How should I tell my parents about my interfaith relationship?

[starchick21]

Hi everyone! I’m a 20 year old American college student who’s been dating a Japanese international student for nearly three months now. Obviously, my boyfriend and I come from very different backgrounds, and I was wondering how to tell my parents about this relationship without having them freak out over it. A little info on my family: we’re Catholics of Middle Eastern descent (Chaldean, to be specific). I was born and raised in America, while my parents immigrated here in their 20s. My parents aren’t racist (some of my cousins are in interracial marriages), but I know they would have a problem with the fact that my boyfriend was raised without religion (through no fault of his own) like most Japanese people (there is a belief in God, but no adherence to organized religion). I know my parents would like him if they met him, though. He’s a genuinely good person: smart, work-oriented, and respectful (as far as sexual matters are concerned, he specifically told me that he won’t do anything I don’t want to do; he doesn’t pressure me at all). This has been eating away at me for a while now, and I’m tired of having to hide this relationship from my parents. Any advice from people who are or have been in interfaith relationships would be greatly appreciated. I really like this guy, and he makes me so happy. He treats me so well. It’s not like I don’t have allies either, because I do. My brother, aunt, and two of my cousins know about my relationship and are fairly open-minded about it, but it’s my parents I’m worried about.

 

[arthra]

Sooner or later your parents are going to learn of your relationship and it’s better if it comes from you rather than someone else…otherwise they’ll think you’ve been deceptive. Better to be up front with them.

 

[ClearWater]

Sooner or later your parents are going to learn of your relationship and it’s better if it comes from you rather than someone else…otherwise they’ll think you’ve been deceptive. Better to be up front with them.

Right.

 

[Porknpie]

I really like this guy, and he makes me so happy.

Some questions and thoughts Starchick:

Will he help you grow in Holiness, to love and serve our Lord?

Or…

Would he support your doing so on your own?

Would he support your raising children in the Catholic faith?

Would he attend Mass with you and your children or stay home as you do so?

Would he be willing to attend RCIA with you starting in August, as a means to learn more about your faith (no commitment until Easter Saturday).

IMHO, I would discuss these questions now to see how he answers.

These are life questions that deal with your ultimate happiness and will make your discussions with your parents more fruitful as they are likely to ask you the same so you might as well get ahead of them, ask, and get answers.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I don’t really understand why you are concerned. Do your parents think you are going to marry anyone you date? Maybe more info on your parents expectations of your choices would help people give advice.

 

[starchick21]

I don’t really understand why you are concerned. Do your parents think you are going to marry anyone you date? Maybe more info on your parents expectations of your choices would help people give advice.

I don’t know, it’s just that my parents seem to think that if I date a guy in college, it automatically means that I’m seriously considering marriage with him. This isn’t true, obviously, as my boyfriend and I haven’t even been together that long at all. We’re sort of just going with the flow. Anyway, my parents (my mom especially) are a bit closed-minded. This guy is hard-working and polite (the kind of guy any parent would want for their daughter), but I’m afraid they won’t even consider him just because he’s not Christian. It’s all so unfair, because I don’t believe you need to be Christian to be a good person.

 

[starchick21]

Some questions and thoughts Starchick:

Will he help you grow in Holiness, to love and serve our Lord?

Or…

Would he support your doing so on your own?

Would he support your raising children in the Catholic faith?

Would he attend Mass with you and your children or stay home as you do so?

Would he be willing to attend RCIA with you starting in August, as a means to learn more about your faith (no commitment until Easter Saturday).

IMHO, I would discuss these questions now to see how he answers.

These are life questions that deal with your ultimate happiness and will make your discussions with your parents more fruitful as they are likely to ask you the same so you might as well get ahead of them, ask, and get answers.

I haven’t really asked him these kinds of questions, because we’ve only been together for 3 months. He knows I’m a Christian, however, and he doesn’t have a problem with it. He doesn’t ridicule my faith or anything. It’s just something we don’t really talk about. However, I don’t think he would object to a church wedding if he knew it would make me happy. He’s a non-confrontational person in general. I can’t picture him creating any problems for me when it comes to raising children, either.

 

[Porknpie]

I haven’t really asked him these kinds of questions, because we’ve only been together for 3 months. He knows I’m a Christian, however, and he doesn’t have a problem with it. He doesn’t ridicule my faith or anything. It’s just something we don’t really talk about. However, I don’t think he would object to a church wedding if he knew it would make me happy. He’s a non-confrontational person in general. I can’t picture him creating any problems for me when it comes to raising children, either.

Understand the relationship is 3 months old. And there are relationships that are 3 months old that feel like they’re only a week old, and those that feel like it’s been a year. It depends on how much time you’ve spent with him. IMHO, I wouldn’t wait too long to ask some of these questions. Best to know now, rather than a longer period of time from now. I’d start with RCIA this Fall…if he really cares about you, he should be willing to attend RCIA, to know more about your faith. AND, the Holy Spirit is very capable of giving him the grace necessary to bring him to faith. Perhaps not immediately, but in the future.

In the end, he should understand well, your identity as a Catholic Christian and what that means to you, and what it would mean to him, if your relationship continued in the future.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I don’t know, it’s just that my parents seem to think that if I date a guy in college, it automatically means that I’m seriously considering marriage with him. This isn’t true, obviously, as my boyfriend and I haven’t even been together that long at all. We’re sort of just going with the flow. Anyway, my parents (my mom especially) are a bit closed-minded. This guy is hard-working and polite (the kind of guy any parent would want for their daughter), but I’m afraid they won’t even consider him just because he’s not Christian. It’s all so unfair, because I don’t believe you need to be Christian to be a good person.

Ask if they would be upset if you were dating a man who was not raised with religion but respects yours and has moral principals(assuming he does). Ask if they would like to meet him.

 

[Augustine]

I had a perhaps similar experience with my daughter. Though I expected her to find a good, Catholic man, she found a good, Sikh man. Since I met him before they entered into a relationship, I got to really admire him as a man of virtue and with strong family values, especially openness to life and to raising their Catholic children. So, though it was a surprise, at first, I felt blessed that she had met such a good man who truly wishes to faithfully make her happy.

To put it in perspective, her previous boyfriend was a Baptist and we found fewer shared values with him and his family than with my son in law and his family. Perhaps traditional cultures have more in common with the Catholic Faith than those informed by the darkness of atheism.

Pax Christi

 

[starchick21]

I had a perhaps similar experience with my daughter. Though I expected her to find a good, Catholic man, she found a good, Sikh man. Since I met him before they entered into a relationship, I got to really admire him as a man of virtue and with strong family values, especially openness to life and to raising their Catholic children. So, though it was a surprise, at first, I felt blessed that she had met such a good man who truly wishes to faithfully make her happy.

To put it in perspective, her previous boyfriend was a Baptist and we found fewer shared values with him and his family than with my son in law and his family. Perhaps traditional cultures have more in common with the Catholic Faith than those informed by the darkness of atheism.

Pax Christi

Wow, thanks! It’s nice to hear from a parent’s perspective. I can only hope my parents are capable of being this open-minded. Who knows, maybe they’ll end up surprising me!