How soon to get engaged?

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newcatholic07

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I was wondering if anyone had ideas on how long a couple should date before getting engaged? My boyfriend is 4 years younger than I am (I am 23), and we have been dating for 4 months now. We met at the Catholic student center on our campus, where we are both student leaders. I know we’re not ready to get engaged yet, but it is “normal” for us to be having discussions about marriage so soon?
 
newcatholic07 said:
I was wondering if anyone had ideas on how long a couple should date before getting engaged? My boyfriend is 4 years younger than I am (I am 23), and we have been dating for 4 months now. We met at the Catholic student center on our campus, where we are both student leaders. I know we’re not ready to get engaged yet, but it is “normal” for us to be having discussions about marriage so soon?
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He’s 19. He has several years of college ahead of him. You are 23, probably about to end your college days and begin a career.

Yes, it is very much “too soon” to be discussing marriage *to each other *based both on how long you’ve known each other/dated and also on your age and current status as college students. Discussing marriage in general isn’t necessarily a bad idea-- for example, people’s expectations regarding roles, family, children, work, etc. Better to know that sooner than later.

You will be around 26-27 when he is just finishing school. He will only be around 22-23. It’s really not a good fit, IMHO. Lots will change in these years.
 
Discussion about marriage is fine, but wanting to get married and commitment are different issues - your b/f is 19; he is quite young. Besides, knowing each other for 4 months is very short time for discussing about marriage together.
 
DH and I dated for 8 months before getting engaged…but bear in mind that by then we were both done with school and had jobs. I would say 6 months is my personal minimum that a couple should know each other before getting engaged (and a year is my minimum for getting married). But I think the time can be much longer depending on the school and job situation of the couple.

Is it too soon to talk about if you’re called to marriage? No. But I think it’s too soon for an engagement.
 
newcatholic07 said:
I was wondering if anyone had ideas on how long a couple should date before getting engaged? My boyfriend is 4 years younger than I am (I am 23), and we have been dating for 4 months now. We met at the Catholic student center on our campus, where we are both student leaders. I know we’re not ready to get engaged yet, but it is “normal” for us to be having discussions about marriage so soon?
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We only dated two months and I was a senior in high school when we got engaged and we were married when I was 19.
I don’t think there is a “normal” for this. Everyone and every relationship is different. Pray about it. If you feel that it is going too fast, then stop the discussion about marriage for awhile. Do you start the conversations or does he? Since you are older, maybe you are more ready to settle down and get married, he might not be there yet. I don’t think there is anything wrong with talking about “someday” as long as you are both on the same page as for when “someday” will happen.
 
A wise older lady once explained to me that a couple should experience all four seasons together, a full year, before exploring the prospect of matrimony.

I believe it to be wiser still, that a couple ought wait longer, two to three years, prior to making a decision about marriage.

For a young couple, marriage could be a long, and even a hard, road to travel. There is plenty of time for marriage, after completing education, and establishing a career.
 
DH and I started discussing marriage (in general and as a possibilty) around 6 months of dating, we were 18 and 19 yo. But we knew it would be a long time with finishing school and jobs. It was completely out of the question for us to marry while still in school for many reasons. We didn’t get engaged till 4 1/2 years of dating, and had a 2 yr engagement. So discussing it is good, to know others’ expectations, etc, but I think it’s far too soon for an engagement even if he was the same age as you.
 
newcatholic07 said:
I was wondering if anyone had ideas on how long a couple should date before getting engaged? My boyfriend is 4 years younger than I am (I am 23), and we have been dating for 4 months now. We met at the Catholic student center on our campus, where we are both student leaders. I know we’re not ready to get engaged yet, but it is “normal” for us to be having discussions about marriage so soon?
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Oooh that’s a tuffy… 😉 no seriously it is… I am learning about such things myself!! AND I AM 30 years old!!😊

First allow me to welcome you, second, congrats on the relationship hopefully all continues well!

Third, relationships are great when you are able to get to know each other better. A couple of months may be enough for you to realize this person is “the one” but seeing how he is younger than you, speaking from experience, dating a younger man myself, it’s better to take it slow. I have been dating my bf, we were engaged, for several years now, but I cancelled the engagement, for now.

We spoke about things, which were not going well between his mother and sister and I, and my family…UGH!! So we are taking it a little slower… Now his mother is kind of coming around, interestingly enough…and I have been keeping my distance from my family. In all the excitement they decided to get a little too involved especially since this year was going to be our wedding. We postponed it, so we could spend more time learning from each other before we decide to take the biggest step of our lives to spend the rest of our lives together.

