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Giggly_Giraffe
Guest
I’m a Mommy & exhausted of giving instructions with no one listening. What are some coping skills to keep me from blowing up?
How to address people/children when they don't listen to you?
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1ke
Guest
How old are your children? How many do you have? What sorts of things do they not listen to?
Listening and behaving is a learned behavior. Do you follow through with action, or do you just keep saying “I really mean it…” and then no action or consequences? Do you have techniques in place for bad behavior?
Things to think about.
Have you looked at Jo Frost (Supernanny) books?
Listening and behaving is a learned behavior. Do you follow through with action, or do you just keep saying “I really mean it…” and then no action or consequences? Do you have techniques in place for bad behavior?
Things to think about.
Have you looked at Jo Frost (Supernanny) books?
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Mrs_Sally
Guest
Are you sure they hear you? We all get absorbed in activities or distracted. Is the radio or TV on? Are you in another room or calling from inside the closet, laundry, etc.
One thing I did quite a bit when mine were littles is to go up to them and make sure they were physically looking at me and paying attention before I gave instructions. Then if they didn’t obey I knew it wasn’t because they truly didn’t hear me.
Also, you may need to give more concrete/explicit instructions. IE, “bring down the dirty laundry from the bathroom hampers and sort out the whites.” Not, “get the laundry started.”
I also agree that if you just keep yelling and asking, but no true consequenses happen than all you are doing is training them to tune you out. First make sure they hear you, make sure they know how to do what you are asking, and then deliver the stated (appropriate) consequence if they don’t comply.
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Giggly_Giraffe
Guest
It seems my whole life people don’t list and kid are excellent at not listening.
My family, when I was a financial advisor, my family refused to listen to change their portfolio when I told them banking wasn’t safe. I didn’t even say “told you so” in 2007-08.
My MIL & FiL have whole conversations answering for me. My MIL insistes MY sisters name is Tracy (ummm it’s not Tracy!!!). When I ask them to stop cleaning out house, they clean more. I ask them to wait to Christmas to give kids gifts and then they drop by daily with gifts; these are the same ones I have wrapped waiting in the basement. Aaaaaah
Kids (1.5 & 2.75) … Well, the stories are endless. My 2.75 is potty training, I’m in the shower & she poops in her diaper. Then I tell her wait, I’ll help you. She looks me in the eye me says, “myself” then In trying to do it herself gets poop everywhere before I can react and I can only say stop … Stop… STOP … And as usual, I wasn’t listened to.
Even the at resturants, I ask for a standard menu item & they get it wrong.
I’m running on fumes with no one listening. Is it even worth it to talk? Maybe we shouldn’t teach talking!!! (JK) I know Jesus says something like the ppl in Nazerious don’t listen to family but… Ahhhhh
My family, when I was a financial advisor, my family refused to listen to change their portfolio when I told them banking wasn’t safe. I didn’t even say “told you so” in 2007-08.
My MIL & FiL have whole conversations answering for me. My MIL insistes MY sisters name is Tracy (ummm it’s not Tracy!!!). When I ask them to stop cleaning out house, they clean more. I ask them to wait to Christmas to give kids gifts and then they drop by daily with gifts; these are the same ones I have wrapped waiting in the basement. Aaaaaah
Kids (1.5 & 2.75) … Well, the stories are endless. My 2.75 is potty training, I’m in the shower & she poops in her diaper. Then I tell her wait, I’ll help you. She looks me in the eye me says, “myself” then In trying to do it herself gets poop everywhere before I can react and I can only say stop … Stop… STOP … And as usual, I wasn’t listened to.
Even the at resturants, I ask for a standard menu item & they get it wrong.
I’m running on fumes with no one listening. Is it even worth it to talk? Maybe we shouldn’t teach talking!!! (JK) I know Jesus says something like the ppl in Nazerious don’t listen to family but… Ahhhhh
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Giggly_Giraffe
Guest
I must give Thanks to my husband who does listen. He put 60% of his 401 K in cash in sprig of 2007 … Reinvested in 2009. He knows my sisters name. And he doesn’t spear poop ever where.
. He actually helps clean poop up. Problem is he’s not here enough to refuel me.
. He actually helps clean poop up. Problem is he’s not here enough to refuel me.
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on_the_hill
Guest
I’ll follow this thread to see if anyone knows the secret.
Last evening I realized my daughter’s friends pay more attention to me than she does.
I remember when I was a teenager, how my dad would call for us, and get angry if we didn’t drop what we were doing and hop to it. I totally didn’t get why that bothered him. It’s not like we were obligated to snap to attention whenever he addressed us.
30+ years later, I still don’t know why he expected that behavior from us. And doggone it, I get irked when I call to my kids and they don’t drop what they’re doing and snap to it.
Last evening I realized my daughter’s friends pay more attention to me than she does.
