How soon can a widow begin dating?

[PaulGH]

My wife had a teacher in college, who told how she came to marry her husband: This teacher had married the man who previously had been her best friend’s husband. They married soon after the best friend died, and this situation had been arranged and agreed to by all three of them while the best friend (the first wife) was still alive. I guess that from the perspective of the first wife, maybe it gave her comfort to know that her husband would not be alone and would have someone to look after him – and not just any random woman, but someone whom she knew and trusted.

This story doesn’t have much relevance to the current thread, but perhaps it is relevant in one way: It may be important to ask, what would the deceased spouse want? That’s not to say that the deceased spouse’s wishes should have complete control. But if it is clear that the widow had the blessing of her late husband to date and marry again, then maybe dating again two months later isn’t so bad.

 

[mommamaree]

My wife had a teacher in college, who told how she came to marry her husband: This teacher had married the man who previously had been her best friend’s husband. They married soon after the best friend died, and this situation had been arranged and agreed to by all three of them while the best friend (the first wife) was still alive. I guess that from the perspective of the first wife, maybe it gave her comfort to know that her husband would not be alone and would have someone to look after him – and not just any random woman, but someone whom she knew and trusted.

This story doesn’t have much relevance to the current thread, but perhaps it is relevant in one way: It may be important to ask, what would the deceased spouse want? That’s not to say that the deceased spouse’s wishes should have complete control. But if it is clear that the widow had the blessing of her late husband to date and marry again, then maybe dating again two months later isn’t so bad.

What a beautiful story of love and loss and love again! Wow.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

I had a professor in college who told the story of how he met his wife: He was an usher at his (Protestant) church and helped a visiting woman who was about 7-8 months pregnant and also had a toddler with her to find a seat. Then, he felt God tell him very clearly, this is your future wife. To which he replied, uh God, are you sure about that, because she’s pregnant and wearing a wedding ring. After the service, he provided this visiting mom with a packet of information about their church and invited her to participate in a program for mothers of young children. They quickly became friends through church activities. It turns out that she had been widowed just a month or two before her first visit to that church. They began dating about three months after the birth of her second child, and married within a year of dating.

By the time I met them, they’d been married for 20+ years and were marriage mentors in their church. I deeply admire both of them and what they taught me about marriage.

All situations are not created equal. Certainly, dating after the loss of one’s spouse requires great caution and prudence, but there are no black-and-white rules.

 

[CyrilSebastian]

In the 1800s a widow should be in mourning for eighteen months.
She had to be dressed in black.
The black could not be a lively blue black.

 

[mommamaree]

In the 1800s a widow should be in mourning for eighteen months.
She had to be dressed in black.
The black could not be a lively blue black.

I am curious, were there also proscribed rules for the financial support of her and her children during that time? As others have mentioned, unless there is an adequate life insurance policy (rather a modern concept) a widow is especially vulnerable. In periods of history where public mourning was required, who made sure they did not starve or become homeless?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

In the 1800s a widow should be in mourning for eighteen months.
She had to be dressed in black.
The black could not be a lively blue black.

FWIW, from what I was told by various people born in the late 1800s/early 1900s that it was not uncommon for woman to remarry shortly after a spouse died. That was simply due to economics; many times a woman could not support herself on her own.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Since marriage is “until death do us part,” it would seem that once a spouse has died, the other is free to see other people…

“Thus a married woman is bound by law to her living husband; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law in respect to her husband. Consequently, while her husband is alive she will be called an adulteress if she consorts with another man. But if her husband dies she is free from that law, and she is not an adulteress if she consorts with another man.” Rom. 7:2-3

The mourning customs reported here are the rules of man, not rules of the Church. There isn’t any sin involved if they are violated, although there can be social repercussions, as the OP’s friend found.

 

[EasterJoy]

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think it is wise to make any big decisions for at least six months after the stress of the death of a spouse or a child, unless perhaps it was a death that was anticipated. It is a very emotionally vulnerable time, and so prudence argues against putting those emotions to work to do any long-term decision-making.

That is what I’d say if I were asked. If I weren’t asked, then I’d not feel I had the standing to admonish, since failing to follow what I think are wise rules is no sin.

