How to afford Catholic High School with 5 kids?

[JanetF]

Curious, what’s the plan for after high school? Because, trust me I have a freshman in college, that’s much more expensive than catholic HS.

I’m not convinced that a person’s faith life is so dependent on where they go to high school, if the other forces in their lives counteract any non-catholic forces they may encounter in public schools. i.e., youth group and parents.

In my daughter’s senior year book, several of her teachers thanked her for bringing a catholic point of view to various class discussions. In many ways she was challenged by the diversity in the public school (which is, frankly, much more life-like) and her faith grew. She has been complimented by parents of catholic school kids as having more faith in her little pinky than some of the catholic school kids they know.

I don’t think it is necessarily a fait accompli that public schools will destroy or not nurture a persons’ faith. I can tell you that my daughter asked me a lot of questions when subjects came up in school and we had a lot of discussions, but I think that those challenges were overall a positive experience for her. I remember she asked me during her junior year if she would be sinning if she read the “God Delusion”. My response was no, but I’m also going to read it with you and we will talk as we go through it. You should have seen all the sticky notes she had in the margins of the book when she was finished. She gave a great presentation on it.

Facing challenges to their faith doesn’t necessarily mean our kids will lose their faith, just sayin…

On another note, your wife may being redirecting her feelings towards you because she doesn’t want to admit that she holds a major role in being able to afford HS tuition. She may not want her life to change, but it may have to…patience is called for, as hard as it may be. Sorry she is involving the other kiddos by making inappropriate remarks—that’s not fair to you, and I’d be calling her out about that.

Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks. That is more or less how I presented it…but she has already made the comment to one of our kids (when she didn’t buy them something ) that DAD is forcing me to pay for ALL of daughter’s high school…and she can’t afford anything anymore. At least that’s what they came away thinking. I should have let it go, but it made me very mad.

I think we both agree that if at all possible, Catholic high school is the best choice (for this particular daughter). I would rather suck it up and cut Christmas and Birthday spending (trust me, our kids get plenty already). She want’s nothing to do with that approach…is asking for more work hours, and now mad at me…because my life won’t change one bit. Her’s will…

It will…it will be more picking up and dropping off kids (which I already do)…she just doesn’t think I do my share

It sounds like the school stuff is the least of your troubles.

It really isn’t very grownup of your wife to be making you be the bad cop here. It’s also not very smart, because it’s virtually suicidal to give teens the idea that they can play one parent off the other. (I know that and I’ve only got one teen.)

Bad bad bad bad!

You need more unity, or you’re going to be eaten alive by your teens.

How about doing Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University together? And if that doesn’t do the job, how about marriage counseling?

Interestingly, it looks like Dave Ramsey’s organization is now running a live event devoted to “Money and Marriage.”

daveramsey.com/events/MM/

If that’s not available in your area, there are also a lot of Smart Money events in different areas:

daveramsey.com/events/SML/

I looked at your OP again, and there just aren’t a lot of people who can afford 5 kids in private school with mom only working two days a week.

Do you think your kids would resent it a lot if one kid went to Catholic high school and some of the others didn’t?

 

[CradleJourney]

I think we both agree that if at all possible, Catholic high school is the best choice (for this particular daughter). I would rather suck it up and cut Christmas and Birthday spending (trust me, our kids get plenty already). She want’s nothing to do with that approach…is asking for more work hours, and now mad at me…because my life won’t change one bit. Her’s will…

It will…it will be more picking up and dropping off kids (which I already do)…she just doesn’t think I do my share

To me, this is the situation you need to address with more priority than which high school your child attends.

If either partner’s work hours are changing and it doesn’t effect the other partner, then something is wrong. You both need to look at what she’s doing with those hours that will now be taken up by outside work. Not what you think she’s doing with them or what you think she should be doing with them, but both of you taking an honest assessment of what losing those hours will cost and how to minimize the impact.

The fact that you’re shrugging seems to indicate you’re either unsure of what she’s really doing or feel that whatever it is, is not valuable - both of which would, indeed, make me furious if I were her. (BTDT as a stay-at-home mom who had to have a long, on-going disagreement with my husband until we finally found a way to clear the air, identify what needed done, what we agreed was important, and then what hours I’d be available to work).

I appreciate you wanting to problem-solve the issue of your child’s education - but life will be much easier on everyone and hold fewer future problems if both you and your wife are able to agree and share the sacrifice of what it will take to make it happen.

