How to Abstain or From withdrawal to NFP

[Blue_Horizon]

Difficult situation for those who suffer in this way.

I just want to saysomething about mastubration or windrawal being “mortal sins”.
This is incorrect use of the word as it assumes mere performance of the physical act will earn one hell and damnation and completely kill grace in the soul. That is what “mortal sin” means.

However the connection between mortal sin and the physical act is not so tight.
Obviously, otherwise 80% of Catholic teenage boys would be re-damning themselves every week or two.

The Catholic Catechism makes it very clear that there are many psychological and constitutional reasons why the sinfulness of masturbation (which is “grave matter”) is often not mortally imputable in specific instances or with specific personalities. It is often simply venial in imputation (eg for reasons of anxiety or, in the case here, unrelenting pain).

One should assume veniality, make a private act of forgiveness (with the intention of trying one’s best next time), continue to receive communion as suual and make use of the Sacrament of Penance in the usual regular manner (eg once a month) … and be at peace with God if these circumstances are met.

Surely it would take heroic virtue to regularly go weeks at a time with blue balls .

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I’m surprised that people think this is unusual. I thought it was rather common? At the very least, I get this issue and my best male friends have at least hinted at having suffered from it. Though I will say that the original poster seems to have it about as bad as possible.

I have definitely experienced the physical pain, though for me it manifests more strongly in a psychological way. Kind of like male PMS. Irrational anger, mood swings, etc.

 

[TheArmorofGod]

My wife and I are married 11 years, 5 kids. We have 2 kids under 2 years of age, the youngest being unplanned. We’ve had sex one time in the past 8 months. Her cycle just will not “return” as she is still feeding…it usually does not take this so long. **Every morning and every night is maddening to the point where I don’t even want to sleep in the same bed with her. **

As a hard working father of 5, in a single income house, trying our absolute best to abide by church teachings. Intimacy with my wife is one of those things that keep me going, keep my faith strong. It is/was so important to my mental and spiritual well being. 8 months of “blue ball” syndrome, the sacrifice, it isn’t helping my faith, and from a psychological perspective, its been extremely challenging for my faith.

Any miracle solutions / ideas for someone dealing with this issue for months on end? Thanks for listening.

 

[1inICXC]

My wife and I are married 11 years, 5 kids. We have 2 kids under 2 years of age, the youngest being unplanned. We’ve had sex one time in the past 8 months. Her cycle just will not “return” as she is still feeding…it usually does not take this so long. **Every morning and every night is maddening to the point where I don’t even want to sleep in the same bed with her. **

As a hard working father of 5, in a single income house, trying our absolute best to abide by church teachings. Intimacy with my wife is one of those things that keep me going, keep my faith strong. It is/was so important to my mental and spiritual well being. 8 months of “blue ball” syndrome, the sacrifice, it isn’t helping my faith, and from a psychological perspective, its been extremely challenging for my faith.

Any miracle solutions / ideas for someone dealing with this issue for months on end? Thanks for listening.

I believe survival comes before heroic virtue. Why not sleep separately , until you can start charting again? It’s not ideal and it’s not a permanent solution, just take it day by day. Talk to your wife first and explain to her why you’d like to try it out. Sleep with one of the babies instead

 

[FrenzyJen]

I’m female, but I’ve heard the trick of “lifting a car” helps to rebalance the blood in your body. Literally go outside and try to lift your car by the bumper. Obviously don’t over-strain, but that is supposed to help ease discomfort.

 

[mwncheesehead]

Difficult situation for those who suffer in this way.

I just want to saysomething about mastubration or windrawal being “mortal sins”.
This is incorrect use of the word as it assumes mere performance of the physical act will earn one hell and damnation and completely kill grace in the soul. That is what “mortal sin” means.

However the connection between mortal sin and the physical act is not so tight.
Obviously, otherwise 80% of Catholic teenage boys would be re-damning themselves every week or two.

The Catholic Catechism makes it very clear that there are many psychological and constitutional reasons why the sinfulness of masturbation (which is “grave matter”) is often not mortally imputable in specific instances or with specific personalities. It is often simply venial in imputation (eg for reasons of anxiety or, in the case here, unrelenting pain).

One should assume veniality, make a private act of forgiveness (with the intention of trying one’s best next time), continue to receive communion as suual and make use of the Sacrament of Penance in the usual regular manner (eg once a month) … and be at peace with God if these circumstances are met.

