How should we respond to my parents?

[sdenko]

My girlfriend of 3 months (we’ve been close friends for 11 months total) went home for my sister’s graduation party this past weekend.

I grew up in a Baptist home and my parents and sister go to a Baptist church. I myself would probably be more of a closet Catholic. My girlfriend is a craddle Catholic. Naturally there’s been some concern on the part of my family over the fact that I’m dating a Catholic.

Well I expected to go home and have a restful weekend and have my family get to know my girlfriend a little more. She’s only met them two other times and we’ve been away at university for the past three months.

The weekend was less that spectacular and both of us came away from the weekend hurt and confused over my family’s attitude and actions (or lack thereof) towards my girlfriend and I. We both felt completely unacknowledged by my parents and that they had no interest in us being there. My mother introduced my gf and I to our friends and family who were at the part as “This is ___'s friend…” rather than “This is ___'s girlfriend.” That was the first signal that things weren’t the way we thought they would be.

The rest of the weekend went rather poorly and my parents were acting completely out of character.

My gf and I talked through things on our drive back to our school and then tonight as a result of the weekend and a couple of other things, she and I both expressed our frustration and she explained how hurt she felt and how she felt like my parents didn’t approve of her and didn’t like her.

How do I respond to my parents? I’d like to give them the benefit of the doubt and just assume that something else was bothering them or that they were just afraid or uncertain of how to address the new relational dynamic that is present with a girlfriend and boyfriend. I’m the first one in our family to have a girlfriend so I’m wondering if that could have played in a bit. I want to believe the best about my family, that they had no intention of hurting me or my girlfriend. However, whatever their intention was, it still hurt.

I’m the type of person who needs lots of reassurance about whether or not I’m doing something right. This is my first relationship as well and my girlfriend is sometimes hurt and frustrated by my doubts about our relationship. She says that she’s the only one that believes in this relationship and I know that she’s right. When I don’t have my parents, who have supported me in everything else, saying “You’re doing okay?” it is a really hard hit in my sense of peace and assurance.

Thanks for any insight.

 

[Tsuwano]

My girlfriend of 3 months (we’ve been close friends for 11 months total) went home for my sister’s graduation party this past weekend.

I grew up in a Baptist home and my parents and sister go to a Baptist church. I myself would probably be more of a closet Catholic. My girlfriend is a craddle Catholic. Naturally there’s been some concern on the part of my family over the fact that I’m dating a Catholic.

Well I expected to go home and have a restful weekend and have my family get to know my girlfriend a little more. She’s only met them two other times and we’ve been away at university for the past three months.

The weekend was less that spectacular and both of us came away from the weekend hurt and confused over my family’s attitude and actions (or lack thereof) towards my girlfriend and I. We both felt completely unacknowledged by my parents and that they had no interest in us being there. My mother introduced my gf and I to our friends and family who were at the part as “This is ___'s friend…” rather than “This is ___'s girlfriend.” That was the first signal that things weren’t the way we thought they would be.

The rest of the weekend went rather poorly and my parents were acting completely out of character.

My gf and I talked through things on our drive back to our school and then tonight as a result of the weekend and a couple of other things, she and I both expressed our frustration and she explained how hurt she felt and how she felt like my parents didn’t approve of her and didn’t like her.

How do I respond to my parents? I’d like to give them the benefit of the doubt and just assume that something else was bothering them or that they were just afraid or uncertain of how to address the new relational dynamic that is present with a girlfriend and boyfriend. I’m the first one in our family to have a girlfriend so I’m wondering if that could have played in a bit. I want to believe the best about my family, that they had no intention of hurting me or my girlfriend. However, whatever their intention was, it still hurt.

I’m the type of person who needs lots of reassurance about whether or not I’m doing something right. This is my first relationship as well and my girlfriend is sometimes hurt and frustrated by my doubts about our relationship. She says that she’s the only one that believes in this relationship and I know that she’s right. When I don’t have my parents, who have supported me in everything else, saying “You’re doing okay?” it is a really hard hit in my sense of peace and assurance.

Thanks for any insight.