 

[barhoram]

Thanks.

I am a big fan of Dave Ramsey. Wife hates him. LOL. Go figure.
We are on Baby step 5. College and (Also paying off house). No debt, no car or credit car loans. Re-financed to a 20 year loan about 6 years ago. This is with just my salary. Wife was only working 1 day a week…so it was really just “blow money” (Dave’s term) for her and kids. All of mine was spoken for with living, tuition and the rest left for College (1500 a year total). Thankfully one grandfather has been helping with a 529 for all of his grandkids.

This a also probably one of the reasons we didn’t get much in terms of Financial Aid. Seems you get penalized for having your finances in order (but not a millionaire).

I’m pretty sure Dave would not be on board with the $$ needed for 5 through Catholic

I agree–we need to get on a more unified front. As someone pointed out earlier…she is frustrated…and is not at her best when frustrated. More patience on my part needed.

 

[barhoram]

I guess my point was…I already work full time and am fortunate enough to be able to be flexible to either pick up or drop off kids at least half of the time. I’m not sure what more I can possibly do outside of get a second job on the weekend. Of course if she works more, her life will be changing more than mine…this is what she’s mad about, and hence the shrug as not sure what else I could do…

To me, this is the situation you need to address with more priority than which high school your child attends.

If either partner’s work hours are changing and it doesn’t effect the other partner, then something is wrong. You both need to look at what she’s doing with those hours that will now be taken up by outside work. Not what you think she’s doing with them or what you think she should be doing with them, but both of you taking an honest assessment of what losing those hours will cost and how to minimize the impact.

The fact that you’re shrugging seems to indicate you’re either unsure of what she’s really doing or feel that whatever it is, is not valuable - both of which would, indeed, make me furious if I were her. (BTDT as a stay-at-home mom who had to have a long, on-going disagreement with my husband until we finally found a way to clear the air, identify what needed done, what we agreed was important, and then what hours I’d be available to work).

I appreciate you wanting to problem-solve the issue of your child’s education - but life will be much easier on everyone and hold fewer future problems if both you and your wife are able to agree and share the sacrifice of what it will take to make it happen.

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks.

I am a big fan of Dave Ramsey. Wife hates him. LOL. Go figure.
We are on Baby step 5. College and (Also paying off house). No debt, no car or credit car loans. Re-financed to a 20 year loan about 6 years ago. This is with just my salary. Wife was only working 1 day a week…so it was really just “blow money” (Dave’s term) for her and kids. All of mine was spoken for with living, tuition and the rest left for College (1500 a year total). Thankfully one grandfather has been helping with a 529 for all of his grandkids.

This a also probably one of the reasons we didn’t get much in terms of Financial Aid. Seems you get penalized for having your finances in order (but not a millionaire).

I’m pretty sure Dave would not be on board with the $$ needed for 5 through Catholic

I agree–we need to get on a more unified front. As someone pointed out earlier…she is frustrated…and is not at her best when frustrated. More patience on my part needed.

I don’t think it’s really possible to do Dave Ramsey with a spouse that hates Dave Ramsey–as you are discovering .

I think I’d ask her, “What’s your plan, honey?” and just let her talk.

I’m afraid there may be leprechauns and magical genies involved, but ask her to lay it out for you.

 

[Xantippe]

I think that having your wife’s salary be essentially “fun money” has led to her having a rather infantile attitude toward your family finances.

Are you doing a monthly budget with her?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Let’s not be too hard on a wife who I’m sure has a whole side to this.

 

[Xantippe]

Let’s not be too hard on a wife who I’m sure has a whole side to this.

It doesn’t sound like there is an agreed upon monthly budget.

I suspect the OP probably does need to lighten up and loosen up–but that his wife needs to grow up. Those things could both be true.

 

[pianistclare]

Catholic school is a School who offers a Catholic Theology course as part of the curriculum, and the occasional retreat, possibly daily Mass.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s like a monastery.
It’s not.

If you raise your children well int he faith they will be fine.
As I said upthread if you can’t keep up that standard of private school for all of the kids, then don’t even start it.
It’s no guarantee, and it’s not worth the drama.