Take your time. Enjoy each other, grow with GOD and once you feel, and I mean really feel the comfort of knowing you will both be up for the upcoming challenges that come with marriage, such as being friends, the self sacrifice, “family”, children, inlaws, friends, understanding each other, comforting each other, risks involved of not getting your way all the time-learning how to compromise, realizing that it’s not about you any more but will be about the 2 of you becoming one, learning up on Natural Family Planning, longterm commitment, etc… THEN you will know you are ready for an engagement and for marriage.

I know that love is fantastic, when you have fallen head over heels, but the responsibility comes crashing down WAAAYYY to fast to realize what in the world just happened and before you realize children come etc… SO the best thing to do is to take it slow. I have 3 children and kind of came across a small situation with my bf, he’s my babysitter, for now, and was a bit irresponsible, it came as a shock to me because, well he’s never really been irresponsible…SO I came here and got great advice over it and spoke to him about it… if we were married i would have been feeling even worst because I was not used to my bf being irresponsible. I rather know all of his ways and nags, and good things as well as the negative things before we say “I do” just as he rather finds out all my horrible habits before he wakes up next to me drooling all over his pillow!! HAHAHA!! 😦 Ok bad joke… 😊

The point is the better you get to know each other the better things will be between the two of you.

I have been reading up on a lot of cases of people whom after a couple of years or so “they lost the loving feeling” and want a divorce or annulment or separation, they fell in love with someone else, etc… AND it’s not fair for either one of the partner’s involved.
But that’s because they seem to not really realize the sacrifice and the true meaning of love, which Jeus Christ showed us and tried to pass upon us. Love isn’t just about the butterflies in the stomach, and the romance and passion, it’s also about self giving without expecting anything in return, it’s about compassion, understanding, thankfulness for your partner, about humility, about caring, giving…Marriage is about working together, compromising, giving for each other, and especially knowing how to stick through everything without killing each other!! Especially abusing poor pillows in the process!!! I mean every relationship will have hard times, and every marriage will too, but the point is that you don’t give up when things go sour, when your partner seems to have lost “the will,” the “drive” in them that made you fall in love with them in the first place. It’s about working and communicating together…

I am still learning this, and I know many whom have married within months after they met and are still married, but that’s a chance you take, and unless you are willing to seriously commit to something you really know little about, then I say go for it… BUT it’s best to get to know the person better, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, educationally, as well as the family before anything is seriously committed upon…or otherwise you might be living in a miserable marriage without really understanding or knowing how in the world you got there in the first place!!!

I wish you all the luck in the world and GOD bless…Sorry for rambling and if I am wrong with what I said I am sorry but I too am learning all of this myself and am trying to put all the knowledge I have earned from here and from my Catholic friends and trying to give the best advise I can regarding new relationships, new engagement or soon-to-be and marriage…

Take care and please keep us updated!
 
I am currently getting my second B.A. and have another year and a half to go on it. I may then go on to get my master’s degree, or teach for a few years first. We talk about a lot of the issues surrounding our situation and about our expectations in marriage. We both agree that the earliest we would get married would be when he graduates in 2 1/2 years. I think his parents got engaged after 5 months and have been married for 20 years. I’m not sure what to think about the age difference. It doesn’t bother me, but it seems to bother some other people. Men marry younger women all the time. My dad is 8 years older than my mom and they have been married almost 28 years.

My boyfriend brings up the subject more than I do a lot of the time.
 
It’s funny. I was in your shoes asking the same question in June of 2008. I felt very strongly that I had found the right girl, and I was wondering if it would be normal to get engaged after dating just 6 months or so. I guess what I was really asking was are we doomed if we do? Looking back, it’s kinda funny. We’re getting married in May, and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Our relationship got so much deeper once we could openly discuss our plans for children and our future relationship. Certain things are just harder to discuss when you have no idea how serious the other person is in your relationship. I think a lot of it comes down to maturity. Some people might consider my fiance and I immature because we enjoy cereal way too much and we like to have fun, but we’re both very level headed about life. We both have a very strong faith, and we both really knew ourselves as individuals before we started dating too. She had never dated anyone, and it had been about 5 years for me because I liked my freedom. We are still both very independent, but we have a great friendship and relationship. I think the biggest key is that our values are very much aligned, so on the key issues, we don’t disagree, which means when we have disagreements, it’s normally just small misunderstandings as opposed to contradictions about things that we hold close to heart. So, in my opinion, it’s definitely possible to know you’ve met “the one” very early in the relationship, and I think talking about your future is super important. The recipe for success though is so different for every relationship though. It’s so hard for anyone to advise on what you should do. As for being normal, there are lots of people who get engaged after dating just a few months. Here’s my original post:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=250904
 
The age difference in itself is not that big a deal as long as you recognize it and work with it. What people say let go in this side out the other. Y’all are the only ones where it matters.