Surely it would take heroic virtue to regularly go weeks at a time with blue balls .

Blue Horizon, are you starting your own church with your own teachings? No need to pooh-pooh masturbation. No we’re not gonna “assume veniality”…we all know masturbation is serious matter and when committed with full knowledge, and consent of the will is mortal sin.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

Blue Horizon, are you starting your own church with your own teachings? No need to pooh-pooh masturbation. No we’re not gonna “assume veniality”…we all know masturbation is serious matter and when committed with full knowledge, and consent of the will is mortal sin.

And nice to meet you to .

Obviously I am providing pastoral advice and reasonable prudential judgement for given scenario. I have started by clarifying Church teaching (and stated the matter is grave/serious) and then applied the principles to the situation as best as can be communicated on a forum.

Please quote a Magisterial teaching you believe I may have contradicted?

 

[mwncheesehead]

And nice to meet you to .

I don’t mean this in a rude way, but is it necessary that I meet you and share pleasantries before disagreeing with you?

You’re giving very poor pastoral advice because it comes across - at least clearly to me - that you’re trivializing masturbation, and we really don’t need to trivialize this; people do that enough in their hearts and minds to justify masturbation. Let’s be clear for people who read these forum threads: why assume veniality and proceed to Holy Communion when one has committed the sin of masturbation, especially if they know it’s grave matter?

I just want to say something about masturbation or withdrawal being “mortal sins”.
This is incorrect use of the word as it assumes mere performance of the physical act will earn one hell and damnation and completely kill grace in the soul. That is what “mortal sin” means.

Why do you put the words mortal sins in parentheses and say that it’s the incorrect use? No it’s not! That’s correct Church teaching…masturbation is a mortal sin, assuming the three things are present for a mortal sin. This is basic…this is what I mean by you trivializing this perverted sin. Why minimize and trivialize it? Good grief.

However the connection between mortal sin and the physical act is not so tight.
Obviously, otherwise 80% of Catholic teenage boys would be re-damning themselves every week or two.

I have to take issue with you here again: just because Catholic boys are frequently committing this grave sin, does the frequency mean they’re no longer committing mortal sin? If they are doing it often, they need to confess the number of times they’re committing this mortal sin…and they shouldn’t approach Holy Communion until they have been to confession.

Surely it would take heroic virtue to regularly go weeks at a time with blue balls

BH, what exactly are you suggesting here? When I read this, it seems like 1) you are suggesting here that maybe masturbation is too difficult to give up if one is in that sinful habit and 2) that masturbation is a remedy for “blue balls.”

I agree with you that giving up any sinful habit takes virtue, but we have to pray, fast, do whatever it takes to root out that vice, especially a mortally sinful habit like masturbation. If we don’t, hell is the alternative if we die in a state of mortal sin.

 

[ILoveJesus105]

God wont fix your testicles, now go to the doctor

 

[Rau]

…

After many years of NFP–and 5 kids, four of whom were a surprise–I’m beginning to think it might just make sense to try to do something about it medically, with a drug that reduces the libido and enhances focus. For my wife and me, the abstinence period is rarely less than 15 days, often more, especially during the transition from nursing. That means a week or more a month having to deal with this and the attendant distraction. It also means that intercourse, when we have it, comes as a kind of medical procedure–and it is very painful the first couple times, too. While we know intercourse is a gift of mutuality, etc., the primary experience for me is of pain and relief.

Anybody know of mild, preferably natural ways to diminish the libido?

I’m no expert, but 15 (contiguous) days of abstinence seems a little long. Are you limiting yourself to sex during post-ovulation only? This is a fairly conservative approach - meaning it ought to be fairly reliable (in avoiding pregnancy). It is generally possible to find a few days at the tail-end of/or just after your wife’s period where she will still be infertile - that might be an opportunity for some relief.

I am a recent “student” of NFP. Can you shed any light on where the process “slipped up” for you, such that 4 pregnancies were a surprise?

 

[oneofmany]

Try to find a Catholic doctor. I would think if women can get on the pill when they are in pain then men could relieve themselves when they are in pain. It’s for medical reasons and that is all.

 

[on_the_hill]

I’ve gone that long and longer and never had any pain. Now, if I’m on my feet all day and wearing loose boxers, yes. Some achiness. But never from abstention.

 

[Rau]

I’ve gone that long and longer and never had any pain. Now, if I’m on my feet all day and wearing loose boxers, yes. Some achiness. But never from abstention.

