How should I reveal my past to the person I am seeing?

[confusedgirl]

Hi everyone, I am feeling conflicted and I would like some guidance with a conflict I am having. I am seeing this really great guy any mother would approve of him. He’s smart, hardworking, and best part he is a practicing Catholic. I really like having someone close in age that I can share my faith with and learn more from. I am in RCIA and I am loving the Church and I have completely died to my old self but when I was in my second year of university I wasn’t at my best.

I wasn’t so much rebellious but I had fallen into a depression. My mother had gone far away and I had moved into a new place with bad roommates and I had isolated myself. I stopped talking to friends, I stopped coming to church, and I had pretty much lost hope. From there I found myself with the wrong sort of guy who did not respect women and we had gotten into a sexual relationship that quickly became abusive and I met another guy after that and the relationship too became sexual. After that I was completely alone and lost and eventually I found my way back to Jesus and I was in the RCIA program and I have been celibate ever since.

I know that my depression is not an excuse for my actions and the fault is mine but I have changed and I want to be a part of the body of Christ and I want to be forgiven of my sins. I know God can forgive me but I am not so sure he will. I feel like this is something that I should tell him before the relationship gets serious but I just worry that he might not be forgiving. At the same time I do think that he deserves to know the truth. How should I go about telling him this?

 

[CradleJourney]

I would assume that as your relationship grows, you will naturally discuss various parts of each of your pasts.

When it seems appropriate, I’d simply say pretty much what you said here - that you’re happy to have found your way back to Jesus and how you have grown from who you use to be. That you had a time in your life where you struggled with depression and had a couple relationships with men where you tried to fill the emptiness, even to the point of enduring abuse. That you’re so happy not to be that person anymore. And I’d leave it at that - no names, no details, no huge confession. I’d answer honestly if he asked directly if that meant you were not a virgin, but otherwise I’d simply decline to discuss it.

In my opinion, experience, that would be sufficient to give him basic information to decide if he’s willing to accept you for who you are now or if prior relationships are an absolute deal breaker for him (I’d hope not, but you don’t know shrug).

Any more detail should wait till you both are at a point of considering marriage - and - truthfully, I’m not sure it’s even necessary for more at that point.

I know my husband had some relationships before we met, that there were only a couple that were intimate and that he’d been chaste for a long time before we started dating. What was much more important to me was the man he’d become - not who he was when he was in his late teens. Beyond knowing that and that there were no children or disease issues that could effect our future together, I never asked, nor did he reveal any more detail beyond that.

And in return, he got the same level of information from me. He let me know that he wasn’t perfect and didn’t expect to find someone to marry who’d had a perfect past either.

It was a positive sign, in my opinion that he would respect me enough not to question my past in specific detail and that he was honorable enough that he would not reveal private details of his past relationships even though they’d been over for several years and he never saw them anymore.

On the other hand, we talked a very, very great deal about what our values, expectations, feelings etc. were about our future relationship and how it would work after we were married. Seems to be the right decision - twenty years now and I haven’t regretted one minute.

 

[edwest2]

I dated a young lady for a while. We went to Church together. She told me she had a checkered past but had given her life to Christ. We liked and trusted each other. One day, we were driving somewhere and she said, “I want to tell you something but I don’t know if you would want to hear it.” I said: “Short of murder, go ahead.” She said: “I used to sleep around with a lot of guys.”

Me: “Are you still doing that?”

Her: “No.”

Then she paused and said: “I used to sleep around with a lot of women.”

Me: “Are you still doing that?”

Her: “No.”

I said: “Then we’re good.” She looked relieved and I was not deterred. I knew there was something but until then, not the whole story. She was living without that now. We were together and forward was the only way to go.

Ed

 

[joeybaggz]

Hi everyone, I am feeling conflicted and I would like some guidance with a conflict I am having. I am seeing this really great guy any mother would approve of him. He’s smart, hardworking, and best part he is a practicing Catholic. I really like having someone close in age that I can share my faith with and learn more from. I am in RCIA and I am loving the Church and I have completely died to my old self but when I was in my second year of university I wasn’t at my best.

Confusedgirl:

A practicing Catholic man would understand that forgiveness is what Christ was all about. Understanding and practicing the line in the Lord’s prayer, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive others” is a mark of someone who truly is a Catholic man. (or woman)

You are certainly not the only college age young woman (or man) who has wandered “off the reservation.” Don’t beat yourself up about it and realize that the marvelous thing is that you are working hard to come back home, and hopefully join him in the faith. And reveal what you need to slowly. If he is truly Catholic he will understand, if he refuses to understand and won’t listen, won’t forgive, and holds it against you, then losing him might be the best option. After all, in life, we often need to be forgiven for our mistakes. Especially in a marriage if that is what you possibly foresee.

Shalom

 

[Xantippe]

I would assume that as your relationship grows, you will naturally discuss various parts of each of your pasts.