I remember when I was a teenager, how my dad would call for us, and get angry if we didn’t drop what we were doing and hop to it. I totally didn’t get why that bothered him. It’s not like we were obligated to snap to attention whenever he addressed us.
30+ years later, I still don’t know why he expected that behavior from us. And doggone it, I get irked when I call to my kids and they don’t drop what they’re doing and snap to it.
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on_the_hill
Guest
My wife and I had been married for several years when my sister-in-law, who had been to our wedding, who had known me for as long as I knew my wife, happened to see my last name written down somewhere. She asked, “Is (on_the_hill) Jewish?”
SIL asked hopefully, because she, herself, converted from RC to Judaism.
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Ophelia23
Guest
Oh my goodness, I know exactly how you feel!
With my 3 year old, I sometimes will ask her to repeat to me what I have said. I’ve found that helps tremendously. It makes her stop and think, and it confirms to me if she’s really heard me or not.
With my husband, well… I can’t seem to get him to hear much. I honestly said to him just the other day, “How am I supposed to teach my kids to listen to me when my own husband is ignoring me?!”
With my 3 year old, I sometimes will ask her to repeat to me what I have said. I’ve found that helps tremendously. It makes her stop and think, and it confirms to me if she’s really heard me or not.
With my husband, well… I can’t seem to get him to hear much. I honestly said to him just the other day, “How am I supposed to teach my kids to listen to me when my own husband is ignoring me?!”
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mommamaree
Guest
I would love to know how to cope with not being listened to as well. So I have no advice. But I have made good progress with getting my kids to listen to me lately. They are learning, through painful experience, that if they do not listen and obey, they miss out on some fun stuff. Also, I am insistent upon maintaining eye contact while giving directions. Anything that distracts them and tempts them to break eye contact during instructions is removed immediately. But how to deal with the frustration of not being listened to is still beyond me. I don’t handle that well at all.
With anyone else who is not my child, I don’t even bother trying to get them to listen. They don’t want to hear what I have to say, so it would fall on deaf ears, so it is not worth my time. I wait until someone is receptive and quiet and inquisitive before opening my mouth. Too many people want to run their mouths off anyway, and I don’t want to be guilty of that, nor do I want to attempt to compete against it.
With anyone else who is not my child, I don’t even bother trying to get them to listen. They don’t want to hear what I have to say, so it would fall on deaf ears, so it is not worth my time. I wait until someone is receptive and quiet and inquisitive before opening my mouth. Too many people want to run their mouths off anyway, and I don’t want to be guilty of that, nor do I want to attempt to compete against it.
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Mrs_Sally
Guest
Couple of different things going on here. No one is obligated to do what their financial advisor tells them to - especially not if said FA is simply a family member giving unsolicited advice. They have already recieved the consequences of not listening to you.
I’d intercept the gifts at the door and put all the cleaning supplies away when they come over. You know deep down that they believe themselves to be helpful, kind, and generous. Too many grandparents behave just as you’ve described for it to be anything else.
As for the waiters, just send it back. They will also learn from natural consequences delivered by the resturant supervisors.
Your children however are very young still. I wouldn’t say they aren’t listening as much as they aren’t really old enough to understand everything you ask or expect. Almost 3s want to do everything themselves - it is a developmental milestone and not naughtiness. Maybe pin her into her diaper or pullups (old-fashioned diaper covers are great for that) while you are in the shower next time.
Life is just going to be hectic some days with 2 littles who can get around on their own and get into things but just aren’t old enough to be patient or follow directions well.
Take a deep breath and let go of some of your expectations. Your children will listen better as they get older. Your inlaws and random teenagers at resturants, you just need to learn to cope with or work around.
I’d intercept the gifts at the door and put all the cleaning supplies away when they come over. You know deep down that they believe themselves to be helpful, kind, and generous. Too many grandparents behave just as you’ve described for it to be anything else.
As for the waiters, just send it back. They will also learn from natural consequences delivered by the resturant supervisors.
Your children however are very young still. I wouldn’t say they aren’t listening as much as they aren’t really old enough to understand everything you ask or expect. Almost 3s want to do everything themselves - it is a developmental milestone and not naughtiness. Maybe pin her into her diaper or pullups (old-fashioned diaper covers are great for that) while you are in the shower next time.
Life is just going to be hectic some days with 2 littles who can get around on their own and get into things but just aren’t old enough to be patient or follow directions well.
Take a deep breath and let go of some of your expectations. Your children will listen better as they get older. Your inlaws and random teenagers at resturants, you just need to learn to cope with or work around.
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anonymous_in_fl
Guest
Eye Contact!
When dealing with children ( whether to praise, or instruct, or reprimand) you must nake eye contact.
Kneel next to the child, call their name and say “I want you to look at my eyes” and then once eye contact is made give your instruction/praise/reprimand. They need to maintain eye contact with you throughout the instruction/praise/ reprimand.
