How soon can a widow begin dating?

[DAML72]

I don’t know if there is any church guidance on this issue, but I am curious what others think. An acquaintance of mine lost her husband suddenly in an accident about six months back. She is a SAHM with three small kids and is in her early thirties.

Within in two months of his death, she began dating someone new. As far as I know, they don’t have an intimate relationship, but she views him as more than a friend and as a potential new husband. She made the somewhat questionable decision to tell her late husband’s family that she is seeing someone. They were extremely angry and upset, swore at her, accused her of cheating on their son while he was alive and of disrespecting his memory. It’s put some distance between her kids and their grandparents at a time when the kids need so much support.

So, does the church have anything to say on this issue? Since marriage is “until death do us part,” it would seem that once a spouse has died, the other is free to see other people. I know a year of mourning used to be considered customary, but was that just a tradition or any sort of rule? I know she is young and lonely, and I don’t begrudge her companionship, but two months just seems too soon

I think it’s too soon, but not because of disrespect to her husband, etc. It sounds to me like she is trying to avoid mourning. I think I was still in shock 2 months after my husband left. Something sounds very off to me about this whole situation. Bottom line is that until she faces her loss, she’s not going to be able to forge a healthy marriage.

 

[DAML72]

The need to grieve is certainly important and the good of the family - his family etc ought to be taken into consideration. Time is important.

But having said that:

St. (Sir) Thomas More - lost his young wife (married only 6 years) - and with four very young children to care for -what could he do? What did he do in fact to meet this need? He married the best woman available - a widower (she was older than he who was 33 -she was 40) (he knew Alice well from working with her late husband). He obtained the needed dispensation for a speedy marriage - he was known of course for his holiness so there was nothing unseemly here - and was married quickly and the children had a new mother to care for them —

What was the time frame? --that that new marriage took place that is --(contrary to advice of friends and custom):

Within 30 days.

See “A Portrait of Courage” scepterpublishers.org/product/index.php?FULL=139

Times have changed.

 

[Joe_5859]

*Certainly *-- normally one ought not start dating say the funeral director at the funeral…or some guy one met at the funeral…going out for drinks that night!

I know you were probably speaking hypothetically here, but I know a guy who did go out clubbing the night of his wife’s funeral. Not cool.

I’m sorry if I offended anyone in this thread. My take on the situation was that as an acquaintance, her term, it is not her place to seek Catholic Church’s take on the woman’s behavior. In addition, I’m sure the widow didn’t ask for an update on church doctrine. I have also read enough of Michelle Arnold’s posts to know that when someone complains that a person is receiving the Eucharist unworthily, she tells the writer to pay more attention to their own sins and less to the other person’s.

I got what you were getting at. For all of us internet Catholics, this is a theological brain exercise. But for the OP, he’s asking about a woman he really knows. Encouraging him to “butt out” is not outside the realm of good advice.

Do I think two months is pretty soon? Yes. Would I be concerned about the prudence of such a course of action. Sure. Would I presume to pass judgment on the woman or tell her that she is disrespecting her husband’s memory? No way!

MomtoEandM, you say that this woman is an acquaintence. As such, I do not see how you would possibly have the knowledge necessary to make a judgment call on what she is doing. Pray for her and pray for her deceased husband’s family. No doubt they are all hurting.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

I know you were probably speaking hypothetically here, but I know a guy who did go out clubbing the night of his wife’s funeral. Not cool. :mad

Hey, whatever happened to everybody grieves differently and we shouldn’t judge?

I am pretty sure there is an appropriate amount of time to wait just as I’m sure that there is a point where a rainbow goes from entirely red to entirely orange. Just because there is a good bit of uncertainty doesn’t mean there aren’t cases where it would be sinful to enter into a relationship after the death of a spouse. Two months seems a lot closer to going clubbing on the night of the funeral to me than to waiting an appropriate amount of time.

 

[tafan]

After Queen Victoria went into her elaborate mourning after Prince Albert died in 1861, people conformed to the mourning customs if they were at all able, including a year of deep mourning for women and another year of gradually lesser mourning, which caused a great deal of financial hardship with regards to obtaining the right clothing. They did not want to admit they were so poor they couldn’t do the “decent” thing that the “right” people did, so they’d endure substantial hardship in order to keep up appearances.

Even before Prince Albert died, women were generally required to wait a year to remarry (so there would be no question of whose the child was or when it was conceived, when they had another), while men could remarry very soon, and often did if they had small children.

Nice try, but I asked for a reference. I had an ancestor whose wife died and he had 6 kids, he remarried almost immediately, a mail order bride at that.

 

[EasterJoy]

Nice try, but I asked for a reference. I had an ancestor whose wife died and he had 6 kids, he remarried almost immediately, a mail order bride at that.