When it seems appropriate, I’d simply say pretty much what you said here - that you’re happy to have found your way back to Jesus and how you have grown from who you use to be. That you had a time in your life where you struggled with depression and had a couple relationships with men where you tried to fill the emptiness, even to the point of enduring abuse. That you’re so happy not to be that person anymore. And I’d leave it at that - no names, no details, no huge confession. I’d answer honestly if he asked directly if that meant you were not a virgin, but otherwise I’d simply decline to discuss it.

In my opinion, experience, that would be sufficient to give him basic information to decide if he’s willing to accept you for who you are now or if prior relationships are an absolute deal breaker for him (I’d hope not, but you don’t know shrug).

Any more detail should wait till you both are at a point of considering marriage - and - truthfully, I’m not sure it’s even necessary for more at that point.

I know my husband had some relationships before we met, that there were only a couple that were intimate and that he’d been chaste for a long time before we started dating. What was much more important to me was the man he’d become - not who he was when he was in his late teens. Beyond knowing that and that there were no children or disease issues that could effect our future together, I never asked, nor did he reveal any more detail beyond that.

And in return, he got the same level of information from me. He let me know that he wasn’t perfect and didn’t expect to find someone to marry who’d had a perfect past either.

It was a positive sign, in my opinion that he would respect me enough not to question my past in specific detail and that he was honorable enough that he would not reveal private details of his past relationships even though they’d been over for several years and he never saw them anymore.

On the other hand, we talked a very, very great deal about what our values, expectations, feelings etc. were about our future relationship and how it would work after we were married. Seems to be the right decision - twenty years now and I haven’t regretted one minute.

Yep.

I would not share the sort of stuff the OP is mentioning unless things are getting very serious. This is not 3rd date material.

I would also discourage vivid detail. For one, it could be a source of temptation for an unmarried man to hear about sexual sin, and for another, the more vivid the description the easier it is to visualize and the harder it is to not think about.

 

[LoveMercyGrace]

I dated a young lady for a while. We went to Church together. She told me she had a checkered past but had given her life to Christ. We liked and trusted each other. One day, we were driving somewhere and she said, “I want to tell you something but I don’t know if you would want to hear it.” I said: “Short of murder, go ahead.” She said: “I used to sleep around with a lot of guys.”

Me: “Are you still doing that?”

Her: “No.”

Then she paused and said: “I used to sleep around with a lot of women.”

Me: “Are you still doing that?”

Her: “No.”

I said: “Then we’re good.” She looked relieved and I was not deterred. I knew there was something but until then, not the whole story. She was living without that now. We were together and forward was the only way to go.

Ed

simple forgiving loving, how these kind of discussions are meant, or have the potential, to go

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Some things are best unsaid and forgotten unless such issues are brought up. Then you can be honest and forthright. No need for details, just the necessary truth. Peace and prayers.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

What’s wrong with just saying , when an appropriate occasion comes around,

Well , unfortunately I made some really silly mistakes in my life,
But this is the new Me , we all make errors of judgement ,I’m only human,
And would like to be a better one, ,

or words to that effect ,you really Don’t need to get into the nitty gritty of your past mistakes

 

[MaryT777]

What’s wrong with just saying , when an appropriate occasion comes around,

Well , unfortunately I made some really silly mistakes in my life,
But this is the new Me , we all make errors of judgement ,I’m only human,
And would like to be a better one, ,

or words to that effect ,you really Don’t need to get into the nitty gritty of your past mistakes

There have been some wonderful answers on this thread for the OP to consider. One thing mentioned several times is not to go into unnecessary detail or as you say the very nitty gritty of these situations. One poster noted that details can lead one into the inability to not conjure up the images in their mind which can make it also hard to forget.

The few situations I know where discussions like this ended up extremely problematic is when the persons went into great detail about sexual situations at the pushing of the other who asked endless questions. I would not engage in anything beyond the basics one would need to know when the relationship is in very serious stages. This should be enough and if someone can’t discern without the intimate details it’s problematic.

As Ed said the only way to go is forward and that’s where the other person needs to decide if they can go forward with you.

Hope all works out and God Bless. So happy to hear you are on your way back home.

Mary.

 

[AdamP88]

I would assume that as your relationship grows, you will naturally discuss various parts of each of your pasts.

This. As someone who was in your situation I will say this, it may cause him some upset, especially if he’s a virgin and was “saving himself”.

But if he loves you and truly understands the Church teaching on forgiveness and appreciates your value as a person then he’ll get over it. It will become less “a thing” as life goes on and he gets to know you and love you more.
If it’s something he “just can’t get over” then praise God and be thankful that you didn’t marry someone who is incapable of loving you for who you are, and in spite of past errors.

I would echo the above comments that there’s no need to go into detail about specific things.

