How to address husband searching porn

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I suspected my husband of being into pornography but his phone search history is usually deleted. He hadn’t this time and I saw a long history of it over the last few weeks. This was just a couple nights ago but I haven’t addressed it I’d love some Christian nonjudgmental advice on how best to deal with this.
 
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Well, the first thought is that in order to have any discussion with him, you are going to have to tell him you looked at his phone history. Most likely, the discussion will spin into why you invaded his privacy. Once you get past that, you can address the real issue.

What made you have the suspicion in the first place?
 
I’ve already said this today but I’ll say it again because it’s worth repeating I think.

Porn may help satisfy an urge but it’s different from real life. Obvious I know but the problem isn’t that simple because with porn a person will imagine and it’s the fantasy which make the porn addictive. Remove those fantasies and it’s just pictures. I’d suggest anyone with the problem should desist and satisfy their urge if they must without the use of porn because the fantasies they imagine are not going to be fulfilled in real life and by entertaining such ideas about people by extension you view people as bodies attached to sexual fantasy which is unreal and objectifying. Sex is just one thing that people do, sex objects is a small part of what we are. And what is more, not even the best part of what people are.

From a religious and familial point of view we ruin our relationships with God and our spouses and everyone else by using porn.
 
In the past I’ve seen it on the computer years ago. And I’ve addressed it as him cheating on me. I know he has a drinking and gambling problem and he’s talked to a priest (2+ years ago) and told me “I’ve done good with 2 of my addictions just can’t quit the third, gambling during football season.” So I assumed porn was the other. He’s very closed up more than usual and we’ve had a few spells within the past couple years of months without making love. I thought it was my not initiating it and my weight gain. But yes I am nervous about how he’ll react with my searching of his phone. 😬
 
Thank you that is very insightful. I know we have never really had that good of a marriage with my husbands drinking and gambling addiction and suspected pornography use (reconfirmed Monday night). He’s a good father but lacking in the husband department. To be honest I haven’t been bending over backwards lately either. I’m just not sure of the best corse of action!? I don’t want to get upset and I know he’ll be defensive.
 
Have you two been to counseling for your marriage? If not, you should go. If he wont go with you, go by yourself to someone, it will help you gain insight and skills.
 
We went a couple of times but he felt like he was being attacked the counselor was a woman too. This was many many years ago. He probably would not go with me. I’m definitely going to try to talk to somebody about this I would feel on comfortable with a priest being that I am a woman I feel like it would cause them to sin me even talking about it. I would love a suggestion on how and if I confront my husband in the meantime!
 
You could just suggest that you both go talk to a priest about your (floundering) marriage, and there, bring up your/his issues. And the truth can be brought up there. Or, talk to your priest alone about how to approach your husband. You may need to just come clean about your snooping and ask your husband’s forgiveness and explain what let you to it.
 
You know him best, but generally it’s bound to be embarrassing. And since it’s supposed to be something he’s doing secretly he’s bound to be defensive and possibly angry about it, making your dishonesty at looking at his phone the major issue, as major an issue as you feeling he is betraying you by using porn. Somehow you both need to discuss the issue sensibly like adults and as husband and wife, love is the key to that maybe.

There is a need underlying the habit he may have developed. The porn should stop at least and ideally you should be approaching each other for your needs. That means you both need to be available to each other in that way. How you deal with that aspect is your call and can’t really be described specifically because it’s unique to some extent.

By using porn he is making sex become an insidious thing, the urge to have sex is not insidious in itself. I would avoid blaming him as such, just out of compassion for his well being and spiritual self he needs to be helped to see that he should desist using porn, that is a separate issue to satisfying the underlying urge which he can’t be blamed for having, though he needs to control it and you can help him in that way.

These are just my thoughts on the matter, you should see a therapist again perhaps, I’m certainly not one myself.
 
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“I looked at your phone history, I am going to begin counseling next week. I hope you will join me.”
 
1331 said:
I would feel on comfortable with a priest being that I am a woman I feel like it would cause them to sin me even talking about it.
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This is a sort of spiritual pride. Your priest is appointed by your Bishop to care for your soul.
 
Wow I think he would be mad if I sprung that on him in front of a priest. I don’t have any problem apologizing when I’m in the wrong but I think I’d have a hard time apologizing for snooping because of what I found. Mind you he puts me down oftentimes when he’s drunk and never apologizes so I don’t ever expect one. I’m definitely glad I found what he was searching so I know it’s not me personally that he’s not attracted to.
 
Thank you for your honesty! I do struggle with pride believe me my husband points it out 😉 I may talk to a priest about it.
 
And yes I need to initiate it more like I used to but it’s difficult when I feel like he puts me down and rarely lets me in to his thoughts feelings life in general.
 
Maybe you can share one part of his isolation, carefully to broach the subject of porn by leaving an article about it’s Ill effects on the coffee table, maybe more than once. It may be difficult without a row but part of what separates you is his secret porn world.

God bless and I pray you resolve this very soon.
 
Thanks so much! Your prayers for us are an amazing gift. It’s so difficult feeling betrayed by someone I love and don’t feel comfortable enough with my own husband to discuss it. I’m worried I’ll get too emotional turning into what it’s doing to me not being able to express how it’s effecting our marriage. Difficult to know how long it’s been going on. We’ve been married for 16+ years. It could be the “other person” in our marriage that’s been killing us slowly all along.
 
You may be right, but remember even your idea about it may be part fantasy. Somehow you two need to talk about it, with love and the memories of the love you had, perhaps you could start there, remind him of how you once felt about each other. The romantic days and evenings, places you went and laughed, places you visited and fun you had. And the strength of that love that guided you both to the altar.
God bless.
 
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Thanks Lee I truly feel like your comments are of God! I know my thoughts race to the worse case scenario may be a fantasy.
 
That’s a lovely thought 1331. Thank you for it.

I was just thinking if you like the idea of prayers to help you with this then there is a forum here for prayer intentions, you might like to start a thread there with a very brief description outlining your issue, there are many kind souls on CAF who will pray for your intentions.
God bless you.
 
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