How to act when my sister berates her husband?

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CAROLOFTHEBELLS

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About six months ago I moved in with my sister and her husband, a year after my mother passed away. I previously lived with my mother for many years and was her companion at home in the last years. I am very grateful for the opportunity to live here now. It is a big house and my brother in law’s son, who is 26 also lives here in the room across from mine.

I know my sister loves her husband and has been in love with him for many years. He loves her and is a fairly quiet and gentle man. However, there are some things he does that, obviously, get on her nerves, such as assuming things, making up answers to questions (I think he sometimes wants to be right so he makes up a reason for what he is saying), or not doing something the way she asked or said she wanted. They get along good, for the most part. But I am noticing at least twice a week she is on him about something and he mostly takes it while she berates him. He tries to respond with his reasoning but she shoots him down.

In our childhood, our mother - who was sweet and gentle in her old age - sometimes went on and on when upset and I think maybe my sister and I picked up this habit of handling frustrations and anger this way. I understood it was a problem for me, but I actually butted heads with my mom a number of times and had to learn to control it. As she got older, it was very necessary to keep myself in check for her good. I’ve never married, so this current situation is actually something of a learning ground for me and I am saying to myself that I will be more watchful of my behavior when and if I get married because I see things from both sides. (Of course, since I am not in a relationship, that is easy for me to vow!)

My problem is that I am uncomfortable when I hear my sister berating my brother in law when I am in my room and even more so when it is in front of me, such as when we are watching TV in the living room or in the car together. I don’t know how to act, other than leaving the room. Tonight my brother in law actually got angry and got up and left the room. I really can’t understand why she has to get on his case. Sometimes I feel like saying to him that I am sorry, but I think that will be wrong to take sides. I don’t know that I could mention anything to her because I think she might just say she really loves him and he really is a good husband or maybe she would just put him down, either one, since she has said those things to me before without my saying anything.

What would be the best way to handle this? By the way, we are all in our late 50’s and I am the only practicing Catholic. This is her second marriage and the first husband was much more assertive, shall we say. This is his third marriage and, from what I understand, the other women were not very nice to him.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and haven’t discussed it with anyone before this. So I am happy to get it off my chest and discuss it. Thanks.
 
Perhaps you could have a nice talk with her sometime over lunch somewhere and tell her that you are concerned that she is doing what your mom used to do. Give her some examples first. “Remember that time when…” and finish with, "I am sure this isn’t how you want to be toward your husband, and I am not sure you are even aware that you do this, but I just thought I would bring it to your attention. I would hate to see this bring harm to your marriage.

However, after you have said it, and she most likely will not like it, you need to let it go. You cannot take sides against her. You should not apologize to your brother in law. At most, you can also leave the room if she does this.

Of course, continue to pray for both of them. And think about finding a quiet little place of your own to live if at all possible.
 
"Of course, continue to pray for both of them. And think about finding a quiet little place of your own to live if at all possible. "

This.

I am not quite sure why you are living with your sister and her husband but since you are living there it might be wise to remain silent on their issues in their marriage.
 
Much has been done to aid women married to bullies but little for men wed to shrews. I can think of three families that have women like your sister in the home.

Yes, you could talk to your sister but you better have an exit plan if she turns on you. Her actions towards her husband affects the whole household. You are made uncomfortable, as is her husband, and I’m sure his brother is upset too.
 
You might read Matthew 18 vs 15-18. It helps to know Jesus has an answer for all our problems.
 
What you are describing is perhaps not the best communication or handling of issues between spouses, but it doesn’t really sound all that abnormal. Spouses get on each others’ nerves. He’s making things up, she isn’t responding appropriately…whatever the problem is, it’s their problem and their marriage.

I think the best thing is for you to just move out. Let them handle their issues as a married couple in privacy, and get some peace yourself.
 
I appreciate everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut. I did think it best to stay out of it and that is what I have done, but I was just wondering if I am sort of enabling her by not saying something.

For those of you wondering why I am living with them. First of all, I don’t think it is strange at all, so I wonder why anyone would question family looking out for one another. There were also two other family members living here during the summer when they were in need.

