How to address when you to get family sick?

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Giggly_Giraffe

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So, we have two baby girls (2 years & 11 months) and this year they have gotten sick A LOT!!! We had to send our regrets on going to Christmas dinner because of stomach illness. Still to this day, we hear how let down people were and how much work was put into Christmas.

So, Mother’s Day rolls around, and guess what? We have our fifth stomach flu of the year. Again, it’s a celebration family went overboard on preparing. We call the hosts and let them know the girls had stomach flu, but were functioning great. In order to avoid the “guilt” of skipping this (like Christmas) we goto this family celebration. Every one knows of the girls health.

Well, their cousin gets sick and now he’s going to miss his Boyscouts “Court of honors”. We’ve got calls from his dad, his mom, nana, & grandpa letting us know of how poor cousin is missing this. How guilty should we feel? Is there anything we should be doing to make up for getting him sick?

Additionally, every time we got sick this year, nana invites herself over and gets sick … Then we hear about it endlessly … It’s a no win situation … I’m tired of being sick and more tired of making amends for something we can’t control (being sick)

So, how is a way to deal with addressing people who get sick because of you/your family? (I have a feeling this will be a skill I need to master quickly)
 
Honestly, you do need to apologize profusely. Your kids got another kid sick when you knew they were likely contagious and got them around other children anyway.

I have an asthmatic husband and two children with bad allergies; my younger son gets an ear infection if he gets a cold and then does not sleep for a week. We have a very strict no-being-around-sick-kids policy. This has caused some friction with my BIL and SIL, who see no problem in sending their child to daycare when he’s seriously ill. But I do not budge. No hacking, no mucus, no fever, no barfing. I think it’s wildly inconsiderate not to isolate sick children.

That said: I practice what I preach. I do not take kids with colds to indoor playgrounds. I don’t let them play with other kids when they are ill. I am probably over-cautious, but - one of my dear friends has five kids. I can’t make her kids sick. It’s just mean.

If your relatives come over to your house when they know your kids are sick, that’s their fault. But if you take them out in public and they infect others, it’s yours. You may just need to stand up to everyone and say that you will be keeping your sick kids home, thanks.

It’s also not fair to drag sick children out to satisfy adults. We went through this with my parents too …

I know this may sound harsh and unfair. But I am a firm believer in prevention!
 
What a pain. I’m afraid Nana needs to be told not to come, for her own good. You have been acting in good faith, but bear in mind that if you yield to grandma pressure and come to family events, it just means that the dilemma moves from you to the other families who then need to decide to come or not come (and they’re probably facing exactly the same sort of guilt-tripping you are). Let the buck stop with you–keep those sick or possibly sick kids home. There will probably be other Mother’s Days and other Christmases, God willing. Ask your doctor’s opinion (making it clear what kind of answer you desire) and then say, “My doctor said blah blah blah.” You can repeat that as needed.

Something that might be helpful to you is to adopt school-like guidelines and stick to it. My kids’ school requires kids to stay home if they have vomited or had a 100 degree or greater fever within the past 24 hours. You can still get people sick if you follow those guidelines (my kids often seem to be well and then relapse), but at least you can point out that you were following the rules and have a totally clean conscience.

When older relatives get fragile enough, it can be quite a dilemma, especially if it’s relatives the kids rarely get to see.
 
Well, now you have the evidence for why you don’t go to family events with a sick kid, no matter how much work anyone else put in…you were guilt-tripped at Christmas, you overruled your better judgment this time, and now you know you were right the first time, no matter how many people try to guilt you otherwise.

You: Sorry for the last minute notice, but we can’t come. Sophia is sick again.
Them: Oh, c’mon. We’ve all worked so hard.
You: I’m sorry, but the last time I overruled my better judgment, David caught what the girls had and had to miss one of the biggest Boy Scout events of the year. Mom and Dad are not as young as they used to be, either. We just can’t take the risk, sorry.

Having said that, people get sick at big family events, it is a fact of life. The best thing to do is to have people wash hands with soap and disposable towels as soon as they get in the door, before they eat, and then again right before they leave. Daycares that do this cut the incidence of illness by about half…but only by about half. You’re still going to trade illnesses when big groups meet, that is all there is to it. As for the cousin, he could have picked up a bug at school, too. Unless you went to this event in violation of family expectations (which doesn’t sound like the case, except in retrospect), don’t be too hard on yourself. Just don’t do it again.

Apologize profusely to the Scout, though. It’s nice to know your relatives care.
 
Don’t feel bad for cancelling, and don’t let them badger you into an “excuse” they can try and argue with. “Well, how sick is she?” “Oh, just a fever and tired…” “Well, she can just sleep upstairs in the playpen!” etc.

I’d leave it at “She’s sick, we will have to schedule a day to have you guys over when everyone is feeling better! I’m sorry we have to cancel last minute!”

As for grandma, tell her no. Don’t open the door to her. leave the window/blinds closed. Pretend you are not home… she’ll get it. It’s unfortunate she cannot respect your wishes, but you’ll need to enforce the boundaries in that case.
 