I think y’all have a good plan, and going about it the right way. The tricky part will be getting to the other side of the 2.5 years. Lots of stuff between here and there. I have no idea what y’all might face in that time span, and neither do y’all, but there will be challenges. Could be distance, family going crazy, could be his maturing, could be careers, it could even be someone else entering the picture for one of y’all. You just don’t know at this stage of the relationship and at y’alls ages.

Good luck on y’all’s journey. God has a plan, and he will not test you without his grace to protect.
 
newcatholic07 said:
I am currently getting my second B.A. and have another year and a half to go on it. I may then go on to get my master’s degree, or teach for a few years first. We talk about a lot of the issues surrounding our situation and about our expectations in marriage. We both agree that the earliest we would get married would be when he graduates in 2 1/2 years. I think his parents got engaged after 5 months and have been married for 20 years. I’m not sure what to think about the age difference. It doesn’t bother me, but it seems to bother some other people. Men marry younger women all the time. My dad is 8 years older than my mom and they have been married almost 28 years.

My boyfriend brings up the subject more than I do a lot of the time.
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No age isn’t really an issue…AS I have learned here through the forum, and society the whole younger woman and older man thing it’s just more about the whole, you know, a younger woman to an older man is security that the woman will still be able to bare children!! AND be able to keep her hubby happy because he’s older and she’s younger??? And I guess with older woman means the younger man can run the chance of being tempted by a younger woman that he doesn’t have!!! Something like that, please correct me if I am wrong…

But mostly society’s views are that older men marry younger women…

You are not that much of age difference, my bfss all married younger men, and hopefully I too will marry my younger man…

It bothers a lot of people but it shouldn’t matter to you!

It didn’t bother me regarding my bf until I gained weight… Before I looked many years younger than him, and I am a lot older than him…but since I gained weight you can now tell that I am older than him. People used to tell me they thought he was 30 and I was 21 or 22, lol… Now they ask me if I am 30 and he’s 26… which it’s hilarious because that’s our age!! hahaha!! 😦 But still you know makes me very conscious about it…AND now it bothers me… BUT it doesn’t bother him…

Yes my ex fil, is 16 years older than his wife, my grandfather’s were all at least 6 years older than their wives… My father is 2 years younger than my mother…AND you can’t even tell, she has always looked younger than him even after she gained weight…Now she’s lost weight and looks even many years younger…

So it really isn’t a big deal…as long as it doesn’t bother you and it doesn’t bother the differences in the future you know?

I mean a lot can change and happen and if the reason he became attracted to you was more physical than anything well, it might be something difficult to deal with if you gain weight etc… But it goes either way. As long as both of you are happy then you shouldn’t have a problem.

Yes that is wise that you are discussing it and waiting upon your engagement, because right now it’s getting to know each other better time!! Also remember about your parents, inlaws, grandparents, etc, I was reminded about this as well, that these are different times and well it’s true. What could have been the norm a decade ago or even accepted or even possible might be a little more difficult now-a-days with the whole hype on looking beautiful and society’s opinions about couples and relationships…

So the better you know about each other the wiser…
 
newcatholic07 said:
I am currently getting my second B.A. and have another year and a half to go on it. I may then go on to get my master’s degree, or teach for a few years first. We talk about a lot of the issues surrounding our situation and about our expectations in marriage. We both agree that the earliest we would get married would be when he graduates in 2 1/2 years. I think his parents got engaged after 5 months and have been married for 20 years. I’m not sure what to think about the age difference. It doesn’t bother me, but it seems to bother some other people. Men marry younger women all the time. My dad is 8 years older than my mom and they have been married almost 28 years.

My boyfriend brings up the subject more than I do a lot of the time.
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I believe that if you are both together, and going strong in 2.5 years…then, most likely, getting married would be a good next step in your relationship. I don’t see a problem with your age difference…It’s not that large of a difference. But, the issue is more in your ‘position in life’ differences. He still has school to finish, etc…but it sounds like you both have addressed this, and again-in my humble opinion…If you are both going strong in nearly 3 years…can’t see what would be stopping you both from marriage, just based on the info given. Good luck to you both! PS–Just don’t rush getting married before he finishes school. That’s my only 2 cents. 🙂
 
Well, my DH and I got engaged within a month of meeting each other. We got married a year after our engagement. BUT…he was in his last year of his doctorate studies, and I was graduating from my M.A. program, and we were in our late twenties. Very different stage of life than being in college.

I look back at the person I was at 23, and I know I wasn’t ready for marriage. I have friends and relatives that did get married during college, and it didn’t work out very well (divorce) OR was incredibly stressful.

My DH is three years older than me. I have dated men younger than me, and I just prefer being with an older man. :o But everybody matures at different ages, so the age thing is less of an issue for me than the stage of life where you both will be.