My sister and brother in law asked me to come and live with them in their spare room in this big house after my mother passed away and we needed to sell her house. I lived in really small town with her for 35 years. I lost my job a few years ago and struggled with obtaining another. Although I was often interviewing there is a lot of competition for jobs in my area (the employment rate and poverty level is one of the highest in the nation). I considered myself lucky when I got an interview, since for each position I applied and, perhaps, tested for there would be at least a thousand applicants. My mother, who was nearly 90 when she passed away, told me in her later years that she considered me her caregiver. She was able to care for herself, but had a heart condition, trouble walking, and a few other health concerns. Neither of us could afford to buy a car or pay for the upkeep and if you saw the household income even when I had a job you would know why. It was below poverty level. We did not feel like it, though. My mother owned her own home and spent frugally, as did I, and we lived in a small town where many things were walking distance.

I had accumulated a lot of savings over the years, which helped during the years of unemployment. I had to start using credit cards in order to not spend the savings as fast. It took maybe three years to completely run out. When I was down to $250 I applied for food stamps. Before that, I had to put groceries on credit cards. I have no health insurance and no dental, but made dental check ups a priority. That meant looking for specials, and switching dentalists, until I actually found an add for a low cost community health clinic in my church bulletin. I kept up all my credit card payments, never falling behind, always paying on time or early. I already had a good credit score, so was offered very good balance transfer and visa check offers. I ended up needing to borrow to pay back money I borrowed. All the while, I was keeping this situation from my mother and praying that I would get land a job.

After my mother passed away, it fell to me to take care of the house and getting everything sorted, taken to the thrift shops or saved for my sisters, and learning how to do yard work to improve the curb appeal. For at least three or four months I was in too much grief to even think about working and I did not want to be away from my mother’s room, where we used to eat lunch together and talk for hours.

Anyway, to sum it up, I live with my sister because she saw my need. I was able to finally pay off my debts, with my share from the sale of the house. Where I live now is actually rural and harder to get around without a car, which I was wise enough not to purchase even though I really, really wanted to.

I apologize if I offend anyone, but I do think that to tell someone in this day in age to just move out and live on your own is not at all being realistic about the state of our economy is is presumous about another human being.

So, there you have it, the reason why I am living with them. And for some reason, I thought I did not need to explain that at all! Just accept that different people have different living arrangements from what you might consider “normal”. I could be living here for any number of reasons.

My brother in law’s son is living here, 26 years old, not his brother. He stays in his room a lot. Perhaps I could do that as well, but I get cabin fever being confined for a long time like that! I feel bad for the boy when I think he might overhear her, yet it doesn’t happen when he is out in the common areas of the house.

By the way, my sister sometimes berates me as well. I used to stick up for myself, until a couple of months ago when it happened on a long drive while we were alone. I meant to write a post about that, as I couldn’t understand why it happened and what to do. I had a panic attack while it was happening and told her I felt tortured but she got more upset and said something like, “Oh my God, I can’t believe this. Don’t ever do this to me again.”

The next time I felt like sticking up for myself, I didn’t. Then later I wrote a long letter to her, which I tore up. The next morning I realized that letting some time pass made me feel a bit better. I’ve been thinking that maybe “turning the other cheek” means turning to God for healing, since sticking up for yourself can turn into a fight that just gets worse.

I don’t know, maybe I wish my brother in law would stick up for himself. If I was married or in a relationship, I think I wouldn’t respect a man who would not stick up for himself. Not saying I don’t respect him, but I wouldn’t want a man to allow me to lose myself the way she does. I’d rather be reigned in a bit, if that makes sense.

Anyway, thanks for the advice and I think, yes, it’s best if I stay out of it. I suppose I can behave in such as way as to not seem as though I go along with what she is saying, which I am sort of afraid he would think.

Thanks for the bible verse. I will look that up and take it to heart.
 
CAROLOFTHEBELLS said:
About six months ago I moved in with my sister and her husband, a year after my mother passed away. I previously lived with my mother for many years and was her companion at home in the last years. I am very grateful for the opportunity to live here now. It is a big house and my brother in law’s son, who is 26 also lives here in the room across from mine.

I know my sister loves her husband and has been in love with him for many years. He loves her and is a fairly quiet and gentle man. However, there are some things he does that, obviously, get on her nerves, such as assuming things, making up answers to questions (I think he sometimes wants to be right so he makes up a reason for what he is saying), or not doing something the way she asked or said she wanted. They get along good, for the most part. But I am noticing at least twice a week she is on him about something and he mostly takes it while she berates him. He tries to respond with his reasoning but she shoots him down.