Ditto. Question to the “blue balls” sufferers - did you suffer this condition before you married?

 

[Father_of_10]

You might be suffering from protatitis or an enlarged prostate. Has the MD had an ultrasound or MRI done on you? You could try saw palmetto, it is an over the counter herbal remedy that is said to reduce prostate enlargement or its symptoms.

Also kidney stones can sometime cause excruciating pain that seems to come from the testes. I woke up one night and thought I had been kneed accidentally by DW. Turned out to be a kidney stone.

 

[rjm54]

I’m no expert, but 15 (contiguous) days of abstinence seems a little long. Are you limiting yourself to sex during post-ovulation only? This is a fairly conservative approach - meaning it ought to be fairly reliable (in avoiding pregnancy). It is generally possible to find a few days at the tail-end of/or just after your wife’s period where she will still be infertile - that might be an opportunity for some relief.

I am a recent “student” of NFP. Can you shed any light on where the process “slipped up” for you, such that 4 pregnancies were a surprise?

I’m no expert either, but we have been practicing various forms of NFP for 10 years, and Creighton for 4 years. All I know is that when we try to sail close to the wind–poring over the charts to maximize the number of green light days–we get unexpectedly pregnant. We can go for several months of this kind of close sailing without getting pregnant, but eventually it happens. For us, sailing close to the wind meant minimum 12 days abstinence per cycle, 14 on average, though usually only a max of 8 at a time. This will of course be different for every couple, and varies according to time of life and distance from last breastfeeding period. Most of our unexpected pregnancies have come during the first four months of cycles returning after/during breastfeeding. During these times, it is quite usual to have 30 consecutive days of abstinence (or much more if you are being really strict–one guy on this thread was on month 8 of abstinence due to crazy breastfeeding cycles).

The bottom line is that using NFP methods to postpone pregnancy is an ABSTINENCE method. It took me three unplanned pregnancies to figure this out. The norm is not sex. The norm is abstinence. Every once in a while you will be blessed to have sex. If you are really called to postpone pregnancy, your mindset has to be that you are entering into a long period of abstinence, with the slight possibility that you will have some sex here and there.

 

[rjm54]

If you read anything on the internet about blue balls and NFP, a chorus of voices will say, “Go see a Catholic urologist.”

I did that. I was hoping he’d find an enlarged prostate (small chance, I’m 35) and prescribe a medication that would not only ease the pain of blue balls but decrease my libido (as some prostate meds are said to do).

Unfortunately, I’m in perfect health. He said the congestion of the prostate due to abstinence is normal and the body takes care of it naturally by ejaculation. This usually happens in nocturnal emissions. If those aren’t happening (and they are not for me), then you can get a prolonged period of congestion that is painful but not unhealthy. He said that you see this often in Catholic priests. But he said that eventually the body will modulate its semen production and/or cause nocturnal emissions.

I also told him that I have to urinate frequently, and he said it’s because I drink too much water and coffee. His advice was to give up caffeine and drink less water.

So plenty of common sense from my Catholic urologist, right? Who needs a urologist!

However, I have given the caffeine thing some thought, and I’m thinking, why not? Why not try some big lifestyle changes with the end to another breastfeeding cycle approaching, and the consequent periods of mega-abstinence?

So here is my plan of attack from now until regular cycles return:

1. Give up caffeine experimentally, minimum one month, on the hypothesis that it makes me anxious and we could all use a bit more peace around the house. (With the risk that because I make my living as a researcher/writer, I will have a tough time without that caffeine zone.)
2. Exercise more. In addition to my daily 50 min. of aerobic exercise, I’m adding 2 hrs/wk of strength and flexibility training, which is something I need to start doing at my age anyhow. And one day a week I’m doing a run at work with a friend.
3. Get a consistent but slightly tiring 7.5 hours of sleep a night. Plenty of sleep gives me plenty of sexual energy; too much sleep makes me concupiscent. A bit too little takes the edge off.
4. I’m starting 120mg/day, first thing in the morning, of Vitex, also known as Agnus castus or Chaste Berry extract. Medieval monks reportedly used it to help with abstinence, and it has been anecdotally reported to ease testicular/prostate congestion. It has been shown in one scientific study to promote the production of prolactin, a hormone men produce after orgasm. See info on a study here: propeciahelp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1149. In large doses, however, it could reduce prolactin and increase testosterone.
5. When the long abstinence periods are really kicking in, I will licorice extract to this regimen. A study has shown that licorice can reduce testosterone in men by 1/3. But you are not supposed to use licorice for prolonged periods of time, so I’m saving it for the really tough times. Here is some info: livestrong.com/article/143786-how-does-licorice-root-help-lower-libido/
6. I’m contemplating making three drinks my limit for alcohol. I have always been a fairly heavy drinker, and a large night definitely makes me more desirous of sex the next couple days. My daily glass of wine doesn’t have any effect, nor do three beers with a friend after work. It’s the long nights that do it. However, if I give up caffeine and that mellows me out, maybe I won’t even want to drink!