I don’t think I would respond to the situation at all. You say that you yourself have doubts about the relationship, so I wouldn’t be angry at your parents if they have doubts about it. Your relationship with your girlfriend may deepen, in which case you will be changed (hopefully for the better) and your parents will notice that in you. I’m sure they will acknowledge a positive change in you and credit your girlfriend’s influence for that change. If your relationship doesn’t grow deeper, well, that is an embarrassing argument with your parents that you have avoided. You say you want to believe the best about your parents and I think that is intuition speaking. Follow it. Anyway, relax. Parents often have a hard time watching their children leave the nest. Try to imagine what they must be feeling as they see you take control of your life and make decisions without their (name removed by moderator)ut. Don’t let anger or disappointment define your relationship with your parents. Trust their love for you.

 

[kage_ar]

Let it go.

First thing, this weekend was about your sister - not about you or your girlfriend. Give the attention to your sister as a graduation gift.

Second, you have been dating for 3 months. To your parents, this girl is a total stranger.

They were kind to invite her for the weekend (you DID ask if she could come for the weekend, right?)

I am a mom of a young man close to your age. I can tell you that I would have reservations about the character of a girl who would go away with a young man to whom she was not engaged or at least in a long time relationship that was leading to marriage. Your parents are WAY more open minded than I would be.

It can be difficult for a family to become close to a girl only when there is no commitment.

My brother dated a girl for years. We welcomed her, she became very close with me, my sister, my little neices, my mom - it was as if she was already married to my bother.

They broke up.

We all had to “break up” with this wonderful young woman as well, and that was hard.

The religious differences are something that CAN be overcome with love and prayer. Right now, it soulds like normal parent stuff.

Let it go, make sure your girlfriend writes a thank you note “thank you for the lovely weekend” to your mom. Build bridges if you plan on making this a long term relationship.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I agree with kage-ar (nothing new there). With that thank you letter, why don’t you and your gf buy some small goody or household thing for your parents?

 

[sdenko]

I don’t think I would respond to the situation at all. You say that you yourself have doubts about the relationship, so I wouldn’t be angry at your parents if they have doubts about it.

I feel like I, at the very least, need to tell my parents that we were hurt, because what I’m afraid is going to happen is that we are going to let that frustration fester and it will turn into a deeper resentment. If we got everything out on the table and realized that some of our assumptions were wrong or that my parents were just having a rough weekend, then we could all move on. But if there’s something that is deeper, like parent’s uncertainity about me quite possibly marrying a Catholic, then I need to address that.

The doubts that I have are not founded on any concrete evidence as to why I should not be in a relationship with my gf. We agree on every major issue relating to relationships, sex, marriage, kids, family life, jobs, where we would live, etc. etc.

My doubts are based upon my fears alone and those fears have no real basis to them.

Your relationship with your girlfriend may deepen, in which case you will be changed (hopefully for the better) and your parents will notice that in you. I’m sure they will acknowledge a positive change in you and credit your girlfriend’s influence for that change.

I guess that I feel like I’ve been with this girl for 11 months, dating for three months but basically the 8 months before that we agreed not to see anyone. We just focused on getting to know each other as friends, we prayed about wehther or not we should be in a deeper relationship together. So in a sense, we were essentially dating for 11 months, it just became official three months ago.

And everyone else that knows me well has seen a tremendous change for the positive in me. Most people would not recognize me a year ago and where I am today. People who are close to me (that are not my parents) have all said that they have seen a huge change in me.

So the positive change is there, but my parents are the only ones who don’t seem to see it.

Thank you for taking the time to reply!!!

 

[sdenko]

Let it go.

First thing, this weekend was about your sister - not about you or your girlfriend. Give the attention to your sister as a graduation gift.

I guess you’re right in saying this, I just assumed that because my gf and I had taken a weekend off in the midst of a very busy semester, I would have expected at the very least a little more acknowledgement on the part of my parents. I felt like the only times we were together were for meals.

Second, you have been dating for 3 months. To your parents, this girl is a total stranger.

She met me and my family for lunch last April and my mom said: “I can see why you like her.” And then she came down to my house for a weekend in the summer. But last night she said that that weekend was much better than this past weekend. It wasn’t as awkward.

They were kind to invite her for the weekend (you DID ask if she could come for the weekend, right?)

Well I did ask, but for me it was just assumed that it would be okay seeing as she is my gf and that she would be coming to my house where I grew up. Granted, in a way it is my parents house now because I don’t live there, but again, I was thinking that my parents would totally be okay with it because they would want to get to know her.