It should only last 15-30 seconds, tops. No lectures!
When dealing with children ( whether to praise, or instruct, or reprimand) you must nake eye contact.
Kneel next to the child, call their name and say “I want you to look at my eyes” and then once eye contact is made give your instruction/praise/reprimand. They need to maintain eye contact with you throughout the instruction/praise/ reprimand.
It should only last 15-30 seconds, tops. No lectures!
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marymary1975
Guest
I think it would be helpful to know how old are the kids and more of the circumstances would be helpful, but assuming the kids are little I have some advice to pass some general advice fromy grand aunt who raised seven boys and that at least has worked for me:
- Do NOT under any circumstance yell or raise your voice. Kids won’t listen if you are yelling. Instead take a deep breath and count to ten.
- Lower yourself to the kid’s eye level so your eyes are looking straight to the kid’s eye
- Grab the kid by the arm, each hand of your holding each arm and most importantly lower your voice as low as you can and talk low and slow.
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JB_Dugan
Guest
A farmer was trying in vain to get his mule to pull his wagon when an old cowboy rode by.
“Can you help me with this stubborn s.o.b.?” asked the farmer.
“Sure” said the old cowboy, “I used to be a pretty good Mule Whisperer in my day.”
The cowboy got down from his horse, and took a 2x4 from the wagon. He walked up to the mule and showed him the 2x4. Then he hit the mule on the head with the 2x4 as hard as he could. The mule dropped to it knees, dazed. When the mule recovered, the old cowboy showed him the 2x4 again and the mule began to pull the wagon rather briskly.
The old cowboy handed the 2x4 to the farmer and told him: “Next time he gets stubborn, just show him this.”
The farmer thanked the cowboy, but asked: “Why did you have to hit him so hard?”
As he rode away the old cowboy replied: “That was just to get his attention.”
This method is not recommended for little children but it may be considered for teenagers.
“Can you help me with this stubborn s.o.b.?” asked the farmer.
“Sure” said the old cowboy, “I used to be a pretty good Mule Whisperer in my day.”
The cowboy got down from his horse, and took a 2x4 from the wagon. He walked up to the mule and showed him the 2x4. Then he hit the mule on the head with the 2x4 as hard as he could. The mule dropped to it knees, dazed. When the mule recovered, the old cowboy showed him the 2x4 again and the mule began to pull the wagon rather briskly.
The old cowboy handed the 2x4 to the farmer and told him: “Next time he gets stubborn, just show him this.”
The farmer thanked the cowboy, but asked: “Why did you have to hit him so hard?”
As he rode away the old cowboy replied: “That was just to get his attention.”
This method is not recommended for little children but it may be considered for teenagers.
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JohnMPhilomena
Guest
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
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Giggly_Giraffe
Guest
Gosh, it’s hard to let go of my financial advice when family ignores advice and then asks for money.
Prayers, yes, they help. Refueling is still needed. Sigh.
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St_Francis
Guest
Are the same people asking you for money and bringing over all those gifts?
Anyway… oh, boy, I soooooooooooo know what you mean!
With all the people who are not your children, offer it up. Anything at all that bothers you over which you have no authority and/or control, just offer it up.
With your children, wow, having children was eye-opening for me. I of course did not remember back when my mother taught me to obey, so I thought that that whole thing would come naturally
I could not believe the things my oldest would do…So, it sounds like at least one is young enough that she still needs to *learn *to obey, and that means you have to *teach *her to obey. And this will take some time, but once that child knows how to obey, then you have taken care of a huge percentage of the problem. The bad news is, some kids take a reeeeaaaaallllllly long time to learn that!
Sit your daughter down and tell her that 1. when you call her, she has to say Yes Mommy, and then come; and 2. that when you tell her to do something, she has to do it. You can practice this, even make a game of it. I imagine this is why Simon says and Mommy May I were invented.
There are two forms of their not doing what you want: rebellion and youthfulness. The first is self-explanatory; the second is when it’s not that they want to disobey you but… they are young and so they somehow didn’t. See the difference? They are not yet attentive enough to remember why they went to their room, so forgot to bring down their shoes. They are not old enough to remember an hour later to move the laundry along, so forgot. Etc.
This does not mean you don’t deal with it, because they still have to learn, bit it is not handled the same way as rebelliousness: I *won’t! *
For you litttle one, negative instructions or vague instructions are hard to understand. Yes, don’t do that seems very clear to *us! *But the negative might get lost and the “that” referred to could be tapping one’s feet, chewing, thinking about going outside, wiggling…
So give a positive command: sit down on the floor and put your hands on your head. Seriously.
Now I will tell you that my mother had to tell me to say please and thank you until the day I left home (and sometimes still does tell me!), but everyone i knew thought i was very polite because i always said please and thank you! So all that repetition does work…
eventually!
