How to adjust to a celibate marriage

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NoDcaf

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My gorgeous lovely bride has developed vulvodynia which makes penetration extremely painful, basically impossible. I am wrestling with a torrent of emotions coming to grips with this change. I struggle with the temptation to stray from church teaching to find relief. I understand that many religious take vows of celibacy, so it can be done. However, they don’t have to live with someone that they are extremely attracted to. I am crawling out of my skin with desire for her and the closeness we once shared. We are young, we waited to get married, now this! I know, I know… offer up the suffering, count my countless other blessings… it still doesn’t make this easy. She struggles with unwarranted guilt about it, so anytime I try to talk with her about it makes her feel worse. My bride’s “parts” are hardly something that I can reach out to family and friends about. I feel so alone. Please pray for us!

(I am not finding very Catholic friendly advice online!)
 
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I will definitely pray for both of you. I can only imagine what you’re going through. My girlfriend and I are waiting for marriage and there’s nothing simple about it.
I’m sure someone with more theological and medical background will comment on this post. I would like to suggest going to a priest too for some help.
 
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Thank you. She has, but we didn’t have any luck. We are not crazy about the side effects of antidepressants. I have brought up going to Mayo Clinic, but like I said, she takes me bringing it up quite poorly. We otherwise have fairly good marital communication. This subject is just a source of so much pain and guilt. It is easier for her to block out thinking about it. (I presume)
 
For the sake of your marriage I would pursue Mayo Clinic. Not all antidepressants are bad I wouldn’t discount their use. A sexless marriage isn’t good either.
 
Agreed! However, it is her that has to go, and me bringing it up doesn’t go well and feels rather selfish to keep pushing.
 
Then Catholic marriage counseling might be necessary. I’m positive there’s a solution!
 
It might not hurt to ask her if she would like to see an individual counselor as well, especially if a Catholic one can be found. I can’t help but think this would be something stressful to discover about yourself. She may be less reluctant to see about more treatment if she has someone to talk to who isn’t involved.
 
NoDcaf said:
Agreed! However, it is her that has to go, and me bringing it up doesn’t go well and feels rather selfish to keep pushing.
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Honestly, this is a major physical and psychological issue. It’s about way more than just sex. You married her in sickness and in health. These sorts of things NEVER simply improve with time.

Perhaps you need to find a way to express it better (psychologists can help) but sometimes the most merciful thing we can do with our spouse is to be the one who forces them to seek treatment for an illness. My husband hates doctors, but if he’s sick, come hell or high water I will absolutely drag him in by his toes if I think it’s serious enough. Granted, it’s never been as complex as a sexual issue, but sometimes, loving our spouse is being the one to say “the buck stops here”.
 
It is my understanding that she feels we should just accept that she has this and move on. At least she doesn’t have something fatal like cancer or something. As per usual, sex means a bit less to women than men.(Generally speaking)

I had at one time discerned a call to the priesthood, so celibacy is something that I have at least considered before. I know that it is possible, but there doesn’t seem to be much advice/support that pertains to my situation. Everything that I find is for extramarital celibacy. Things like avoiding triggers, near occasion of sin, being alone together, or cohabitating. I think we all can see how those won’t help me.
 
NoDcaf said:
It is my understanding that she feels we should just accept that she has this and move on. At least she doesn’t have something fatal like cancer or something. As per usual, sex means a bit less to women than men.(Generally speaking)

I had at one time discerned a call to the priesthood, so celibacy is something that I have at least considered before. I know that it is possible, but there doesn’t seem to be much advice/support that pertains to my situation. Everything that I find is for extramarital celibacy. Things like avoiding triggers, near occasion of sin, being alone together, or cohabitating. I think we all can see how those won’t help me.
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Then you need to be an adult and say, “I’m sorry, wife, but as a person who cares deeply for you, it doesn’t work that way. Something is terribly wrong and you and I need to work together to see what can be done. If you lost the use of your hand I would not accept you saying ‘oh well’ and I hope you would do the same for me.”

not medical advice

Given the deep psychological issues that are often comorbid with this illness, it is often the tip of the iceberg. Not only that, but even from a cursory look at Google, it CAN progress to the point where it would affect daily life–sitting, biking or even having clothing touch the area.

In short, while sex is affected, it should be the least of your worries if your wife is brushing this off as if you are being a horn dog.

It’s like your house is burning down and your wife declares that it’s fine because she never liked the curtains.
 
Not all treatments involve anti-depressants. My wife had similar issues at menopause but muscle relaxers and some physical therapies led to improvement.
 
I had this problem and with treatment it’s gotten much better. Sex has gone from really painful to occasionally slightly uncomfortable. And there’s nothing wrong with antidepressants.
 
I had this issue too. It was diagnosed prior to my marriage. (Hubby and I had not been intimate. I was at the doctor for another issue and he screened me for it.) Hubby was incredibly supportive. I was treated successfully with topical medication and some physiotherapy. It has been a non-issue for several years.
 
NoDcaf said:
It is my understanding that she feels we should just accept that she has this and move on.
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Your “understanding”? So, there’s no communication on a topic that may change the course of the rest of your lives? 🤔
 
Well, yes and no. One thing that I have learned over the years is that a man needs to be careful definitively stating a woman’s feelings. 😃 Seriously though, it is tough for me to bring up without sounding selfish and her feeling hurt. I have no doubt that communication on this issue has been inadequate. Her only reason to persue second opinions and treatments is for MY sexual pleasure. She could always take it or leave it when it came to sex. She has tried as far as she wants to for now with poor results. It is my desires that I am focussing on controlling at the moment.
 
NoDcaf said:
Well, yes and no. One thing that I have learned over the years is that a man needs to be careful definitively stating a woman’s feelings. 😃 Seriously though, it is tough for me to bring up without sounding selfish and her feeling hurt. I have no doubt that communication on this issue has been inadequate. Her only reason to persue second opinions and treatments is for MY sexual pleasure. She could always take it or leave it when it came to sex. She has tried as far as she wants to for now with poor results. It is my desires that I am focussing on controlling at the moment.
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Then you ought to seek professional help in finding ways to communicate with her that this issue is about more than your feelings surrounding sex and her feeling hurt. This is a serious medical condition.
 
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