 

[Xantippe]

This. As someone who was in your situation I will say this, it may cause him some upset, especially if he’s a virgin and was “saving himself”.

But if he loves you and truly understands the Church teaching on forgiveness and appreciates your value as a person then he’ll get over it. It will become less “a thing” as life goes on and he gets to know you and love you more.
**If it’s something he “just can’t get over” then praise God and be thankful that you didn’t marry someone who is incapable of loving you for who you are, and in spite of past errors.
**
I would echo the above comments that there’s no need to go into detail about specific things.

Right.

And asking lots of detailed questions is also a sign of immaturity and bad judgment on the other person’s part–but it’s a mistake one might easily make through inexperience. Does he really need to know that the other guy was a 6’2" college swimming champion and part-time model? None of that information would be morally compromising, but it could lead to massive insecurity for the person asking the questions. (And sin aside, nobody wants to hear about how amazing previous girlfriends and boyfriends were.)

 

[MrsAngelala]

Basically say what you wrote here. He does need to know before you get too serious – definitely before you start talking about engagement, and ideally before you say “I love you.” You want that moment to be clean, without this hanging over your head. Since you’re already thinking about it, it will likely come up sooner than later. Sooner is probably better so you can avoid blowing it up into more than it needs to be in your imagination.

If you’re sitting side-by-side instead of looking directly at each other, it will be easier to get the words out of your mouth. Remember to explicitly state the presence or absence of any permanent physical consequences; otherwise it will just be another hurdle to jump later.

I sent you a private message with a story I hope will encourage you.

 

[AdamP88]

Basically say what you wrote here. He does need to know before you get too serious – definitely before you start talking about engagement, and ideally before you say “I love you.” You want that moment to be clean, without this hanging over your head. Since you’re already thinking about it, it will likely come up sooner than later. Sooner is probably better so you can avoid blowing it up into more than it needs to be in your imagination.

If you’re sitting side-by-side instead of looking directly at each other, it will be easier to get the words out of your mouth. Remember to explicitly state the presence or absence of any permanent physical consequences; otherwise it will just be another hurdle to jump later.

I sent you a private message with a story I hope will encourage you.

I don’t necessarily agree. The only benefit I can see to telling them early on is if you want to say it before you get to attached so that if they do turn out to be a virgin hunter, you can happily wave them bye, bye without too much hurt on your part.

 

[MrsAngelala]

AdamPeter, well yes, that would be one benefit. Given what you wrote above, I don’t understand why you think it’s a bad idea to divulge information so relevant to marriage sooner than later?:

If it’s something he “just can’t get over” then praise God and be thankful that you didn’t marry someone who is incapable of loving you for who you are, and in spite of past errors.

There is also a benefit to relieving her concern and anxiety, and a benefit to building a relationship upon truthfulness. Especially if she wants the relationship to get serious and doesn’t know what assumptions he’s making.

It also has something to do with when one is saying “I love you.” If it’s on the second date, then yes, revealing something like this before saying “I love you” would be rather quick!

 

[LundyLund]

My wife and I had this conversation early on in our relationship (I was in your position). I told her that I regretted my past, that what was important was my future. It worked out well for us, as we are now married 10 years.

I don’t think there’s a “right” time to have this conversation. I mean, don’t bust it out on the first date, but when you think it’s appropriate for you (you will know), have the conversation. Your words in the OP should be sufficient. I know it’s scary to think he might reject you, but that is a reality. And, he very well may accept your past. Wouldn’t that be something?

Also, BTW, welcome to the Church.

 

[Xantippe]

AdamPeter, well yes, that would be one benefit. Given what you wrote above, I don’t understand why you think it’s a bad idea to divulge information so relevant to marriage sooner than later?:

There is also a benefit to relieving her concern and anxiety, and a benefit to building a relationship upon truthfulness. Especially if she wants the relationship to get serious and doesn’t know what assumptions he’s making.

It also has something to do with when one is saying “I love you.” If it’s on the second date, then yes, revealing something like this before saying “I love you” would be rather quick!

Some issues:

1. If a person has a very active dating life, early disclosure might mean that literally dozens of people that the person doesn’t know very well will have highly sensitive information that (ideally) they shouldn’t have.

Only a minority of relationships are destined to go the distance.

1. Knowing that the person that one is dating has a sexual past can be a source of temptation. After all, if Suzie or George has already done XYZ with other people, why shouldn’t they do it with me?
2. Yeah–some people say “I love you” really fast. I would prefer to say that if the relationship is getting very serious/moving toward engagement, that’s a good time for disclosing sensitive information. But without vivid descriptions!

 

[Cassandra_Lyn]

The short answer is you shouldn’t reveal much. You should say you have had sexual relations in the past. He has a right to know if you have or haven’t had sex before, he doesn’t need to know the who, what, where, when, how or why. Giving more information risks hurt feelings on both sides.