Ah, but he was a man. The rituals of mourning were very different for men, especially men with children, than for women. A widow was expected to remain essentially in seclusion at home after her husband died, save going to church, while it was expected a widower would return to work shortly after his wife died and that he would remarry very soon if he had children. A widow was expected to wait, in order to make it entirely clear to a prospective husband that she would not be producing yet another child by her dead husband, and “for propriety’s sake”. Apparently, it was thought that women ought to be able to remain continent without a husband, mourning over her deceased husband as she was, but this was not something to be asked of a man in his prime.

Apparently it was thought that children could also endure a year without a father easier than they could endure such a long period without a mother. Widowers with female relatives who could come and look after their children weren’t under quite the same pressure to remarry as soon as possible.

It all seems very uneven, but you have to remember this was also a time when women and children might have their birthdays celebrated, but not grown men. I could provide references, but these are the sorts of things that you will find in historical commentaries about the time.

 

[cjbaggins]

This poor young woman should not be expected to sit at home and mourn in utter despair while the rest of the people she knows go on with their lives, what on earth for? What does that prove? Is she expected to look at a calendar day after day in loneliness waiting until a specific time amount of time has passed?

Of course family and friends feel uncomfortable around this new friend of hers, because the whole situation is sad and unusual but she is not SINNING.

I very much agree with this post! Well said!

My dh’s cousin lost his wife when their child was very young. A young widow with young children herself phoned him mere days after the funeral (she had seen the notice of the passing in the paper). That call began a friendship, then a romantic relationship, that ended in marriage 6 months later. I’m sure some felt it was too soon, but for them it was just right. They found tremendous support and comfort in another who knew what they were experiencing like no one else.

To answer the original poster’s question - how soon can a widow being dating - when she wishes!

That being said - I agree with others that if she is being taken advantage of, hopefully she has a good friend or family member who is watching out for her. If there is nothing like that going on, then I say they should be free to see where their relationship goes.

cj

 

[ShinySideUp]

I am quite stunned by many of the responses. Even if you are a widow/er, each person is different, each relationship is different. Focus instead on being a true friend and be there for her/him no matter what. God’s time is not man’s time.

After my husband of 10-yrs passed away unexpectedly, I met a man whose wife of 21-yrs passed away after a 7-yr battle with cancer. As it was, they died within 6-wks of each other. We both took the advice of friends:say your rosary everyday and attend daily Mass. We met at daily Mass.

Yes, many of our friends, even our other widow/er friends, were shocked. A true friend said it best: Let the couple know when they are allowed to date because you are the ones having a problem with their dating. It didn’t mean we didn’t continue to mourn the passing of our 1st spouses, but we did feel God in our lives. Even three priests who knew us well and went through the deaths of our spouses with us, encouraged not just a relationship, but for us to get married. We have been married for 15-yrs now. Experienced 4 miscarriages, but have one beautiful amazing child that is truly a gift to our lives. When you live according to God’s law, He gives you very wonderful blessings! His plan is the best plan because we both still say our plans would have been quite different, but we are so happy we followed what He wanted for our lives. We are still loyal to daily rosary and daily Mass.

 

[cjbaggins]

I am quite stunned by many of the responses. Even if you are a widow/er, each person is different, each relationship is different. Focus instead on being a true friend and be there for her/him no matter what. God’s time is not man’s time.

After my husband of 10-yrs passed away unexpectedly, I met a man whose wife of 21-yrs passed away after a 7-yr battle with cancer. As it was, they died within 6-wks of each other. We both took the advice of friends:say your rosary everyday and attend daily Mass. We met at daily Mass.

Yes, many of our friends, even our other widow/er friends, were shocked. A true friend said it best: Let the couple know when they are allowed to date because you are the ones having a problem with their dating. It didn’t mean we didn’t continue to mourn the passing of our 1st spouses, but we did feel God in our lives. Even three priests who knew us well and went through the deaths of our spouses with us, encouraged not just a relationship, but for us to get married. We have been married for 15-yrs now. Experienced 4 miscarriages, but have one beautiful amazing child that is truly a gift to our lives. When you live according to God’s law, He gives you very wonderful blessings! His plan is the best plan because we both still say our plans would have been quite different, but we are so happy we followed what He wanted for our lives. We are still loyal to daily rosary and daily Mass.

Thank you for a wonderful, honest, and firsthand response to this topic. I, too, was stunned by some of the responses. An arbitrary calendar date when one “should” begin dating again seems pointless to me. Some would not feel ready until well after the supposed magic one year mark, others would well before that.

Anyway, thanks again, and congratulations to you both!
cj

 

[John_Lazarus]

I’ve told my husband that I think he should remarry in the case of my untimely demise, but that I’d like a 1-year mourning. One doesn’t want to feel easily replaceable.

I’m thinking that, should I die first, I would be beyond caring about that sort of thing.

 

[John_Lazarus]

To answer the original poster’s question - how soon can a widow being dating - when she wishes!

Agreed.

Though I would draw the line at the widow/er bringing their date to their spouse’s funeral.

 

[Psalm98]

Prayers for this grieving widow.