Good advice thanks … But what about stuff like, “head lice” or other sicknesses that pop up and you / family shares without intent too.
 
By the way, I think one of the problems with this situation is their over-preparing for events that there is a high chance of you guys being unable to attend. Under the circumstances, it’s best to assume a 50% cancellation rate. This week, I was really looking forward to a big zoo outing with four other mothers and their kids. Well, surprise, surprise, one of the other moms had to cancel due to a iffy situation with her baby and then this morning, my oldest daughter woke up with a temperature and a migraine and then spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa. I didn’t get to go to the zoo, so there was at least a 40% cancellation rate for that one outing, and that’s really par for the course for socializing with kids.

Don’t let anybody make you feel bad about doing the responsible thing. Also, wouldn’t Christmas be a big deal even without you?

Also, if it’s close, feel free to send one well parent and one well child.
 
“But what about stuff like, “head lice” or other sicknesses that pop up and you / family shares without intent too.”

That is out of your control. You still apologize, but it’s not your fault.
 
pentecostbaby said:
Honestly, you do need to apologize profusely. Your kids got another kid sick when you knew they were likely contagious and got them around other children anyway.

I have an asthmatic husband and two children with bad allergies; my younger son gets an ear infection if he gets a cold and then does not sleep for a week. We have a very strict no-being-around-sick-kids policy. This has caused some friction with my BIL and SIL, who see no problem in sending their child to daycare when he’s seriously ill. But I do not budge. No hacking, no mucus, no fever, no barfing. I think it’s wildly inconsiderate not to isolate sick children.

That said: I practice what I preach. I do not take kids with colds to indoor playgrounds. I don’t let them play with other kids when they are ill. I am probably over-cautious, but - one of my dear friends has five kids. I can’t make her kids sick. It’s just mean.

If your relatives come over to your house when they know your kids are sick, that’s their fault. But if you take them out in public and they infect others, it’s yours. You may just need to stand up to everyone and say that you will be keeping your sick kids home, thanks.

It’s also not fair to drag sick children out to satisfy adults. We went through this with my parents too …

I know this may sound harsh and unfair. But I am a firm believer in prevention!
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I agree with this. I wish more people stayed home when they are sick. Our swim team had to enact a policy that you have to be symptom free for 24 hours before a swim meet for you to be able to swim. All because someone didn’t have the common sense to keep their kid home with the stomach bug and they ended up throwing up in the pool.

When you don’t have any knowledge though of a sickness or head lice, its the same as when you are perfectly healthy and you maintain your normal schedule. If someone happens to get sick after the fact, you may OR may not have been the source, who knows. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent anyone from getting sick if you had no prior knowledge.
 
This all started because you were weak. You are a parent of young children and must be strong and adult. You may need to distance yourself emotionally and physically from anyone who tries to manipulate you. Do not let anyone manipulate you with any guilt trips. Do not be afraid to rebuke anyone who tries.
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
Good advice thanks … But what about stuff like, “head lice” or other sicknesses that pop up and you / family shares without intent too.
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Sharing before you know you are sick is unavoidable. When you find out, call everyone and let them know. That way they can adjust their schedules accordingly.

I am very much like pentecostbaby. When my family is sick, we stay home. If you are sick, stay away. (I have a compromised immune system, sickness hits me hard.)
 
“When my family is sick, we stay home. If you are sick, stay away. (I have a compromised immune system, sickness hits me hard.)”

And that means church, too! There are lots of little old ladies at church.
 
I wonder if Scout’s family knew beforehand. You said they did but who told them? You or maybe nana who downplayed it? Sorry that is frustrating for you all around that your kids are sick so much and just all of it.
 
aloe said:
I wonder if Scout’s family knew beforehand. You said they did but who told them? You or maybe nana who downplayed it? Sorry that is frustrating for you all around that your kids are sick so much and just all of it.
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My husband called a day before. He said they were nearly recovered, but we might not go if they get worse. I did not hear the response, but suspect that, "need baby fix … " was part of their response (scout loves the babies) 😉
 
I have a hard time with this, too, as my Abby tends to get colds every other week during the “cold season”. I try to be prudent with where I take her and with whom she’s around, but frankly there are times where we go someplace even though she still has a runny nose because we both need to get out of the house. If we didn’t we would literally not leave our home from November through April.

In your situation I would apologize for getting the child sick from being around your girls but an apology is enough. I think it’s universally known that kids are germ carriers and that being around kids at ANY time of year means you may be subjecting your child to another child’s germs. So apologize but no need to throw yourself at their mercy as there’s no need for that.

With the Grandmother, I would let her know before a visit that her child/ren is sick and it’s your recommendation that she not come around but you won’t lock her out of the house if she does come over. That said, if she then gets sick and starts commenting upon it, you can always respond with “You knew the kids were sick but chose to come over anyway. If you don’t want to get sick, don’t come over when I say the kids are sick.”

Good luck and keep up the good Mommy work!
 
“You knew the kids were sick but chose to come over anyway. If you don’t want to get sick, don’t come over when I say the kids are sick.”

That’s clear and logical, but I expect it won’t go over well.
 
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