 

[Rico_S]

I guess my point was…I already work full time and am fortunate enough to be able to be flexible to either pick up or drop off kids at least half of the time. I’m not sure what more I can possibly do outside of get a second job on the weekend. ** Of course if she works more, her life will be changing more than mine…this is what she’s mad about, and hence the shrug as not sure what else I could do…**

Your whole family’s life will change if she goes to work full time (or close to it)! It’s a bit short sighted to think her life will be the only one drastically altered . My wife went back to work so we could send our 4 to Catholic School and it changed everything…we all had to pick up the slack around the house, and, in all honesty we’ve been in a state of semi-chaos since then. There are fewer family meals, more mess, more stress (and I have become the point for laundry, groceries, bills, and kids sports).

However, we wouldn’t change a thing!! The Catholic education, while certainly not perfect, has been a blessing for our kids. The sacrifice has absolutely been worth it, and I know many who have sacrificed far more than we in order to provide a catholic school education/experience for their children and they would agree. In general, it is certainly not necessary to send kids to catholic schools for your kids to be raised catholic; and it is so true that for many, it may be out of reach financially. But it is always a bit disheartening getting a bit of an anti-catholic school vibe on the forum. That’s probably a discussion for another thread, though.

As others have said, you and the wife must get on the same page. These are important decisions and moiving forward together is critical. From the brief info you have shared I’d guess there are some underlying issues that are fueling the discord around this issue. I hope you can get it straight.

Also…

This a also probably one of the reasons we didn’t get much in terms of Financial Aid. Seems you get penalized for having your finances in order (but not a millionaire).

Yes. So frustrating. I could go on and on but that too is a conversation for another thread.

 

[zea_maize]

Thanks.

I am a big fan of Dave Ramsey. Wife hates him. LOL. Go figure.
We are on Baby step 5. College and (Also paying off house). No debt, no car or credit car loans. Re-financed to a 20 year loan about 6 years ago. This is with just my salary. Wife was only working 1 day a week…so it was really just “blow money” (Dave’s term) for her and kids. All of mine was spoken for with living, tuition and the rest left for College (1500 a year total). Thankfully one grandfather has been helping with a 529 for all of his grandkids.

This a also probably one of the reasons we didn’t get much in terms of Financial Aid. Seems you get penalized for having your finances in order (but not a millionaire).

I’m pretty sure Dave would not be on board with the $$ needed for 5 through Catholic

I agree–we need to get on a more unified front. As someone pointed out earlier…she is frustrated…and is not at her best when frustrated. More patience on my part needed.

I hate to break it to you but you’re not doing Dave’s plan if you’re both not on board. I listen to him semi-regularly and there are often people that call in who are in a similar situation to you and he always says you have to get on the same page financially FIRST before any of his methods are going to work. Dave would not say you’re on plan.

You’ve set up this situation with essentially keeping your money separate by saying “my money pays the bills and your money is fun money” - you’ve created the attitude that you have money that is joint and hers and now she doesn’t want/need to make more “her” money.

I think that having your wife’s salary be essentially “fun money” has led to her having a rather infantile attitude toward your family finances.

Are you doing a monthly budget with her?

I agree - I wouldn’t say infantile necessarily but I would say you’ve created an artificial separation of the money. Instead of just everything going into one pot and being distributed to where it needs to go, you are creating two piles of money. One of the piles belongs to her and this is creating tension.

Have you tried “You Need a Budget”? There are some great ways to work Dave’s plan inside YNAB and you may be able to get her on board if you abandon all talk about Dave and start a new plan together.

Let’s not be too hard on a wife who I’m sure has a whole side to this.

I agree. I think the OP has a whole lot of responsibility as to why the attitudes about money/working exist in this family.

 

[mommy_k]

I haven’t read each of the responses but I think the op and spouse have to focus on why they want thier children to attend Catholic hs
It seems the decision process is counteracting this
.
In order for any family to make this decision, sacrifices have to be made…in a loving way that enhances, not detracts from having a happy, joyful Catholic home.

There is no point of making these sacrifices and sending children to Catholic hs if the sacrifies do not support this.

Increasing the mom’s work hours will not pay the full tuiion, it will make a small dent.is it worth the strife t and pressure that may result? It seems to be an area of contention already…wait until the tuition bill comes and that too will add to the pressure.

The best thing to do is the choice that will enable the op and wife to model what Catholicism looks like on a daily basis…family prayer, peace, kindness etc and being present for kids at this vulnerable age. There are youth groups for the children to join to keep them connected to other catholic young people, as well as service opportunities and continuing religious education…

I replied upthread that I work prt to pay part of the tuition, but I do not work when the kids are home…and this decision was not an area that caused any harm to our homelife.

