lunch. If you continue your life - your servitude to him - why would he recognize hsi behavior as a problem. If he gets up and you’re already gone to Mass without his lunch and breakfast made, perhaps he’ll figure out he’s gone too far.

Finally, it may help if he knows, understands and accepts his responsibility to the family. That’s not his job, that’s not his cooking, nor is it his displinarian nature - it is to be the spriritual leader of the family and to work to make sure his wife and children get to heaven. That hit me like a ton of bricks during an evening discussion with my wife and she is absolutely right.

Good luck and God bless. I will say a prayer for you.
HW
 
No advice Shelby, not so good at giving it. Just heart felt prayers and…people do change, especially with love and prayer.
 
I would recommend a book Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. They also have other books that might be helpful to you. You will learn about setting appropriate boundaries with your husband and protecting yourself and your children. I agree with the person who suggested you stop cooking for your husband and doing him other favors. I would say, “It makes me feel (insert feeling) when you yell at me. I want you to know that I will not talk to you while you’re yelling. I will (insert consequence) until you regain your composure.” Consequences can be leaving the room, taking the kids to a friend’s house for the night, not cooking dinner, etc. If you need to, even temporary separation can be very effective. The purpose of the consequence is to empower him to change. He probably never had to take responsibility for his anger before. Give him a chance to do that. So far, you are the one taking responsibility for his anger.

The approach I described will do several things.
(1) Your husband will realize that if he wants to have a peaceful life with his family, it’s up to him to straigten up his behavior. It then becomes his choice.
(2) It will protect your emotional health – you have an obligation to protect yourself by setting emotional and, if necessary, physical distance between you and your husband.
(3) It will give you a sense of control over your life – you won’t feel that you are always subject to his anger, having to tend to his every request.

Above all, show him unconditional love. When he is ready, suggest a name of a therapist or a support group. Let him know that you are there when he needs support. But it has to be his decision to change. Love doesn’t mean accepting bad behavior. Hang in there. If you need additional support, please feel free to write to me privately.
Lisa.
 
Dear Shelby,

I’m sorry that you are having to go through this right now. My husband and I have been in worse situations, amybe you have too & just didn’t write it. It seems to me that you need him to listen to you and you need to lsten to him more. Too bad people aren’t taught this. The good news is that there are programs to learn.

My husband and I just finished a Retrouvaille weekend and post sessions. Its along the lines of Marriage Encounter, but for couples who are experiencing real difficulties such as anger, infidelity, addictions etc.

Retrouvaille is a Catholic organization dedicated to teaching couples to recognize their feelings, communicate them and work on conflict management. It was a turning point in our marriage and it saved our marriage. They never turn a couple away due to lack of funds, it won’t cost anything except a weekend (and the next 6 Sunday afternoons). The website is : www.retrouvaille.org
You can get in touch with someone in your area.

I will be praying for you & your family.
 
Sounds like he is not a happy person.

Does he have a very stressful job?

Something is bothering this guy. I know because I am like that too.

Hopefully he will talk to you about it.

Maybe it was just a really bad day.
 
I know this isn’t really the same situation but it’s close. My fiance was always very protective of me and very jealous. I got to the point (when I went away to college) that he wouldn’t let me go out with friends, he always commented on how “skanky” my clothes looked (even when they didn’t), and how I was looking for someone to rape me, I was going to cheat on him…blah blah blah. Anyway, he always got so angry at me and I had no idea why. Eventually after much argument, he finally gave me a reason. When he was in university he tried cocaine twice and cheated on me with a girl in his classes. He ended up dropping out because of that, but never told me at that point. We did a lot of soul searching and decided to keep trying in our relationship. Everythign has changed now. He’s very happy, found a great job, he lets me go out with friends, dress how i want, and even said I coudl go to the bar by myself, though I wouldn’t. We have a great relationship now.