However, while intoxicated, I usually don’t want sex and instead want all the things my wife wants: intimate conversation, dancing, etc. We have great times together and both love nothing better than to put the kids to bed and stay up all night drinking wine, talking, and listening to music. A good drink will also dull or completely remove the sensation of blue balls. So limiting my drinking would also make it harder to maintain nonsexual intimacy during those tough times. (I’m sure somebody will say, “Why can’t you and your wife have nice long talks without alcohol?” Answer: we can and do. But we also have a different kind of nice long talk with alcohol, and it’s a tradition.)

1. No-brainer: all the good movies and TV are off limits. No HBO series, no harrowing European thrillers. (Or if reality TV is your thing, none of that either.) Turn off the commercials on football games. Nothing remotely sexy or showing skin or figure. Also no reading about sex tips online. And avoid news sites that traffic in bosomy gossip (Slate, HuffPost, Salon, even NRO and Weekly Standard). And of course the fundamentals: Custody of the eyes on the street and at work. Sit in the front row at Mass. etc.
2. And of course keeping a consistent rule of life and not being afraid to disrupt the day’s schedule for a bit of extra prayer time.

Once I detox from caffeine, of course, all this will be really easy and I will just be a serene center of peaceful detachment and mindfulness, ready to join the local ashram.

 

[rjm54]

You might be suffering from protatitis or an enlarged prostate. Has the MD had an ultrasound or MRI done on you? You could try saw palmetto, it is an over the counter herbal remedy that is said to reduce prostate enlargement or its symptoms.

Also kidney stones can sometime cause excruciating pain that seems to come from the testes. I woke up one night and thought I had been kneed accidentally by DW. Turned out to be a kidney stone.

Saw palmetto is used by body builders to increase testosterone. So watch out!

 

[rjm54]

Ditto. Question to the “blue balls” sufferers - did you suffer this condition before you married?

Yes, when aroused. Kissing always gave me a blue balls hangover, from eighth grade on. I think once you become sexually active regularly in marriage, you start to produce more testosterone and therefore more semen, so blue balls can occur just from build up, without arousal. Presumably if you become terminally abstinent, your semen production eventually goes down to more manageable levels. It’s periodic abstinence that’s the killer–along with the inevitable mild arousal that comes just from being around one’s sexy wife.

 

[maryjk]

I’m no expert, but 15 (contiguous) days of abstinence seems a little long. Are you limiting yourself to sex during post-ovulation only? This is a fairly conservative approach - meaning it ought to be fairly reliable (in avoiding pregnancy). It is generally possible to find a few days at the tail-end of/or just after your wife’s period where she will still be infertile - that might be an opportunity for some relief.

Depending on the wife’s age, 15 days could be quite normal.

When I was younger, we only had to abstain for a week or so.

NOW? Well, this month we are on our 25th day of abstaining, and we will have at least 28 days. I am waiting for 3 dry days. No telling how long it will be before that happens.

That kind of thing happens as a woman ages. I also understand that it can happen after childbirth/breastfeeding.

That could be why there are “late in life” babies born to couples that use NFP.

 

[oneofmany]

“However, while intoxicated, I usually don’t want sex and instead want all the things my wife wants: intimate conversation, dancing, etc. We have great times together and both love nothing better than to put the kids to bed and **stay up all night drinking wine, talking, and listening to **music. A good drink will also dull or completely remove the sensation of blue balls. So limiting my drinking would also make it harder to maintain nonsexual intimacy during those tough times. (I’m sure somebody will say, “Why can’t you and your wife have nice long talks without alcohol?” Answer: we can and do. But we also have a different kind of nice long talk with alcohol, and it’s a tradition.)”

WOW, rjm54 I wish my hubby would be that way. He is usually ready to go to sleep if in bed for 5 to 10 minutes if we aren’t dong anything. There have been times when I think he is asleep before his head hits the pillow. LOL