So op, please keep your eye on the fundamental reasons of why you desire this. The goal is to get your family to heaven.

 

[barhoram]

OP here…so we discussed more and I really crunched the numbers. We can make it work (Cover All monthly bills, medical and All tuition) with wife working same as she is now…but that would mean funding all kids activities, clothing, presents, gifts, vacations, braces, etc (discretionary spending) with about 5K a year. So it comes down to determining what quality of life would be under those constraints. For example, we have 2K remaining in HSA from last year…daughter needs braces (3K cost), so that would be 1K of it right there.

I agree with what most have said already, the goal is for them to be brought up to be strong Catholics, and get into heaven and provide the foundation for them to instill that in their kids. Going to do my best to keep that focus in mind as we pray and try and make this decision. Thanks.

My personal idea would be to have her pick up a few weeks over the summer where things won’t be crazy and I can work from home and help with watching the kids…or even take time off via vacation to be with them full time. Keep the day and a half of her working during the school year at the most.

 

[pianistclare]

OP here…so we discussed more and I really crunched the numbers. We can make it work (Cover All monthly bills, medical and All tuition) with wife working same as she is now…but that would mean funding all kids activities, clothing, presents, gifts, vacations, braces, etc (discretionary spending) with about 5K a year. So it comes down to determining what quality of life would be under those constraints. For example, we have 2K remaining in HSA from last year…daughter needs braces (3K cost), so that would be 1K of it right there.

I agree with what most have said already, the goal is for them to be brought up to be strong Catholics, and get into heaven and provide the foundation for them to instill that in their kids. Going to do my best to keep that focus in mind as we pray and try and make this decision. Thanks.

My personal idea would be to have her pick up a few weeks over the summer where things won’t be crazy and I can work from home and help with watching the kids…or even take time off via vacation to be with them full time. Keep the day and a half of her working during the school year at the most.

How soon will the others need to enroll in Catholic school?

 

[barhoram]

next would be our son who is 2 year behind…so in 3 years he will be in HS. But the other 3 all have been going to the same Catholic grade school as my daughter.

 

[pianistclare]

next would be our son who is 2 year behind…so in 3 years.

Good. Keep that on the income horizon. She might not have to work full time now, but down the road, when 2 or 3 are there…it will definitely become necessary. Barring any medical or home emergencies, of course.
***Also, PLEASE re-evaluate yearly. Watch closely the school policies, classroom dynamics, level of professionalism among the teachers, involvement of the clergy if any, on the board, peer groups, requirements for fund raising, etc. These things ebb and flow depending on who is at the helm, and even down to who is the Superintendent for the Diocese. Re-evaluate as needed, and adjust.
Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

OP here…so we discussed more and I really crunched the numbers. We can make it work (Cover All monthly bills, medical and All tuition) with wife working same as she is now…but that would mean funding all kids activities, clothing, presents, gifts, vacations, braces, etc (discretionary spending) with about 5K a year. So it comes down to determining what quality of life would be under those constraints. For example, we have 2K remaining in HSA from last year…daughter needs braces (3K cost), so that would be 1K of it right there.

I agree with what most have said already, the goal is for them to be brought up to be strong Catholics, and get into heaven and provide the foundation for them to instill that in their kids. Going to do my best to keep that focus in mind as we pray and try and make this decision. Thanks.

My personal idea would be to have her pick up a few weeks over the summer where things won’t be crazy and I can work from home and help with watching the kids…or even take time off via vacation to be with them full time. Keep the day and a half of her working during the school year at the most.

I suspect that you can cover everything you mentioned with $5k–except the braces.

It sounds like you are starting to get pretty close to a solution.

Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

Good. Keep that on the income horizon. She might not have to work full time now, but down the road, when 2 or 3 are there…it will definitely become necessary. Barring any medical or home emergencies, of course.
***Also, PLEASE re-evaluate yearly. Watch closely the school policies, classroom dynamics, level of professionalism among the teachers, involvement of the clergy if any, on the board, peer groups, requirements for fund raising, etc. These things ebb and flow depending on who is at the helm, and even down to who is the Superintendent for the Diocese. Re-evaluate as needed, and adjust.
Good luck!

Yes!

And watch for tuition creep.

 

[LittleFlower378]

My question is what are people thoughts on sending children to Catholic school but have a good amount of credit card debt?