I’m not saying that your husband has cheated on you or is doing drugs but he may be, or it may be something else. I would try to get him to talk about it and if he doesn’t, keep trying. Remind him that he is not the only person he is hurting in your family. Tell him that his anger frightens you and your children. Tell him all the things that you are feeling.

Pray.
 
If you went into this marriage thinking you would never have fights and problems and tears…

if you think he doesn’t treat you or your children right, or at least as good or with the respect you feel you deserve…

if you didn’t go into this marriage with your eyes open (most of us don’t)…

if you thought it was a 50/50 deal (you are learning it’s a 100+.100 relationship…

If all the above is true, well, welcome to married life… i’m not saying all couples have the same or worse problem, but many do…
I’m not saying what he is doing is right, it’s not!.. I guess what i’m saying is…

do you love him? do you want it to work? do your REALLY care or are you just sticking it out for the kids and other relatives…

if you love him, Keep loving him… Pray for him and yourself, and your children…

Somewhere in those vows we married people took were the words “better or worse”, “good times and bad”, … TILL DEATH DO US PART…

if you love him, if you want it to work, if he’s not physically abusive to you and your children… Hang in there… I promise you… you will survive, he may be harboring ill feelings about lifes stresses, especially that small stress of having to support and maintain a family… he may not realise that his anger is really with himself…

Don’t give up… love him… you will be OK!..

May the love of God the Father, and the fellowship of his son Jesus Christ and the strength of the Holy Ghost be with you in your hours of need…

You will find strength in these forums… stay close, 👍
 
Dear Folks,

Thank you, each and every one who took time to give me advice. I read everyone very carefully and have gleaned so much information.
I do love my husband and want our marriage to be “until death…”. Although, the last few days it was…well… his “death”. With a frying pan.
I know a lot worse things go on to spouses than just cussing. I am glad I do not get beat upon!
I would really appreciate those prayers for him. He has come a long way at least since I met him in the arena of attending Mass…he was a drop-out Catholic and now we go together every Sunday and all holydays.
I know he could conquer this through Confession which has worked miracles in my life so if you would please pray specifically that he feel the need to go.
I believe I will look into the Retro-thingy…sounds like a good place to deal with this between ourselves first then others if it doesn’t work for him and he refuses…all very important advice from each of you, especially trying to keep it in perspective.
He actually doesn’t wake me up to make his lunch when he is mad at me or I am mad at him. Its weird. I do not know why…
I was nice to him when he came home and I broke the ice by saying that I reconsidered my idea of braining him with the frying pan. He started laughing. Then he reminded me they probably wouldn’t pay off the insurance to the murderer. I told him I hadn’t planned on getting caught. I planned on saying his head imploded during his loud snoring. That cracked him up.
So, tonight he actually played a card game with us…he usually sucks up after these incidents aka honeymoon period?
Well, I have to go to a funeral tomorrow. Pray for my brother-in-laws family. They have lost two sons in two years to freak auto/tractor accidents!
God Bless You ALL,
Shelby Grace
 
Dear Shelby,

What you are describing is abuse. It will not go away, it will only get worse. You need to get help and support for you and your children. I know the power of prayer, and i’m not saying that prayer won’t help or that miracles don’t happen. What I am saying is that you need to make sure you and your children are safe. Right now you are not safe. I am a pastoral counselor,
( therapist) and I know that you need to take the steps I have suggested. I have clients who have been in your situation, so I do have some idea of what you are going through. Please get help ASAP. You are not in any way responsible for your husband’s anger. It is not because of the messy van or a bad breakfast, or anything else you did or didn’t do. Blaming the victim is typical of an abuser. I am afraid that if you do not do something now, his anger will escalate until he becomes physically abusive. He needs help that you or any other untrained person can’t provide. He needs to see a professional therapist or at the least, join an anger management group. Please take steps to protect yourself and your children.
Peace,
Linda
 