I am a mom of a young man close to your age. I can tell you that I would have reservations about the character of a girl who would go away with a young man to whom she was not engaged or at least in a long time relationship that was leading to marriage. Your parents are WAY more open minded than I would be.

See I guess this is just tough for me to understand…perhaps I’ll know more about it once I have kids of my own. But I think rather than having those reservations and waiting for engagement or a long-term relationship I would want to get to know the other person as soon as possible to some degree so that I wouldn’t have these assumptions based upon a few interactions over the period of one or two weekends. Would it not be better that after a dating relationship begins that the parents of both sides get to know the couple? I can see that assumptions based upon a few conversations can get so cemented into the mind of a parent that when it comes time to really get to know the individual, then it is hard to get rid of those assumptions that were made. I don’t know, I guess this is just me.

It can be difficult for a family to become close to a girl only when there is no commitment.

Well in a sense, there is a committment. It isn’t the same level of committment as a marriage or engagement of course. But my gf and I have still made a level of committment at the very basic level of being in a relationship together and committing to staying pure together as we date, committing that we will pray about our relationship and make God a part of it, committing that we won’t see other people. So I don’t quite see why dating relationships are non-committal. Because to me they totally are…and this is coming from someone who used to be very scared of committments…so much so that when friends asked me on a Friday if I wanted to do something on Saturday, I’d say “Maybe.”

Furthermore, I guess I see the committment to discerning marriage more seriously as just another level on the committment scale.

My brother dated a girl for years. We welcomed her, she became very close with me, my sister, my little neices, my mom - it was as if she was already married to my bother.

They broke up.

We all had to “break up” with this wonderful young woman as well, and that was hard.

I see what you mean, I suppose that I’m not really looking for this degree of closeness between my gf and my family…you’re right, this should wait until marriage. But at the very least, I would hope for some degree of a relationship between my gf and my family to be formed. For my family to really want to get to know this young woman who could quite possibly become their daughter-in-law.

Let it go, make sure your girlfriend writes a thank you note “thank you for the lovely weekend” to your mom. Build bridges if you plan on making this a long term relationship.

See, I’m not keen on just letting things go because the way things are going, I’m just afraid that they might fester over the long run and result in a far messier situation that might permanently damange my relationship with my parents or with my gf. And I can’t tell my gf what to do and judging from the hurt that my gf experienced this weekend, I don’t think she’d be too keen on sending something. I feel like she would only be more frustrated because she had to do something that she really didn’t sincerely mean. Because I don’t think either of us were very thankful for the weekend…it would have been much better for us to not go all together or for me to go alone.

 

[SMHW]

I second what kage_ar said.

You went home to celebrate your sister’s graduation. That was an event that was for family and friends of your sister. Your girlfriend should have been in the background of everyone’s attention. This was not a good time to expect anyone to try and get to know your girlfriend. Since she was your friend rather than your sister’s friend or a family friend it was gracious of your family to have her present. Do not lose sight of the fact that she is *NOT *family and as far as we know there are no plans to make her family.

This sister is the youngest child in your family? I’d also consider the possibility that your parents are wrestling with the prospect of having an empty nest soon. That tends to cause all kinds of mixed up feelings. You bringing home a reminder that you will likely as not be getting married (to this girl or someone else) and having children of your own in the somewhat near future could be making things seem even more confused to your parents.

You say that you’ve already gotten some grief over the fact that you are dating a Catholic? You probably realize that many Baptists have doubts about whether or not Catholics are Christians and can “be saved”. I can assure you that Catholics are Christians and do (or should) believe that we are saved by the grace of God rather than by our works. But there are some serious differences in how we understand sin and salvation. Your parents are reasonably concerned that a relationship with a woman will affect your relationship with God. I believe they are wrong to worry about her being a Catholic. But I don’t think they are wrong to be concerned about your faith in general.

As kage_ar says, let this one go. If this relationship grows into something more serious (and “serious” means you are seriously contemplating marriage) then you do need to address your family’s concerns and the way they treat your girlfriend. But right now she *is *just a friend so don’t expect her to get family treatment.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I guess you’re right in saying this, I just assumed that because my gf and I had taken a weekend off in the midst of a very busy semester, I would have expected at the very least a little more acknowledgement on the part of my parents. I felt like the only times we were together were for meals. It was your sister’s big weekend. Not yours. Having older children who are now adults, I can tell you that a graduation weekend is a hectic thing.