In our childhood, our mother - who was sweet and gentle in her old age - sometimes went on and on when upset and I think maybe my sister and I picked up this habit of handling frustrations and anger this way. I understood it was a problem for me, but I actually butted heads with my mom a number of times and had to learn to control it. As she got older, it was very necessary to keep myself in check for her good. I’ve never married, so this current situation is actually something of a learning ground for me and I am saying to myself that I will be more watchful of my behavior when and if I get married because I see things from both sides. (Of course, since I am not in a relationship, that is easy for me to vow!)

My problem is that I am uncomfortable when I hear my sister berating my brother in law when I am in my room and even more so when it is in front of me, such as when we are watching TV in the living room or in the car together. I don’t know how to act, other than leaving the room. Tonight my brother in law actually got angry and got up and left the room. I really can’t understand why she has to get on his case. Sometimes I feel like saying to him that I am sorry, but I think that will be wrong to take sides. I don’t know that I could mention anything to her because I think she might just say she really loves him and he really is a good husband or maybe she would just put him down, either one, since she has said those things to me before without my saying anything.

What would be the best way to handle this? By the way, we are all in our late 50’s and I am the only practicing Catholic. This is her second marriage and the first husband was much more assertive, shall we say. This is his third marriage and, from what I understand, the other women were not very nice to him.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and haven’t discussed it with anyone before this. So I am happy to get it off my chest and discuss it. Thanks.
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Sounds to me that their marriage fits the classical ‘spousal abuse’ marriage, the exception being (as if otten the case where the female is the abuser) that the abuse comes in the form of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, sexual neglect. Her husband sounds like he fits the classic type of abused spouse (timid, blames himself, afraid of how to answer her so asnwers in different ways/whatever way rather than as a man who confidently states the truth and is unafraid of being punnished for doing so).

I think they need couseling. Talk to whoever you think will be more receptive to the idea (there is tremendous shame with a male who is an abused spouse so expect denial, excuse making) and your sister probably wont’ jump for joy if you confront her by telling her she’s abusing her husband…and since you live there… she might invite you to NOT live there if you broach this topic with either of them…approach the hubby it still might get back to the wife who is clearly the boss in the relationsihp and gets her way and runs the show irrrespective of what hubby wants or needs.

Good luck with this one.
 
Yes, I understand now why you are with your sister. It is very sad what has happened to you but you seem to be a very strong and intelligent person. I can feel your sadness over the loss of your Mom, I too had a difficult time when my Mom died. It does get better, the grief I mean. Hang in there and know that I will pray for you.

I’m sure it is quite difficult to be silent when your sister is being rude to your BIL but please step lightly because it seems that at this time you need to be in their household (and there is nothing wrong with that). I too found myself in that very same prediciment when I had to live with my brother and his wife for awhile after my divorce. There were many times I wanted to speak up but couldn’t because of the living situation/finances and no job in sight.

I meant to add that finally I had to speak up because my SIL (alcoholic) became physically abusive to my brother and he was in ill health and needed someone to protect him as he did not have the strength. So, things could get ugly pretty quickly.

Blessings to you it will get better.😉
 
I’m sorry OP but I’m just a mean person… I would say something like geeze chill out or OK whats ur problem? only if she was my sister or cousin or dad or mom haha. but my family life was crazy growing up we all fought, well I stood up against my dad for my mom and bro sometime (and for pets) so I guess my tolerance is low for people being unfair. then I keep my mom honest and when she hurts me I tell her “hey that was really mean and hurt my feelings” etc. my brother is against my dad sometimes and I say “well he’s not that bad and he loves you! dude! geeze” haha maybe it is because I only have a brother that I can tell him when he is being a jerk.
then my cousin is crazy sometimes… I look at her and be like…ur crazy haha

oh but I do get not saying anything… like if she was my best friend. If it was her hmm maybe I would write her a letter telling her softly or for a text. or hmm maybe make my presence known better next time she’s being disrespectful. maybe she might tone it down or stop idk. I mean that’s her hubby! you don’t do that to your hubby! which is why this is making me a lil mad right now and wanting to email her for you hahaha…just kidding.

and I never thought about getting kicked out of my parents’ house haha sorry. even after I was 18.

oh but then I saw my mom stand up to (face to face) and call the cops on my aunts (her sister) bf after he hit her. which is 100% right to me. maybe not the face to face part tho lol we all didn’t like him (***)
 
CAROLOFTHEBELLS said:
I apologize if I offend anyone, but I do think that to tell someone in this day in age to just move out and live on your own is not at all being realistic about the state of our economy is is presumous about another human being.