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LindaS:
Dear Shelby,

What you are describing is abuse. It will not go away, it will only get worse. You need to get help and support for you and your children. I know the power of prayer, and i’m not saying that prayer won’t help or that miracles don’t happen. What I am saying is that you need to make sure you and your children are safe. Right now you are not safe. I am a pastoral counselor,
( therapist) and I know that you need to take the steps I have suggested. I have clients who have been in your situation, so I do have some idea of what you are going through. Please get help ASAP. You are not in any way responsible for your husband’s anger. It is not because of the messy van or a bad breakfast, or anything else you did or didn’t do. Blaming the victim is typical of an abuser. I am afraid that if you do not do something now, his anger will escalate until he becomes physically abusive. He needs help that you or any other untrained person can’t provide. He needs to see a professional therapist or at the least, join an anger management group. Please take steps to protect yourself and your children.
Peace,
Linda
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Ditto to everything she said. You know, even if it doesn’t escalate it’s still pretty bad, especially for your kids to witness this. The don’t have the coping mechanisms or emotional maturity to deal with this.

BTW, your honeymoon comment gave me the chills. Classic abuse senario.

I also suggest calling your local domestic violence center and ask find out what resources are available, like a shelter or safehome (if necessary), support groups, or just somebody to listen. It’s also a good idea to have a plan if things become physically violent.

Now about that husband of yours. Yes, he has a problem. I don’t know what it is - abused as a child, this is how his family functioned, chemical imblance, immaturity…some combination? I’m going to pray for him. I guess he’s my brother in Christ and is in need of prayer. But I’m angry you are being treated this way.
 
Shelby,

Thanks for your thread. It was the inspiration I needed to get up the courage to again ask my husband to attend Retrouvaille. I’ve just spent the past several hours drafting a letter, including excerpts from the Retrouvaille website.

Pray for me that he’ll accept, and that we both participate in a way that allows our Love to take the lead in the way we treat one another.

I’ll keep you and all others who are dealing with a marriage in trouble, in my prayers.

I’ve been trying to remember, rather than using my wit to toss back a nasty comment to his hurtful barbs, that Christ resides in him, even when I’m having difficulty seeing the it and I’m feeling hurt and disrespected. I need to decrease so that He can increase. (It’s so much easier said than done!)

CARose
 
Dear Shelby Grace, I can’t stop thinking about your situation. We had a similar situation in our family. First of all I always think people should pray and offer up their situations to God. I also think a family should do everything in their power to solve their problems and stay together. You and your husband must talk to a priest and work on his anger problem. This isn’t going to go away, it’s going to be the same routine any little thing is going to set him off and he’ll be sorry later. I don’t mean to sound harsh but I don’t think you realize how serious this is… In my family’s case the children of these parents are grown and they stay away from their father. The son is very disrespectful of women because he saw his father disrespecting his mother all those years, now the father is older and very sorry for his actions, and the mother is sorry she never did anything about it. That’s why I had to respond to your situation please do something for you, your husband and especially your children. I wish the best for you and I will be praying for you. Katharine
 
I would second the suggestion to attend Retrouvaille. It would be a nice a place for the two of you to discuss things and for him to make a self-examination, maybe on this retreat he will realize that he needs counseling and will go for it.

From my personal experiences with prideful guys, they seem to agree to do things on retreats that they would not otherwise do.

I will pray for you.
 
I watched the same abuse occur between my stepfather and my mom for about 10 years. It was like routine. He would get mad at nothing, yell, curse, call names, make everyone fear him, blame us for his anger and then need cool down time. After that he would apologize, and act like he was ‘just having a bad day’. But this is not just one day, it is not about a messy vehicle or tiredness, it is about him and how he views himself in relation to the family. In our situation, it was only shock therapy that finally got through to him, but by that time my mother refused to go back. Please, while you have the strength, help him to realize that you will not tolerate this treatment, and you will if necessary separate from him. My stepfather never thought my mother could do this, he took advantage of her love, he was wrong.

God bless you, and remain in Christ.
 
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