She met me and my family for lunch last April and my mom said: “I can see why you like her.” And then she came down to my house for a weekend in the summer. But last night she said that that weekend was much better than this past weekend. It wasn’t as awkward. Big whoop! It’s about feelings or it’s about your parents being stretched to be good hosts for an extra person as well as all the events attached to your sister’s graduation? NO!

Well I did ask, but for me it was just assumed that it would be okay seeing as she is my gf and that she would be coming to my house where I grew up. Granted, in a way it is my parents house now because I don’t live there, but again, I was thinking that my parents would totally be okay with it because they would want to get to know her. Just because they did not perform hot and cold running cartwheels for you and your GF does not mean they were not glad to see you.

See I guess this is just tough for me to understand…perhaps I’ll know more about it once I have kids of my own. I should hope so. But I think rather than having those reservations and waiting for engagement or a long-term relationship I would want to get to know the other person as soon as possible to some degree so that I wouldn’t have these assumptions based upon a few interactions over the period of one or two weekends. :banghead:For the last time, NOT at the weekend that was important to your sister. Remember? Your sister? The graduate and reason for the weekend? It was not the big weekend to expect your parents have have time to bond. Would it not be better that after a dating relationship begins that the parents of both sides get to know the couple? I can see that assumptions based upon a few conversations can get so cemented into the mind of a parent that when it comes time to really get to know the individual, then it is hard to get rid of those assumptions that were made. I don’t know, I guess this is just me. Yes, you and your GF are in love. How nice. But there’s other things going on, so please give them the benefit of the doubt and a break.

…For my family to really want to get to know this young woman who could quite possibly become their daughter-in-law. :banghead:The weekend was not about you and your GF.

See, I’m not keen on just letting things go because the way things are going, I’m just afraid that they might fester over the long run and result in a far messier situation that might permanently damange my relationship with my parents or with my gf. Then act the man and keep your big beak buttoned. And I can’t tell my gf what to do and judging from the hurt that my gf experienced this weekend, I don’t think she’d be too keen on sending something. It is the polite thing to do, not some sort of prize because they were the perfect hosts. I feel like she would only be more frustrated because she had to do something that she really didn’t sincerely mean. That’s adulthood Bubba, and it’s also good Christian charity and good manners. Your parents could’ve said no. They were polite and civil and opened their home during a big family event. Buck up, send a properly worded and polite thank you letter- known as a bread-and-butter letter- and some small gift. And yes, you CAN tell your GF to send one too. Tell her Burbs said so. If you want to aggravate your parents, don’t send one and watch what happens. Because I don’t think either of us were very thankful for the weekend …it would have been much better for us to not go all together or for me to go alone. IT WAS NOT ABOUT YOU! WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD???

You sound right now like you wanted them to fawn all over you and your girlfriend stealing your sister’s thunder for her big day, or you wanted to fight with them. If I were you, I would consider holding off on marriage for a very long time. You are no where near ready to handle it if you and your GF can’t understand that your sister’s graduation was not the time nor the place for your parents to meet a prospective family member and get to know her.

 

[puzzleannie]

We both felt completely unacknowledged by my parents and that they had no interest in us being there. My mother introduced my gf and I to our friends and family who were at the part as “This is ___'s friend…” rather than “This is ___'s girlfriend.” That was the first signal that things weren’t the way we thought they would be.

The rest of the weekend went rather poorly and my parents were acting completely out of character.
.

you don’t give any other examples of your parents’ behavior or why it disturbed you. perhaps they made introduction that way because they did not want to give people the false impression that the 2 of you are living together. It also depends on how open about your relationship you have been with your parents, and as it is unclear to me, reading your post, what that relationship is, since I never know what somebody means by gf/bf, I would be confused, too, and careful not to give a wrong interpretation.

to get my sympathy I would have to hear more about actual mistreatment, not impressions, and not without hearing their side of the story. You also did not give any reason to believe your family bears animosity toward either you or your friend because of religion.