 

[Galbin]

Grief can literally make some people go crazy. I wonder if that is what is happening here…

 

[EasterJoy]

Grief can literally make some people go crazy. I wonder if that is what is happening here…

Suffice it to say that most widows and widowers advise not allowing anyone to push you into dating, but also not to rush back in. The view from retrospect from those who know is to wait at least a year. If the friend is someone well-known to her, however, then she may not have seen it as a “dating” situation initially. Still, it is her choice. The widows and widowers don’t say “wait, or its insulting”. They say, “wait, you are unlikely to be on an even keel.” It is not insulting to the dead for the living to keep living.

 

[tafan]

In the 1800s a widow should be in mourning for eighteen months.
She had to be dressed in black.
The black could not be a lively blue black.

Please provide some reference for this claim. It may be true for some who were well supported or wealthy. For the common person, especially a widow or widower who had kids, the norm was to remarry as soon as possible. I am fairly certain if this.

 

[EasterJoy]

Please provide some reference for this claim. It may be true for some who were well supported or wealthy. For the common person, especially a widow or widower who had kids, the norm was to remarry as soon as possible. I am fairly certain if this.

After Queen Victoria went into her elaborate mourning after Prince Albert died in 1861, people conformed to the mourning customs if they were at all able, including a year of deep mourning for women and another year of gradually lesser mourning, which caused a great deal of financial hardship with regards to obtaining the right clothing. They did not want to admit they were so poor they couldn’t do the “decent” thing that the “right” people did, so they’d endure substantial hardship in order to keep up appearances.

Even before Prince Albert died, women were generally required to wait a year to remarry (so there would be no question of whose the child was or when it was conceived, when they had another), while men could remarry very soon, and often did if they had small children.

 

[Maine52]

Exactly!

My dad started dating his wife a few months after my mom passed. He’s one of those guys who is hopeless without a woman to take care of him. He found a good woman. My siblings andI could see no reason to object. Mom was gone. Nothing could bring mom back. We didn’t want dad to be alone. So, he dated and married.

If my husband, who I love passionately beyond logic and reason, were to die I would be devastated. But after a few weeks I will have done all the crying I can do and I am one who understands there is nothing that could change death. So, yeah, I’d date within a month or two if I were asked by a suitable man. Life’s too short to pass up the opportunity for a good thing and no one knows that better than someone who recently suffered an unexpected loss.

The OP’s friend is not committing a sin. However, I can most definitely see where it would appear disrespectful to her husband that she is dating again so soon.

Everyone grieves differently and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If I were to die before my husband, I would want him to find someone else to spend the rest of his life with. However, if I knew he would begin dating the minute I died or a few weeks after I died, I would feel hurt and disrespected. Does that make me selfish?

 

[Maine52]

Exactly!

My dad started dating his wife a few months after my mom passed. He’s one of those guys who is hopeless without a woman to take care of him. He found a good woman. My siblings andI could see no reason to object. Mom was gone. Nothing could bring mom back. We didn’t want dad to be alone. So, he dated and married.

If my husband, who I love passionately beyond logic and reason, were to die I would be devastated. But after a few weeks I will have done all the crying I can do and I am one who understands there is nothing that could change death. So, yeah, I’d date within a month or two if I were asked by a suitable man. Life’s too short to pass up the opportunity for a good thing and no one knows that better than someone who recently suffered an unexpected loss.

The OP’s friend is not committing a sin. However, I can most definitely see where it would appear disrespectful to her husband that she is dating again so soon.

Everyone grieves differently and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s great that you could bounce back so soon after losing a beloved spouse. I admire you for that, I really do. If I were to die before my husband, I would want him to find someone else to spend the rest of his life with. However, if I knew he would begin dating the minute I died or a few weeks after I died, I would feel hurt and disrespected. Does that make me selfish?

 

[Maine52]

You are not selfish in wanting to know that your husband loves you. However, dating after death does not mean a spouse never loved their husband or wife. I think people are comparing two things here: the callous person who is delighted that their spouse is dead and can’t wait to begin dating, and the person who is beside themselves with grief and is trying to escape to numb the pain of being surrounded by crushing silence and loneliness.

