How to Advise Without Appearing Judgemental?

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Augustine3 said:
There are quite a number of friends or relatives of my wife that occasionally visit us at home once a year or so. I noticed many of them have divorced and re-married civilly. I only know of one case the lady told me the Church did not grant her an annulment so she did it civilly. I’ve been pondering whether I should say anything to them. Here are some of my thoughts:
  • Many are ignorant of our faith so they probably do not know it’s a sin whenever they have sex, hence it’s not a mortal sin since they may have no knowledge about it (my conscience does not sit well with this).
  • If I tell them it’s a sin they will get angry and will be even further away from Jesus (since when did Jesus care if someone would get offended?).
How can I discuss it with them without appearing judgemental or appearing as though saying “you better stop or you’re going to hell”?
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I am sure that culturally things are different everywhere. So approaching it may be different in your family.
From my perspective, you calling out your in-laws like that would lead to lots of resentment down the line and not get the desired result - which is a change in behaviour. If it bothers you a lot, why not get your wife to broach the topic with them in private? It may be easier coming from her.
 
If they are Catholic, they would know that they are sinning. (I mean, the teaching about divorce seems so controversial and popular that it is a surprise that they are clueless about it) If they are not, it would be weird for you to tell them that they are sinning

You can subtly advise them, depending on the situation. For example, my friend is sexually active with her boyfriend. She’s Catholic, but she doesn’t care. So I would tell her to maybe take things slow and get to know his personality, instead of having sex all the time (they were doing it before they were in a relationship). Stuff like that.

Give them advise that does not seem religious
 
Augustine3 said:
There are quite a number of friends or relatives of my wife
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Stop right here. How would you like it if your wife treated** your **friends poorly while in her home? Discuss with your wife first before doing anything. And I am going to be so blunt as to say ‘Don’t say anything on this matter without your wife’s permission’
Augustine3 said:
that occasionally visit us at home once a year or so.
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Doesn’t sound like they come by often enough for you to point out their marital situation. It also sounds like they don’t come by often enough to have told you about their annulments.
Augustine3 said:
  • Many are ignorant of our faith so they probably do not know it’s a sin whenever they have sex, hence it’s not a mortal sin since they may have no knowledge about it (my conscience does not sit well with this).
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Sounds like they are not practicing so they probably don’t want to hear it
Augustine3 said:
  • If I tell them it’s a sin they will get angry and will be even further away from Jesus (since when did Jesus care if someone would get offended?).
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Big difference between you and Jesus. Jesus waited for people to seek his advice before pointing out there sins. Where in the bible did Jesus invite people to his home as a trap to point out their sins.

I was brought up that when there is a guest in the home, the guest is to be treated like gold. Now, if these people’s sin are grave enough that they don’t sit well with you, I would wonder why you are letting them in your home in the first place?
 
Augustine3 said:
There are quite a number of friends or relatives of my wife that occasionally visit us at home once a year or so. I noticed many of them have divorced and re-married civilly. I only know of one case the lady told me the Church did not grant her an annulment so she did it civilly. I’ve been pondering whether I should say anything to them. Here are some of my thoughts:
  • Many are ignorant of our faith so they probably do not know it’s a sin whenever they have sex, hence it’s not a mortal sin since they may have no knowledge about it (my conscience does not sit well with this).
  • If I tell them it’s a sin they will get angry and will be even further away from Jesus (since when did Jesus care if someone would get offended?).
How can I discuss it with them without appearing judgemental or appearing as though saying “you better stop or you’re going to hell”?
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This is difficult. No adult should be corrected on their personal life to me. Jesus talked to the woman at the well. Some people are well aware they are sinning but they do not care. If you don’t know why people divorced it is better not to say anything really
 
AdamPeter said:
But the person who says “you’re fat, you should lose some weight” is probably not saying it for the laugh, or to be mean. Chances are they are concerned about your health and would like to see you live longer and have a better quality of life. I’d rather temporarily offend someone I love by telling them the truth than lose them to a heart attack when they could have lived for years longer.
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Rude. That is mean. People do mock fat people. What if they are not fat? Some people think Kim kardashian is big. Who are you to comment on someone’s weight? Unless they are in denial then tell them. How do you know they aren’t already working on it?
 
Anglewannabe said:
Stop right here. How would you like it if your wife treated** your **friends poorly while in her home? Discuss with your wife first before doing anything. And I am going to be so blunt as to say ‘Don’t say anything on this matter without your wife’s permission’

Doesn’t sound like they come by often enough for you to point out their marital situation. It also sounds like they don’t come by often enough to have told you about their annulments.

Sounds like they are not practicing so they probably don’t want to hear it

Big difference between you and Jesus. Jesus waited for people to seek his advice before pointing out there sins. Where in the bible did Jesus invite people to his home as a trap to point out their sins.

I was brought up that when there is a guest in the home, the guest is to be treated like gold. Now, if these people’s sin are grave enough that they don’t sit well with you, I would wonder why you are letting them in your home in the first place?
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Perfect. I think some people love to sit on their high horse and correct others. I am not referring to Op. I asked a priest once what I should do about friend who was cheating on her boyfriend. He said pray for her. I did not cut off the friendship
 
PelagiathePenit said:
Rude. That is mean. People do mock fat people. What if they are not fat? Some people think Kim kardashian is big. Who are you to comment on someone’s weight? Unless they are in denial then tell them. How do you know they aren’t already working on it?
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So…what are you saying? Just because someone is overweight that a friend or family member can’t talk to them about their weight if they have a genuine concern about their health.
There’s a big difference between saying “you’re a fatty…hahahaha!” and saying “I think you might be overweight and it worries me because I’m afraid it will affect your health.”
 
AdamPeter said:
So…what are you saying? Just because someone is overweight that a friend or family member can’t talk to them about their weight if they have a genuine concern about their health.
There’s a big difference between saying “you’re a fatty…hahahaha!” and saying “I think you might be overweight and it worries me because I’m afraid it will affect your health.”
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YES, that’s exactly what they’re saying. There is no fat person in the world who is not well aware of that fact. And unless you are their doctor, you are not in any way an authority on their health.
And if it’s only a “might be overweight”, why are you paying such close attention to the person’s size that you notice the increase? Who wants to hear that? How would it help? The person getting dressed every morning knows how their clothes fit.
The best intentions in the world will only make the person feel worse about themselves, like everyone notices and is thinking of their size.

To the OP, yes, this is very much the same. You need not and should not point out people’s obvious sins to them. Pray for them.
 
AdamPeter said:
So…what are you saying? Just because someone is overweight that a friend or family member can’t talk to them about their weight if they have a genuine concern about their health.
There’s a big difference between saying “you’re a fatty…hahahaha!” and saying “I think you might be overweight and it worries me because I’m afraid it will affect your health.”
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Because overweight people KNOW they are overweight. They don’t need you to tell them. They have mirrors. They buy large size clothing. Believe me, they know. 😦
 
AdamPeter said:
So…what are you saying? Just because someone is overweight that a friend or family member can’t talk to them about their weight if they have a genuine concern about their health.
There’s a big difference between saying “you’re a fatty…hahahaha!” and saying “I think you might be overweight and it worries me because I’m afraid it will affect your health.”
Click to expand...
I highly doubt most people care about someone’s weight out of genuine concern, especially if they are women. Like I stated unless this person is in denial of their weight or does not care to lose it, It is None of your business. I have a friend who lost over 70 lbs. She already knew what to do. Don’t keep up with people’s diet that is rude.
 
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