 

[puzzleannie]

I. So in a sense, we were essentially dating for 11 months, it just became official three months ago.

!!!

what became “official”? there is nothing official whatever about a dating relationship. When you become engaged, that is official, and then you can celebrate and expect your family and others to acknowledge your new status. You also say you have been away from home for a year, the girl is essentially unknown to your family, yet you expect them to notice a change in you over one short weekend, at a time when attention should have been focused on your sister, not you. You further expect them to act–how? you don’t say–toward your friend. It sounds like you had unrealistic expectations, are disappointed they were not meant, are trying to avoid resentment (a good thing, you are to be commended) but it is rather silly to allow resentment to arise without a good reason.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Don’t worry about it, dude. My parents, and my fiance’s parents, were the same way until we were engaged. Until they see you take that important, adult step in confirming your relationship as one that will last for the rest of your life, they are going to act as if you’re friends. Maybe if you date for a few YEARS they’ll take you more seriously, but 3 months? That’s NOTHING to an adult who has been married for several years. I’m willing to bet it doesn’t have anything to do with your gf being Catholic, and more to do with them just not making a big deal out of something that isn’t yet a big deal for them!

If you decide you will marry this girl, and get engaged, THEN they’ll make a fuss. That’s when they should be expected to make a fuss. Right now, you are just two people who have decided to have a exclusive relationship and get to know each other better. Until you make a commitment, you are just boyFRIEND and girlFRIEND. I’m not belittling your relationship, I’m just saying that’s where you are right now, there is nothing wrong with that, and that’s probably how your parents see it.

Don’t worry about it, keep working on your relationship, and don’t forget to pray about it!

 

[kage_ar]

It will only fester if you and your girlfriend pick at the scab.

You have hurt feelings, feelings are not what we should base our lives on, so, let the hurt feelings go.

Saying thank you for hosting your girlfriend is a must. It will be very rude if there is no thankyou for being host to a houseguest (that sounds as if may have been uninvited in the first place).

When you lived at home, did you bring people over without asking your parent’s permission? “Mom, can I have my friend over to spend the weekend” is a must, why would it have changed simply because you are in college and in love? Instead of a buddy bunking out in your room, your parents had to provide another room for this young woman. They went out of their way. If you and your girlfriend do not see this as hospitality worthy of a thank you note, then, you are both in for a very long row to hoe.

Go spend $2 on a hallmark thank you card. Mail it and let it go.

 

[Ruthie]

Burbs has made a very good point, harsh though it seems.

Ask yourself, when you graduate from college, and your parents throw you a party to celebrate, would you expect your sister’s new steady date to be the center of attention?

I think (with a smile) that your parents must have spoiled you a little bit, and not shown you what a big deal it is to throw a graduation party. Either that, or this is the first one they’ve thrown.

Of course you had a better time the first weekend. There was no Big Event taking up anyone’s attention, so it was more relaxed!

So write that bread-and-butter letter now. :tsktsk:

God bless you,

Ruthie

 

[chevalier]

To be honest, I’d rather have people use the word “friend” than “girlfriend”. Girlfriend is no one’s business and friend is an honourable title. To be honest, I hate the “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” word and I believe it’s hardly fit for anyone aged over 16. The very word stress with which people pronounce “girlfriend” annoys me.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

My ILs were very leery of the fact that I was Catholic when DH and I started dating. It permiated the relationship I had with them from the beginning.
While DH and his parents did talk about it (read: argue constantly), DH did not stand up to them or “nip it in the bud”.

You need to figure out if this is because she is Catholic, or if it’s something else. Regardless of how new the relationship is, you need to make the relationship between your gf and your parents as wonderful as possible. If it means “coming out of the Catholic closet” to them, than so be it. But you have to make sure that they honor the fact that your gf is part of the One True Faith.

 

[Seatuck]

I think it would be a huge mistake to do anything other than let this go. It is a Spiritual Work or Mercy to bear wrongs patiently and this is an opportunity for you.

You say that it is possible that other things were going on that could have caused it. Assume the best for now.

If something else happens at a later date then you should discuss it but not in terms of “we” only in terms of “I” while this relationship is so young. This is not your fiance or wife you are not a “we” yet.

You don’t really provide evidence that religious difference was an issue but you should prepare yourself that this might be the case.