Unless we know which category the person falls into, it is with Christian charity we should assume that they fall into the latter, and give them our sympathy and assume that they are deeply grieving. So it is really not the act of dating that I think most people are upset about , it is the mindset of “moving on and not caring” I am guessing. Also, if you are in Heaven (hopefully) and in the arms of Jesus Christ, beholding the face of the Almighty God I believe that you will not be feeling “disrespected” at what your grieving husband is doing here on earth you will be praying and interceding for him in his deep pain trying to help him.

I agree with everything you said. Indeed, if I were in the arms of Jesus, I would not be feeling disrespected. What I meant was, if today my husband said to me, “If you die before I do, I would grieve for a few weeks, then move on to date someone else,” I would feel disrespected.

Yes, perhaps some widowed persons go mad with grief and jump into new relationships when they don’t really know what they’re doing. I am not trying to judge the OP’s friend, as I do not know the details of her circumstances. I do not mean to judge anyone. I am just stating my opinion. The poster I was quoting said she loves her husband very much but if he died she would grieve for a few weeks, then just accept the fact that he’s gone, and move on. Respectfully, I just don’t understand this. It’s different for everyone, I understand that. I guess I just can’t fathom moving on a few weeks after the death of someone as close to you as the spouse to whom you are happily married.

 

[Galbin]

You are not selfish in wanting to know that your husband loves you. However, dating after death does not mean a spouse never loved their husband or wife. I think people are comparing two things here: the callous person who is delighted that their spouse is dead and can’t wait to begin dating, and the person who is beside themselves with grief and is trying to escape to numb the pain of being surrounded by crushing silence and loneliness.

I imagine the vast majority of persons dating so soon after loss are in the second category. I really do.

 

[LovingMass]

I have previously read about widows/widowers who were so very happily married that they rather quickly engage in another relationship, seeking to again find the joys lost with the death of their spouse. In no circumstance though, including after a death, do I believe that any of us should spend our energies judging the qualities of someone else’s marriage. We do not and should not know the intimate details of their love.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is one thing to fail to feel what you think you’d feel after your spouse dies. Emotions are not always predictable and don’t always follow what we think. It is quite another thing to predict no problems with getting past the death of your spouse. You may as well just say, “Whether you live or you die, it is all the same to me!” or even “I look forward to living my life without you in it!”

Even if you are simply someone who has had a lot of experience with death and you know that it is your nature to simply pick it up and soldier on, it is not sensitive to tell some particular person, let alone your spouse, that you would feel nothing if he or she were dead. Individuals themselves have very deep feelings when they contemplate their own death, and at least they like to think they’ll leave a void when they’re gone!! It’s the least you can do to either express a similar feeling or else express a desire to avoid thinking about it.

 

[EasterJoy]

So do I, that’s why I always cringe when I hear people making judgmental comments about widows or widowers dating “too soon.” I personally don’t think most of them are necessarily dating for romantic reasons or that they didn’t love their spouse or don’t think about them, it is to help numb the unbearable pain and loneliness.

It is just as fair to assume that by “too soon” what is usually being expressed is a fear of harm to the surviving spouse, not an expression of offense at some violation of propriety. After all, many widows and widowers say they started dating sooner than they ought to have, in retrospect, because the overall effect of their choice was to exacerbate their trial, rather than ameliorate it, as they had originally hoped.

IOW, to express a caution (if* asked for feedback!), is not necessarily judgmental. If worded in a sensitive way, it could merely be in keeping with the wisdom of those who have been through this trial before–that is, when it doubt, it is probably better to wait longer than you think you need to, even when that is much longer* than a year.

 

[EasterJoy]

God bless, I agree with you completely. My heart aches for a surviving spouse that jumps into another relationship before they are emotionally ready to handle it. They are of course bringing more misery into their lives by doing so, how unfortunate. The situation I was speaking of was simply those of people who chose companionship, a cup of coffee or a movie, and were gossiped about. Even here on this forum some expressed that the wife in the original post must have not loved her husband since she sought companionship only after two months so that is the circumstance I meant to address. Happy Easter!

I hear you! The Church wisely teaches us to put the best possible interpretation on the words and actions of others. Even when we do need correction or the suggestion that we examine ourselves, we are the most likely to hear the guidance that comes from those we know have always tried their best to think the best of us, the ones who are in no hurry to run anyone else’s life but their own.