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CAROLOFTHEBELLS
Guest
There is one person in my family that selectively listens. If what I am talking about is not a subject she is interested in or doesn’t care much about at the time, she will listen but make movements that show she doesn’t want to or is not interested. Sometimes she will point out that while I like the subject I am talking about, she is just not “into it” or likes it but doesn’t like talking about it. And this is nothing controversial or upsetting that I am talking about.
Okay, so this is my sister and I like area amusement parks. But this is not all I talk about! I would just like the same respect and interest I show when she talks about Downton Abbey, etc., which I am not that interested in but willing to listen, share,and learn.
When she acts like she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, I feel like what I have to say is childish. I have a healthy joy in experiences that may seem childish, so I want to be appreciated as someone who thinks young and enjoys talking about my happy experiences. My sister and I are both in our fifties and I am the older one by one year. She makes me feel like I should get a grip and grow up. When I am quelched, I feel like I am stupid and the next time I even think about saying anything related to what I like or the places I like, well, I just hold back and feel like I have to hide and pretend.
I also have a problem with other subjects while talking to her; when I bring up something to her and she interupts with, “I already know that.” Most of the time in that case I am actually starting to tell her added information that she does not know, such as when we are planning something and something has come up.
With everyone else, I feel listened to. Very rarely I might experience a great nephew or niece who doesn’t listen. They are four and under. Just one of them, the three year old, has a problem listening to everyone a lot of the time.
Okay, so this is my sister and I like area amusement parks. But this is not all I talk about! I would just like the same respect and interest I show when she talks about Downton Abbey, etc., which I am not that interested in but willing to listen, share,and learn.
When she acts like she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, I feel like what I have to say is childish. I have a healthy joy in experiences that may seem childish, so I want to be appreciated as someone who thinks young and enjoys talking about my happy experiences. My sister and I are both in our fifties and I am the older one by one year. She makes me feel like I should get a grip and grow up. When I am quelched, I feel like I am stupid and the next time I even think about saying anything related to what I like or the places I like, well, I just hold back and feel like I have to hide and pretend.
I also have a problem with other subjects while talking to her; when I bring up something to her and she interupts with, “I already know that.” Most of the time in that case I am actually starting to tell her added information that she does not know, such as when we are planning something and something has come up.
With everyone else, I feel listened to. Very rarely I might experience a great nephew or niece who doesn’t listen. They are four and under. Just one of them, the three year old, has a problem listening to everyone a lot of the time.
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bmaj
Guest
Excellent suggestions in this thread…I especially like the Willy Wonka quote above! I guess we all have to keep our sense of humor when others don’t listen — and in all areas of life, for that matter!
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1ke
Guest
Let it go. It’s not your concern.
These are all boundary violations and your husband needs to deal with his parents and stop them from this behavior. These “gifts” should be given BACK as soon as they attempt to leave them with you. They can only “clean” your house if you allow them to. They can only answer for you if you allow them to.
If you allow yourself to be a doormat, you WILL be a doormat.
They are very young, so you can expect this. You need to start with firm rewards and consequences for the almost-3 year old.
Welcome to the club. That is not unique to you.
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Sarabande
Guest
With young kids (I don’t have older kids yet and I will, in no way, give advice about raising older kids when I don’t have any of my own… I don’t want to eat my words like I did once I became a mommy), it does depend on what works for individual children. I know what works very well for me is consequences and follow-through. My 3-year-old is extremely strong-willed. She can be a little dictator, very defiant and very proud, even after you punish her. In order for me to make sure that she doesn’t turn into an adult dictator, I have to engage an exercise of mental and emotional strength. If I break, it’s 10 steps back from my training and discipline training for her. If she is in her dictator mood, I lower my voice so that she can only hear me if she is absolutely quiet, I get my game face on, make her look in my eyes and tell her that there are no compromises. I’m very calm, my voice is calm, yet stern. I tell her that I’m the boss and if she doesn’t want to see my “wrath” (My wrath is placing her in the corner, but that’s torture to a 3-year-old and the word - even if she doesn’t understand what it means - sounds awful) then she’d better listen. If she still doesn’t listen, we leave everything we’re doing. I don’t care if I’m in the grocery store, or at Target or at the playground. We leave, we go home, I give a 3-year-old appropriate lecture to her on the drive home and let her know why we are doing this and why she will be standing in the corner once we step foot in our house. She will try to tell me she’s sorry so that she doesn’t have to experience my wrath of putting her in the corner. She’s tries to act her normally sweet and kind self. But no, I don’t give in. It will teach her how to manipulate if I do. She still goes into the corner. By that point, the little dictator has dissipated and my wonderful, beautiful, caring daughter is back, but she still has to learn her lesson, otherwise it won’t sink in for next time. It takes a while, but no one said parenting was always easy.
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