How to address husband searching porn

[Beryllos]

I am not an expert in this, but I’ll try to make a few suggestions.

Try to keep it positive by thinking of and working toward what’s best for him. It also happens to be what is best for you and for your marriage, but for the moment let’s focus on what is best for him.

Porn is a problem, a serious one, and he probably knows it. As much as he may be attracted to porn, he surely recognizes that it is not satisfying him, and that it is not good for him or you. So consider this: If he wishes to overcome and eliminate porn, how can you help him in his struggle? (It’s a struggle because porn tends to be habitual. Many men describe it as an addiction.)

The biggest help you can give him is your love, support, and loyalty.

It is very important for both of you to avoid the blame game. Don’t fix the blame; fix the problem. Also avoid attaching other issues to it, like, for example, characterizing porn as cheating on you. It is understandable that you would feel that way, but cheating is a very strong word which may make reconciliation more difficult. Focus on what you want in your relationship (love, joy, closeness, trust, peace, and more), not what you don’t want.

That applies to him as well. If he calls out your inspection of his phone history as spying, snooping, or distrust, be patient with him, because his view is understandable, but don’t encourage him to wallow in it, as if that were his biggest problem. Try to help him work toward the positive. What kind of relationship would give him the most joy, fulfillment, and so on?

By the way, when I say that feelings are understandable, I don’t mean that I necessarily approve. I just mean that I can see how it could happen, how a person could feel justified to adopt a certain view when they are disappointed, fearful, or embarrassed.

As others have suggested, therapy or counseling could benefit you both. I am not sure what other issues there may be, but I imagine for him a reasonable goal of therapy would be to work toward eliminating porn from his life, with all its fantasies and unrealistic expectations.

To accomplish this, he really has to want to do it. Perhaps he could be motivated by the positive vision that it will make room in his mind and heart for real love and intimacy.

I am praying for you!

 

[egretps]

I would suggest not confronting him just yet. Addiction, including to porn is often shame-filled. Your suspicions might be unfounded, but they are probably spot-on.

Go to counseling. Treat him with respect as a child of God. Ask St. Rita and St. Joseph to pray for your dh and your family. Start there. Start with prayer, and I will join in as well for you.

 

[bmaj]

I’m so sorry to hear about this difficulty in your marriage, and I truly sympathize and feel what you’re going through. Porn has been a very intrusive part of my marriage for many, many years, unfortunately, and it often feels like it will never go away. I’ve been to counseling since my husband wouldn’t go and I’ve also discussed it with a priest, and that helped quite a bit for awhile. I prayed and prayed, and that helped as well, but the issue keeps returning because it seems to be an addiction in my husband’s case…or at minimum a horrible habit that he chooses by the free will that God provides not to end. I continue to pray for him and our marriage, and whenever I discover as you did that the issue is still around, I try to have a caring discussion yet again with him about it, but it’s very hard for me not to get emotional when it tears me apart and he puts me down big time in the process. Please know that you will be in my prayers, and feel free to send me a private message if you ever need to “talk.” May our Blessed Mother be always there to help you as well!

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

In the past I’ve seen it on the computer years ago. And I’ve addressed it as him cheating on me.

For the record, this is a SUPER common problem most men have, married and single. I’m not saying it’s good, but your husband is not some uniquely broken or weird person. He’s completely normal* (note that normal doesn’t necessarily mean “good” in this instance.)

Also, not that I’m telling you how to feel, but I don’t think it’s the same as him cheating on you. Again, I’m not saying it’s a good thing by any means, but it is a way, way smaller offense than him actually having sex with another woman.

• I’m assuming here the porn he was looking at was just like naked adult women and not something really deviant.

 

[egretps]

Earlier this year at an abbey we attend, the Abbot asserted during his homily that looking at porn was cheating. It was a form of adultery, as

>Mathew 5:28

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

I disagree, at least as the term “cheating” is commonly understood. It’s at least a relatively minor offense in the “cheating” family.

 

[egretps]

I would agree with you as well. But, ultimately the money, energy and time given to porn is cheating. I had never thought of it that way before. (I’m a woman btw, and a product of American culture.). Porn is often used as a ‘punch-line’ on sitcoms. I remember being shocked the first 100 times I heard it on tv. (Exaggerating, of course). I don’t like watching most tv, and for several years I would loudly and under my breath say I didn’t like ‘2 1/2 men’ and ’ How I met your mother’ because of smarmy references as my dh would be watching. I am annoying at times.

 

[egretps]

But for the OP if her husband is using Porn instead of giving his attention to his wife, he is in some ways cheating. Robbing her of physical affection that she is due. (As a woman, yes many of us do enjoy the time and affection.)

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, he is giving someone else attention instead of his wife. It is the equivalent of emotional cheating in my opinion. It doesn’t really hurt much less to women. I realize men may not see it that way, but women are still hurt by it.