I don’t think it’s too early to talk about what you both would be wanting in a husband/wife, but I think getting engaged in college is setting too many high expectations on the future.
 
My wife and I dated for 6 months before I proposed to her; we were 19 and 18 years old, respectively, so I can’t really say much about the age difference. We were both in school at the time, so we waited a little less than 2 years (21 months) to get married because my wife was out of school by then.

The long engagement was very difficult, but looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. We were talking about marriage within weeks after we started dating; we just always knew it would turn out that way. We heard a lot of the “too young” comments form family and others, and the sister who booked the church with us at our former parish even characterized us as “still in la la land”. People are going feel entitled to give their two cents, but they can’t see your hearts. One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to engagement and marriage. Keep an open mind and really concentrate on what you are being called to do, and the Lord will let you know. Talking about it with your boyfriend is definitely an integral part of that process.
 
samcarter14 said:
Well, my DH and I got engaged within a month of meeting each other. We got married a year after our engagement. BUT…he was in his last year of his doctorate studies, and I was graduating from my M.A. program, and we were in our late twenties. Very different stage of life than being in college.

I look back at the person I was at 23, and I know I wasn’t ready for marriage. I have friends and relatives that did get married during college, and it didn’t work out very well (divorce) OR was incredibly stressful.

My DH is three years older than me. I have dated men younger than me, and I just prefer being with an older man. :o But everybody matures at different ages, so the age thing is less of an issue for me than the stage of life where you both will be.

I don’t think it’s too early to talk about what you both would be wanting in a husband/wife, but I think getting engaged in college is setting too many high expectations on the future.
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Interesting…I think that it’s really not an age thing, as much as a ‘position in life’ thing. That’s a great point to make here.
 
I know my boyfriend told me he wanted to marry me within six months of dating…

Hopefully that fits into God’s plans–it definitely fits into mine.

Unfortunately, he’s young–16 1/2 and I just turned 18…So, we’ve some time ahead of us…

I won’t be engaged for another year and a half, at least (he won’t be 18 'til then), but,…hopefully a wedding in 3 years.

Remember–be in God’s time, not yours.
 
newcatholic07 said:
I was wondering if anyone had ideas on how long a couple should date before getting engaged? My boyfriend is 4 years younger than I am (I am 23), and we have been dating for 4 months now. We met at the Catholic student center on our campus, where we are both student leaders. I know we’re not ready to get engaged yet, but it is “normal” for us to be having discussions about marriage so soon?
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Listen to your own heart, pray on it, listen to the advice of a priest and ignore everyone else.

Nothing in life is normal, their is just life.

God Bless!
 
Instead of worrying about age (I won’t mention that I am the mother of a son, and 19 well, they just aren’t usually where young women are maturity-wise), let’s worry about:
  • Do you each have a way to financially support the other? In my opinion, either one of you or neither of you can stay home with the kids, but there has to be a way for BOTH of you to earn a living and support yourselves in the manner to which you’d like to become accustomed- eventually.
  • You are both aware that even though your collective parents might have a Lexus each, a summer home, and a bass boat that converts to a deep sea fishing boat with a flick of a lever, that YOU, as a couple, will have your own, somewhat less expansive financial situation?
  • Do you have vehicles or other ways of transportation to get yourselves to where you need to go, that are yours, and run reliably?
  • Have you finished a phase of education for awhile?
  • Do you have a place to live that you can afford together (I am NOT suggesting you live together before you marry)?
  • What are your financial habits? His? How much money do you have in the bank? In stocks, including mutual funds? Do you know how to make a monthly budget, and are you currently do so? How much do you think is fair for each person in a marriage to spend in a month on themselves? Are you a spender, or a saver? Do you have 3-6 months’ income set aside for emergencies?
  • Have you discussed
  • children, how many, what would happen if…?
  • illness, what would happen if…?
  • in-laws, traditions, how your family celebrate major holidays?
  • What your family and his expect out of you once you are married?
  • Taco Night or its equivalent (spaghetti night, pizza night, steak night)? What day of the week is it? Do you go out, or is it prepared at home? Are friends welcomed, or is it just immediate family?
  • Your favorite time for Mass?
  • How often you pray the rosary?
  • What was the most embarassing thing that happened to you when you grew up? The funniest? The scariest?
  • How much “just the guys” and “just the girls” time do you expect once you are married?
  • Have you lived the big single dream, whatever it is or was? If you’re going to go live at a convent for six months, a monestery for a year, climb a mountain with the guys, devote service to another country or an organization for free, tramp through Europe on $15 a day and sleep in youth hostels and camp grounds- now is the time to do it.
    When you have discussed all those things, think about getting a ring and a date.
 
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