So, there you have it, the reason why I am living with them. And for some reason, I thought I did not need to explain that at all! Just accept that different people have different living arrangements from what you might consider “normal”. I could be living here for any number of reasons.
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I don’t think anyone was being malicious by suggesting that you move out. You asked for advice, and nearly everyone who responded thinks it’s a good idea. There are other options, even considering your circumstances- moving to a different area, finding a roommate, applying for housing assistance, etc. Otherwise, if you plan on continuing to live there, you will need to keep your opinions about your sister’s marriage to yourself. You are not “enabling” her by neglecting to comment on her marriage- you are a guest living in her house and what happens between her and her husband is not of your concern. If the situation is too much to handle, then you need to take steps to remove yourself from that situation.
 
OP, she’s your sister so could you just have a little heart-to-heart talk with her and ask her how she’s feeling? Something like, “I noticed you seem kind of frustrated with your husband and you vent about him sometimes. Are you feeling stressed or anything? He really is a good guy and I hate to see anything come in between you guys. I hope you’ll remember to look at all the good things about him instead of focusing on the negative” You could also go out of your way to say positive things about him like “Wow, John is so helpful with such and such, you’re lucky to have him.” and maybe that will make her think a little more.

You need to tread very lightly, and try not to make it into a confrontation or a big deal. Just bring it up in some casual yet thoughtful ways here and there. All of us married folks vent about our spouse sometimes, and I for one appreciate it when someone lovingly corrects me and helps me to cut down on negative talk about my husband. Sometimes we just don’t realize we’re overdoing it until someone says something.

No matter what, this it’s going to be a bit hard to live with family once you’re an adult. I’ve lived with my sister and her husband before and faced an almost identical dilemma. You just have to adjust along the way and learn to live with each other. Praying for you!
 
I’ve struggled with getting on my husband’s case but in my defense, I have suffered over a decade of what I consider abuse from my husband. My family does not know because it is of a private nature. I am literally frustrated – physically and emotionally. It’s been a deep pain that’s beyond my ability to describe. And I’ve tried to address the matter appropriately from day 1. My sister once had the nerve to say something against me when I was getting on his case and I am still deeply hurt by that. Still, I will never open up to her about what my husband has done to me. I respect my husband too much to embarrass him. I do my best to deal with my frustrations but I’ll never be perfect.
 
emilybarrassed said:
I’ve struggled with getting on my husband’s case but in my defense, I have suffered over a decade of what I consider abuse from my husband. My family does not know because it is of a private nature. I am literally frustrated – physically and emotionally. It’s been a deep pain that’s beyond my ability to describe. And I’ve tried to address the matter appropriately from day 1. My sister once had the nerve to say something against me when I was getting on his case and I am still deeply hurt by that. Still, I will never open up to her about what my husband has done to me. I respect my husband too much to embarrass him. I do my best to deal with my frustrations but I’ll never be perfect.
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I guess my point is that I’d stay out of it and just love your sister with all of your heart. Pray for her. But know that things are not always as they appear. You really have no idea what their relationship is like.
 
I’m living with my mother. We are two adult women sharing a house. And when the time comes, I’ll be the one caring for her since my siblings are married and have children. It’s certainly an unusual living situation now - but not long ago it was very common.
When my mother dies I can easily see myself moving in with one of my sisters. Not because I have to - I am lucky enough to be able to support myself and I have a job that I love - but because I would feel lonely and useless otherwise. My sister gets help with kids and cooking and what not, I get to live in a family - that’s a fair trade, I think!

So I think I understand your living situation.

If I were you I’d try to be VERY sure that the real reason you’re reacting the way you are isn’t “If I was someone’s wife I’d never treat my husband like that”. It’s a painful thought, I know. Try to be honest with yourself.

I think it’s hard for single people to really understand other people’s marriage. My guess is there’s lots of stuff going on beneath the surface - and perhaps your sister is reacting to something you know nothing of.

Also remember that when they married he chose her. With all her faults. It is his job to help her into heaven and vice versa. Let them work it out.

I’ve lived with families several times - as a helping friend when someone’s had a lot of babies in a short time, as an au pair, and I sometimes spend several weeks in my sister’s houses. It helps if you have lots to do in the evenings. Join a choir or a church group or something. They love you but they need alone time for their marriage to work properly.

Also make yourself useful (I’m sure you already are!) - it will make them see you as a plus and not a minus, and it will give you confidence. Take the kids on a trip, offer to be responsible for all the ironing, give them friday date nights …

Phew - that was a lot - I’m sorry! Hope you find any of it useful!
 
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