How to Advise Without Appearing Judgemental?

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Augustine3

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There are quite a number of friends or relatives of my wife that occasionally visit us at home once a year or so. I noticed many of them have divorced and re-married civilly. I only know of one case the lady told me the Church did not grant her an annulment so she did it civilly. I’ve been pondering whether I should say anything to them. Here are some of my thoughts:
  • Many are ignorant of our faith so they probably do not know it’s a sin whenever they have sex, hence it’s not a mortal sin since they may have no knowledge about it (my conscience does not sit well with this).
  • If I tell them it’s a sin they will get angry and will be even further away from Jesus (since when did Jesus care if someone would get offended?).
How can I discuss it with them without appearing judgemental or appearing as though saying “you better stop or you’re going to hell”?
 
Correcting someone is not a judgment on them, but their actions.
 
Augustine3 said:
There are quite a number of friends or relatives of my wife that occasionally visit us at home once a year or so. I noticed many of them have divorced and re-married civilly. I only know of one case the lady told me the Church did not grant her an annulment so she did it civilly. I’ve been pondering whether I should say anything to them. Here are some of my thoughts:
  • Many are ignorant of our faith so they probably do not know it’s a sin whenever they have sex, hence it’s not a mortal sin since they may have no knowledge about it (my conscience does not sit well with this).
  • If I tell them it’s a sin they will get angry and will be even further away from Jesus (since when did Jesus care if someone would get offended?).
How can I discuss it with them without appearing judgemental or appearing as though saying “you better stop or you’re going to hell”?
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What a great way to lose said friends and family members. How would you feel if they start judging you and pointing out your sins? 🤷
 
Strydersroom said:
What a great way to lose said friends and family members. How would you feel if they start judging you and pointing out your sins? 🤷
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Have to agree. This is a bit of a sideways move. Even if your heart’s in the right place? You can end with more harm than good. Joining religion to judging really gets iffy fast.

If God wants to remind them of these things He can trip them into a church and they’ll eventually get clued in.

Maybe you could invite them to come with you sometime. But that’s about the upper limit I’d suggest.

Peace.

-Trident
 
I don’t think there is a tactful way of pointing our that someone is committing a mortal sin!

I would advise that the only things you can do are pray and lead by example. Prayers are never wasted and you’re better off taking extra special care of your own marriage and investing in that, so that people who witness it will understand what a great thing a Catholic marriage is - without having their noses rubbed in it.

(😃 “That’s a mortal sin and you’ll go to Hell - pass the potatoes” is very similar to several conversations I had with my parents as a teenager! I occasionally asked questions just to get their reaction and I suppose push the boundaries, but they managed just to tell it like it is calmly and without drama!)
 
Augustine3 said:
There are quite a number of friends or relatives of my wife that occasionally visit us at home once a year or so. I noticed many of them have divorced and re-married civilly. I only know of one case the lady told me the Church did not grant her an annulment so she did it civilly. I’ve been pondering whether I should say anything to them. Here are some of my thoughts:
  • Many are ignorant of our faith so they probably do not know it’s a sin whenever they have sex, hence it’s not a mortal sin since they may have no knowledge about it (my conscience does not sit well with this).
  • If I tell them it’s a sin they will get angry and will be even further away from Jesus (since when did Jesus care if someone would get offended?).
How can I discuss it with them without appearing judgemental or appearing as though saying “you better stop or you’re going to hell”?
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The only way I can think of to not sound judgmental is to let the other person bring up the issue in the context of a discussion about sin. And even then it’s a very thin line to walk.

I think your heart is in the right place but going up to someone and simply telling them that they are living in sin is unlikely to benefit them, no matter how gently you phrase it.
 
Matthew 7:3

Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?
 
Strydersroom said:
What a great way to lose said friends and family members. How would you feel if they start judging you and pointing out your sins? 🤷
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The OP is wanting to help in the right way, that is the purpose of his/her post here.

When we pray much first, and are then led by the Holy Spirit to say something in Christ’s peace,…and then remain calm if they are upset…we have done God’s work.

Such seeds planted may not blossom right away, but with continued prayer the person’s conscience will be moved to make the right decision.
 
If they ask you about church teaching in this area you should explain it . Other than that pass the potatoes
 
op: May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be happy. Blessings to you and yours.
I particularly like what Rose71 posted.
 
How you approach this would depend on how solid and close your relationship is with them.

I would talk about my wedding–. Even anecdotes that are not really important, such as how long the church aisle was and so on…in other words compare and contrast without judgement.

Iow-as Dorothy stated, plant a seed.

.
 
Strydersroom said:
What a great way to lose said friends and family members. How would you feel if they start judging you and pointing out your sins? 🤷
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That would be like someone saying to me, You’re fat - you need to lose some weight! Not the least bit helpful because a) I know I’m fat and b) I’m working on it.

I think that most people know when they are in a sinful situation & just don’t want (or aren’t ready) to talk about it. I don’t know where someone else is spiritually, and I have enough to do managing my own life.
 
Bonnie said:
That would be like someone saying to me, You’re fat - you need to lose some weight! Not the least bit helpful because a) I know I’m fat and b) I’m working on it.

I think that most people know when they are in a sinful situation & just don’t want (or aren’t ready) to talk about it. I don’t know where someone else is spiritually, and I have enough to do managing my own life.
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But the person who says “you’re fat, you should lose some weight” is probably not saying it for the laugh, or to be mean. Chances are they are concerned about your health and would like to see you live longer and have a better quality of life. I’d rather temporarily offend someone I love by telling them the truth than lose them to a heart attack when they could have lived for years longer.
 
AdamPeter said:
But the person who says “you’re fat, you should lose some weight” is probably not saying it for the laugh, or to be mean. Chances are they are concerned about your health and would like to see you live longer and have a better quality of life. I’d rather temporarily offend someone I love by telling them the truth than lose them to a heart attack when they could have lived for years longer.
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Ill bet Thanksgiving Dinner at your house is very interesting…
 
AdamPeter said:
But the person who says “you’re fat, you should lose some weight” is probably not saying it for the laugh, or to be mean. Chances are they are concerned about your health and would like to see you live longer and have a better quality of life. I’d rather temporarily offend someone I love by telling them the truth than lose them to a heart attack when they could have lived for years longer.
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They think I’m so stupid I don’t know what size I wear or what I weigh? Do they have any idea of how often I’ve cried because I couldn’t lose weight? Not my idea of a friend! Same for pointing out another’s sin - people know.

I’m losing weight now, but it’s because I found a way of eating that works for me, not because people told me I’m fat. People in irregular marriages could be doing the same - they may be working on it & you wouldn’t know.
 
Bonnie said:
They think I’m so stupid I don’t know what size I wear or what I weigh? Do they have any idea of how often I’ve cried because I couldn’t lose weight? Not my idea of a friend! Same for pointing out another’s sin - people know.

I’m losing weight now, but it’s because I found a way of eating that works for me, not because people told me I’m fat. People in irregular marriages could be doing the same - they may be working on it & you wouldn’t know.
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Well, I wouldn’t use the words “you’re fat”. But definitely if I felt someone in my family was in danger of health issues because of weight, or lack of weight, or any other factor, I would say something.

Also, it’s not a lack of charity to point out another’s sin. Obviously it must be done sensitively and with love. There is an idea present these days that we can’t correct other people. We, as Catholics, are actually required to correct our relatives if they sin. (Matthew 18:15)
 
Say a Rosary every day.

Pray for the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom.
 
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